I was considering heaven. We will be past Rev 20:12 when all of created humanity will be judged before the great white throne of God. the books of our deeds will be opened and reviewed but THE BOOK that matters is the Book of Life. If a person's name is in the Book of Life, they will not be thrown into the lake of fire, the second death (eternal separation from God.)
when the books are reviewed, it is going to stink. Everyone will have to sit through their own public showing of their entire private life. OUCH! The merciful point is that this happens to EVERYONE so after many reviews, there will not be many surprises (i'm guessing at that, of course)
I am imagining AFTER that, when those who are gathered to the Lord forever exist together in oneness with God and each other. I can't imagine that we would not rank ourselves somehow. yet, i feel certain that we will not. we will be fully known. we will be fully loved. we will accept each other because there is no sin.
but if I regret not doing MORE now, or if I see that I was able, by God's grace alone, to do more than another---how will this escape my notice later? Mostly I don't want to be there before God and see all that selfishness and wasted life when He was giving me so many gifts that I spent on myself, my comfort, my pleasure, my entertainment and fun. (I love fun.)
and i went down this road of thought because I am feeling so low and inadaquate after trying to teach while scatterbrained. since I am frequently scatterbrained on my good and gifted days, it makes me all the more discouraged to be scatterbrained AND disturbed. I am grieving for Cindy and her family.
it is not so much my thoughts that bother me, it seems to be my emotions. I may be processing and overtaxing my circuitry. I like to claim I have as many as 9 tracks going on in my head at once. I'm frequently accused of thinking too much. My husband tells me, "Don't think about it, JUST DO IT!" and I am left wondering what that means. How does any person avoid thinking? what does it take to shut off the brain?
the only way I usually shut down is when I am very tired, very sick, or very angry. None of constitute a good state of mind. any other time I am likely thinking of several things at once. and I'm not orderly about it. this can get unnerving when trying to explain something to someone else---and their going to need it in order.
teaching the children today did not go well. I so enjoy them. I wish I could just have fun with them and do whatever I want to do! I wish we could spend more time on the Bible and less time doing homework. and i personally don't care for the playground time--but they really like it, so it must have some value. :-)
enough rambling.
time to go to bed.
I wish I could talk to Cindy. Because she is constantly on my mind, I think of things I want to tell her, but then I remember that I can't do that.
oh how terrible it will be for Steve or me when our other dies. it is natural and normal. and I suppose it would be a tragedy indeed if we were to die at once because it would be such a burden to the children.
is anyone reading? I bless you. I pray God reveal Himself to you. I thank my mom for bringing up something that caused me to revisit this blog. (hence the photo of my mom)
this is a good time.
blog crazy.
but sane in the world.
yeah,
works for me.
thank you Jesus
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
My friend Cindy passed away on the 14th. I'm posting on a Sunday and last week I was sitting in the Madison, WI airport waiting for her youngest son to arrive so i could rent a car and drive us up to marshfield.
Her oldest son is in the other picture, along with my son Kevin in the middle with his former girlfriend. Kevin was in Chicago to help me move back home. we made sure to get together with Doug. It is always good to see him.
I'm sad. I'm not sad about death. Death doesn't bother me. I even look forward to my own death--and Cindy looked forward to hers. but she wasn't planning on going any time soon. it was abrupt and accidental and cruel.
and I know she relied on the sacrifice of Jesus and He said everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved, and she trusted in Him for her atonement, not in her own works.
but the suddenness and the cruel parts are just hard to swallow. the injustice of it. I am thankful that Jesus will overcome evil with good! He will overcome evil FOR GOOD!
and the song played at the funeral was one of our favorites. we went to the newsboys concert that year. we had the CD (or rather, the cassette, but i bought the CD later). they chose, "Shine"
and I also choose, "Elle G."
the first part doesn't make any sense, and no, Cindy did not kill herself as the girl in the song, but there are questions, there are regrets. How I wish I could talk to her!
thumbs out on a desert road, I am told, leads to nowhere. any shade is as good as the next, if your shadow doesn't go there.
week seven: Did you really assumeI'd find some solace from the letter in your room?next life, could you kindly refrain from throwing yourself at the mercy of a train?
silence all, nobody breathe how in the world could you just leave?you promised you would silence that evil with good
hear me out, I have the floor I'll give you my tears, I'll listen more you promised you would overcome evil with good
maybe this world is a barren place for a soul prone to get lost, but heaven still hounds from the smallest sounds to the cries of the storm-tossed.
week nine: I am writing in the sand any little clue that could help me understand
every whispered secret, every muffled sigh every half-truth that was added to a lie
silence all, nobody move I've got to know now what you hoped to prove you promised you would silence that evil with good
shame feeds guilt, guilt needs release you took it to God you made your peace and swore that you would overcome evil with good
every old demon playing back the crime if they needed blood, I'd have gladly given mine
a Child of the Kingdom; still an invalid
forgive her, please Fathershe don't know what she did
silence all, now go to sleep
the water's free, the well is deep
how can we return
that which we never could earn?
God, I long to see her face
we haven't a hopebeyond Your grace
I know that You will
overcome evil
for good
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