Student Loan Consolidation

After sitting on hold for many minutes, I went ahead and hung up. Seems that the whole world has logged on and phoned in with a national effort to consolidate student loans before the interest rates increase. I have already contacted my bank but I delayed in filling out my paper work---I hope I am still making the date because I applied for this in May.
But the paperwork is overwhelming. So much to write in! and so I wanted a little human help to get over the detail phobia that is just now slamming into my frail little self like a tsunami. There are seven checkboxes of things I need to do or have. There are lists to fill out for all my other outstanding loans. The amount is so high as to seem crippling. It is rather pricey to graduate from college in America right now. And to think I've got these three children to put through as well.

On a side note, Mr. has got a sister that once mocked us for not rushing to buy a car when our oldest reached 16 stating that she would buy HER child a car. That time is coming up in December. Likely she'll find a way to fund a car, but she'll be surprised at the effort it expends. Insurance and any fender benders increase the costs. And then college may come as a rude surprise as well. It is daunting. I suppose I saved my parents quite a pretty penny. I think my sister is the only one who got any of her college paid for by parents. We've helped our oldest with some college expenses, only to realize that he'll need to be responsible for some costs so as to rightly discern the importance of achievement as opposed to slacking---which exacts terrible costs. We've helped our middle child-daughter with all of her college expenses only to see much of them go to waste due to the mourning process. We'll see if the summer community college dollars were well spent. She's getting increasingly fatigued even though she is not participating in social activities with her friends. She spends most of her off time with us or just resting at home. She's struggled to get up early daily and she's got this paper to write where she must find 30 symbols ("The Yellow Wallpaper") and she's only got about 15 or 20. I started to go through it with her, but when I expounded on certain passages, she was frustrated with me, "I know, Mom, I know the story!" and so I was no longer interested in participating. I wasn't going to go through and do her work for her, I wanted to have an interesting intellectual discussion about the symbolism. Oh well. She'll get it done, I'm sure.
We'll start on her fall/spring loans this weekend---dread dread dread. But it must be done and I am thankful my husband will come do that with her so I do not have to. I may need him to help me get myself situated for the north. I signed our lease today and will mail it. I got a notification from the university that I must set up billing and such with some cryptic instructions. I think I will need to go jog for 20 minutes to right my brain electricity so that I can focus. But off with loans and financial and back to children, where I veered off a bit (as usual).

The youngest still has to read two literature books. One is Sidhartha, which I started and found rather unengaging myself, but the other is her choice from a wide range of books. I think I need to get Joy Luck Club back from the Pilands so that she can read it. I don't know if she'll like it, but I sure did. I read Passage to India and enjoyed that. I came across Emma the other day and considered reading that one again since I never got into it far enough to give it a chance. I started reading Miss Dalloway or something like that---I think that would be a fun book, but I discarded it as well. I am going through my books to get rid of as many as possible, but I can't seem to winnow out enough so that I only keep two tall bookcases full. I'm trying to limit myself to that so that the amount does not become unmanageable. I can put some in storage that aren't books I actually read, but more of a memorabilia type book. I have an old book of my fathers, Robin Hood, I have some books from my mothers father and my husbands father. I have some books of my children's. I will have to get my youngest to sit in the living room and read for an hour or so each day so she can get that accomplished. and she has to go up to the high school to pay some fines if she wants to get her schedule in august. I always wondered how the parents knew which days those schedules would come out. This year, I only had one child to deal with in regards to High School, so I was reading through all the information they sent me and I made note of dates, etc, and there it was! The date to pick up schedules! I realized that they send this every year, but it has so much information that I go into overload and can not process all of it. It wears me out.
How am I going to make it up there? Sometimes I see such glaring inadaquacies! Yet, I am still able to accomplish so much even in the midst of errors. In my whole of my classes, I only forgot to turn in two papers ever. Not too bad. So I manage to keep up with all those details somehow. And I used to pay the bills and was never late on any one of them ever. (for the years we were first here, like the first 8 or something, but he has done them for the last three, I think)

Well, I need to write a letter to a friend. I've been putting it off, but I think it is something I need to do.

Help Me Jesus

I know I hoped this blog would be intellectual. What's the chance of that, though? In fact, we humans are quite mundane and boring. Yet, at times we are able to both act or think in higher ways. Praise the Lord!
I am working on my garage sale and my legs have begun to turn to rubber from the traversing the stairs. I have loads of books, which I've put in stacks. Fortunately, at times I sit down and go through something. At first I was frustrated that I would choose such a thing, but I am really glad now that my legs are sort of quake-ing (quaking didn't look right).
I have parenting books, travel books, school books, children's books (elementary and junior high type), communication/sociology/psychology books, christian books (most of the ones I have I am keeping though), and just dozens of assorted weirdness books. Like the prom supply book L got her hands on somewhere--very interesting though. And I bought a picture book of Marilyn Monroe at half price books when I was studying her--there is also an old 70s photo study of twins. Pretty cool, but not worth keeping. I also bought some 70s style body language books--well, maybe early 80s. They are a hoot to look at.
I really REALLY have enjoyed studying body language and facial expressions. People have no idea how much they convey, particularly when they are trying to conceal. My children cannot STAND that I am very good at that. They get away with stuff I never think to ask about though. But when I AM asking them, I ask them out of the blue when I can see them from head to toe and it is EXTREMELY difficult for the amateur to stay composed when they are trying to deceive. I am just pleased they are not very good at it. It's rough because then I have to deal with what I've just figured out. But many times they are relaxed and do not even know I was checking for anything and they go on to tell me the truth. When they try to cover, though, it is so easy to detect. For one thing, the person is startled. When there is nothing to cover up, they won't be. If you can only see someone's face, you will miss the hand or foot action, or slight body jerks, because most people can can fake their face, even children increase their skills after age five and by 11 or 12 can fool someone (those aren't the exact right statistical ages, so no one quote me on that---and I don't feel like looking it up because I cannot remember my source!---but I have children who aren't very good at deception and sadly, they do try at times).

One thing about created lies, too, is they are more linear with the gaps filled in, whereas the truth is usually told by backtracking and being unsure exactly because the individual was not attending to details at the time you ask for a run down of events or something. But all my children try to look me straight in the eye. In fact, S has me messed up sort of because she tries to open up her eyes so I can look into them because she's trying to show she's authentic when in fact, that is a lying technique--trying to be open in the eyes. So I try to get her to stop that because she has done it when I knew that I knew she was telling the truth on some thing that didn't matter anyway, but she's throwing me off. But she is the WORST liar in the world, I think. She doesn't ever plan ahead when she's going to do something she shouldn't (and that's a good thing!) and she doesn't ever have cover stories, or they are so outlandish and stupid that no one would believe them and her face drops because she is worried she is on the spot and in trouble and she dreads what is coming. I always find that so helpful when I am giving her the 3rd degree
(see, Dad? I often think of you whenever I use a cliche because you told me about that lady that always used cliches---and ever since you told me that I often ponder the circumstance of cliche use and sometimes the cliche itself---Like "3rd Degree"--was that from police interrogation?)

Oh Pooh! I need to get more stuff from the upstairs and it is so hard. And I cannot put it out in the garage yet because I don't have stuff out there to put it on. And I am not having the sale for three weeks so I do not want all that dust on them. AND what if someone decided to steal something. I often have my garage open. Oh well, back to work.

This is the Day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it

The Bible says, "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it" and so I tell myself to be glad, because life is good. Yet the mood is a struggle. It is not yet 10am and my two girls are having a hard time.
The oldest has to get her SAT scores to the community college by 12 noon or she won't get any credit for classes. It is a foolish administrative error. She was trying to take calculus and then had to take a placement test which said she had to take a prerequisite course BEFORE she took that one. She decided not to take that one. It popped up that she had to register for that by a certain date or she is OUT. So, with that flag perhaps somehow someone is saying she hasn't taken her SAT either, but she is a student at Baylor, of COURSE she took her SAT. And you cannot get official SAT records in a day. So she is going up to talk to them, I pray the Lord sends her with His Favor!

The youngest is going to get her senior portraits. I talked to her about it last night. She was not listening. She didn't even remember any of it this morning. She got up late and she doesn't have any extra clothing outfits she wants to take her photo in. She didn't know where it was, although I told her it was by our old church, so she'd need to leave about 9am to get there at 10am, I was thinking of traffic in the morning----but it might be okay. She left at 9:40. She was in a bad mood and didn't want to listen to me. I asked her to register for the IPOD drawing that she is elgible for since I made her a studio appt. She says, "I don't want an IPOD!" and I said, "But I DO!" but I bet she'll want one for Christmas! She uses L's which won't be here when she goes back to school.

So I sent her off with money, keys, directions, instructions. She had shorts on and tennis shoes. Whatever! I told her make another appt because she gets a another sitting and I want her hair more fluffy instead of the straightened way she likes it most. She can bring more clothes then. She does not plan ahead.
I have to remind myself that I did not either when I was her age.

I went to the golf range last night and practiced my swing. Oh it was funny. I actually did get a few good ones, but I probably hit 50 balls and got about 10 that were good. Bad stats! I had tremendous difficulty getting the ball into the air. Mr and K were great. They sliced it off a lot but they would WIZ through the air, go so high and so far, wow! Mine when to the first and second flag ONLY. Many of them went about 20 feet in front or at angles from me! I have to correct myself from holding the club like a bat. It is a VERY different motion. We are all baseball players. I love baseball/softball, but golf is not the same at all. But it is so similar that the brain wants to use those skills. I could hit the ball really good even as a shrimp of a kid on Casa Loma Ct. Smallest kid, but one of the better hitters! That was fun. I'm not too good at this, though. I remind myself, I am just a beginner.

Another one of my friends may not be able to go to my party, boo hoo! That makes two. Another friend, a newer friend, found out about it accidently, and I mentioned that it was for friends who had been with me through college. She may get to go after all! I have a minimum of ten and so I may need to invite one more. It would be great to have her. I have several friends I considered inviting, but when I spread the net wide, it encompasses too many! And the cost is high. I have ordered some gifts for the women, so I cannot indiscriminately add people. It was a tough decision.

I'm working on a garage sale. Again, it is 10am and I am not ready for the day. I spent some wasted time looking for fake designer purses. I want some of them but cannot stand the cost! Over 300 dollars for purses!! Some purses are even more. Seems ridiculous. It is not as if you can live in your purse or drive it. It just carries stuff. But they are so pretty! I like coach, chanel, and a couple of marc jacobs, juicy, or kate spade. I like some prada, gucci, and fendi,but I do not like them just for the name. I like the name when it is paired with a great purse.
I bought a low price fossil purse from the outlet (brown leather big giant hobo) and one of their names that is not known, Relic. It is CUTE! It's a casual canvas purse. I really like it.

But back to the garage sale. J's children are helping me. I have to get them to come over. I have the weights out of the garage. We need to put a table in there and some clothes racks (I have three things you do laundry on, one for here, one for me north, one for L at college). I have some pricing stickers and tons of books and clothes. I have to put a notice in the paper and get out some signs. I'm just doing it friday from 8 to 11am. I hate to be bothered! But I will see if it works at all. Then I will likely do another one before I leave, after I've learned a few things. Oh man, I have to get cash!

I found a Chinese tea room, Formosa Tea Room and it is in Pflugerville. Cool. Hope to go there. I had such a headache the other day and Mr made me some green tea and I felt better. I realized that some of it is that the house is so cold that I am chilled and the cold air blows on my head, so it is time for sweatshirts and hats and I checked the AC and turned the temperature up! It was at 73---too cold for me.

That's all for now. But I am never finished.

Hi DAD!!!

Not much time to write because I was out all day.
Sick yesterday----my house is too cold!
For me anyway...
....had a great time with Christian sister all afternoon
headache went away in the warmth of the day
so it must not be allergies because I was out

Not so hot with all the clouds, hooray

My Dad lost my blog but he's got it now
Hey Dad!
Miss you!

Wish I could have visited for Father's Day!

Love

I had a good week. I've done a lot but then NOT done a lot! :-)
I've had time to enjoy my family and friends. I've got the ball rolling on the party and I'm so happy about it.

I've quit weight watchers. I obviously have problems with impulse control! Managing the minute really got me down on myself and I am not sure how I'll change that exactly, except that the principles are so good---I know I want to incorporate the principles of 5 fruits and veges and 6 waters a day (which reminds me!).
Smaller portions of meat and less refined. foods. I have to stay off of the salty foods. I didn't do so good for a day or two and my fingers were swollen because my rings were tight whereas they had been slipping all around.

I'm taking my first golf lesson tonight and I'm so excited! We watched a Golf for Dummies video and have the book and we've gotten some clubs. I am using kids clubs, which is hilarious, but I am so short. If we get to really playing often, then I will look into getting fitted for the right set, which supposedly is extremely important, but I have to like walking around the green first. I think the experience of walking around needs to be fun whether or not I am able to hit the ball well. But I am taking lessons to get that part down right before we embark on our adventure.

I went to start some testing for K to see if he has ADD. I do not think he does and we will see. He's got a great IQ. Supposedly it has to be over 130 to be gifted and talented. I think mine is 130 according to my ACT and GRE. I'd like to know how I tested when I was 7 years old in California. They had a fantastic gifted program that was fun fun fun. School was fairly boring but the gifted school we went to was a blast. Very many happy memories of learning there. It was very exploratory, very progressive.

Anyway, I do not think K has ADD, but he thinks his problems are like his sisters. Now that we've got her diagnosed, I am thinking "WHOA!" ....why didn't we figure this out before. Mostly because I figured I was so fidgety and she is so fidgety and I do not have ADD and she doesn't either. But I might have SOMETHING....just not that.

This new place, www.peakinstitute.com , measures your brains electricty. But IT IS SO EXPENSIVE!! I'm going to see if insurance will cover ANYTHING because the test alone is 1700, but dang, I wish we could give it to each member of our family. For another 5000 or something, they can train your brain---or you retrain it and retain that ability. They say it can add 19-25 points to your IQ----WOW! Super fun! But, oh well, not a good time! We are trying to send L to college and me to college and me and L both have apartments and I need another car. I'm probably going to get another car for up there, so that Mr drives mine and S drives the Sequoia---which I will share with her when I come home---or with Mr. Either way, there will be car sharing whenever I am home, which I hope is very frequent!

Learning cool stuff about the brain today was fun! She had a big brain model, much bigger than mine. She had a luxurious office, seriously. Great furniture, I was wanting to make mental notes about it, but had too much going on. Filling out all those family history surveys. Trying to remember all the way back when K was a baby. When did he crawl? Walk? talk? full sentences?
run? throw a ball? ride a tricycle? I can remember some of that, but it sure was a long time ago. And I was such a kid myself! But he was such a very fun and sweet baby, extremely good and enjoyable. I sure did not think mothering was hard. Then along came L---just a barrel of laughs! Ha ha! Poor little baby, though, she was born early so she was a bit fussy. She talked at ....shoot, I've forgotten! I know she walked at 11 1/2 mos, and s walked at 10 1/2 mos. My neighbors son, across the street then, he walked at 9 1/2 mos and beat S, but I can't remember when L's first word was, something like 9 months, and it was "pretty". Shoot, K & S were doing good to say mama. L said mama really early and dada and baba. She was saying "fushia" when she was 3 or 4 and "comfortable". We have her on tape practicing that with her daddy, getting him to help her say "comfortable" and she's holding his face and staring intently trying to learn to pronounce it like him. SO CUTE!

So I don't think I have ADD, but my friend thinks I do---especially the way I change the subject and stuff and fly all around on topics. He he, sure do!
But I don't think it is ADD, but something else. If I could brain map, maybe we'd figure it out. Because I bet I could sit and take that ADD test where you click when you see a flashing light and I know I could ace that. I am patient when I am being tested. I have very good testing skills. I calm right down and focus. That can hardly be ADD. And I also read very well and have excellent reading comprehension.

Like K, I used to have the worst time if I was not stimulated by the material. I would drone off. and he does too. I don't think that is ADD.

Oh man, just thinking about this makes me tired, ha ha ha ....so I will lay down and take a nap. Man, this is the good life! Not too boring, since I know I have loads of work ahead (and I am eager to have the fun of learning new stuff). But not stressful. The children are not too bad and I am so enjoying Mr while I get to see him and touch him right here by me==---makes me appreciate him SO MUCH!! Dang, I will miss him. I cannot imagine. (so I won't think of it now because I am home and can be here).

tired tired tired......zzzzzzz

See entry below THIS entry---they go together :-)

Taking this with me too! I'll take out the center leaf. It is still very large. It extrends like crazy.
I have another leaf besides the one in it and the base pieces are large themselves.
But my home here will be so drab and the place there so fancy! WOW!
and I can't imagine that many people will see it. It is not like I have people over to my house much. But maybe I will since I will be by myself much of the time.
Hopefully, it will not look overdone for such a small place!!!!

Furniture

Okay, so we've decided that I will take this giant exec desk! Now I was just about to take a 37 dollar Office Depot folding table like the one I stuck in my bedroom to write my Capstone paper last summer. It was so great to be able to spread all the books out all over in front of me as I was working---with reference books, my publication manual, and various books I was citing all open and accessible.
Since I am already taking the armoire and the file cabinet (which is that night stand looking piece in that left corner to the right of the bookshelves), there will not be an office now, so there is no point in leaving the desk.

The desk will take up too much room in that little apartment, but we don't want to sell it yet, so I might as well take it. That way, if we downsize, as we plan to do when I get out of school, then we can see what we want to keep and what we don't. I am also taking the formal table, but leaving two chairs and two leaves here---so we'll still have it for the future, but since we aren't using it here much, it will go to good use.

That way we free up two full rooms in the big house. With K, L, and S home and my mom (G) moving in, Mr (my hubby) will be able to bring the weights inside. I cannot remember how we plan to use the other room.

Upstairs, we have five bedrooms, two full baths and a landing area. We have the office in the landing right now. We had a separate TV room in what was Nana's room, but now it is storage for L's stuff to go to Baylor again and my stuff to go north. K has his stuff just sitting in the landing and L also has stuff in the guest room--where my mom will sleep. Then she can also use Nana's room as a sewing and TV room. We have a couch in there that I want to sell, but she may want it to lay and watch TV.

All that is boring and is just me thinking outloud.

On a different note, I found some silk peonies at Hallmark! They were marked half off! I bought a big bunch of them and it still only cost 30! They are adorable and I put them in a cheap vase I bought at Dillards for 19. It is white (of course, only white or clear will do most times) and it is shaped sort of like a standing fish. It is as if the potter scraped out little pieces of the clay along the front and back so that it even resembles scales. The shape does not look like a real fish at all, but more like the christian fish that is now a car decoration, except without the tail fin and it is standing on the tail with the two ends of the oval (top and bottom) sliced off for a base and an opening.

I love it!

I have three other tall vases with white flowers. Two are clear. One has about 25 roses in it and is about three feet tall, like a clear hurricane glass or goblet. One is clear glass, round cylindar and tall with about five calylilies. One is a tall white cylinder with only three white ......hydrangeas?.....with a bunch of tall grasses with it. I love these! I don't know which I'll keep here and which I'll take with me.

Vacation is interesting.

I think mine started on Sunday, although I was recovering from writing stress. So on Monday, my life of liesure began.
I've seen a couple of friends numerous times already. I had J come on Monday with her 7 kids and swim. We had a great time!
Tuesday I went with J and D to Bath and Body Works to pick a gift for D2. We decided on a gift card with a little rubber duck ($2) and wrapped it up with tissue and curly ribbons. We also went looking at Marshalls and I bought some white towels that were gorgeous.
Wednesday, we ate a Olive Garden then went over to BBW to pick out her gift. We had fun perusing everything again. The Starbucks. Then I stayed out in blistering heat talking with D.
Later, I went to church with D and D2 was there with much of her family as well. D2 has 9 kids, D has 7 and J has 7. I have the minimalist 3.

Today, D and J are coming with their children. D's children are older so she'll only bring the younger ones. .....maybe 3 or 4----possibly even 2. But J brings them all, all her children are friends with me. I've invited D2 to come, but she has to pick up one child at 5 and the time is 3 to 5.

So I bought cookies and Kool Aid, I have grapes and strawberries. I'll fix them up for this afternoon and bring out all the beach towels.

We are going to celebrate J's birthday soon. On Tuesday the 28th we will go to Salado (I'm driving) and we'll have lunch at a little tea place. I have to think of a good gift for her. She probably would want a gift card and not fancy wrapping.

OH weight watchers is not going well for me. But today I will try to remember to DRINK MY WATERS. In this heat, I cannot believe I have been forgetting them! And I go chug some milk instead (yum).

I made some chicken in the pot with taco seasoning and it goes in tortillas nicely with fat free sour cream, a little shreded cheese and loads of lettuce and tomoatoes, YUM AGAIN! and I'm drinking a lot of unsweet tea. I wanted to get off the caffeine, but I am TOO SLUGGISH.

My BP was 115/81 yesterday, man, that is low low low for me! I was up to 160! But the lower number still needs to go lower. My normal BP was always 135/70. I imagine if I lost weight that bottom number could go down a bit more. So I don't have to take any BP meds, hooray! but I have to keep track of it because it might go up unexpectedly or something.

So the low salt is easier to stick to than low sugar! I cannot get off the sugar. Since I added the sugar back, no headaches.

Okay, enough rambling! But see? I'm just sitting here in my leisure and can do what I want.

Of course, I am waiting to hear what my prof says about that paper! She was comparing my new paper to her original paper comments.
WELL! Good thing I did NOT go with my plan of just rewriting it period! But several times she suggested (about three) that I recalculate some stats and I can't do it because I don't have the stat software.
OH MAN, it just occurred to me that I DO have it on a usb stick and I could go up to the school computers, which have it, and open it up on there, and it will be usable. I can suggest that if she comes back with strong emphasis on the recalculations. But I doubt it. Like one was just where she wanted me to see if an outlier was the cause of the high number, as I suggested. I could take out that one piece of info and rerun it and compare the new results. I may do that.

oh oh oh I said enough rambling, so I'll stop here (except to add that Laura just took an exam with an old ACC prof of mine and she came home and said, "Oh my gosh, you were right about that test!" ...............ahhh the wisdom of experience!)

paper due today

It's about 3pm and my paper is due around 5pm or 6pm. I am not sure which one, and it is not important since this is a paper that has already been graded, the final class grade has been awarded and I have graduated college entirely! Yet, for a learning experience, I agreed to rewrite a paper that was not concise enough. I've had two professors who excoriate..........ok, maybe not the right word since that means:

1. To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade. See Synonyms at chafe.
2. To censure strongly; denounce: an editorial that excoriated the administration for its inaction.

According to dictionary.com, I checked.
So something more like.....they both pour over your writing and make extensive comments---wait, I had another professor like that, my government professor who is now a dean---and anything that remotely means something else, is vague, or leads in the wrong direction is noted. Any gap in logic is noted....you know, they like a really well written paper.
and I do learn so much from them,
but when I read graduate psychology magazine or the graduate newsletter and I see some of those writers, I think...........my BLOG has better english, is more concise, makes more sense, and is more interesting than a few of them. How do they get published?

But it is true. I've read some other people's papers before, because I ask for them. And sometimes you can see what a prof means. It is SO NICE to read a good paper where the logic flows unbroken from one end to the other. It is awkward when you come up short on a sentence, WHAT?

Oh, but I will go on and on just to avoid my paper. Breaks are good, but they cannot be too long.
I am nearly done and expect success. (besides, it is already an A!)

DIFFICULT MOOD!!!!

Today is not so good! Started the day eating cookies. (L lectured me when I got home. "Mom! Do you know how bad for you those are? Mom! You used all your points! Mom! You cannot use food for comfort!"..........."L! I know! Leave me alone!") But I DID want to eat them. I personally do not regret it. But others are not going to be pleased since I am tracking my food for the world. (they were quite good).

Today I have to write my paper. It is due tomorrow. I have already gotten my grade. An "A" which should have been a B, except that I took it graciously and offered to rewrite my paper for the experience, which led her to bump me over. BUT NOW IS THE FOLLOW THROUGH. Gee, I wish I had not GOTTEN any credit for offering to re-write, because then I could just say, "Oh, forget it. I am not up to that now." but no. I have to write. It's a matter of integrity. God help me! I have to fashion a literature review out of my head today! I am not up to this.

I've had such a nice time NOT doing things. And anyway, I should not be surprised by the nasty mood, it is typical of me when writing. Often.
and besides. I always eat horrendously when I write. For comfort. For consolation, for energy, for brain power, for encouragement. All of this. (which is why I am fat).

Well, do something ELSE, Stephanie! The chanting goes. Find other ways to relax. I can do that. But how can I find other ways to endure? How can I find other ways to .....whatever this is..........?

I went to a 10 am appt with MB on the other side of town. 27 miles away I tell ya. He was not there. I reached into my purse for my cell. It was not there. I was on the 10th floor of a tall building way on the other side of town, in a hall by myself outside of a locked door standing there. Where did I leave my phone? How can I call him? Maybe he is just late? Maybe he is still sick? Maybe he forgot? How to know?

So I just said, Okay, forget it. I'll leave a post-it note and be done with it. I am going shopping. (supposed to write my paper) so I went to Dillards, obstensively to look at bedding (anyone reading this noticed I used the word obstensively?? ha ha big word, I'm so smart, JK) However, the towels, furniture and yes, clothing caught my eye. So I bought some clothes. I also finally find the darn bedding I will get, but I couldn't be sure until I went to a different target to see if they had the Fieldcrest Luxury Jaquard scroll bedding so I could see it in real life instead of just web. So after Dillards I went to target and they did have it out, so I went home and compared the Dillards Nobility Dupioni Silk comforter set with the Fieldcrest online now that I've seen them both. I bought the bolster pillow to the fieldcrest set, I think it will still go with the taupe Nobility set. Now I have to get my mom to find me another sheet set like the marvelous one she gave me for Christmas. I have SEARCHED AND SEARCHED for a set like that----Nell once gave us a set from an elderly lady that she kept for who was very wealthy. They were very unattractively colored, a wierd aqua blue with a large floral oval on them, but they were the finest sheets I'd ever encountered. I figured at the time it was merely because I was not well acquainted with sheets, but no. They have been ridiculously hard to find. Mom found some somewhere! I need another set now!

So I am home with my pillows from Target and I will take Mr with me to buy the bedding stuff so he can help me carry it out. (he's terrifically handy like that! Love you honey!----he's actually been reading my blog! Big points for that!).

S has gone to speak with a manager at a tanning place. Parents of her good friend know him and he will hire her. Let's hope she does not check "criminal" again!

K is working hard with 9 hour days noon to nine (dinner break around 5). He is training Geek Squad at Best Buy. He is eating regular fast food and not exercising--he is stressed. He was supposed to read a chapter of history a day, instead he went and bought a new book of Enders Game. It IS a good book, but he'll be behind in school. After studying hours and hours for days and days, he went and took a four chapter test and made a 73----and I had been saying he was overstudying! So I don't know how that happened, but he is not studying smart. I don't know how to help him. He is too big to listen to me. He thinks he knows what is best for himself and we just have to trust that.

L is doing good, got up at 7:30 to run on the treadmill for 20 minutes before school! and then went to school on time. She works tonight so she's going to take a nap. OH, it is 2pm and I must write. I must write. I must write.

Mr is off his fast and on to eating healthy with us.
Lord hear our prayer.

Peonies

My, how beautiful Peonies are! I seem to have just discovered them! I am usually a staunch rose fan. Although many varieties of flowers can capture my attention. I tried for a few years to get away from the flowers, too simple, too country, to girly. But I've found that flowers delight and inspire. Their beauty and fragrance is so uplifting and tranquil at the same time. I enjoy them.
My love purchased me some blush pink roses just the other day. I clipped their stems this morning to keep them blooming and freshened their water. I saw some Peonies at Whole Foods, right after I noticed them in a party book and checked to see what the flower type was. I realized that I had not given this beautiful elegant flower enough notice. I resolved to enjoy more peonies.
Even though they were on sale for a good price at Whole Foods, I could hardly justify a purchase when I just became interested. I am not very impulsive when it comes to purchases. I do not buy items on the spot. This minimizes my travel purchases more than I prefer, but I just will not buy something the first time I think of it. I have to mull it over and be sure it is something I want.
So I am glad that I know where I can get Peonies when I am ready. I have not noticed them before. They were not at the Whole Foods down on 6th street and Lamar and they are never at the regular HEB where I shop.

I read about this couple who decided not to buy anything but necessities for a year. Although the husband considered the wine a necessity (He is Italian), his wife did not. But they agreed that Q-tips were frivolous. They found it hard to go without Q-tips. They didn't buy clothes nor go to the movies and they didn't pay for taxis, she rode the train late one night in a bad part of town--waited for it in the rain and cried. I found the whole thing quite interesting. Of course, she did this to write a book. Something about a critique on consumer lifestyle, I don't quite remember. But I did think that even I would find that quite hard. I would find it unimaginable right now, but in my former more modest life, I guess it would have been just as offensive, because for heaven's sake, sometimes buying something might be the smallest of reward for going without! Having a good vacuum or a cordless phone.....you have to buy those things. That couple can do such a thing because they are well provided for already.

But the reason I think of them is that she said, she stopped buying fresh flowers weekly. Fresh Flowers Weekly! Oh what a life! I dream of such an indulgence and in fact, I could choose to do this, but it IS a luxury. I don't even buy flowers for parties, although I am not even giving parties anymore since the husband finds visitors an occasion for psychological pressure to clean and impress---just gets the better of him and I find it quite difficult to deal with. He says I CAN have parties, but his disapproval is too strong when I bring it up. And he does not like children to come. This is a sore spot with me. Our house has degenerated significantly since it was brand new. Pets and Teens are very rough on walls and rugs and upholstery. So what are children going to ruin? I never wanted to live in a house that did not welcome children. I'm the one that let them jump on furniture!

But now we have swords and armour about. I suppose someone could really be injured. And the stairs pose a problem for little ones who must be observed. And the tile floor is very hard so toddlers must be followed as well. But I don't have fragile knick-knacks around, so I welcome the children to come unto me! :-)

and I love peonies.

Wednesday

My youngest was filing out her first application for a job to Old Navy. She hit "yes" on have you ever been convicted and it booted her out. We tried numerous ways to get back to that and change it, to no avail. Now they are taking the character test, and so I let Laura sit by her and tell her what to say. Just better that way. Good gracious. Why would they want to hire a criminal?
It's going to boot her application out and no one will ever see it! I wish we had PEOPLE working the employment area!
One question.....if you got something free out of the vending machine, would you put money in the machine? I said say no. Who would do that? I'm very honest about that kind of thing, but putting money in the machine would just make ANOTHER item come out free. That doesn't matter. Clearly someone already paid for it. Take your candy and thank the Lord and eat it or give it away.

We got our apartment! It is a B-5 on the third floor in the D building. Just what I prayed for. Out of 200+ apartments, there were only 6 that fit this catagory, and I got one of those! Hurray! Hooray! BOTH OF THOSE YEAH!
So now I know that I CAN fit a 5 ft long table into my bedroom and keep my office in there. So I can get a small table for the dining to take up less room. I'm taking my couch and chairs from here. I was going to take a maroon chair only. I ordered the upholstry for it when we moved in this house, but I don't like it anymore. Now I want to use my favorite taupe chairs and the ottoman that goes with them. I can study in those, so it will work. I'm taking Mr.'s computer armoire (he doesn't even use it now) and his double file (we use that but he offered it). I'm taking my guest bed, queen.
It blows my mind how much stuff a person needs! Of course, I went without most of this stuff when I was young.
Let's see. We did buy a table (from a rent to own! horrors!), Nell bought us a used couch. I was thankful for anything to sit on. Nell also bought us a used mattress. How gross when you think of it. And we used it for over 10 years!
I used my childhood bedroom furniture and got some stuff out of our storage. I had our old chairs and a bookshelf with cabinet doors on the bottom. We got this old table somewhere, which I used as K's changing table. I borrowed a crib. I bought a diaper pail.
We did not have much.

Now I have this house full of furniture, but it is all aging. Having teens does not help. I am honestly the only one in my family who is careful with food. I used to avoid eating out of the kitchen and wouldn't let anyone bring food. Mr is so bad about it, I cannot even reprimand my teenagers anymore. I've given up and they know it and it is so frustrating! So yeah, when I go in the TV room and S is sitting there with a whole pizza and a knife and fork---I send her back into the kitchen. When they've got open cups with drinks in them, I send them back in. When you go in there, you find cups and plates---I just hate it!

But of course, my own room is messy. Not with food, but the floor needs a vacuum. There are just things everywhere. I picked up some yesterday. Considering how little I have to do right now, I would think I could keep it clean. It doesn't bode well for the north apartment! But that will be easy to clean, but probably cluttered as well. I like to leave things out so I won't forget them and will attend them. AND when I go looking for shoes or a purse or something, I'll just leave them out when I switch.

ahhh. The house is quiet! L and S just left to get L an oil change. The place is far away, so I have some time. Should I nap or look at my paper? Hmmmnn.

Dentist today---oh joy

Okay, I want to be thankful that I can get my teeth worked on. I hate the dentist. I am extremo pain freak and can't stand choking on my spit when they lay my head way back and want my mouth open for 30 minutes!
Today I had to get floss cavities filled. The space between my two front teeth and the space between a front tooth and one on my right both needed a little touch up. And really, I have been flossing the front of my teeth (at least more than the back) but the hygenist said, "If you are only going to do one..." (meaning floss or brush), "...then floss." and I always think of the one....."Only floss the teeth you want to keep." So I have worried so much about other things, the flossing doesn't happen much, but all it takes is one filling and I am back in the saddle. More flossing coming right up!
My youngest also had to get some teeth worked on. Our last dentist was too rough and so when she complained that her tooth was not properly filled as it was now way way sensitive to air and such---I just decided to take her back to our old dentist with me. His smooth talking voice and cowards service are great. Even though I get the gas, I have to get it low, otherwise I enter through a portal to some other land and it kind of freaks me out. But today I didn't take my allergy meds so my heart wouldn't beat off the scale, yet my nose was so stuffy that I couldn't breathe through my nose to get the gas in. Besides, I hold my breath and tense my shoulders up to my ears. I keep telling myself RELAX RIGHT NOW DANG GUM IT! but I only listen for a moment.
I did have my son's RIO which is an MP3 player he gave me and I had it up loud as I could to drown out the sensations. I still felt the first shot prick OUCH it was sharp! He is usually the best at that. AND then the girl didn't suction out my slober, which is always in overdrive naturally. One of my dentists once said (when I was pregnant with S), "Gosh, I shouldn't even ask this, but do you go to the bathroom all the time?" because he was so shocked at how much my mouth watered. The assistant was like, "Oh my .....I can't believe you ask that!" and he was all sheepish...."I know, but MAN, look at how much her mouth waters!" They gave me drying mouth pills after that.

and this dentist has given them to me also, if it is a back tooth. He wanted to work on a back tooth, but I said leave it. He always wants to add a little work here or there, one of the reasons I changed---that and he stopped offering the corporate rate to Mr.'s company. I changed dentists but cannot find one comparable. And every visit is such a nightmare for me, well, I guess I'll just pay more for out of network care. That's just the world we live in. You have to pay for anything extra you want. I guess that is fair.

Now I am going to take L to the place to see her preserved flower, the one B gave her on Valentine's Day. It will likely be a sad moment for her, I hate that. She's doing so good. It is not a constant daily topic now, more like every other day or less. This should start some up, but that is part of the healing process. He was such a neat young man. I wish he were here.

Okay, my blog is not certain to post, my connection is suffering. Time to ride off.... Talley ho

Outside swimming

Okay, so K was at work, but me and Mr were out in the sun! I laid out to get some sun on my legs and shoulders. ANOTHER SOMETHING I HAVEN'T DONE FOR DECADES! Maybe I am getting younger this summer? ha ha

We went swimming and it was such a lovely day. It only seemed to be in the 80s because it wasn't deadly heat. Turns out it was 93 or 4. But I enjoyed it. As you can see in the photo, at certain times of days, the sun shades the pool, so we could move in and out of the sun as we pleased.

We've got some neighbors who are behind us and their house is up the slope, so their back porch looks right into our yard! They screened in their porch, which faces east, so they end up enjoying it all the time. So we never want to go into our backyard cause they are there. Oh well. It's just that I grew up with no one in my backyard, it was a freeway and then it was so overgrown, then it was a dirt road, and when I lived with Dawn it was undeveloped land. Our Brookpark house backed to a storage place and a little trail to the grocery store, so no backyard neighbors and when we first moved here, our backyard neighbors never opened their blinds, so it was private enough. Now I have outdoor loving people and we peek to see if they are there. We have tree cover grown up in most places, but wouldn't you know, right at the corner there is a big tree and it kills everything that grows under it, so no pear tree there.

Tonight I am going to Georgetown. More about that soon.

Just after three or four days of controlling for sodium, my blood pressure was SO LOW!!! Maybe the machine malfunctioned, or maybe I really am relaxing! Ha ha!
I couldn't believe it. and I was taking my decongestant, so it wasn't that (claritin D).

I made lower calorie lasagna, I made two. One with all the stuff and really light on the other one. Light sauce, light cheese, low fat ricotta barely there, just a little motzarella and a little bit of hamburger. It's like large flavored pasta noodles. I had tiny bit of oatmeal for breakfast. No weight loss, but that takes forever.

Dreaming in real life

I'd really like to live in this apartment. Today I'll call and see if a second floor apartment will be available on August 15.

Since I am not pressed for time, I am remembering my dreams each morning. That's always fun. I can remember them when I am busy, except that I forget them soon after getting up because I start thinking about the day. This morning I had a dream about purses (among a thousand other things). I had all these purses on the wall. I looked at them, they were new. But they were Kmart type purses. So they weren't quality or fashionable. One was a cute seafoam green and looked like it was woven, but when I touched it, it was plastic. The purses still had their packing in them. I had several of the same kind --only one seafoam green, but bunches of this other woven look that was fairly plain, not in an exact style I would prefer, but very common. I knew that I had won an opportunity to choose items from a catalog for free---yet it was just a catalog of Kmart purses instead of say, Crate and Barrel or House Beautiful magazine.

In another dream segment, I was dealing with children. One was like K. About 7 years old. I was moving around this play kitchen furniture. Nice expensive heavy weight play kitchen items like the kind a school would have. They were wood sinks, refridgerators, etc.

Better than yesterday when I dreamt I was a muslim or hindu daughter whose fat ugly big rich uncle came and I had to be all sweet and I offered to make him coffee, like a good daughter (who has no value and so must be of service to others to win favor) but I did not like doing it, even though I was sweet as honey and humble. I threw open the cabinets looking for items to put together a coffee maker and was having trouble and getting frustrated trying to bring together everything needed (including cup and saucer, sweetener, spoon, coffee grounds, etc) to make that cup of coffee.

I took S down to SoCo and we had fun looking at Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, a costume shop with the most outrageous items EXTREMELY thorough. You can rent very elaborate costumes there. Anything you can think of....holland girls, zebras, tons of sunglasses, tons of costume jewelry, tons of masks, tons of accessories--swords, wands, hats, wigs, everything. They had gumby, shark, medieval, mexican, dorothy, egyptian, maids, nurses, cheerleaders, heavy metal rockers, punk, belly dancers, shoot---those are all regular ones, I wish I could think of what they have. It is 10 thousand times more elaborate than party city halloween and better than Salvation Army Halloween. It doesn't lean toward the ghoul, although that is available. They have serious costumes that cost hundreds of dollars. You can rent or buy and order.

We were looking for S's senior year spirit outfits. They have several Blue and Gold days where students come in those colors. Hair, face, clothing paint, everything goes. Last year for the final Homecoming Day ---which is far out the wildest----They made gold lame (lah-may) short dresses, shrugs, and blue leggings (under armor). So this year, they need to think in advance because they are the seniors. S has won for clothing several times over the last three years, so she wants to go all out.

So we found some cute panther masks for 4 dollars, but she likes these carnival type masks, elaborate fancy (slightly) classy ones, makes me think of Amadeus. They are $20. So I don't know if all 10-20 girls are going to be able to afford everything. Most things need to be affordable, although everyone will go all out on the Homecoming day--price probably doesn't matter. S has designed some of the best stuff and outshined previous seniors (kind of a no-no, but so fun for underclassmen). Her friend and her mom tends to do all the sewing (as if I could do any of it! No way! So glad SOMEONE is skilled around here!), so they want an early start so that they can pull it off without things falling apart across the day.

There were also some elaborate headpieces that I can't think of how to describle. Like something those topless ladies on floats in Rio would wear, but not quite that big. There were some underwear covered with bangles that they might wear over leotards. Once she suggested the guys go as pimps and the girls go as hos (pronouced hoze, plural of ho, short for whore, Horrors!), so I suggested angels. I mean, if you can go as a ho, can't you go as an angel? They could wear blue and have yellow or gold wings? Or wear gold and have blue wings?

There were some good gold sunglasses, they wore those last year. She liked the Holland idea, except that the clogs were unbearable. Last years seniors wore construction hats, so that is out.

Anyway, it was fun. and then we were handed a tract that says God loves you. Inside, it said, please don't resent us for handing you this (something). We love you and care for your soul. It was kinda quaint, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I still think it would mean more if you were feeding poor people or providing some service to others for free, then when you hand them something to read, it might seem relevant to them. As for this, it was First Thursday on SoCo (South Congress Avenue) and there are street vendors and random awkward musicians with the hat out---a gospel message just seems to be one more odd part of the soup. But I am glad they are out there anyway. When they go home at night, they feel they've served God, but how many people come to know the God of the Universe through this method? I pray they were effective in reaching someone and I do not doubt their veracity. (wait.....I can't remember what veracity means.... I think it works here).

Today I'll make a Lasagne (and probably fight with L when she asks for money --she just got paid, hopefully that will pacify her temporarily). I am trying to eat less, definitely. I can't focus on exercise when I am trying hard not to eat. It is odd that I am so limited in focus! If I am doing one thing, I don't feel like I can do the other. Because I want to go workout at the gym, I bought a membership for the next couple of months. But that seems hard when I am trying to work on eating less and drinking bottles of water over and over. I wonder how many I drank yesterday? Maybe 6?

I ended up eating out with Xiaohua after I got my teeth cleaned yesterday because I had planned that with her last month. So she took me to Origami and I had the shrimp and vegetable tempura. OH YEAH! Great food....mmmm. I didn't have any coke yesterday. I'm stopping that completely. Only lemon or lime water or a bottle of ozarka. I had no breakfast (explanation coming), and I didn't really eat any dinner. I had some Ovaltine. The tempura really held me.

Yesterday morning, I had to take Mr to work (K's car in shop, he's using ours) and then get home and get ready, then drive downtown to get my teeth cleaned. So I never had time to eat, although I planned on eating oatmeal (which I made this morning with no salt). When L asked S where I was, S said, "she's getting her teeth whitened" so L was mad! She called me up. "What? You are getting your teeth whitened?!" Because she wants hers done and I won't pay for it (she only brushes her teeth once a day as it is). I told her, "No I am NOT. But even if I WAS, that does NOT mean that YOU automatically get what I get!" She drives me crazy. She thinks she is entitled to MORE than her parents.

Later...another issue.....since Mr has decided to give his body a two week detox (following the viewing of Super Size Me) and fast, I knew I was going to have to feed three children daily. I have since planned some meals (grilled chicken and lasagne are two). I am wanting to seriously reduce my sodium and eat tiny healthy meals---but Mr doesn't want to eat at all. So when S asked me for some Sonic, I said, Okay, later (meaning for lunch time).

So then L was out of gas, her checking account completely empty, but she needed to get gas. I told her to go straight home, so she didn't run out on her way to deposit the check. She wanted to use her debit although her account was empty, I said, NO you do not take chances like that (her hoping the deposit clears before the debit). So I went home and gave her my card. I told her to pick up Sonic on the way back. She says she can't go to Sonic cause the girls there hate her---one of her ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriends worked there last year and "was talking crap" about her (as she says) and her friends are all still there. So I said, okay, S can go when you get back. I let L fill her tank with my debit and write me a check for the amount.

On her way back from the bank, she calls. Can she please just get Burger King cause she's right here? I say No. Maybe I should have explained that I have fourteen days of trying to think of food for them ---maybe food I won't be eating ---but if I start letting her negotiate, OH MY GOSH, what torture she puts me through. They are always trying to barter for the money I would spend on them (If you were going to buy me Outback steak when we went out tonight together, can you just give me the $20 and let me go out with my friends?---I hate that!). So I tell her NO, you can have Sonic. she fights for a while, so I say, fine, buy your own burger king. She hangs up on me saying something like "parental favorites to the nth degree!" now that is not what she said, I cannot remember it.

Then later when she was home and S stepped out to the backyard, L said, "I don't see why you are giving the grounded child everything she wants when I have done everything you asked and I don't get anything!" I said, "L, you get what you want" or something like that. She said, "Oh right, I got my hair done and I went to the DOCTOR!" and throws her hands out as if that was similar to saying.....I got the crumbs that fell on the floor and you call it something!

However, that hair cost about 120 dollars! And she'd act like that is nothing! And the reason she spent 20 dollars on a copay to go to the doctor is because she wanted to find out about getting her sinuses enlarged so that she can see how much extra it would cost to get a nose job!!!!! Which we have said we aren't paying for! And then Mr. tells her, well, go talk to the doctor and see.

I say to him, Why tell her to go to the doctor?! He says, she was bugging me about it? I say, How about just saying NO! He looks dumbfounded.

So that is spending 140 on her, but she's going to throw a fit when I spend 5 on her sister? Oh excuse us mortals for living.

Oh brother! I have something with her EVERYDAY! I hope that since she got paid, she'll settle down. But we were a gossiping family yesterday ....K talked to me, S talked to me, Mr talked to me---we all talked about L. Mr tried to get tough with her and then she left the house. I thought he meant stormed off, I said, why did you allow that? and he says, I didn't know she left. So that means she left afterwards, but she is supposed to tell us where she goes.

When she came home at night, she had an allergic reaction creeping up her back and her throat didn't feel good. We gave her benedryl and forgot all about the day's events. She acted like nothing happened. We were just glad when the reaction went down. I got her up this morning for school at 8am and she acted like nothing--I didn't remember all the issues until now.

She is a very high maintenance child.

puffy face

Okay, this picture tells me my face is so puffy! Did I write yesterday that I learned that Ibuprofen makes you retain water? AHG! I take it so much it is crazy. I haven't taken any yesterday or today.

I looked at the nutrisystem diet, which is 289 dollars and they give you all the food you eat for 28 days. The thing that interests me is that they deal with the glycemic index of the foods. I am sort of pre-diabetic and I know I mess myself up with my food choices. When I live on my own, I will be able to control access somewhat, but it always comes down to personal choices.

Today when I flipped the calendar over to June, it was nearly blank! I haven't seen that in decades! I was amazed. How nice if it REALLY meant I didn't have anything I had to do! But I have millions of things, yet I can likely get them all done without extra obligations! How nice!

I'm going to email my friends and tell them, I'm ready to do something! Anything, whenever you want.....except maybe it would be better if it didn't involve food.

I have met with friends for lunch for ages because it is usually a good time for me that I have available. Now I can be more versatile, briefly. What a change! And I usually need a couple weeks in advance because my calendar is so full. Some friends hate that because they want to be spontaneous. I am not usually able to be spontaneous like that, except with Mr and the kids. But MR (SR) is less spontaneous than I am, and I have to drag him anywhere, so we usually stick to some plans. Of course, we always go out on Saturday nights together and switch to thurs or fri if saturday is something else (like vball, which is over, hurray!)

anyway, I looked at these menu options and I would do better to make little meals myself. so I will try that for a couple of days. See if I can even do it. If I can go for 30 days, maybe I could lose at least 5 pounds! That would help!

I really want to have a habit of waking in the morning and starting some calesthenics. Remember the guy who exercised on TV, Jack ....Lane? Elaine? Allaine?.....he just did regular stuff like military people.
I think that pushups and situps are great exercises (although I cannot do a situp). and leg lifts and weights are great. You don't need fancy equipment. It is like doing pilates or yoga or something if you add some stretches.

So I've got a routine worked out, but I've only done it once when I was in Brazil. So I meant to start today (and yesterday) but GOSH how I avoid exercising.
Today there is a workout class. A bench class. I usually like those. So I hope to go at 6. But I do not really want to go. I think it is weird that I kind of just want to stay home. HOW BORING!!
Yes, my worst nightmares. I am boring.

L wants to lose weight too. She's not overweight or anything, but she tends to get heavy easily and wants to stay at the small size she is now. So we'll try eating less, but S is too skinny from her ADD meds. She is off them now because she doesn't go to school or anything (she's grounded from staying out all night while we were in Brazil), so she can try to eat more. But I think without working out, she tends to be smaller, which is so crazy. We would have expected that she would fill out because we are a chubby family, but no, she LOST weight when she quit doing daily vball workouts! And got skinny! Then the meds didn't help. She doesn't want to eat, it grosses her out.

K is losing and doing good. The last few days he's eaten a lot, but he's been moving furniture and stuff. Surely he's worked up an apetite. I hope he'll be running again in the PM so that I can go too. I hate it, but it is good for me. His weight loss motivates me a bit. He's really lost a lot.

I'm thinking if I can cut out the salt and lose some weight, then maybe my BP won't be so bad and I won't have to take the beta blockers, which slow my metabolism.

and my friend and Dad recommend wieght watchers, but I just can't seem to motivate myself to go that route. I don't know why it is so distasteful to me.

and I never ever like to diet, so this will be rough. I wish I had some spiritual mission in mind, but I don't. I can do more things when I do them for God, but when I read about people on diets and eating for Jesus, well......you gotta laugh at that!

okay, no more procrastination. I'm going to exercise. really

The Blue Skies of Brazil!

Oh Brazil was great! I suppose I've enjoyed everyplace I've ever gone, though, so how to measure it? Well, the weather was fantastic. It was cool, but in no way cold. Wearing a jacket meant that you were perfectly comfortable. One day I went grocery shopping with Gabriela and Claudia and we took our coats off because it was so warm and opened the car windows.

The greenery was fabulous, I so love plants and trees. Thinking about how barren it is in the Northern U.S. winters makes me shudder.

The people were so friendly and that was everywhere, not just those who knew us and it wasn't just service people. The books said the people of Brazil were friendly and I agree. Everyone was patient when you don't speak the language and help you out as best they can. Most things end up right. You have to take some chances when you order food, though. And since you can't drink the water, you end up drinking so much less water than normal that you feel parched. Plus, I was taking ibuprofen round the clock for a headache that really went loud on Tuesday and I was bedridden (only one day, so what! I consider it a rest day). The yellow fever immunization side effect is flu feelings 7 to 10 days later. You can never tell with me, though, as I get mysteriously ill feeling periodically. Kind of generic yuk and fatigued. I think it is just being so high strung that occasionally my body says NO! LAY DOWN!
But then it might be that I am just lazy and can't do all the work I really need and want to do (or don't want to do ---if it means housework).

And the food there was great. Lots of Steak and Pizza, as I mentioned in my kodak gallery. And we got gifts! That's always fun. I got gifts in China and India, too. We are not too gift giving here in America, but we'll give some gifts when they come up here to work.
Which reminds me that Eliza, Elisa? someone is here now. I need to take her out or something. One of the workers said she was in U.S. for four weeks and was only taken out two times. Then when she left, they gave her a little going away party at work and gave her a gift book of sites to see in Texas (OUCH! how embarrassing!). Well, I told her if she gets to come back before I head north, then I will be sure and take her around a few places!!!

The architecture was neat! So many different styles. So many colors. And pets everywhere. In the nicer district there are fancy puppies on leashes, in the lesser areas there are dogs, cats, and horses loose.

We didn't see much of the poor at all. There were cart pullers who pick up trash and that is about it. There were a few beggars, but NOTHING like in Austin. I just saw a couple, one a child.
There was every convenience available, we did not go without. Our hotel was luxurious and we were pampered.

I think it would be better to rent a car and drive, though, because I had no idea where we were geographically at any time. I prefer to map out the roads and find things and know where I am. It leads me to a more defined feeling of knowing about a place. So that is on the books for next time. AND I will faithfully take my camera everywhere I go and carry it in a big purse. I didn't take my good camera because the guide book said it would be stolen---but I'll take the risk next time and bring my computer and cord so that I download each day. One of my worst travel moments was getting my camera case stolen in London with three or four rolls of film and all the pictures from Ireland. I didn't care about the camera---that is replaceable, but I lost those photos forever.

Back to the grindstone and to my children. Responsibility....does it ever end? Do I want it to? I am so lazy, I do not even want to exercise to save my own life. But I felt physically miserable on the trip and could not figure out how to feel better. Still, it was great fun and I love new places. More soon.....

I'm leaving on a jet plane. I do know when I will be back---next Sunday. I already told a friend I'd see her at church--guess I'll send a quick email.

I am so not looking forward to the 12 hour flight. I've got loads of dramamine and I'll be fine. I have to fly into Dallas today, which I hate. The flight there is all up then down, no break, no cruising. I suppose the flight from Sao Paulo to Porto Allegro will be the same, UHG!

On a cheerier note, Mr's former boss told him he might be giving him the China project back. Oh man, how exciting! but I will be up North and likely NOT able to travel ----oh oh oh whine whine whine.

I have until June 10 to finish a paper (re-write) then I am really really done with undergrad. I have until Sept 19 to read the McAdams Personality Text, then I really really start my PhD program. Until then, I am not really thinking of it. If I let myself think of it, I will begin planning and the pressure will begin. I usually like to be ahead and on top of things......probably it is better to wait to do that. I was so upset when my adviser said something like enjoy my summer before I become an academic or something. I was miffed. Hmph! I WANT to work on this stuff. I LOVE it! I would PAY for the priviledge (oh I'll be paying alright).

Yet, now I see the wisdom. I'll be able to look back on this hectic time period as a break. And I'll miss it and long for it. Maybe roll on the floor, whine, and cry......think I'm going to fail.....do something stellar instead (I can insert optimism in my forebodings of doom).

Praying for Cindy's neck. She's been suffering for three weeks and is getting that crazy animal feeling when pain just won't stop. Very hard on the psyche. I am praying healing and comfort and peace, in the name of Jesus (I'm praying more diligently than THAT however).......and she's got a job offer in the city we met. Go Cindy! Money is really nice. People who say really negative things about money either don't have any or have quite a lot. I've done both and I like having it much more. Rather necessary in this society!

I was able to buy some makeup before going. We bought a new carry-on. K's BestBuy discount is Awesome! L is working at Circuit City and sold a plasma TV last night. Biggest sale of the day---she's so good at that. She says she knows how to conform her speech to the type of people that she talks to.....She has a friend starting at Best Buy and she says she doesn't think she can adjust to different people and if you go at them all with just your own style, you cannot sell much (she didn't actually SAY that, she inferred it in the long conversation that I'm not about to write forever).

OK, I think I'm trying to pretend I won't have to be in the air today. Small price to pay to see the world. Glad we have good drugs in the world or I would never go up. As it is, I take my meds, breathe deeply, grip the handrests, press my feet into the foot thing in front of me, READ PURPOSEFULLY, and ignore the horrible physical sensations that tell me something horrible is happening and it must stop now. I try to imagine God rocking me in his hand (If the darn pilot cannot keep the wings steady)---crazy visual but it helps keep my mind busy with the sensations. I don't suppose I'd ever make a good pilot. And I cannot imagine flying by my instruments and ignoring my perceptions! I'm glad someone can do it.

And if I should die in a plane crash ever (hardly likely!) then remember this......Oh yeah, I was terrified when it was dropping or whatever (amongst my worst nightmares---anything falling). I would be calling out to Jesus (just like Dad said religious people do) and I might think how odd after what happened to Brandon (also motion sick and scared of heights and falling---fell to his death---his nightmare). BUT after reflecting on Brandon, I realize that it would be over (hopefully I would die, not get mangled and live for several more years like that) and it is just a miniscule portion of my life.

The main thing to remember is that I died GOING SOMEWHERE FUN!!!! Most important! If I die from electricution while washing dishes, OH LORD JESUS, mourn for me.....mourn and mourn that the death is so so so mundane and related to CHORES.

I choose dying in sleep or some sudden explosion where you don't know anything. Or gunshot or head cut off. Slow death by disease cannot be too great! BUT you do get to say goodbye to people, something Laura and I now value. Sudden accidents are hard to process. And to think this happens to so many people every single day (just read the national and local section of your newspaper!).

Plenty dead from a typhoon (In vietnam, I think). Their family members are beside themselves in grief. They wonder if they suffered, they wonder if they made it to the afterlife of their belief. And this is a tough one for me. I don't believe "everyone gets to go" and so I will have no comfort, only worry for the experiences of some. But one day I will cross over and find for myself what lies there. I will be welcomed into the arms of Jesus by His Own merit and I will understand more of why things are how they are. I will know so much and I long for the knowing.

and if the unbelievers are right, then I will know nothing---and nothing is gained or lost. But I know we continue, I believe we will be aware, and I believe Jesus came to tell us so that we'd trust Him and when He came back to life, He proved He was more than all the others before or after. And He lives now in His body and He is outside of time, while I suffer minutes, hours, and days, always looking forward and bored in the moment (but thrilled by possibilities).

And so I doubt I'll be seeing Jesus this week. No, I'll come home tired and have to face the mundane of daily work---kids fighting, dirty house, unpacking, writing papers, trying to exercise and eating instead (but less night eating thanks to Tums!)

Off to Brazil.....

Headed to Brazil

Oh man, I ain't lookin' forward to the 12 hour flight from dallas to sao paulo.

BUT it will be great to meet a bunch of friendly, gregarious people (and I cannot help but be happy about being the bosses wife).

I've about packed. I put several songs on K's Rio, an MP3 player. It is full now and there aren't really that many. Time for an IPOD already and I've only had this for a couple of days.

Found out my tetanus shot is still good for another year! Woo Hoo! I hate that shot---ouch. The yellow fever one was fine. Quick and as painless as a shot can be with no soreness later. But we might get sick next week. I won't know if its the shot or just me. (seems like I already wrote this.....was it on the blog or in someone's email?)

I have been so bad about email to my friends! I'm praying for Cindy's neck.

Two baby showers this weekend and I can't go to them. My friend Juanita read the study. She didn't like the part where I said something about learning disabilities with one of her children. I had to put them under the microscope, but they were great. They did a great job and it was so fun. I loved writing up the paper---for once! I sweat through them, but it was easier than most. My professor said I did a stellar job (I'm sure I've written that on here already) and she is the one who is so hard to please. The other one (easier to please) said I did excellent work, as usual. That feels SO GOOD!

And I have been getting a lot of respect for my PhD story. Several people know about it now and will ask me, with oohs and ahhs. (I love the part about PAYING me to go there!). People start out asking me, "Masters?" and I say, "PhD." (always very casually, like it is nothing) and their eyes light up as they take that in. Gee, no wonder people get addicted to power or prestige or something. I admit I LIKE that sort of thing.

But the fact remains that I LOVE what I am going to be doing and I am so excited. Another fun thing is that when people find out that I am doing psychology, they want to tell me their whole life or their whole philosophy (like the Elizabeth Arden make-up counter woman today). And I just want to tell them MY story! And then I remember....."Oh yeah, I LIKE to hear about other people's lives.....that's why I do this." So I sit and smile and affirm them and they love it.

OH, Mr. is rubbing the ole shoulder, hooray

Frustration!

Hardly the right picture, but I like it.


I called up North to start proceedings on a certain apartment. It was called a B-2, which refers to a certain floorplan only 635 sq ft. It was already rented over the weekend! I thought she was holding it for me for a couple of days. I was going to take it even though I had to sign a lease for July 15, two months before I need it---because I want to be CERTAIN that I have a place to live and that I am on the 2nd floor or above (scaredy of 1st floor--windows open to the outside--yikes! Without my children to protect, this lion becomes a mouse).

So---Now I am thinking that I will consider going up to B-5. When I look at the floor plan, there are some B-5s that face the southern warm sun and have pedestrian traffic that runs straight through the front office. (or you can come in underneath through the heated garage). That is what I hope to get. However, I will have to see what comes up! I am shooting for an August 15 move-in because there are so many in line for the Sept 1st move in already.

The B-1 is too small, the B-3 is just right. I am okay with the price of the B-3, but going higher freaks me a bit.

I know all this will work out, but trying to work my way through the decisions is tough. I am not used to having to JUMP when I make a decision. I am okay with ambiguity, but I like to wait on big decisions.

We'll see......

going to pilates.....

Pondering, meandering, and life events

We watched Alice in Wonderland last night. Little S was doing a computer project where she had to make a menu with a theme and she chose Alice. So I had K go rent a video and we watched it, GREAT FUN! Cute flowers singing...we had that on a video that my babies watched--Fun With Music.

Gotta love that Queen. "All ways are MY ways!"
I love her powerful expression, her command of the situation, her determination to drive the existance of all she surveys. (not that we should emulate her, mind you). Little S will undoubtly get an A. She excels at creative expression. All her friends get her to make signs for games, a big part of sports around here.

Yesterday was 3 months since Brandon died.

We went to a new church yesterday, Celebration (kind of an odd name for a church), and we all really enjoyed it. It is lighter fare than Grace, but that is more likely to keep little S interested. I want to find somewhere that S and S can enjoy on their own. I'm encouraging good habits. Regular church attendance keeps our hearts reminded of what is important as the mind on its own tends to think only of itself and its own comforts.

After church, we ate sack lunches I had prepared (PBJ, etc) on the way to the Ballet. Romeo and Juliet. Thinking of the romance, I had forgotten the strong death element and was stricken when I realized what that could do to L. The over drama of the death of Ty..whatever his name was (at the hand of Romeo after Tybalt, Tybult? killed his friend) as the Mother grieved, helped them mock the situation instead of connect it to Brandon emotionally. I had trouble enjoying some scenes because of the potential impact on L, but she endured well and S kept her spirits up.
L has a job at Circuit City today starting at noon and she is excited. She'll be making 9.50; she's in the TV department. She knows digital cameras, not TVs, but she'll learn quickly. She is a definite sales person.

I'm reading Lord Jim (by Conrad Joseph, I think) and A Room of Her Own by Virginia Woolf. S has to read some literature for AP English next year, one of them being Sidhartha. I'll read that with her, too, but I went to half-price books and purchased several literature choices for less than 20 dollars. I hope to read them myself. I also got Farewell to Arms, Something about passage to India?, I've forgotten them now....Mrs. Dalloway......

...Reading V. Woolf is interesting. Her sing song way of turning a sentence agrees with my own manner of thinking, yet I'm finding it difficult to read those long sentences continually. So I have to ask myself why I don't enjoy the sudden parenthetical statement that veers ones thoughts towards another direction, since that is what I do to those who read any communication of mine.

Obviously, when one is writing, it should not be for the self. Pascal said as much in some quotes I read of his. You have to write for your audience. And yet I have not quite grown into the discipline. But even today I intend to re-write my empirical paper and hope to have my audience clearly in mind. I will attempt to develop this part of my writing!

And in another direction---I finished A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHURS COURT on Saturday morning before we headed up to the Scarsborough Faire, a renaissance (sp?) festival.

It directed me to conversation with Mr, who is such a capitalist! He would gladly rule and think himself benevolent, even as he blamed the lower classes for their plight, while he might do nothing for them. We went to Ruth Chris Steakhouse where I had one of the freshest most perfectly cooked meals I have enjoyed in some time---all for a pretty penny, of course. But the conversation was delightful and Mr. managed not to take offense at my proddings. Especially when I reminded him that his education was funded by a Pell Grant. So there--he did NOT pull himself up by his bootstraps, somebody FUNDED him because he had promise and he would not be where he is today without that assistance. Assistance that is barely available today.
Mark Twain helped me weave an argument and when Mr has read the book as well, we shall have a fine time savoring the ideas.

The book was such an easy read and quite fun, I was sad when it ended. I was thinking I had no time for fiction, but I read the book so quickly, that I've just forgotten how fun a good fiction can be. They are hard to find these days because I suppose I am too proud to read popular novels, thinking them for airheads and trying to avoid too much likeness between myself and anything airheadish, since we all know I am easily taken for such! :-)
I'm a rather SCHOLARLY airhead, if one at all.

And back to the bookstore---I could not find Les Miserables or the Amy Tan book (forget the name just now, one of my FAVORITES)----THE JOY LUCK CLUB!

I read that years ago, and thoroughly immersed myself in it. Later, I was required to watch the film version for a class. That movie has one of the lines that impacted me greatly! When one of the daughters does not take the fellowship she's been offered (only now do I realize she had to apply!---but at the time I did not know that)--because she is going to do whatever her husband wants. That was before I tried for the PhD, but that movie came RIGHT before that event and effectively imprinted in my mind that what I wanted was WORTH going after and that I should not shrink back.

It just goes to show how our own biases are ready to turn on or off at our whim because how many other women watched that movie and cared not for that scene nor remembered it?? Yet in my desire to pursue higher education, dormant though it was, my mind grasped onto any idea that would give me permission---for a scene in a movie is hardly permission to go about changing your life---but when you want to do something, I suppose any excuse is enough. And so we must be careful about how we prove to ourselves we are right......but I know that this road is a good one for me......that I am truly following my bliss, truly developing my giftedness and that I could not live with myself if I did not follow each opportunity to its end or to success.

and so I will!