I'm leaving on a jet plane. I do know when I will be back---next Sunday. I already told a friend I'd see her at church--guess I'll send a quick email.

I am so not looking forward to the 12 hour flight. I've got loads of dramamine and I'll be fine. I have to fly into Dallas today, which I hate. The flight there is all up then down, no break, no cruising. I suppose the flight from Sao Paulo to Porto Allegro will be the same, UHG!

On a cheerier note, Mr's former boss told him he might be giving him the China project back. Oh man, how exciting! but I will be up North and likely NOT able to travel ----oh oh oh whine whine whine.

I have until June 10 to finish a paper (re-write) then I am really really done with undergrad. I have until Sept 19 to read the McAdams Personality Text, then I really really start my PhD program. Until then, I am not really thinking of it. If I let myself think of it, I will begin planning and the pressure will begin. I usually like to be ahead and on top of things......probably it is better to wait to do that. I was so upset when my adviser said something like enjoy my summer before I become an academic or something. I was miffed. Hmph! I WANT to work on this stuff. I LOVE it! I would PAY for the priviledge (oh I'll be paying alright).

Yet, now I see the wisdom. I'll be able to look back on this hectic time period as a break. And I'll miss it and long for it. Maybe roll on the floor, whine, and cry......think I'm going to fail.....do something stellar instead (I can insert optimism in my forebodings of doom).

Praying for Cindy's neck. She's been suffering for three weeks and is getting that crazy animal feeling when pain just won't stop. Very hard on the psyche. I am praying healing and comfort and peace, in the name of Jesus (I'm praying more diligently than THAT however).......and she's got a job offer in the city we met. Go Cindy! Money is really nice. People who say really negative things about money either don't have any or have quite a lot. I've done both and I like having it much more. Rather necessary in this society!

I was able to buy some makeup before going. We bought a new carry-on. K's BestBuy discount is Awesome! L is working at Circuit City and sold a plasma TV last night. Biggest sale of the day---she's so good at that. She says she knows how to conform her speech to the type of people that she talks to.....She has a friend starting at Best Buy and she says she doesn't think she can adjust to different people and if you go at them all with just your own style, you cannot sell much (she didn't actually SAY that, she inferred it in the long conversation that I'm not about to write forever).

OK, I think I'm trying to pretend I won't have to be in the air today. Small price to pay to see the world. Glad we have good drugs in the world or I would never go up. As it is, I take my meds, breathe deeply, grip the handrests, press my feet into the foot thing in front of me, READ PURPOSEFULLY, and ignore the horrible physical sensations that tell me something horrible is happening and it must stop now. I try to imagine God rocking me in his hand (If the darn pilot cannot keep the wings steady)---crazy visual but it helps keep my mind busy with the sensations. I don't suppose I'd ever make a good pilot. And I cannot imagine flying by my instruments and ignoring my perceptions! I'm glad someone can do it.

And if I should die in a plane crash ever (hardly likely!) then remember this......Oh yeah, I was terrified when it was dropping or whatever (amongst my worst nightmares---anything falling). I would be calling out to Jesus (just like Dad said religious people do) and I might think how odd after what happened to Brandon (also motion sick and scared of heights and falling---fell to his death---his nightmare). BUT after reflecting on Brandon, I realize that it would be over (hopefully I would die, not get mangled and live for several more years like that) and it is just a miniscule portion of my life.

The main thing to remember is that I died GOING SOMEWHERE FUN!!!! Most important! If I die from electricution while washing dishes, OH LORD JESUS, mourn for me.....mourn and mourn that the death is so so so mundane and related to CHORES.

I choose dying in sleep or some sudden explosion where you don't know anything. Or gunshot or head cut off. Slow death by disease cannot be too great! BUT you do get to say goodbye to people, something Laura and I now value. Sudden accidents are hard to process. And to think this happens to so many people every single day (just read the national and local section of your newspaper!).

Plenty dead from a typhoon (In vietnam, I think). Their family members are beside themselves in grief. They wonder if they suffered, they wonder if they made it to the afterlife of their belief. And this is a tough one for me. I don't believe "everyone gets to go" and so I will have no comfort, only worry for the experiences of some. But one day I will cross over and find for myself what lies there. I will be welcomed into the arms of Jesus by His Own merit and I will understand more of why things are how they are. I will know so much and I long for the knowing.

and if the unbelievers are right, then I will know nothing---and nothing is gained or lost. But I know we continue, I believe we will be aware, and I believe Jesus came to tell us so that we'd trust Him and when He came back to life, He proved He was more than all the others before or after. And He lives now in His body and He is outside of time, while I suffer minutes, hours, and days, always looking forward and bored in the moment (but thrilled by possibilities).

And so I doubt I'll be seeing Jesus this week. No, I'll come home tired and have to face the mundane of daily work---kids fighting, dirty house, unpacking, writing papers, trying to exercise and eating instead (but less night eating thanks to Tums!)

Off to Brazil.....