Happy

Have I used this picture yet?

I have definitely decided on going home. I know, I know. Some people will be disappointed in me, but I am the one that must live my life.

I can deal with my own misery (well, half-heartedly anyway) but worrying about S, my baby.....that gets tough. As long as she and Mr are doing well than I my angst is limited to self.

But if I am spreading angst around--that gets to me.

I feel that the time is too long. Even now that I've made a firm decision (I will have to keep the program from talking me out of it), I hate to wait until March.

I have to give 60 days notice and it costs me two months penalty. As if I haven't cost my family enough already! But this was a chance of a lifetime and worth every penny. To decline or to refuse to try would be the antithesis of life! We MUST try and we must move forward. I'm thankful that I have choices. I'm thankful that I had this opportunity.

But it does make me miserable to be away from home. And it is making S miserable too. She's there by herself so much! My mom is there, but she stays up in her rooms. And even when Mr is there---well, three introverts in the house do not make for much livelihood!

I am sad to see how simple I can be. To my church friends, I suppose I am complex and liberal and ambitious. To the people here, I am simple, conservative and mild. It is a whole different world. Sometimes I LOVE that--and other times it is uncomfortable--but I do love the stimulation of all these ideas floating around. AND getting to dispute them ....something I have not really done because I just was able to start thinking critically last week!

I have so many fun things coming up.

On Jan 10th the F forum gets together to watch "7up" or "49up" ...I watched "35up" which is a documentary about a group of seven year olds from 1958 or something. Maybe 1957. They are just a year older than my brother, I think.

A journalist chose them at age 7 from a range of social classes in London. He's gone back to film them every seven years. Great longitudinal stuff!

We'll watch it and then eat deli sandwiches and discuss.
Sometime else this month, we go to a broadway play and then out to dinner to discuss! Then on the 24-27th is the Personality and Social Psychology APA conference. WOO HOO! And I get to go as my advisors student---which is very prestigious.

Then on Feb 2nd, there is a party at his house for the whole department and spouses (or intimate consorts, he said).
Then I go home on Feb 7-11.
Then my family all comes here March 12 + for a few days for Spring Break. K will bring M, L will bring G and S will bring a girlfriend E. (we aren't bringing boyfriend E). Girls will be in one hotel room, boys in another. But Mr will take them around, plus they can go explore. We'll have two big guys with them all if Mr isn't there---and three if he is.
They should have fun.
I'll be finishing so I can't be sure what will happen.

Then I'll move out in March. (sniff sniff)
but I think it is the right thing to do. I do not feel I can sustain this length of time away from home no matter what. I don't want to live a single life here....I'm decidedly a family girl. But it has been fun and tormenting in a dramatic interesting way.
I am so past the worst,
but also.....I think the loneliness part is about to get bad....so I've been watching TV. Citizen Kane last night while Mr went to bed.

He arrived last night 3 and a half hours late due to plane trouble in Ireland. We took D to a nice Hotel in my suburb and we went to an elegant restaurant. Then home and Mr crashed right away. He hadn't really slept in a couple of days. He had gotten some sleep, but not nearly enough. It's more than 10 hours since we got home and he's still asleep.

I got him to unpack and I've washed all his clothes and hung them. I am not ironing because he might wait until he gets to Brazil (they leave today for Brazil) and I also don't do a good enough job for him anyway. He likes a military press or something. Very intense ironing. I just get the wrinkles out and make all the seams smooth.
I'll take them to Bob Chin's crab house and then to the airport. Mr is exhausted, I hope this long sleep does him good. He doesn't sleep well apart from me and I guess I don't really sleep well ANYWHERE! But I've learned a lot about myself. (and some of it is good)