32 feels like 21

The sky is overcast, but there is usually enough sun here.

I am not motivated. Motivation is one of the interesting things about humans..their motivations--which are sometimes obvious, sometimes obscure---sometimes both for varying situations.

I am tired, I guess. Tired of working up all the effort. I suppose by human comparison, I am perhaps lazy. Lazy in certain areas, because I can be very tense and aggressive at times. And very determined. But I think I want the easy life after a few great years of work. This is what I really wanted--I wanted to get a PhD and teach in the University. That much I am SURE of. It is right up there with other things I am sure that I like.......MBTI, China, Pregnant Moms, Jesus (not in that order!)

I wish I could have this in my hometown! What a fun world THAT would be---because it is mondo cool here (is that even a phrase?). I mean, big time cool. I will undoubtedly long for it. But I am longing for home in such a great way, I will simply have to find my contentment there. Contentment? I am rarely "content". The Bible encourages us to be content in every circumstance (well, Paul says that he is, whether well fed or hungry, rich or poor in Philippians--that he's learned that, so maybe I can learn it too).

It is just that I like complexity in life. Home life doesn't lend itself to complexity, dishes and bathrooms are SO MUNDANE!!!

But what I have seen here is that I am so simple by comparison to them. Not simple totally, I just mean that I am more easily satisfied than they are whereas in church, I usually feel so much more complex than many others (not all by any means! I love my complex friends).

I am an ENFP conservative Christian almost fundamentalist evangelical (rather liberal and feminist for that designation). I am a Wife and Mother and altruistic to some degree. I enjoy intellectual stimulation and abhore manual labor unless I am sure it is helpful to someone. I am extroverted (already said that) and that mediates my neuroticism to a great degree (helps me be optimistic E which negates the pessimism of N).

I'm about to have to explain myself a million times over. I am concerned how my boss will take it. I am sad that he's invested in me and I will be leaving. I will be sure to find out if there is any way I can work for him in Texas! I would like to continue doing interviews and coding the transcripts. I would like to continue on with his work somehow. He is so interesting and I enjoy his work! He's a regular guy, too, not just an ego.

Mr is happy, though. He's happy that I've come to a definite end. He found it very hard not to try to persuade me to come home, but rather to support me when I was traumatized and encourage me to keep working at it (as he knew I wanted him to do even though I felt hopeless at times).

I'm happy to go home. I'll enjoy the conference, the broadway show, the movie night (wed) and the party (feb 2), but beyond that ....I wish I could just go now! But I managed to make it and will continue to work here until the proper time. Maybe I can get my blood pressure back down again!