Depressed again

Weird. I was feeling okay yesterday. Last night I could not sleep. Wanted to go home.

I only have this tiny bit of time left ....just this one week! But it is too much.....I so want to go home.

I keep trying to figure out ways to make it hard to leave. I've brought a bunch of stuff up to my office--so it would be difficult to unpack, etc.

and the McNair program is always haunting me. I want to succeed for all the McNair students. We count on each other succeeding. They've invested in me. I don't want to let them down.

I was so sure this was what I wanted---and I still KNOW it is what I want---just unsure if I should keep plugging on. What price is worth it? and is this the flu shot talking? Did the flu shot make my mood pit?

I keep hearing all these weird sounds, like the train is running by over and over. That cannot be. The train runs by at intervals. Maybe I am hearing the cars go by because the condition of the air makes the sound convey or amplify or something. Maybe I'm crazy (with hispanic accent, like on Happy Feet---CRAY see).

I don't want to give the presentation today or tomorrow. I actually don't want to do any of the things I need to do---but I am sure I will.
I wish I could just go home---that I didn't have a lease! The lease is very serious and expensive and I cannot afford to go home unless I can get out of it. So it is a sort of anchor here.

but with my blood pressure (which I'll take to be sure it is okay!) and with my weight and I'm such a baby......
well, I'll just keep going and hope this stops.

but I want to end after one year. If I can even make it that long! My advisor teaches a personality class in the spring session (which is 10 weeks in April, May, and June because we're on the quarter system). I don't want to miss that.

I know, I know. Everyone will be disappointed in me. But I am the one who must live my life and I must make the choices. Mr is worried I'll be all depressed---which is true since this is what I wanted to do ---and the only thing I've wanted more is to be a missionary in China--which hasn't gotten far. But I'm not dead yet, so there is still time.

and I'm more of a generalist than a specialist---but I was hoping the PhD would change that! It is such hard work and so much pressure and so many things they expect and I am ready to be done already.

but you know, I'll probably be aching to get back after Christmas (I hope so). Because I do love it here. I love the people and I love the talks all the time and I love the weather! and I love my little apartment. I haven't gotten enough chance to explore here.

and I don't know why God won't just keep writing in the sky daily for me. Cloud speak would be nice. I suppose I should spend more time in prayer so I could actually hear Him. I know He is speaking and I know He'll get through to me one way or the other.
So in faith, I'll put one foot in front of the other and be faithful to do my work.

Not sleeping well sure does not help one's mental outlook! I need some sleep!