puffy face

Okay, this picture tells me my face is so puffy! Did I write yesterday that I learned that Ibuprofen makes you retain water? AHG! I take it so much it is crazy. I haven't taken any yesterday or today.

I looked at the nutrisystem diet, which is 289 dollars and they give you all the food you eat for 28 days. The thing that interests me is that they deal with the glycemic index of the foods. I am sort of pre-diabetic and I know I mess myself up with my food choices. When I live on my own, I will be able to control access somewhat, but it always comes down to personal choices.

Today when I flipped the calendar over to June, it was nearly blank! I haven't seen that in decades! I was amazed. How nice if it REALLY meant I didn't have anything I had to do! But I have millions of things, yet I can likely get them all done without extra obligations! How nice!

I'm going to email my friends and tell them, I'm ready to do something! Anything, whenever you want.....except maybe it would be better if it didn't involve food.

I have met with friends for lunch for ages because it is usually a good time for me that I have available. Now I can be more versatile, briefly. What a change! And I usually need a couple weeks in advance because my calendar is so full. Some friends hate that because they want to be spontaneous. I am not usually able to be spontaneous like that, except with Mr and the kids. But MR (SR) is less spontaneous than I am, and I have to drag him anywhere, so we usually stick to some plans. Of course, we always go out on Saturday nights together and switch to thurs or fri if saturday is something else (like vball, which is over, hurray!)

anyway, I looked at these menu options and I would do better to make little meals myself. so I will try that for a couple of days. See if I can even do it. If I can go for 30 days, maybe I could lose at least 5 pounds! That would help!

I really want to have a habit of waking in the morning and starting some calesthenics. Remember the guy who exercised on TV, Jack ....Lane? Elaine? Allaine?.....he just did regular stuff like military people.
I think that pushups and situps are great exercises (although I cannot do a situp). and leg lifts and weights are great. You don't need fancy equipment. It is like doing pilates or yoga or something if you add some stretches.

So I've got a routine worked out, but I've only done it once when I was in Brazil. So I meant to start today (and yesterday) but GOSH how I avoid exercising.
Today there is a workout class. A bench class. I usually like those. So I hope to go at 6. But I do not really want to go. I think it is weird that I kind of just want to stay home. HOW BORING!!
Yes, my worst nightmares. I am boring.

L wants to lose weight too. She's not overweight or anything, but she tends to get heavy easily and wants to stay at the small size she is now. So we'll try eating less, but S is too skinny from her ADD meds. She is off them now because she doesn't go to school or anything (she's grounded from staying out all night while we were in Brazil), so she can try to eat more. But I think without working out, she tends to be smaller, which is so crazy. We would have expected that she would fill out because we are a chubby family, but no, she LOST weight when she quit doing daily vball workouts! And got skinny! Then the meds didn't help. She doesn't want to eat, it grosses her out.

K is losing and doing good. The last few days he's eaten a lot, but he's been moving furniture and stuff. Surely he's worked up an apetite. I hope he'll be running again in the PM so that I can go too. I hate it, but it is good for me. His weight loss motivates me a bit. He's really lost a lot.

I'm thinking if I can cut out the salt and lose some weight, then maybe my BP won't be so bad and I won't have to take the beta blockers, which slow my metabolism.

and my friend and Dad recommend wieght watchers, but I just can't seem to motivate myself to go that route. I don't know why it is so distasteful to me.

and I never ever like to diet, so this will be rough. I wish I had some spiritual mission in mind, but I don't. I can do more things when I do them for God, but when I read about people on diets and eating for Jesus, well......you gotta laugh at that!

okay, no more procrastination. I'm going to exercise. really

The Blue Skies of Brazil!

Oh Brazil was great! I suppose I've enjoyed everyplace I've ever gone, though, so how to measure it? Well, the weather was fantastic. It was cool, but in no way cold. Wearing a jacket meant that you were perfectly comfortable. One day I went grocery shopping with Gabriela and Claudia and we took our coats off because it was so warm and opened the car windows.

The greenery was fabulous, I so love plants and trees. Thinking about how barren it is in the Northern U.S. winters makes me shudder.

The people were so friendly and that was everywhere, not just those who knew us and it wasn't just service people. The books said the people of Brazil were friendly and I agree. Everyone was patient when you don't speak the language and help you out as best they can. Most things end up right. You have to take some chances when you order food, though. And since you can't drink the water, you end up drinking so much less water than normal that you feel parched. Plus, I was taking ibuprofen round the clock for a headache that really went loud on Tuesday and I was bedridden (only one day, so what! I consider it a rest day). The yellow fever immunization side effect is flu feelings 7 to 10 days later. You can never tell with me, though, as I get mysteriously ill feeling periodically. Kind of generic yuk and fatigued. I think it is just being so high strung that occasionally my body says NO! LAY DOWN!
But then it might be that I am just lazy and can't do all the work I really need and want to do (or don't want to do ---if it means housework).

And the food there was great. Lots of Steak and Pizza, as I mentioned in my kodak gallery. And we got gifts! That's always fun. I got gifts in China and India, too. We are not too gift giving here in America, but we'll give some gifts when they come up here to work.
Which reminds me that Eliza, Elisa? someone is here now. I need to take her out or something. One of the workers said she was in U.S. for four weeks and was only taken out two times. Then when she left, they gave her a little going away party at work and gave her a gift book of sites to see in Texas (OUCH! how embarrassing!). Well, I told her if she gets to come back before I head north, then I will be sure and take her around a few places!!!

The architecture was neat! So many different styles. So many colors. And pets everywhere. In the nicer district there are fancy puppies on leashes, in the lesser areas there are dogs, cats, and horses loose.

We didn't see much of the poor at all. There were cart pullers who pick up trash and that is about it. There were a few beggars, but NOTHING like in Austin. I just saw a couple, one a child.
There was every convenience available, we did not go without. Our hotel was luxurious and we were pampered.

I think it would be better to rent a car and drive, though, because I had no idea where we were geographically at any time. I prefer to map out the roads and find things and know where I am. It leads me to a more defined feeling of knowing about a place. So that is on the books for next time. AND I will faithfully take my camera everywhere I go and carry it in a big purse. I didn't take my good camera because the guide book said it would be stolen---but I'll take the risk next time and bring my computer and cord so that I download each day. One of my worst travel moments was getting my camera case stolen in London with three or four rolls of film and all the pictures from Ireland. I didn't care about the camera---that is replaceable, but I lost those photos forever.

Back to the grindstone and to my children. Responsibility....does it ever end? Do I want it to? I am so lazy, I do not even want to exercise to save my own life. But I felt physically miserable on the trip and could not figure out how to feel better. Still, it was great fun and I love new places. More soon.....

I'm leaving on a jet plane. I do know when I will be back---next Sunday. I already told a friend I'd see her at church--guess I'll send a quick email.

I am so not looking forward to the 12 hour flight. I've got loads of dramamine and I'll be fine. I have to fly into Dallas today, which I hate. The flight there is all up then down, no break, no cruising. I suppose the flight from Sao Paulo to Porto Allegro will be the same, UHG!

On a cheerier note, Mr's former boss told him he might be giving him the China project back. Oh man, how exciting! but I will be up North and likely NOT able to travel ----oh oh oh whine whine whine.

I have until June 10 to finish a paper (re-write) then I am really really done with undergrad. I have until Sept 19 to read the McAdams Personality Text, then I really really start my PhD program. Until then, I am not really thinking of it. If I let myself think of it, I will begin planning and the pressure will begin. I usually like to be ahead and on top of things......probably it is better to wait to do that. I was so upset when my adviser said something like enjoy my summer before I become an academic or something. I was miffed. Hmph! I WANT to work on this stuff. I LOVE it! I would PAY for the priviledge (oh I'll be paying alright).

Yet, now I see the wisdom. I'll be able to look back on this hectic time period as a break. And I'll miss it and long for it. Maybe roll on the floor, whine, and cry......think I'm going to fail.....do something stellar instead (I can insert optimism in my forebodings of doom).

Praying for Cindy's neck. She's been suffering for three weeks and is getting that crazy animal feeling when pain just won't stop. Very hard on the psyche. I am praying healing and comfort and peace, in the name of Jesus (I'm praying more diligently than THAT however).......and she's got a job offer in the city we met. Go Cindy! Money is really nice. People who say really negative things about money either don't have any or have quite a lot. I've done both and I like having it much more. Rather necessary in this society!

I was able to buy some makeup before going. We bought a new carry-on. K's BestBuy discount is Awesome! L is working at Circuit City and sold a plasma TV last night. Biggest sale of the day---she's so good at that. She says she knows how to conform her speech to the type of people that she talks to.....She has a friend starting at Best Buy and she says she doesn't think she can adjust to different people and if you go at them all with just your own style, you cannot sell much (she didn't actually SAY that, she inferred it in the long conversation that I'm not about to write forever).

OK, I think I'm trying to pretend I won't have to be in the air today. Small price to pay to see the world. Glad we have good drugs in the world or I would never go up. As it is, I take my meds, breathe deeply, grip the handrests, press my feet into the foot thing in front of me, READ PURPOSEFULLY, and ignore the horrible physical sensations that tell me something horrible is happening and it must stop now. I try to imagine God rocking me in his hand (If the darn pilot cannot keep the wings steady)---crazy visual but it helps keep my mind busy with the sensations. I don't suppose I'd ever make a good pilot. And I cannot imagine flying by my instruments and ignoring my perceptions! I'm glad someone can do it.

And if I should die in a plane crash ever (hardly likely!) then remember this......Oh yeah, I was terrified when it was dropping or whatever (amongst my worst nightmares---anything falling). I would be calling out to Jesus (just like Dad said religious people do) and I might think how odd after what happened to Brandon (also motion sick and scared of heights and falling---fell to his death---his nightmare). BUT after reflecting on Brandon, I realize that it would be over (hopefully I would die, not get mangled and live for several more years like that) and it is just a miniscule portion of my life.

The main thing to remember is that I died GOING SOMEWHERE FUN!!!! Most important! If I die from electricution while washing dishes, OH LORD JESUS, mourn for me.....mourn and mourn that the death is so so so mundane and related to CHORES.

I choose dying in sleep or some sudden explosion where you don't know anything. Or gunshot or head cut off. Slow death by disease cannot be too great! BUT you do get to say goodbye to people, something Laura and I now value. Sudden accidents are hard to process. And to think this happens to so many people every single day (just read the national and local section of your newspaper!).

Plenty dead from a typhoon (In vietnam, I think). Their family members are beside themselves in grief. They wonder if they suffered, they wonder if they made it to the afterlife of their belief. And this is a tough one for me. I don't believe "everyone gets to go" and so I will have no comfort, only worry for the experiences of some. But one day I will cross over and find for myself what lies there. I will be welcomed into the arms of Jesus by His Own merit and I will understand more of why things are how they are. I will know so much and I long for the knowing.

and if the unbelievers are right, then I will know nothing---and nothing is gained or lost. But I know we continue, I believe we will be aware, and I believe Jesus came to tell us so that we'd trust Him and when He came back to life, He proved He was more than all the others before or after. And He lives now in His body and He is outside of time, while I suffer minutes, hours, and days, always looking forward and bored in the moment (but thrilled by possibilities).

And so I doubt I'll be seeing Jesus this week. No, I'll come home tired and have to face the mundane of daily work---kids fighting, dirty house, unpacking, writing papers, trying to exercise and eating instead (but less night eating thanks to Tums!)

Off to Brazil.....

Headed to Brazil

Oh man, I ain't lookin' forward to the 12 hour flight from dallas to sao paulo.

BUT it will be great to meet a bunch of friendly, gregarious people (and I cannot help but be happy about being the bosses wife).

I've about packed. I put several songs on K's Rio, an MP3 player. It is full now and there aren't really that many. Time for an IPOD already and I've only had this for a couple of days.

Found out my tetanus shot is still good for another year! Woo Hoo! I hate that shot---ouch. The yellow fever one was fine. Quick and as painless as a shot can be with no soreness later. But we might get sick next week. I won't know if its the shot or just me. (seems like I already wrote this.....was it on the blog or in someone's email?)

I have been so bad about email to my friends! I'm praying for Cindy's neck.

Two baby showers this weekend and I can't go to them. My friend Juanita read the study. She didn't like the part where I said something about learning disabilities with one of her children. I had to put them under the microscope, but they were great. They did a great job and it was so fun. I loved writing up the paper---for once! I sweat through them, but it was easier than most. My professor said I did a stellar job (I'm sure I've written that on here already) and she is the one who is so hard to please. The other one (easier to please) said I did excellent work, as usual. That feels SO GOOD!

And I have been getting a lot of respect for my PhD story. Several people know about it now and will ask me, with oohs and ahhs. (I love the part about PAYING me to go there!). People start out asking me, "Masters?" and I say, "PhD." (always very casually, like it is nothing) and their eyes light up as they take that in. Gee, no wonder people get addicted to power or prestige or something. I admit I LIKE that sort of thing.

But the fact remains that I LOVE what I am going to be doing and I am so excited. Another fun thing is that when people find out that I am doing psychology, they want to tell me their whole life or their whole philosophy (like the Elizabeth Arden make-up counter woman today). And I just want to tell them MY story! And then I remember....."Oh yeah, I LIKE to hear about other people's lives.....that's why I do this." So I sit and smile and affirm them and they love it.

OH, Mr. is rubbing the ole shoulder, hooray

Frustration!

Hardly the right picture, but I like it.


I called up North to start proceedings on a certain apartment. It was called a B-2, which refers to a certain floorplan only 635 sq ft. It was already rented over the weekend! I thought she was holding it for me for a couple of days. I was going to take it even though I had to sign a lease for July 15, two months before I need it---because I want to be CERTAIN that I have a place to live and that I am on the 2nd floor or above (scaredy of 1st floor--windows open to the outside--yikes! Without my children to protect, this lion becomes a mouse).

So---Now I am thinking that I will consider going up to B-5. When I look at the floor plan, there are some B-5s that face the southern warm sun and have pedestrian traffic that runs straight through the front office. (or you can come in underneath through the heated garage). That is what I hope to get. However, I will have to see what comes up! I am shooting for an August 15 move-in because there are so many in line for the Sept 1st move in already.

The B-1 is too small, the B-3 is just right. I am okay with the price of the B-3, but going higher freaks me a bit.

I know all this will work out, but trying to work my way through the decisions is tough. I am not used to having to JUMP when I make a decision. I am okay with ambiguity, but I like to wait on big decisions.

We'll see......

going to pilates.....

Pondering, meandering, and life events

We watched Alice in Wonderland last night. Little S was doing a computer project where she had to make a menu with a theme and she chose Alice. So I had K go rent a video and we watched it, GREAT FUN! Cute flowers singing...we had that on a video that my babies watched--Fun With Music.

Gotta love that Queen. "All ways are MY ways!"
I love her powerful expression, her command of the situation, her determination to drive the existance of all she surveys. (not that we should emulate her, mind you). Little S will undoubtly get an A. She excels at creative expression. All her friends get her to make signs for games, a big part of sports around here.

Yesterday was 3 months since Brandon died.

We went to a new church yesterday, Celebration (kind of an odd name for a church), and we all really enjoyed it. It is lighter fare than Grace, but that is more likely to keep little S interested. I want to find somewhere that S and S can enjoy on their own. I'm encouraging good habits. Regular church attendance keeps our hearts reminded of what is important as the mind on its own tends to think only of itself and its own comforts.

After church, we ate sack lunches I had prepared (PBJ, etc) on the way to the Ballet. Romeo and Juliet. Thinking of the romance, I had forgotten the strong death element and was stricken when I realized what that could do to L. The over drama of the death of Ty..whatever his name was (at the hand of Romeo after Tybalt, Tybult? killed his friend) as the Mother grieved, helped them mock the situation instead of connect it to Brandon emotionally. I had trouble enjoying some scenes because of the potential impact on L, but she endured well and S kept her spirits up.
L has a job at Circuit City today starting at noon and she is excited. She'll be making 9.50; she's in the TV department. She knows digital cameras, not TVs, but she'll learn quickly. She is a definite sales person.

I'm reading Lord Jim (by Conrad Joseph, I think) and A Room of Her Own by Virginia Woolf. S has to read some literature for AP English next year, one of them being Sidhartha. I'll read that with her, too, but I went to half-price books and purchased several literature choices for less than 20 dollars. I hope to read them myself. I also got Farewell to Arms, Something about passage to India?, I've forgotten them now....Mrs. Dalloway......

...Reading V. Woolf is interesting. Her sing song way of turning a sentence agrees with my own manner of thinking, yet I'm finding it difficult to read those long sentences continually. So I have to ask myself why I don't enjoy the sudden parenthetical statement that veers ones thoughts towards another direction, since that is what I do to those who read any communication of mine.

Obviously, when one is writing, it should not be for the self. Pascal said as much in some quotes I read of his. You have to write for your audience. And yet I have not quite grown into the discipline. But even today I intend to re-write my empirical paper and hope to have my audience clearly in mind. I will attempt to develop this part of my writing!

And in another direction---I finished A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHURS COURT on Saturday morning before we headed up to the Scarsborough Faire, a renaissance (sp?) festival.

It directed me to conversation with Mr, who is such a capitalist! He would gladly rule and think himself benevolent, even as he blamed the lower classes for their plight, while he might do nothing for them. We went to Ruth Chris Steakhouse where I had one of the freshest most perfectly cooked meals I have enjoyed in some time---all for a pretty penny, of course. But the conversation was delightful and Mr. managed not to take offense at my proddings. Especially when I reminded him that his education was funded by a Pell Grant. So there--he did NOT pull himself up by his bootstraps, somebody FUNDED him because he had promise and he would not be where he is today without that assistance. Assistance that is barely available today.
Mark Twain helped me weave an argument and when Mr has read the book as well, we shall have a fine time savoring the ideas.

The book was such an easy read and quite fun, I was sad when it ended. I was thinking I had no time for fiction, but I read the book so quickly, that I've just forgotten how fun a good fiction can be. They are hard to find these days because I suppose I am too proud to read popular novels, thinking them for airheads and trying to avoid too much likeness between myself and anything airheadish, since we all know I am easily taken for such! :-)
I'm a rather SCHOLARLY airhead, if one at all.

And back to the bookstore---I could not find Les Miserables or the Amy Tan book (forget the name just now, one of my FAVORITES)----THE JOY LUCK CLUB!

I read that years ago, and thoroughly immersed myself in it. Later, I was required to watch the film version for a class. That movie has one of the lines that impacted me greatly! When one of the daughters does not take the fellowship she's been offered (only now do I realize she had to apply!---but at the time I did not know that)--because she is going to do whatever her husband wants. That was before I tried for the PhD, but that movie came RIGHT before that event and effectively imprinted in my mind that what I wanted was WORTH going after and that I should not shrink back.

It just goes to show how our own biases are ready to turn on or off at our whim because how many other women watched that movie and cared not for that scene nor remembered it?? Yet in my desire to pursue higher education, dormant though it was, my mind grasped onto any idea that would give me permission---for a scene in a movie is hardly permission to go about changing your life---but when you want to do something, I suppose any excuse is enough. And so we must be careful about how we prove to ourselves we are right......but I know that this road is a good one for me......that I am truly following my bliss, truly developing my giftedness and that I could not live with myself if I did not follow each opportunity to its end or to success.

and so I will!

Mid May..........

Mid may and I am a graduate. My school is going to interview me for the newsletter (it is a small publication). They thought I am getting the PhD in Psychology, but I'm not. We'll see how it goes. I look forward to being interviewed just for the fun of it!

Had a great time seeing my friend at dinner last night and again for coffee (and lunch!) today. We got together to discuss recent changes and catch up.....and then met at Java Cafe (or something like that) with D and D (one of whom I have just met). Two moms have 7 children and one has 9. Then there was me with the miniscule 3. (and sometimes I'm overwhelmed!). And all three of their husbands have had job issues ----with that many children! God has provided for them all and it is amazing to see.

Today I went to get a manicure at this spa in my little city. Turns out the nail tech and the massage therapist are no longer available. I guess they are going out of business! Too bad! I meant to go there so many times.
I want to get my nails toughened up so they'll grow. I'm not sure what the problem is, but they are peeling and breaking as soon as they grow past the nail bed. L tells me that her friend goes and gets layers of special polish and then they grow. I am wanting to grow my own nails out instead of getting hideous false nails.
Since I am going to Brazil, though, which is crazy beauty conscious (and fashionable supposedly), I am thinking of getting fake nails on my toes... so I can wear sandals without showing my wretched toenails... which usually don't bother me, but I have friends who actually moan about the disgusting ladies who don't manicure their toes!

I still have not gotten my final grade back on one of my classes. She says she'll get to it. Wednesday was actually the grading deadline. She told me not to worry, she was sure I did fine. I am sure I did fine too, but I want to know....was it "B" fine or "A" fine? So close to finishing with a 4.0.

I've lost my glasses. Just today. I have no idea where they could be. I don't usually lose them because I tend to only lay them down in certain places to avoid Nell's habit of losing her glasses daily.....maybe multiple times.
I've looked in all the usual places, then went through and backtracked every part of the house I've been in. No luck. I think I did wear them this moring to go through the paper, but I cannot be sure. I don't have to wear them all the time. I can read for a while before my vision begins to blur. I'm sure they'll show up. I'm typing this with my Rx sunglasses on. I'm so cool.

Praying for Cindy's neck to be healed, in the name of Jesus and for her lab results (of her experiment) to come up significant and for everything to work out well. And that one of her children's return to the roost will be uneventful in the nicest way.

I've been exercising! but now I'm going to go look again for my glasses.....

Houston

Returned from Houston yesterday. Last volleyball tournament. I am mostly glad to close the chapter on all that work, but I am so glad my daughter had the opportunity to play for an elite team! She'll have that memory forever.
Bodyworlds was fantastic. I enjoyed it immensely. There was too much to describe---and this was the simple one! The first one, the basic one. I wish I could see the others! Perhaps I will in time.
I also got to go to the Galleria. It was fun. The lady in the Channel shop of Neiman Marcus considered me a serious shopper, I am flattered! However, I think she could tell that I was genuine because my attitude and behavior. BUT that stems from the fact that I have Channel purses from China that only cost me about 20 bucks. So I feel entitled to Channel purses. Yet I wouldn't buy the REAL ones!! I just want to see the shapes and colors and ooh and ahh over them. I love purses. I love pretty purses, cute purses, and status purses, but I don't like paying much for purses---although I am tempted at times (like the $400 Kate Spade white leather tote), but what kind of craziness is that? That's a month worth of groceries for many families! So I try to keep that in mind.

It is seriously time to exercise. No, I don't want to go to weight watchers, although Dad, Mom, and Cindy all suggest it. I want to eat everything and grow thin (fat chance!). I think I am overeating from stress, yet how to combat that? I go to ballet tonight, aerobics tomorrow and maybe a dance class with friend Juanita, IF she is serious. I try to walk or jog with #1 son and the Mr. in the evening.
but I love coke, I love cookies, and I am not too fond of vegetables en mass.

Brazil should be fun, but I will have to NOT find entertainment in food.

and I have to write a last paper.

since I always always say that----what will I say when I finish that paper???

Maybe..........I have to read to prepare for all the future papers.
OR
I'm reading for my dissertation (oh that will surely be a mantra).

Off to work on the treadmill. The refridgerators gone out. L does not have a job yet! K is moving home soon, and S is doing well on her medicine. (but she still left knee pads at hotel and I had to buy them).

Slimming up in the name of Jesus!

ALMOST DONE NOW

I am so excited to be nearly finished with my paper. I took a break when Mr called, so I ate something and tried to remember the login and password to my blog. (success!)

The conference at his work was great and now he is putting out an email to the higher ups and his peers. I hope that generates strong interest and future possibilities. Plus, he's asked his boss if he can schedule a workshop with his team and the GDC in Brazil (global development center) to craft a communication template to help measure and document the issues that arise throughout an upcoming project. That will mean a workshop here and a workshop in Brazil. I want to be able to participate in those, we'll see what comes of it. I'm afraid I'm not going to get compensation so that it all remains above board. We'll have to get some higher up approval for me to work in it officially---bummer!!!! That's one of my ten thousand life long dreams of today!

okay, back to APA style writing. oof.....