death

Basically, I find it hard to believe Brandon died. Is this denial? I saw his body in the hospital, I stood with my daughter by his casket, I cried with her and her family. Part of me says, "Oh my gosh, this hurts so bad" and another part says, "Wow. Death is inevitable for all of us and we endure through it". We fall apart, we yell and rail, but we walk through. I cannot believe how common death is, yet it is not part of our culture. The weird movie death is---the gory or the drama or something--but just ordinary--people dying day in and day out.....we don't experience that. I'm forty years old and most people have died far away from me. Most of my grandparents died on the other side of the country, except my grandpa. He looked so small that it did not really look like him. Not my Big Grandpa Ray! And friends died in Arkansas, but I did not go--so they remain alive to me somewhere.
But Brandon? He was right here. He was my daughter's man and she really loved him. She was so fully committing to him right before he died--and he knew it too, so he was very happy. She made him so happy those couple of days before he died--I know he was on top of the world. That doesn't seem fair, but do we want to die when we are going down or at rock bottom? Isn't it better to go out happy? I think Brandon would still say, "Live life on the edge--even if you might fall." I know he didn't mean to fall, I know he didn't like edges or heights, but yet, there he was ....enjoying the beautiful view and not holding back.
So death will come and I hope that I am on the edge. I hope I am living life to the fullest. Oh it is better than dying on the way back from the grocery store to get cat litter. Mourn me if I go in such a mundane way! But it could just be like that. Here one moment and then gone. Barely time to say goodbye. What a lot of work goes into the emotional explanations of why that person is not here. Sometimes I cannot look at Brandon's picture....and I think...what does Linda do? How does she make the pain subside? She walks through. Like everyone must. We cannot shrink back. We must incorporate their life into ours, even as they live on eternally, they can live on this earth through our memories and in the ways we honor them. I never understood that and thought it was just non-believers ways of coping (same as they accuse us of creating an after-life), but now I see it is true (just as eternity is true) that even here we must create ways to hold that person within us. We let go of the body we once loved so much and we allow some part of their nature to become a part of us or we create some meaningful action for them. This is how we order ourselves here when we are left behind. And both parts are important--the recognition that they are with the Lord (if they are)---and the honoring here on earth in the physical. The two are one and we are made complete through that and we acknowlege death in this way. We honor God with our life. We let Him take us through the valley. We trust there may be another mountain top for us in the future, but we let it all go and trust and hurt and ache and console one another and hold and love and rest.

I WILL FINISH

I am determined to keep fighting to get these papers done. Two down and two to go. I have sixty technical pages to read and summarize. It is not THAT hard. My concentration seems limited--so I ate some salami. Very regal. yes....

Laura headed to Dallas

Laura and her dad are headed to Dallas to see his parents and brother. She wants to go by the cemetery.
Brandon's Dad has learned that the place where Brandon fell from and the very place he landed are nearly exact to the places that another young man fell and died from --2 years ago. This mother has a court case coming before the supreme court (maybe the texas supreme court) and even with all that legal action, the park has not done anything --and two OTHER young people have died there too. 28 in all.
This does give the parents some action to take in order to help others and avoid future accidents. There are even picnic tables places BEYOND the safety perimeter and signs as you head to the place saying how beautiful the view is......so the park is making no effort to minimize exposure to the dangerous area where the rock crumbles away under pressure. We'll likely investigate the area ourselves at some point--it is sort of too soon for us right now.
I wanted to go with them to Dallas, but Laura is my priority and she came home last night when I was going to work on my papers that are due on Tuesday. Now I have to spend today (saturday) because I head north tomorrow after church and do not come home until a couple hours before my class when the papers are due. I only have today to finish three more papers, but I am halfway through one of them. There is some heavy reading to complete the other two. I should be able to get through that. If I have to, I'll write them on the plane---under the influence of dramamine!
Pray with me....
I pray that Laura is comforted today and that her love for Brandon comforts his parents and brother. I pray they are united in love today and that they feel supported and renewed. I pray they celebrate Brandon's life and use their energy that others may have life. I pray that those around them give them permission to grieve and mourn and that they permit themselves as well. I pray that they are easy on themselves, with low expectations on performance. I ask that helpful loving people are sent to them to provide in their time of need. I pray they would have comforting dreams of Brandon and are able to say goodbye. In Jesus' name, Amen.

photos

Viper

Here's Steve's new car....

University Fellow

The letter said, "We are pleased to inform you that you have been appointed as a University Fellow in the Graduate School..."
thank you Jesus

Laura

We enlarged this photo for the funeral and we will have one at our home.

Laura misses him so much. She is thankful that she was raised Christian so that she can be reunited with him. We do not grieve as those without hope! She can spend eternity with Brandon.

We preserved the rose he gave her on the morning of Valentine's. He came by her dorm to tell her he loved her, give her a rose, and kiss her before she went to class.

Viper

Viper for MrTexasRivers. Laura went with him to Springfield Missouri to buy a sportscar. Why he thinks he really needs this is beyond me.......when you can build churches in India for $2000--but hey-he has worked hard and been very successful. I am pleased that he can get what he wants. He has wanted this car for a long time.
He and Laura went up there yesterday to purchase it and they are bringing it back on a trailer. They've had hours to talk and God is obviously giving Mr.Texas Grace---he tells me he talked for 10 hours! WOW!

I tried to put a picture on here, but can't. If you want to see a picture--email me and I can send you one. I looked up on google images and they were not the same. His is red with no stripe and it has a roof.
Laura says Brandon would have loved it! They will take it up and let his Dad drive it. That will be a glimpse of fun in a dark time.

Laura on Tuesday

Today is a week.
Laura has stopped crying continuously and we are keeping her busy. She is suffering. She is very strong, we believe in her.
Jesus is comforting her and friends are praying. She's trying to figure out what her life means. She's drawing near to the Lord and looking forward to the day she'll be re-united with Brandon.

Laura's journey

Today is Monday. Thank you for any prayers. Laura feels that she's held up right now. She stayed with us. We went to Barnes and Nobles and purchased grief books and fiction to read. We bought her Papa John's pizza and she ate for the second time. We watched "Left Behind" and she's asking the Lord Jesus to come quickly that she be reunited with Brandon. She's really talking through all her feelings. We were so glad to have her here! To see her with us! And she slept with me in my bed (Daddy lovingly went to the couch). Today we are discussing endtime prophecy and biblical truth.

Brandon

Dear Brandon,

We’re really missing you and can’t believe you are gone. I don’t know if you can hear us, but I know you exist differently now. How we wish we could see you! I know you are full of love and grace with Jesus, but how we miss you living in your body. Where Laura could see you and touch you, hear your voice, get a hug, hold you.

Your time with her was too short for us, Brandon. We wanted you to be with Laura forever. We wanted those pretty grandbabies. We knew you were perfect for her and we encouraged her to value you, because she found all she wanted in you. No one was ever good enough for Laura. She wondered if she would ever really love. How could she when her Daddy was so perfect? But she told us it was you. You were even so much like her Daddy.

Your patience seemed to have no end. Your steadfastness was amazing. Your ability to keep your head with Laura was commendable. You made her tell you what was wrong. You called her on any manipulations. You waited on her and doted on her. You made her laugh, you made her happy. We never saw Laura so consumed with anyone. She talked about you the whole time whenever she came home. She went painstakingly through recent interactions talking about the way things were going. She was talking about the future.

She told how good you were with your dog. How much you loved your parents and little brother. She told us that when she talked bad about someone, you would say, “Laura, that’s not attractive”. You made her a better person.

How we felt you would become our family. This felt natural and right to us. We were pleased and I began to brag to friends about this young man Laura had found. We felt so good about who you were. Our brief interactions together proved you to be of much character. Laura was fiercely defensive of you. She was attracted to you like a magnet. She could not stand being home and away from you. All she wanted was Brandon.

Brandon, I am so sorry you fell. We worry you were frightened, scared, or hurting consciously. We know you would never do that on purpose, that you didn’t like the edges of things yourself. You were as surprised as we are that you fell.
Brandon, if we could have saved you, we would. We would do anything to get you back. It hurts so much that we cannot control this. It doesn’t seem fair. It hurts unimaginably. You were such a great person, we wish it were not YOU that died.

We are so sorry you were hurt. How we prayed for a miracle Brandon. We don’t know why we didn’t get one. We wanted you to come through that accident alive. We thought we might get it when you went to ICU. Brandon, we thought there was hope. We were holding on. We know you were so healthy and strong that you held on to give your Dad, Mom, Chris, Laura, Brandon, and Stevo some time to prepare, but we wanted you to come through!

Brandon, I’m sorry that your head was so injured. I’m sorry that your brain was really hurt. We prayed for healing, Brandon, the only thing we could do. We stood together in love believing you would come through. Laura declared she would love you forever even paralyzed, just please, come through alive.

But it didn’t happen and we can’t bear all that we are going through. We cannot bear this heaviness, Brandon. It crushes us. We want you back. We want Laura to hold you, kiss you, be with you forever Brandon. You meant so much to so many people. We can’t see what good can come of this! We know God will work some good in it, but to us, it is so painful that there is no good. The good would have been the life lived long. We pray God help us come to an understanding and acceptance because it hurts so bad that it seems impossible.

Brandon, if you hear or see anything, know that Laura loves you forever. She loves you deeply. You were the one for her. She found in you all that she wanted. I’m so thankful that you had the last couple days in complete happiness. I’m so happy you shared that. I wanted it to go on and on. We love you Brandon. We love you through Laura with an intensity that shocks us. Your death causes strangers to cry. You are Laura’s first Love, her real love, You were to her what Steve and I are to each other. We wanted you to have a long story together.

Brandon, we wish we could bring you back. We can’t bear the pain. We miss you. You were needed here. You left too soon. I know you would never leave Laura because she tried to get rid of you and you wouldn’t let her. You told her she couldn’t leave you, and you were right. You had it so right Brandon and you understood her so much. You taught her so much. I know you hate to be parted too. Even in Heaven, perhaps you wish you could be with her here for a little while longer. But while you understand so much more now, we are left here on the earth where things are not so clear.

We are asking Jesus to help us understand. To wrap His arms around Laura and your parents, brother and friends. They need you so bad but you aren’t here now. We pray Jesus help them and comfort them, give them strength to live. They need faith to live. They need to see something good in this world. They need to be able to make it through the pain. All humanity must see death, but how cruel it comes sometimes. This fact of life seems better left unlearned.

But we will cherish the memories, Brandon. We will cherish how sweet you were, how handsome, how strong, how smart, your wonderful family, your love for them, your love for Laura, your car dancing, your insistence that she treat you right, your wisdom and character—so rare in one so young. We will cherish your life. We will cherish our thoughts of you. We will cherish every point where our lives connected. We will honor your memory forever.

Brandon, we miss you. We love you. We wanted so much. We are praying that we make it through and live in such a way that you’d be pleased with that. You won’t be forgotten.
You are still living in all these hearts. Your impact will continue on and on. You’ve changed Laura’s life in so many ways, we honor that.

Thank you, Brandon. Thank you for a life well lived. Thank you. Thank you for coming into our lives and touching it so deeply. We cannot imagine living without you, but we would never give up the memories to get away from the pain. Rather, we will walk through the pain and honor you in every way we can. You will forever be loved Brandon! You will be forever young! With love.

Valentines Day Loss

It is with such grief that I write of the death of a wonderful young man. My daughter is in mourning and she cannot fathom the anguish that lies ahead. She suffered so much when she lost her beloved Arturro, the six year old Dalmation, to a brain tumor and he bled from his nose. To see the blood flow from the face of her ideal man was devastating. Her love for him seemed to comfort his parents who appreciated all who came to stay with them in their long waiting. The boy was just 19, a young man, with a full future ahead of him. Excellent character, wonderful family, smart, godly, good-looking, ambitious, sensitive, athletic, strong-willed. He was the perfect match for our girl. We are so sad about it, so bewildered. But death is a part of life and we all have our time. His seems far too soon, but we don't understand all that occurs in this life, but we hope to know everything in the future.

Accepting the school in the North!

Hi friends, family, cyberspace, and self,

I am going to accept the offer to get my PhD in the north. Mr. TexasRivers knows that I am not going to be happy going to the local school after making it to the big school. May God be praised and I thank Him profusely for giving me the opportunity. I cannot fathom all that I will deal with on my road ahead, but I pray I always get my homework done! May I always write my papers! May God give me the opposite of ADHD! May my family always be a comfort and refuge for me. I pray we all prosper in God's love and goodness.
Time to do the homework,
TexasRivers

My youngest had a hard weekend. I am praying for a smooth week at school. We travel away for vball to Nebraska next weekend and she's got a lot to deal with. The team is not doing well--it is not cohesive. The coach doesn't seem able to bring things together. He's favoring a player that doesn't merit such favor and it is causing division amonst the players. My guess is that since that player's mom is the team mom--and very vocal and opinionated--that she is somehow driving that because the player hopes to play college. But many of the girls hope to play college (not my daughter). So, it is either that or he is rewarding her for taking extra private lessons, doing extra personal training sessions and perhaps he feels that since she is trying so hard she should get court time. I say if someone is spending that much time working on their game and still playing crappy, maybe they should rethink their committment to the sport! Most players improve substantially with some extra time and effort--so why not this girl?

Anyway, I'm just praying the best for my youngest. She's overwhelmed with life sometimes and I wish I could make it easier for her somehow. I think she has it pretty easy, so there is no way to let up on her. She's got to keep her grades up and she finds that extremely challenging. We don't require much housework out of her at all. It just won't get any easier than this.

Friends, Family, Children

Life is hard! Today has been a sweeping day of emotions. I finished a big research paper today and sent it to the professor for comments. She'll return it and I'll begin again. This will be my process for the rest of my life, so I must dig in and excel.
Child 1 comes home and we discuss the move north. Wonderful friends A and J write to say they want to take me out to celebrate grad school! And these are my home-school Bible friends, dear to my heart! Friends B, T, and Ch cheer me on. I meet with B and T next week and Ch sometime after she returns from her sisters baby shower in Colorado. Northern friend C emails about her son D moving in with me up there.
Then mom calls and says she might come up there too! Or she might come here with MrTexasRivers or maybe with my bro or with my sis. I tell her be free. Go where she wishes. She has options. So she considers retiring, but she hates to reduce her income.
Then Child 3 has not called. I call her. She is not where she said she would be at Es. No she is with E picking up C to go to Ks (all in neighborhood area) But I say, You are supposed to call me BEFORE you change activities! She says, I was going to! Then I get a call from the school.
"Your child missed one or more classes today" OH great. She did come home at lunch for a reason--and later says that they just didn't make it back on time and it is her first time to miss (as far as I know, it really is) and that she wasn't skipping, she was tardy (so they don't let you go to class).
But I am so worried that this one just doesn't care to press toward the right thing. So many of her attitudes are similar to her aunt. She is failing, she has no job, she has no major crisis, and she does very few chores (and if she takes out the litter, trash, or feeds animals SHE REMINDS YOU HOW HARD SHE WORKS) but WE are so HARD on her. If we correct her, we are mean.
It is strange. I don't see how the logic holds up in her head...But what goes on in child 3s mind, I don't know. Since I know her aunt, she may never mature into taking responsibility for her own attitude and actions in the way that the older children have matured. But I must remember she is NOT her aunt---and so that is not her destiny. She has time to mature and maybe she is just slow in that area. Or maybe she IS becoming more responsible, but it is not yet reaching her actions. As always TIME WILL TELL. I pray she succeed in her own goals and that she work for them and take responsibility for her right and wrong actions.

Blogging Bad For Academics

Oh the death of my blog comes too soon. But I read this article.....on purpose...
http://www.slate.com/id/2130466/

I LIKE having a blog--and I cannot say mine has been academic whatsoever--so it is probably not a good idea. I read about a woman adjunct professor who lost her job because they realized who she was by some descriptive information. She was blogging to the world about the conditions she found as an adjunct. Basically, total disrespect for her as a professor. Low pay, no office, supposedly some file space in a file cabinet, but it was under lock and key and whoever held the key was bothered by having to unlock it for her. She had gotten a real following, particularly by other adjuncts who were distressed by the same things and found her descriptions painfully true. Evidently she was a very intelligent and insightful person and there was a general outcry when she posted that she had lost her job and was closing the blog. That was when I came across it in the news, so I am sad that I missed reading it! I know adjuncts are paid nearly nothing---like $3000 for a semester--not enough to live on! I know that my area is saturated with PhDs due to the Doctoral Machine of this central area (Go doctoral machine!). However, I am optimistic enough to hope that when I return there might be a place for me. Perhaps I can distinguish myself in some area or portion of my graduate career --enough to stand out above some of the others. It's a dream. It could happen! So I'll go work on that paper I must finish to present in the Spring. Gotta get published and NOT on a blog!

Glory be to God

Lord God I look to you in humble state
With bended knee brought down to lo the earth
But lifted head does grace your fairest face
And sweetest eyes lift up mine heart to worth
I tremble at your lovely beauty scorned
By those who claim to know your nature true
But with great love your actions are adorned
Your gentleness and power in all you do
So if they miss on this your goodness kind
Do show the mercy that bestows to save
Because the saving never came from mind
But something that you freely chose and gave
Lift up their hearts and bend their knees in time
May all the world give glory that is thine

Confirmation of Admission

I just have to tell myself Hooray! I received a letter from the graduate school today saying, " I am writing to find out if you are going to attend our event for admitted graduate students on Monday, Feb. 27" ...and I AM!
It is good to see the email. Yesterday I almost emailed the Director (he told me I could), but I don't want to seem pushy or anxious, so I want to SEEM composed and just talk when I get up there.
The problem with THAT is that I will likely spill out my emotions when I get there, but I shall try to keep them dampened down ...even with that I may be giddy. I mean, euphoria is a little hard to hide. Why can't I be more boring and stable?? Cause life would be too EASY then.....and boring is a key word.
I read in my children's cognition book that infants with higher intelligence are bored more quickly and the theory is that they so quickly can scan and encode meanings or similarities of their environment, that they like the novelty of new stimulation. SO THERE! I AM NOT UNSTABLE I AM JUST SMART.
Mr. Texas Rivers and I discussed that we really have it the best way....cause I miss him less when I am away and he misses me less when he is at home. But when he travels ---we are both miserable. I went to Washington, DC without him and had a blast. We'll see what I think of going up north in Feb cause I might be insecure in a new place that I am going to--and it might bring out my attachment insecurities. (anxious attachment and bowlby and ainsworth--google it).
It does seem that it might have been or would be better to go to the west coast---and I would so love seeing my family out there regularly!!! But I want to work with this guy who is sure to have great connections and be able to land me a position--maybe even here in Texas (I'm sure he could get me something up north, but who wants to live in a place like that for any length of time--horrors!)

Then my long time best buddy now renewed--C--is in my city with her son--D--and he is taking the town! Three call backs on some acting auditions. I am in prayer believing he will live there--then my 1st child will come up there--and C can come visit me frequently. What a great time we could have! And 1st born could find him a good woman. Oh MAN! It just occurred to me that if he finds one UP THERE--that her family will be there. Oh there's a conflict already. My little grandbabies far from Texas???? Well, God will be God and He can do as He pleases. I trust Him to get it all figured perfectly in the long run. And He's made things work out so good for us lately, that it is rare that we even question Him! But we all know how we get when things don't go our way......"Why God? Why?"
Not today. I am all about THANKS GOD THANKS!
and perhaps you can help me write this research paper instead of being all abuzz about grad school every minute of the day!
Texas Rivers

HARD THINKING

Wednesday morning and working on research paper. I have to go back and enter that mindset again, and this time---keep the qualitative comments out. My professor assures me that I will shine in the qualitative work, but I wrote a leadership paper (as I mentioned) and it is so lame. My team member for the group paper wrote that she was working on hers and "I think I have a winner!"......well, we'll see when she gets her grade. I, personally, am concerned for my grade because this teacher is a stickler for grammer and I have to write the paper in MLA. I am used to APA now, and I find it SO MUCH EASIER. Now, true, it is even harder than MLA in general because there is a rule for every little dot you stick on the paper and you have to look those up for a big paper.....but when you are just doing library research with a four page paper--oh my gosh, APA anyday. I like that you can just refer to their IDEAS and add the name and year. MLA needs a page all the time....and since I don't think in details, I have to find a specific THOUGHT of theirs that I want to use, instead of their overall message. But I like that they have the new plagerism program called TurnItIn.com. That way I get credit for not using other people's work. When I saw my group members contribution, she had mostly all quotes and a couple of transition sentences. I just don't respect work like that. Where is the thinking involved? You can't just tape other people's thoughts together and say you had a thought of your own. But even my thoughts all seem constructed by someone else. I have my own opinions, but I don't feel informed or ready to leap in with fresh independent ideas. I feel like I am still working on the foundation. But I like that the program I'm going into will be interdisciplinary--as things should have been. Now with the internet, different fields can share information more readily. I am not that interested in knowing everything about ONE THING---but that is what a PhD is---so at least I will be informed in an interdisciplinary way.

On another note. I am thinking of starting a Christian blog in addition to this one--but probably won't. Then the dichotomy might disturb me. And then I thought about making one that I let school people see. Shoot, I'd be on here all the time just TALKING TO MYSELF and pretending that someone was bothering to read it! I need to spend that time producing real work--so that is what I will go do.

Closing down the day

Albert Schweitzer said.....

Day by day we should weigh what we have granted to the spirit of the world against what we have denied to the spirit of Jesus, in thought and especially in deed.

Do not let Sunday be taken from you If your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan.

So I know I will miss 3's volleyball tournament on Sunday so that I can go to church. It was painful to miss this last Sunday, especially after I was granted such a wonderful gift of graduate school acceptance.

Texas Rivers