The sharks are circling.
It is getting so tough to be here. The time change is drastic. Tomorrow there is a Psych colloquim--and I want to go. I'll have to call a taxi just to get home! 3/4 mile and it will be over 5 dollars. That STINKS.
I'm not doing too well. I drove around today and cried. It was pitiful. I can't believe it is me! And then again....I am such a whiner and always doing things that are fun even though they stress out my system---I'm a tender little princess now. So this hardship of life in the north is overwhelming my delicate constitution.
I got a B+ on my paper. Three of us got B+'s and the other students got A's. I was not an A. That was tough. Now if I was skinny, maybe I could handle that. The three that got the As are also skinny (come to think of it, nearly everyone is skinny here but me. We're talking good waist to hip ratio measurements on these ladies!). And I don't even have a walmart to go to ---for favorable social comparison. When I go to walmart, I feel so suave, so sleek, so with it. Many of the ladies there aren't concerned with brushing their hair, so I can pretend that I am someone beautiful and important. (and I am, aren't I?).
Then I go to school and whoops---I've obviously got an eating disorder and lack self control and do not exercise enough.
Not that it matters, but when I'm making low grades, dang--I need something to build me up. I don't have any one around me reminding me about God. and I feel so dumb.
Even now I should be doing my stats. But I've clearly got one answer wrong. I tried to compute it by hand. So then I went to SPSS and tried to find the binomial distribution syntax...but it was saying NO even when I chose one sample! I had a B(20, .8) distribution and I had to figure out what the probability of having 11. and then to have 11 or less. (which means P11 + P10 + P9 + P8 etc....but if I couldn't get P11 then I could hardly get all the others to add them up. So I just put P11 + P10...and wrote them all out---so he'd know I at least knew the concept.)
Whenever I'm home doing math, I cannot work alone. I get stuck on something and there is no one to give me feedback about the likelihood of a correct answer.
I took the midterm for econ. I don't think I've blogged since then. At least I'm alive. I didn't cut myself or binge.
(that's a bad joke, but I really said it to a friend. but no, don't worry, I don't cut myself and I don't binge. I NEVER binge.....I just slowly eat one cookie at a time about every 20 minutes and by the end of the 2nd day, there aren't any cookies left---uh-oh! actually, I don't eat cookies much here-----it is Graham crackers, yum! dunked in milk)
When I grow up, I'm going to be smart and thin.
and let's hope I have a strong value system since those are very empty values. (well....nothing wrong with smart----wish I was)
and I don't have the imposter syndrome. You know....that I'm not really successful even though I am/sort of thing.
No, I'm too genuine to be an imposter.
I just plain don't belong here! I'm not fooling anyone!
I'm like a hick here. I'm too emotional. Most of these people are very very social restrained. Very controlled in their self-presentation. They are careful of what they say. Not very REAL.
They aren't fake, though. I've seen plenty of THAT in the South. Mean people acting nice. yuk.
but they are genuine, just not so emotional as me. Every now and then a couple of them WILL be emotional---and that's nice. and I'm living life right in front of them. Like if we were on a cruise ship and stuck in close quarters. There is no place to hide all my fearful emotions.
but I work on keeping it down since I went nuts when I first got behind in economics.
at least when I took that test, I could actually set up the graphs on each problem. That was my goal. I should have believed for more, though. Yet I wasn't able to. I so dread my score!
To make things worse (or better, it can be both ya know)---I am going home on Saturday (see? better!) but I'll miss econ on Monday (see?...worse).
I asked one friend if she could consider video taping it for me. A voice recorder just won't bring out the nuance of those graphs and equations on the board!
Tomorrow I have to turn in the stats, so I better get back to it.
Keep sending the emails. They sure do brighten my day---or if they are traumatizing ones---give me diversions from my own pain. and gives me a chance to pray for someone else!
We're all in this life together!
Pray something....anything positive. It's really hard to believe I can make it here. It's dark and cold and strange and lonely and hard work and I'm inadaquate. What would make me want to stay when my hubby has a great job in a beautiful warm city? Perhaps I was being too ambitious. If he were here living with me, I know I could manage the negative feelings that come from not being able to do top work (like all A's!). But since he works for such a great company--I think he needs to stay where he is.
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