BURRRRR

Weather says 28 degrees feels like 16. and in the morning....it will feel like 12 degrees. So it will be cool (very cool, a bit o pun) to experience this. What if I fall down on the ice? I wonder what I should wear?
I will be sure to shower early in the morning so when I go to school at 11am, I won't have any wet hair.

I went to the garage tonight to get my cell phone out of my car---and my ankles were exposed--and they got a little chill---and the garage is HEATED! That was weird.

I just looked out my window and we've got maybe 1/2 to 1 inch on the cars and the plant beds. There isn't any yet on the sidewalks, they are all wet.

The wind is going to gust at 30 mph even up to 40 mph. I am not sure what that feels like. I may have experienced it, but seems like 20-25 is the usual bad ones I'm familiar with.

Not able to do my stats. Thinking I'll try to finish out this year and then take a year off. Even if the schoolwork goes well, I sure miss my honey. This is far too long!

Off to bed and hopefully, peaceful slumber. I am not sleeping good at all. and eating way way too much ---which is not common for me at all. I may eat poorly, but I don't usually eat frequently---but currently, I feel starved inside and out. So my mouth wants to munch and my stomach wants to be FULL and neither one is ever satisfied. I know it is an emotional thing. So I'm blaming my parents for their DNA they passed along and that way I don't feel so bad. (real productive, right?! NOT).

But everything is going to be alright.

Snow ---pic is just one from google images

Here is the weather report......WINTER STORM WARNING IN EFFECT FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO 12 PM CST FRIDAY
Tonight...Cloudy with snow developing in the evening. Snow May be heavy at Times after midnight. Snow accumulation of 4 to 6 inches. Windy. Temperatures nearly steady in the lower 30s. Northeast winds 20 to 30 mph. Gusts up to 35 mph. Chance of precipitation 100 percent.

Friday...Snow in the morning...Then a chance of light snow in the afternoon with areas of blowing snow. Snow May be heavy at Times in the morning. Snow accumulation of 4 to 6 inches. Total snow accumulation 8 to 12 inches. Windy. Highs in the lower 30s. Northwest winds 20 to 30 mph. Gusts up to 40 mph. Chance of precipitation 100 percent.

THE WORST THING IS THAT MY HUSBAND'S FLIGHT WAS CANCELLED!!! and so I am spending tonight alone when I thought my honey would be here. I was at the grocery store and locked my keys in my trunk. I called the police and while I waited for one to come, I learned that the flight was cancelled. It is a good thing I was in public and about to have to interact with the police or I would have had a major drama cry moment right there. As it was, I started crying anyway. Just WHAM, the tears flooding out. But I got control of myself. ....yet I feel as though I've been holding myself together just waiting for him to come.....and then to find out he WASN'T coming!?!?!
But I'm okay now. My baby S needs him there anyway because she is sick. He took her to the doctor today and then by the grocery store so she'd have good food to eat while he was gone. At least he'll be there to check on her tomorrow and see if her fever is down.

I guess I'll work on econ and stats. oh fun.

ok, so I'm not a youth, but isn't this sufficiently dark?

Depressed again

Weird. I was feeling okay yesterday. Last night I could not sleep. Wanted to go home.

I only have this tiny bit of time left ....just this one week! But it is too much.....I so want to go home.

I keep trying to figure out ways to make it hard to leave. I've brought a bunch of stuff up to my office--so it would be difficult to unpack, etc.

and the McNair program is always haunting me. I want to succeed for all the McNair students. We count on each other succeeding. They've invested in me. I don't want to let them down.

I was so sure this was what I wanted---and I still KNOW it is what I want---just unsure if I should keep plugging on. What price is worth it? and is this the flu shot talking? Did the flu shot make my mood pit?

I keep hearing all these weird sounds, like the train is running by over and over. That cannot be. The train runs by at intervals. Maybe I am hearing the cars go by because the condition of the air makes the sound convey or amplify or something. Maybe I'm crazy (with hispanic accent, like on Happy Feet---CRAY see).

I don't want to give the presentation today or tomorrow. I actually don't want to do any of the things I need to do---but I am sure I will.
I wish I could just go home---that I didn't have a lease! The lease is very serious and expensive and I cannot afford to go home unless I can get out of it. So it is a sort of anchor here.

but with my blood pressure (which I'll take to be sure it is okay!) and with my weight and I'm such a baby......
well, I'll just keep going and hope this stops.

but I want to end after one year. If I can even make it that long! My advisor teaches a personality class in the spring session (which is 10 weeks in April, May, and June because we're on the quarter system). I don't want to miss that.

I know, I know. Everyone will be disappointed in me. But I am the one who must live my life and I must make the choices. Mr is worried I'll be all depressed---which is true since this is what I wanted to do ---and the only thing I've wanted more is to be a missionary in China--which hasn't gotten far. But I'm not dead yet, so there is still time.

and I'm more of a generalist than a specialist---but I was hoping the PhD would change that! It is such hard work and so much pressure and so many things they expect and I am ready to be done already.

but you know, I'll probably be aching to get back after Christmas (I hope so). Because I do love it here. I love the people and I love the talks all the time and I love the weather! and I love my little apartment. I haven't gotten enough chance to explore here.

and I don't know why God won't just keep writing in the sky daily for me. Cloud speak would be nice. I suppose I should spend more time in prayer so I could actually hear Him. I know He is speaking and I know He'll get through to me one way or the other.
So in faith, I'll put one foot in front of the other and be faithful to do my work.

Not sleeping well sure does not help one's mental outlook! I need some sleep!

FLU SHOT!!

I GOT MINE!!!

I went and got a flu shot at the grocery store. $28 yikes! But I am on the plane all the time and here with all these different people coming from different places and Mr flying around the world and such. I suppose it is better to be covered.

It is my first year to get it. I've never had the flu. I hear it is horrid, though, so I'd rather not risk it. I'll get it for how ever many years I spend here. Then we'll see.

I've had so many shots in the last couple years, geesh.
I got the MMR recently for school. That was a live virus and OH it stung. OUCHIE.


On another note, I realized that when I walk, I do not push off enough. I spend energy on the bounce UP, but do not propel myself forward, instead...I sort of switch legs. I'm going to work on that. More PUSH when I am switching to the other foot, so that instead of bouncing up, I will PUSH forward and extend the length of my gait.

Around here, people walk so FAST (and they talk fast too, but I like that one).
Today, a small man, shorter than me, whizzed past me when I was going as fast as I can. Not that this is unusual. When I am walking to school, even at my fastest pace, inevitably someone passes me. I'm used to it. I couldn't figure out exactly what they might be doing, but now I think it is that push. I'll letcha know.

Today I was worried about my feet. At REI (while home), I bought some silk liners and (today) wore double layers of socks to reduce friction like hikers. My feet are soft when I get here because I have that nice whirlpool bath at home. Often I don't even use that whirlpool feature at all, but it is an awesome soaking tub. Well, that gets all the dead skin off the ole heels, but I NEED that tough skin up here. So.....

I promised myself I'd wear my ecco comfort shoes for the next four days and wear the silk liners with another pair of socks over them to give my feet a chance to toughen up. It worked today anyway---NO blisters today. The last two times I went back home, I returned here and suffered (which is fine) but I am getting wiser.

I also am much more comfortable and at ease, in general. I knew my way around the airport this time and understood where I was parked and how to get there. I had my mental map working, just like at home. Makes life much easier. I was more calm today in my econ class too. I did econ reading on the plane trip home (yes, while on dramamine, but better than nothing) and I just sat and absorbed all I could in class.
I was late getting there because I just resist going. But I went. One foot in front of the other, one at a time. I went. and time passed and I was OUT! Now I just have one more week until the final exam. I have to write a 10 page paper analyzing a program from an economist's view. But in one week, that will all be over. On Tuesday, I take the exam at 9am and I am done.

Before that, I have to give a presentation tomorrow. I've already turned in the paper and powerpoint and tonight I'll finish practicing. Then Wednesday I think there is a discussion for Stats, then I'll do another presentation (my Chinese research) for a cultural workgroup, then Wednesday PM classmates are doing an econ study session. Thursday I study with a 3rd year grad for econ and then pick Mr up at the airport in the evening. Then Friday is a econ session with the professor and the class. I'll spend the weekend writing the paper. Then turn in the stats LONG LONG final take home exam on Monday along with my econ analysis paper. Then Tuesday I take that econ final and I AM HEADED HOME!!!!!

Very excited.
I loved going home for Thanksgiving. It was great.
The weather was so great! It was about 75 degrees in the day and 50 at night. We had the windows open. Sunny every day. Crazy.

I took my girls shopping (they love that) and I went with Mom and her friends (em and ol) to the thanksgiving parade (oh that was so cute! I'll add some pics on here ---they are on my baby S's computer at home and I've got to load them up on Kodak to get them).

My kitty did great while I was gone. Litter was decent and there was still plenty of food and water. She was happy to see me. Purr purr purr and meow.

Oh, I've got to go do work. Horrors. It can be very fun up here, but really, it is so hard without mr. I love him and miss him and he's just good to have around. We drive each other crazy but we wouldn't have it any other way. We're pretty used to each others idiosyncrasies.

Ta-ta, that's all for now, darling! Love to all!
(and I sure loved my baby's S's fantastic decorated sugar cookies! Yum!)

forgot to tell you!

I bought some serious gear! I got a ski mask for kids at REI so it only cost about 10 dollars on sale==also bought some hiking socks...well, sock liners. To keep feet from getting blisters. I've come home and taken a bath in my fab tub and it makes my feet so soft that I go back and get rubbed raw each time---but I don't care! I can take it! I'm learning to put up with them. --and finding ways to make it not so bad.
So the socks will help. Double layers. and when I go home this time, the whole first four days will be the SAME pair of shoes (black ecco's that are great and comfy).

Seems like there was something else, but I've forgotten already!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ok. Spent the day with these guys. and my mom!

The weather here? Perfect. We slept with the windows open. Very California. 50 degrees at night and 75-80 in the day. Ahhh. Lots of sun. But actually, we get a lot of sun up North, too.

I came home Tuesday night. I was so tired! I barely made it to the airport in time. That afternoon, I was fatigued and asked mr to call me in one hour so I had time to nap and then get ready for the airport. He was so busy at work, that he forgot to call me! Which is my own fault, I should have set an alarm clock, but I was glad it happened that way. On the hectic frantic way to the airport, I was stuck on the tollway going 1 mph. I was so frustrated just sitting there and looking at the cars and trucks creeping along that praying wasn't much consolation. Mr said "Just park in the expensive lot, then" Good idea because even parking in that darned expensive lot (again---this time for five days!), I just barely made it to my gate 2 minutes before boarding. I hadn't even caught my breath yet (I was doing the O.J. through the airport). I even had to stop and buy water to take my dramamine. I had not brought any to the airport because they just take it away ----but then I didn't take the medicine in time. We ended up being delayed on the runway as we waited for the other planes, and so by the time we headed up into the air--I was covered! Hooray! Because it is a rough and sickening flight when I haven't taken dramamine, it has worn off or if it has not taken effect yet.

Ok ok. That's boring. and maybe you haven't been to the blog lately! I am so boring, I know! How to think of something interesting!?!? Constant dilemma. You know, it is ALL interesting to me!

Did I mention I went to dinner at my professor's house? His post-doc came with his family. Wife and two children ages 8 and 2. Oh they were so cute and fun. and she had another on the way. Did I mention the cello? Professor's wife, who is a federal judge, plays the cello. Or is learning anyway. I told Mr and he said, "I WANT A CELLO!" in a loud whiney voice (I loved it!) Yes, I agreed. We NEED a cello. Really! They are too cool!
but they had football on and the TV going at one point. HORRORS! It is everywhere.

I'm pretty sure I wrote about that, so scroll through.

L came with her new man of 2+ months and they are very close. It looks long term to me. You never know. But L was so picky and wouldn't go out with anyone for 6 months after she lost B, so ......she would only consider the best. And she wrote out a list and told God she wouldn't date again unless he fit a list .....because the last one fit a list I had her create when I told her to be careful who she dates at this age because she may want to marry him! Better choose wisely!
She upped the standards after she lost B and this fellow fits the list.

K is still working at the store while he waits to hear about the big job. The big job was supposed to come NOW. So it is getting scary. The rec is supposed to open now and so we hope he gets a call soon.

I'm supposed to do my economics, but it is soooooo hard to look at. It is so nice here, everythign familiar. Hooray! and my family (even when they drive me crazy, they are so cute!) and so much yuckiness---dog peed on the couch and my bed. Cat peed on the bathroom rug. I got a new rug--but the couch? We washed the cushions and the covers. He is SO LUCKY WE LIKE ANIMALS BECAUSE I WANT TO SHOOT HIM, but I restrain myself, of course. and he is so cute. and my kids would hate me, but you know, sometimes we have these terrible impulses.
(forgive us!)

I miss my friends but it is too complicated to see them in such a brief time. But over the holdiays I have to come up with SOMETHING. My man is so so so NOT social. UHG. But he has many other good qualities.
It is so good to be here, so good. Man, I am thankful. Thank you God! I bless and praise YOU!

More of the Same

Today I had a library learning session. It was great. I was going to go to a church here with a participant in the study I'm helping with....but now I'm going to need to work on pulling articles for my Tuesday presentation (and 30 page paper) on myadvisor and the historical path of his research interests.

It's cold here. (more of the same)
It's about 34 degrees right now and the wind gusts to 24mph according to weather.com. I went to school today in some new Bare Traps boots. Brown suede ruched in the back with furry tops mid-calf and very flat sole with a nice rubber bottom. Comfy. They zipped up the back and had two little pom poms each dangling from a rope. I thought it was cute.
I wore regular jeans and a brown silk 3/4 sleeve v-neck sweater with my fushia down jacket (with removable sleeves so that it is a .........whatever that is called --vest isn't the word I was looking for). I wore gold/brown dangling earrings (but short dangle, nothing tacky, maybe just over an inch total), gold watch (from India), and two gold rings (one from Mr on my 19th birthday and the other trigold from my mom) well, and my wedding ring, of course. I had my fossil purse brown with designs---it is so cute! I got it at the outlet. And then my creme ann taylor cashmere scarf. I didn't wear gloves or hat because I didn't have any to match that nice scarf (I didn't know last Christmas that I would be here needing them!).

I say all that because L complimented me today. She said, "For someone who is new here, you sure do winter nice!" She loved my boots, coat, scarf---she taught me how to tie the scarf in the local way the other day. You fold it in half and hold the two new ends and then put the scarf behind your neck. You pull them both to the front of your face and you loop the two loose ends through the one loop and pull it tight up to your neck. I saw it on a manniquin but didn't know how to make it. I'd never seen it before in Texas. THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT ISN'T THERE!
I am low on fashion savvy and just try to keep up a little here and there. Scarves have not been my thing. It is usually too hot to wear them in Texas, although many people wore them anyway as fashion items-----but it is rarely really cold. Maybe about 14 to 21 days a year!

I found out I had econ homework. OH MAN. I was wondering how come he was being so nice as to give us a week off. I don't know HOW I'm going to complete the special paper for him. Geesh. I wanted to do a thoughtful analysis, but my cognition just will NOT ramp up! Well, actually.....did I mention that I noticed some thoughts occurring while I was reading last weekend???? Very hopeful, yes. Very hopeful.

Blessings to all! My love to everyone! I miss friends and family!

have i used this one yet?

okay, I don't even remember the last time I blogged.
I might be just barely starting to get adjusted---am I just getting used to misery? Not sure, but I think I am expecting less. That has come about through prayer. Not so many demands on myself. Trying to take one thing at a time. Trying to trust. Praying more.
and my prayers are more than the first "HELP!" ones, which were quite limited in scope.

Talked to prof about failing the test. He said...."You didn't get a zero!" Oh....so that was the point? (no, I didn't get a zero, but neither did I get an A, not even a B, and not even a C). He said to come see him next week, he'd go over test with me, help me learn what I don't know (oh great) and give me some extra problems to try again (yipee....not).

But I'm just being rather sarcastic (probably wrong use of word, oh well). I'm not feeling as dismal as I am saying. It is such a bad grade that well, I don't even know what to think about it except, "whoa".

My place is a MESS! But I cooked a dinner of little thin steak, small yellow potatoes, small french roll and a large portion of brocolli previously frozen (not so yummy). um...well....i tried to hit the spell check on brocoli, broccoli, broccolli, some one email me, ha ha.

Also, I took some books to my work office. and a plant and a gift from Debbie and one from Dora (and Juanita, if you read this, send me an email about how to reach you! Thanks!). I took a space heater up there and my lecture brain and some boxes and some snack bags of almonds and some water bottles. Trying to make it all cozy. I've got some collages that I want to take up there but they are in poster sized frames, very hard to carry....I'll have to wait until Mr gets here on Nov 30.

I called Allison for her birthday. She's doing great in Florida.

Sister has a new job.

Mom got sick, Mr got sick, K got sick, and I think S, too. I was home for the weekend last weekend but so far so good.

We choose classes this week for the winter session. My stats prof suggested that I wait until next year to take STATS 330-2 (session 2) because he commuted before and it is too hard on the brain until you are settled and the next class is VERY MUCH HARDER, he said. You can imagine how excited I am to take THAT class.
Next year, it is.
Then I learned about the Fields Methods class I want to take. .....3 hour observation sessions per week, which take about 6 plus hours to write up, then you have to write a report on them. Two different students said it's like a 20 hour a week class----and take it now because I'll never be this UNbusy again. (ME? UNBUSY????? NOT!)

And then for Child Development, it is the same prof who is teaching the proseminar.....One student said, "The reading load is unbelievable" and I said, "Oh, about like in Prosem?" and she said, "Equivalent to twice the prosem packet each week."
She suggested getting a study group because there is no way anyone can realistically even read it all, but every word has to be read by SOMEBODY, so you can assign someone to each week and they can make reports for the others to review.

and now that I'm not taking stats, I thought I'd take this biomarkers, health, and social somethings.........and I already know that would be a very heavy class.
It is unbelievable to me. Every class is like 3 undergraduate classes put together. It is an insane amount of material. And to think that they can require people to do this much work over and over and over each year! and people DO IT!

At least getting on the web cam has been nice. To see my sweetie. I miss him and I miss my children. I'm not usually one to miss my children, but now I am. I can't say I'm either bored or lonely....neither one of those describe the feelings.
More of awed and overwhelmed and wading through so much.
I think boredom might be nice about now. To think I have underrated boredom! Next time I am bored, I think I'll just sit there and FEEL it. I've forgotten exactly how it feels. I know I didn't like it, but I'd like to experience it for a while.

I feel like my to-do list is 10,500 items long and I get to about 2 each day.

Yet, with all this, I've been sunny and optimistic. I can't believe it, either.
but I did go to church yesterday. I went to an African American church downtown with a friend from my department. I had such a great time!!! and no one looked at me funny either. I was completely welcomed as if it was completely normal for me to be there, although there were only about 3 caucasians in a group of about 2000 African Americans.

Today I went to economics and ended up with a migraine coming. Afterwards I went to a Policy talk and then went home. Later I went back to school at 4 for another policy talk. Then D took me home and we dropped off C at the train station on the way.

This was probably an incredibly boring blog for anyone who waded through it, but THANKS! At least I feel like someone is listening out there. I love when any of you guys email me a comment or an encouragement (or a question). I need more pics on here, don't I?

I'd like to take a pic of the office as it morphs into a real place. One of the tech's put Endnote on my computer and another one is going to put SPSS on there.
but ya know, I STILL can't see staying here year after year. I cannot. I cannot.
But one day at a time. I can see being here tomorrow.

Love and Hugs! S

weather

47 degrees "feels like 41" here right now (10pm).
My indoor little weather thingy says it is 77.7 degrees with rain (there is no rain--it is clear). My air conditioner is blowing---crazy, eh?

At School Right Now

Can you believe it? I'm at school right now. I'm online with my laptop, totally cool.

So today I am working towards trying to stay. I've turned my office desk so that my back is to the window and I'm facing the room. Much better psychologically!

I've got my computer orientation correct. I was reading sideways! my cat stepped on it or something, but the tech here fixed it up. My little K has been sick and so he hasn't gotten to it.
He asked me to reboot at 4am, I got up and did it, but I guess he fell asleep.

I have so much work to do and the doctor didn't refill my blood pressure meds. How crazy is that? Do they want me to keel over? I'm going to leave here in a moment so I can call. I have such bad phone reception here that it only works about 30 seconds sometimes---if that.

I am trying to relax.
I took a bath last night.
but then I got blisters when I walked to school today! OUCH!

and my brain still doesn't work, but my advisor has some things planned that sound fun. A 10 year project gathering change and stability of 55 year olds and 65 year olds.

better call the doc.
blessings!
Stephanie

CT write me an email---and J, too, if you get a chance. Have fun in Seattle!

maybe i'll be a nurse

I always like to go on wild goose chases in my mind. It's exhausting sometimes for those who have to listen to me....but I liken myself to one of the Angry Beavers....Daggett. (not norbert the more stable one, but Daggett the adorable emotional one).
Daggett once had a show where he discussed his 10,000th life long dream of the day.

and of course, I immediately identified with Daggett and adopted him as my hero.

Teaching college would be what I've always wanted to do.....but as my whining on this blog attests....I'm not sure I can do this (without gaining 150 lbs and having a stroke.....or at the rate I am going.....240 pounds because 8 pounds every 2 months and there are 60 months in a five year phd program---so 30 x 8).

The NIH director came to speak at our school (or one of the NIH directors) and he had caboodles of degrees! I could tell the man loved academia.

Therefore, following in his footsteps, I could either (or both!) get a social worker associates and/or a nursing associates--whatever it is that our community college does. Then I would work with the populations I seek to help (pregnant women, teens, poor, sometimes someone who is all three). I want to teach parenting programs, get people to go to college, etc.

I like to entertain myself with options.
God isn't exactly saying anything, but the woman I interviewed yesterday had some VERY fantastic and explicit signs from God.
and I know I've had a few myself.
So I'm asking for one....it doesn't even have to be super stellar! Just clear to ME.

AND yes, Dad (and Steve) I will go talk to a counselor here. It's a good idea. I meant to do it today and I've just not gotten enough done. and here it is 2pm! and I haven't washed my hair. (jogged down to the health center to turn in those aformentioned immunizations with pony tail).

maybe I'll just go scrappy to the pharmacy. yeah, maybe so.

Peace out!

Nice Day Today

Today is a very pleasant 60 degrees. The sun is shining.
I'm surprised at how much sun there is here. I've got to go pick up my BP medication and I just don't feel like washing my hair! I overslept and miss the stats discussion. I never go anyway because there is the econ discussion at the same time....so I was looking forward to it.

but I came home late Monday night and got right up and went to school on Tuesday and it was just one thing after another! I didn't get home until 9:30pm. I did an interview at 6. We probably didn't actually start until 6:30 and were done about 8:45. We walked to the train station together and I walked home the rest of the way myself in the dark--yuk! I was going to take a taxi, but it costs money and I didn't want to spend it when we could go together.

I had a terrible headache after I got home. All the tension just let loose. I felt bone tired ---as my mother in law says (its a very good description of a certain kind of tiredness). So I slept in. I wanted to get my cortisol down. My doctor and my sister both said, "Cortisol" when I said I'd gained 8 pounds in 2 months. That is a TON!!! I gained 10 pounds in 6 months last year when I was tripping out about applying to grad school and taking beta blockers. Now I am tripping out here and on beta blockers again. Geesh.

It appears that school is bad for my health.

but it is so darn fun. We discuss fun and interesting things. I SO enjoy the novelty! and I love this little city, but I sure hate walking by myself outside.
I went to the clinic today to turn in my shot records. I had my old shot record from the WHO (thanks Dad!) which showed my measles immunization in sept 1966 (long time ago) and then I got a shot when I went back home---saved 40 something dollars because it costs 67 dollars here but I paid my 20 copay.

One story I keep telling everyone is that I can tell I'm overloaded because at 6am on Saturday, as I prepared to go to the airport to fly home, I was trying to add 125 plus 150 (I was thinking of the cost of the package they gave me to come here---25,000 a year for five years plus 30,000 per year for five years tuition remission). and I could not add 150 + 125 (275). I kept thinking.....375? wait...no.....250?.....wait......and as I brushed my teeth, I could not get my brain to work on that.

Clearly someone needs a break!

but I had a nice trip home. It was so good to see my little S. Mr was great, too, but he drove so fast on the way home from San Antonio (I couldn't get the flight into my own city) that I was getting super stressed. and I could not get him to get out of that mode! He gets so mad at other cars, he rides in their blind spots OR WORSE He will change lanes at a diagonal to someone's blindspot so that I panic that they don't know we are there and could move into us. He drove over 70mph and since I only drive about 30 around here---and don't really ever get faster than 55 even on the highways due to traffic......I felt like I was a zooming bullet racing through the atmosphere on a course to destruction!
Then I got home and my bedroom was freezing. The kind that gives me a headache and feels painful. and there was no milk, coke, or bottles of water, no allergy medicine......I was out of various supplies and my daughter S complained that she had been going without.
When I went to a restaurant, it was freezing inside.

So it is just the reverse of here. HERE it is hot inside and cold outside. HOME it is hot outside and cold inside. Made it seem that there is not much difference.

But OH how I loved all the familiar things. I knew where everything was. I could go here and there. I went to half price books and to academy to get magnifying ruler bookmarks and hunter hand warmers, respectively. I went to Pappadeaux's, China Buffet, and Chuy's YUM---not real good for the old BP or the obesity! I took my girls and my mom to the salon where I got a pedicure, girls got false nails and mom got her own manicure. We let the girls go on and mom and I chatted as our nails dried.

Now my computer is on some sideways orientation ---my laptop----(I'm working on the desktop so I can actually see what I'm writing without cocking my head to one side) and I'm hoping my K will have time to work on it. He's very sick with a bad cold and still working full time so I know he's tired.

My friend J will be going to Seattle soon and I know she'll have a blast! It will be great to escape the heat of our town because it was 85 today, Mr said. That is HOT! and she likes cool weather. She'd enjoy it here. Except how hot it is in buildings.

My sis has a new job and I hope that one works well for her. She says she was surprised that working 12 hour shifts was not hard on her legs! Wow! Must be God's grace. I can't imagine working on my feet for 12 hours.
I really wanted to be a nurse, but the 12 hour thing really puts me off. Now that I'm here doing crazy math stuff I hate, I think I'd do less well as a nurse. There's more math to do.

I'm off here. Please pray that I am able to do my stats. My mood just PITS when I begin working on that stuff. And my econ grade was HORRIBLE. Really bad. Not just distasteful.

(happy birthday Dad!)

TODAYS TEMP: 30 DEGREES FEELS LIKE 21!!!!

sunset at 4:43pm (yikes)----at 8pm it is supposed to be 28 degrees feels like 19.
Gee...not much difference between 8am and 8pm!

An average of feeling like 20 degrees. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

right now

Okay, weather.com says it is "31 degrees. Feels like 24".
Tomorrow? It will be a high of 38 and a low of 24. Bet it will FEEL LIKE 20!

I saw a bus shuttle sign near my apartments today and went over and looked.
It showed 3 different routes for my stop. A red one, a purple one---and a "Frostbite Express" for when it is 10 below.
Not below 10----but 10 below!

to top that off---I could not complete my stats. It was concepts I am familiar with, so I don't know why I couldn't do them. I'm going to get maybe a 50% on this one! I've already gotten 85% and even 75%! and this was the easier class.

I'm just going to quit! I'll make it through this year and quit!
I was thinking.....it would be nice if they would let me do research only and drop the classes. Since they are already paying me for a year--I could give them a little bang for the buck.

Everyone here will be so discouraged and hate me. and what if they won't bring on minorities? I was supposed to bring the colored women UP! and look how I've disgraced us.
I wanted to finish so that I could lead others here! and now I won't even make it!

I don't think I can handle the pressure. But I'll always be grateful to Mr for giving me the opportunity. Can you imagine if he had said no? I'd always be SURE that I could do it---worse, I might get so resentful that I left him (horrors) and came up here by myself thinking I was all that----but without his support----I'd have gone home that first month!

Except that common sense tells me not to jump ship yet, but I don't want to stay under this pressure. I don't want to always be doing poorly by comparison. I don't have the guts for it.

DON'T BUY STORE BRAND KITTY LITTER FROM JEWEL-OSCO!
Phew! or P-U!
I changed the kitty litter fresh, Lily went in to tinkle---and the rank stench! YIKES.
And I bought 14 pounds of it, to my regret.
I've been using Tidy Cat multiple cat clumping---which has done VERY well. Lily can use it for about five days!
I didn't realize it was so good.
(except that i've a long history with cat litter)

Well, I'll enjoy this year, anyway. Somehow.
and I'll try not to regret having tried.
It would be nice if I could get that social work job back in Texas.
It's working with mothers of babies under 36 months who are at risk for abandoning their babies or not having adaquate shelter.
I don't have experience with official casework. But I've already worked with this population.
I'll learn all I can here before I go and let my connections to these people inform me.

Sharks in the mind

The sharks are circling.
It is getting so tough to be here. The time change is drastic. Tomorrow there is a Psych colloquim--and I want to go. I'll have to call a taxi just to get home! 3/4 mile and it will be over 5 dollars. That STINKS.

I'm not doing too well. I drove around today and cried. It was pitiful. I can't believe it is me! And then again....I am such a whiner and always doing things that are fun even though they stress out my system---I'm a tender little princess now. So this hardship of life in the north is overwhelming my delicate constitution.

I got a B+ on my paper. Three of us got B+'s and the other students got A's. I was not an A. That was tough. Now if I was skinny, maybe I could handle that. The three that got the As are also skinny (come to think of it, nearly everyone is skinny here but me. We're talking good waist to hip ratio measurements on these ladies!). And I don't even have a walmart to go to ---for favorable social comparison. When I go to walmart, I feel so suave, so sleek, so with it. Many of the ladies there aren't concerned with brushing their hair, so I can pretend that I am someone beautiful and important. (and I am, aren't I?).
Then I go to school and whoops---I've obviously got an eating disorder and lack self control and do not exercise enough.

Not that it matters, but when I'm making low grades, dang--I need something to build me up. I don't have any one around me reminding me about God. and I feel so dumb.
Even now I should be doing my stats. But I've clearly got one answer wrong. I tried to compute it by hand. So then I went to SPSS and tried to find the binomial distribution syntax...but it was saying NO even when I chose one sample! I had a B(20, .8) distribution and I had to figure out what the probability of having 11. and then to have 11 or less. (which means P11 + P10 + P9 + P8 etc....but if I couldn't get P11 then I could hardly get all the others to add them up. So I just put P11 + P10...and wrote them all out---so he'd know I at least knew the concept.)

Whenever I'm home doing math, I cannot work alone. I get stuck on something and there is no one to give me feedback about the likelihood of a correct answer.

I took the midterm for econ. I don't think I've blogged since then. At least I'm alive. I didn't cut myself or binge.
(that's a bad joke, but I really said it to a friend. but no, don't worry, I don't cut myself and I don't binge. I NEVER binge.....I just slowly eat one cookie at a time about every 20 minutes and by the end of the 2nd day, there aren't any cookies left---uh-oh! actually, I don't eat cookies much here-----it is Graham crackers, yum! dunked in milk)

When I grow up, I'm going to be smart and thin.

and let's hope I have a strong value system since those are very empty values. (well....nothing wrong with smart----wish I was)

and I don't have the imposter syndrome. You know....that I'm not really successful even though I am/sort of thing.
No, I'm too genuine to be an imposter.
I just plain don't belong here! I'm not fooling anyone!

I'm like a hick here. I'm too emotional. Most of these people are very very social restrained. Very controlled in their self-presentation. They are careful of what they say. Not very REAL.
They aren't fake, though. I've seen plenty of THAT in the South. Mean people acting nice. yuk.

but they are genuine, just not so emotional as me. Every now and then a couple of them WILL be emotional---and that's nice. and I'm living life right in front of them. Like if we were on a cruise ship and stuck in close quarters. There is no place to hide all my fearful emotions.

but I work on keeping it down since I went nuts when I first got behind in economics.
at least when I took that test, I could actually set up the graphs on each problem. That was my goal. I should have believed for more, though. Yet I wasn't able to. I so dread my score!

To make things worse (or better, it can be both ya know)---I am going home on Saturday (see? better!) but I'll miss econ on Monday (see?...worse).

I asked one friend if she could consider video taping it for me. A voice recorder just won't bring out the nuance of those graphs and equations on the board!

Tomorrow I have to turn in the stats, so I better get back to it.
Keep sending the emails. They sure do brighten my day---or if they are traumatizing ones---give me diversions from my own pain. and gives me a chance to pray for someone else!
We're all in this life together!

Pray something....anything positive. It's really hard to believe I can make it here. It's dark and cold and strange and lonely and hard work and I'm inadaquate. What would make me want to stay when my hubby has a great job in a beautiful warm city? Perhaps I was being too ambitious. If he were here living with me, I know I could manage the negative feelings that come from not being able to do top work (like all A's!). But since he works for such a great company--I think he needs to stay where he is.