death

Basically, I find it hard to believe Brandon died. Is this denial? I saw his body in the hospital, I stood with my daughter by his casket, I cried with her and her family. Part of me says, "Oh my gosh, this hurts so bad" and another part says, "Wow. Death is inevitable for all of us and we endure through it". We fall apart, we yell and rail, but we walk through. I cannot believe how common death is, yet it is not part of our culture. The weird movie death is---the gory or the drama or something--but just ordinary--people dying day in and day out.....we don't experience that. I'm forty years old and most people have died far away from me. Most of my grandparents died on the other side of the country, except my grandpa. He looked so small that it did not really look like him. Not my Big Grandpa Ray! And friends died in Arkansas, but I did not go--so they remain alive to me somewhere.
But Brandon? He was right here. He was my daughter's man and she really loved him. She was so fully committing to him right before he died--and he knew it too, so he was very happy. She made him so happy those couple of days before he died--I know he was on top of the world. That doesn't seem fair, but do we want to die when we are going down or at rock bottom? Isn't it better to go out happy? I think Brandon would still say, "Live life on the edge--even if you might fall." I know he didn't mean to fall, I know he didn't like edges or heights, but yet, there he was ....enjoying the beautiful view and not holding back.
So death will come and I hope that I am on the edge. I hope I am living life to the fullest. Oh it is better than dying on the way back from the grocery store to get cat litter. Mourn me if I go in such a mundane way! But it could just be like that. Here one moment and then gone. Barely time to say goodbye. What a lot of work goes into the emotional explanations of why that person is not here. Sometimes I cannot look at Brandon's picture....and I think...what does Linda do? How does she make the pain subside? She walks through. Like everyone must. We cannot shrink back. We must incorporate their life into ours, even as they live on eternally, they can live on this earth through our memories and in the ways we honor them. I never understood that and thought it was just non-believers ways of coping (same as they accuse us of creating an after-life), but now I see it is true (just as eternity is true) that even here we must create ways to hold that person within us. We let go of the body we once loved so much and we allow some part of their nature to become a part of us or we create some meaningful action for them. This is how we order ourselves here when we are left behind. And both parts are important--the recognition that they are with the Lord (if they are)---and the honoring here on earth in the physical. The two are one and we are made complete through that and we acknowlege death in this way. We honor God with our life. We let Him take us through the valley. We trust there may be another mountain top for us in the future, but we let it all go and trust and hurt and ache and console one another and hold and love and rest.