Spiritual Disciplines

I'd like to write a book on Spiritual Disciplines, but I wonder if I truly am following the Holy Spirit.....or do I want to do something great? I am tired of the sin of Pride. Just today the Lord unvieled a whole new level. Honestly, I don't want to think about it. So that's why I decided I would make myself write about it.
First, I am always embarrassed to confess pride because I am sure that I am not measuring up to other people's standards of perfection in anything and so I feel I open myself up to criticism---and pride doesn't like that. Second, I want people to see my strengths, not my weaknesses. But really, God sees everything as it is and LOVES. So there is no fear in confession. People may reject or judge, but that is between them and God. I want to walk before God in truth.
So I would really love to write a book on the disciplines because God really has taken me from one spiritual place to another and He has done it by means of continual Grace. I believe He makes me sensitive to His voice by bringing me continually to Him. I believe many people long to grow in the Lord. It seems to me that people want to become suddenly "spiritual" and wise....as I did. But this book would have to be for the UNdisciplined.
As an undisciplined person, every habit I have has come by excrutiating effort! For some reason, I am naturally a retarded free spirit who is slothful and comfort oriented. The weirdest thing about me (well, hmmnnn....probably not the most weird, there is so much!) might be how I cannot do repetitive tasks in the same repeat manner. Praise God I do not work on an assembly line.
This peculiarity manifests itself in many ways. When cutting potatoes, I cannot cut them each the same way. I cut one or two in a certain way and then I change the process. When something is uncertain in writing or designing something, I will do it first one way and then the other---definitely ruins uniformity. I have always liked to drive different paths to the same destination. One day going the fastest, the next day going another route if possible.
I think that is what makes me a good choice to write a book about disciplines. It has taken such brokeness and well, I hesitate to say humility, but a distinct effort to look this in the face and declare it sin. That makes people SO UNCOMFORTABLE these days. People don't want to acknowlege their sin! But I see it this way....if it is a sin, I CAN REPENT! THERE IS DELIVERANCE FROM SIN! And I praise God for forgiveness.
The Word from God tells us that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. We know that we can approach the Throne of Grace boldly to receive mercy in our time of need. We don't have to stay in our sin. But we have to come humbly.
and maybe we don't have humility and that is why we can ask for it. We can ask God for anything. He truly does want to show us how much He cares for us. If we are in the growing process, He is SO GENEROUS with all that He gives! And He is faithful to answer prayers specifically and openly so that His children can see He is active and immediate in our lives. This often gives us strength to endure the parts of our lives that we find distasteful but must endure. He helps us to see He has not forgotten us during what we may see as a trial. Instead, He leads us through by His Grace openly.
Yet for a Christian who has been walking with Him for some time, He takes us higher by NOT answering prayer. Oh, do we trust Him then? He shows us how shallow we are because in the early days, we do NOT trust Him when we don't get what we want. We pout and get angry (hey, maybe I am speaking for myself.) and I think I still struggle here at times. Even all these 24 years later, which is nothing. I'm still a child in Him.
and WHY am I still a child in Him 24 years later? Because I loved Him so deeply at first but PRIDE was destroying me. I felt that I was more dedicated to Him than others. Pride comes before a fall and I had a terrible time that I call my Christian teen years. I doubted everything and did not get any joy from the Lord. I didn't want to belong to this Christian club anymore and wondered if I could fit in with the rest of the world.
THANKFULLY, I never could fit in with the world. Why? Because I never fit in anyway! Ha ha! But I interpreted it as the profound change in me due to Christ would no longer enable me to look at things the way the rest of the world looked at them. I STILL saw things through God's view. Except that now I had no consolation in terms of my good behavior. I wasn't reading my Bible, praying and wasn't really ever worshipping as I switched to listening to secular music. I yearned to know more of the world.
Again, I think I could write about the disciplines because God was so gracious in taking me through the book, "Celebration of the Disciplines" during this time. Somehow, He allowed me to crawl back little by little, but the amazing thing was every turn towards Him was met with such disgusting forgiveness and sappy love and acceptance. It seemed so wrong. But He really wanted me to understand, He saw my life from beginning to end--NOT the way I saw it as a big failure after some good growth. No, He saw how I would be restored completely and He made sure I knew that. Personally, it seemed like something ridiculous to imagine that I might actually believe in His Word again or really believe He existed, so it was sort of like mental gymnastics to flip flop between this part of me that was hearing and seeing God and this part of me that wanted to run away from God. But where do you run from God? He is everywhere and He is within. He won me over.
Everything was different coming through that and it still took several years to process. It wasn't until 2008 that God showed me the depths of pride in my soul. I'm glad He saved it for me until I could stand it. By then I was making sure my life was founded in discipline. I realized the value of coming before the Lord in mulitple ways across my whole life. As an undisciplined person, I struggled to orient myself to God in everything, but this was the beauty of Life. I don't think that sentence captures my meaning at all, since I can't really see a time since Salvation where I didn't know that everything related to God. But I guess I mean growing more and more to think like Him.
I am soooo weak and yet so loved by God. In my romantic moments, I am truly a martyr, a nun, whatever full devotion looks like--that's me. But living out day to day? Whiny, lazy, irritable and selfish. OUCH! Big difference. Practicing the disciplines of spiritual life have enabled me to be far more relational in my family and far more productive in my mundane obligations. This borders on miraculous when viewed from my own internal perspective.
That's the hope I wish I could bring to weak people like me. The transformation is so appreciated! So needed! God really FORMS His children! He is FAITHFUL. His Word is true and can be trusted. He is always right. He knows what is best. He is always ultimately good. He answers your doubts and questions. He puts you through fire and walks through it with you.
So how can an undisciplined person write about the spirtual disciplines? I don't know. By miracles, I suppose. I want something to pass on for all God has given me but it is only for those who don't care about external fruit but want to press on in loving God and making much of Him in spite of their own weak character. There is an audience out there, I know it. There are souls like me who adore Him but have much to be criticized for.....and I know that writing it out will bring so much more criticism!
Bring it on. Kill my pride. I want to live for the NEXT life and I want to bring as many people with me as possible. Perhaps some sweet soul who thought they loved God was really serving a god they created and by practicing disciplines, God reveals Himself to them and brings them forever into His eternal Kingdom! It could happen. We come to Him in so many ways.
I long to be a good evangelist but I seem to fail there despite prayer and effort. Yet God does use me to evangelize the heart of the believer. Whatever work He has for me, I want to be content in it. Yet I always want more of Him.
I meant to post about suffering, but that lack of discipline. ugh! I began reading St. John of the Cross: The Dark Night of the Soul and God showed me my immaturity in moment and it just stunned me. I'm such a baby Christian! And my reasons for wanting to be wise are just PRIDE!!! yikes! And that was why I wanted to be a missionary (He told me in 2008) and it just is always so ugly. But we must be killing pride. John Owen, a beloved Puritan, said, "Be killing sin or it will be killing you." and the disciplines really help with killing sin.

We go to God humbly and confess. We remember we died with Him on that cross and we invite His Life to come live through us. He forgives our sins because He paid for all of them. We thank Him for that blood that covers and cleanses. Through His Spirit, we follow a new way. The Holy Spirit leads us to that repentance that means we turn from that old way. We repent of our own efforts to do good or to change. This is DEATH and leads to pride again.
Acknowlege you have no good in you and invite the Holy Spirit, who lives in you if You have received Christ as Lord, to serve through you by His Power. He is all glorious! It is HIS work that is of value! You had no good in you ever, so repent of works and of efforts and yield and follow.
In Jesus' name, amen.