Still far from home

Weary. I've done a lot but there is so much to do. I don't feel like I can talk much about it, for her sake. At this point, the plan is for her to get two of those PODS (portable storage things). That way, I will not have to come back on a plane, load and drive a rental truck home, and then help her unload at both a storage and my house. She'll have two rooms in my house and it wouldn't even hold a fraction of all she's got here. She's lived in this house for about 18 years. It has about 9 rooms, two full baths, and there are maybe 6 closets. Every single room was packed with stuff. Every closet crammed full and bursting. She's having a very hard time distinguishing between what she needs and what is still useful. There are thousands of useful items, but very few she needs. Naturally, I don't assume that I am the holder of wisdom in this area, because each of us values various objects differently. I want to throw out most of the house, but I recognize that she deserves the right to choose what she will do with the objects she has chosen to collect, store, save, cherish, or whatever catagory the object may fall under. It is such a huge reminder to me that I must always keep the clutter out of the house. It clutters up the mind.....I want to continually make room for the possible while treasuring memoriabilia as defined by me. I think my thing would have to be pictures most of all. They capture a person or a time in a way that can bring back memories so clearly. I came across some family photos that I hadn't really seen. I really do not remember ever seeing my parents wedding album, it was so cute! 1956......but they are not still married. I think they were married 26 years......separated in the spring of 82 maybe and divorced in June of 83---the month after I married. They married in november and separated in the spring, so that is about 26 and a half years. We've only been married 23 years and I really want to get past that 27th year happily----and then on to the 30th, 40th, 50th, until Jesus comes back or death takes us home to Him. I wish we could die at the same time, but likely we won't. ....................on a different note--I'm so tired. I still did not get done all that I wanted to accomplish here. I still have to prepare my own trip. Still have to get my own house in order, still have to get L to her school. Still have to get K moved out (he's working on that now), still have to get S into school...........................L and S may go to see Nicole. It's in the planning stage and I hope it works out. They have welcomed her, but we'll see how they are treated when they go. S was trying to work it out to have two friends to come with her on the long drive, but it will be easier if it is L. ....................thinking about Cindy and praying that all is well, that God has blessed her abundantly far beyond all that she can ask or imagine. That she's able to prepare for moving back to the state she left a year ago---but coming triumphantly to her new job!!! Hooray! Blessings out to any reader....I hope this wasn't too scattered. It will be nice to be home soon. Tomorrow night.......ahhhhhhhh..................... :-)

up at moms

Hey blogger fans. Up here watching TV (house and monk and psych----it's okay, he's not really a psychic). Had to dial up, even the sound was crazy. Something I find really odd? Nothing much has changed here in TEN years! Now, the west of the city has seen massive growth, but in this central portion and the whole basic area where I lived is so much the same, it is CRAZY. Up here at my mom's, there are tons and tons of purses, jewelry and material. and she doesn't want to part with it (I was hoping she'd desire to lighten her load of purses, really....for her own good!) I find it difficult to type this blog, the keyboard is driving me crazy, and I cannot make a new paragraph. Mom is doing very well following surgery and was up and about. Her friend was here taking care of her. We'll go through sorting material tomorrow and then to Tia's to eat. Blessings to my friends. I prayed for everyone today. I listened to joyce meyers tapes from a decade ago and was loving it. I couldn't complain the rest of the day (no murmuring like those naughty israelites in the desert, No! It was Praise the Lord for me in everything, ask my little sarie). We had a good time. she didn't wake until I'd finished nearly the entire series. The drive was good, no rain. Serious line at the bathroom at the exxon somewhere. Interesting psychological interactions there, I was analyzing, of course. (and blessing). I cannot make a new paragraph! So I shall take it as a sign to quit here. (smile) I shall call my hubby.

SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM FOR LINKS AND ARCHIVES

I added this cute walrus that my daughter got off of some site that has these funny cartoons. He's so cute!

CUTE

Busy Day

Had a busy day already, enough for a full day! I got up at 6am and had some prayer time before I got Mr up with his coffee. Got ready and took my son to the notary so he could register for classes at our home address. He is thinking of moving out----and my mom will be glad because she wants his bathroom! He's got a bathroom in his room and the way it is now, she'll be sharing with the girls, except that L will be up at school and not home too much.

Then went over to have coffee and breakfast with D, D, and J. Great time! We were supposed to bring wedding pictures and a good book to discuss (book report), but I had forgotten since the notary took longer than expected and I didn't have time to return home---and I didn't know about the book. I know what book I'll discuss when they come to my house next week (so we can have some prayer time). ...."Praying the Attributes of God" .....I really should have bought that for my party gift because I always wish I could buy it for everyone. It didn't occur to me, though.

And yesterday I got my bathroom clean while listening to www.celebrationchurchtx.com (the "media" section has sermons you can download and listen to for free) and then today I got out my old Joyce Meyers cassette tape series, Pressing Toward the Upward Call (or is it Higher Call???). I was listening to those four tapes to encourage myself in the Lord back about 10 years ago or so. Maybe a little less. But things were sure different then. But the message is still so relevant to me and I was blessed.

So I am filled up with sermons! But it keeps my mind focused on "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" or even better............"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"....instead of....oh, i will be all by myself, i've never been by myself, what if i get sick, what if? what if? what if?---------HARDLY Godly thinking.

God is increasing my faith and preparing me to depend on Him. To be a light and a witness, (in the name of Jesus).
and it is SO interesting not praying to Him all the time for this or that such as......PLEASE HELP ME WRITE THIS PAPER GOD, PLEASE HELP ME WRITE THIS PAPER GOD, PLEASE HELP ME WRITE THIS PAPER GOD.
And when I had prayer requests at group, "That God would help me write this paper"....always paper writing.

and I'm praying different things right now and trying to clarify what my requests are. I know I do not have to be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petitition--I will present my requests to God and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

AND I WAS SO BLESSED TO RUN INTO MY FRIEND AGAIN TODAY!
so we went to starbucks and sat for a while and I blab blab blabed and enjoyed it IMMENSELY.
(Thanks Friend!)
and I know she's going to send me her blog, so I'm sending a shout out to her now----
HEY! (I LOVE JESUS!) and you too!

and at lunch I was out shopping (finally, since I wanted to go on Monday, but was sick--On Tuesday evening, but that headache came back, on wednesday--but I spent all day trying to avoid cleaning my bathroom but determined to make sure I did it) and then Mr was headed home from his training class, so I headed home to see him---since soon I will not see so much of him. sniff sniff.

I am going to take care of my mom, who says she won't need much help, but I want to be there to be sure. Which reminds me that I should remind my brother and sister to send a card. Mom does not check my blog, so no biggy. (remember that from the 70s? or was it early 80s?)

My friend up North is finishing her thesis and she goes to defend it on August 11. I'm in prayer for her success. Woo hoo!

My youngest has these hilarious cartoons from some site, I'm going to get on her computer and add one.
God is good all the time in all ways. I am glad He is so faithful. I will praise Him among the nations and praise Him among the peoples. Rejoice with me!
(wow, it is great to be headache free)

Juanita in first one (left) Amy in second (right photo)

Thanks Amy for bringing a camera! It is odd how I have not been taking any pictures.
One friend made a good point, though (Debbie, I think).....usually my life is going by so fast, I am trying to capture some of it with pictures---but without that pace, I don't feel as much need to photograph.
Great insight! That might be it! I took a picture of a moth the other day, and before that a bunny. Not my usual subject matter, but I wanted to record that these things were here at the house! JinLing has some photos coming too, so maybe I'll be able to put a couple more out.

Dora.me.Jinling.Christa.Camilla.Xiaohua.Debbie.Amy.Juanita

We missed You, Julie, Tracy, Brenda, and Kerry!

Me, Juanita, Dora, Debbie, Amy

Vacations to Home....

Thanksgiving Break: Wed Nov 22-Sun Nov 26
Christmas Break : December 9 to January 2

Spring Break: March 16-25
Summer Break: June 8-September 24

Weekends I will come home
or Mr will come to me:
(three to four days at a time)

Sept 29
October 20
November 9
January 18
Feb 10
April 19
May 24 (my 24th anniversary is May 26th)

Leadership

What is it that draws someone to leadership? Lately, I have been contemplating so much about leadership, particularly in the church. I've already written that I see it as servanthood. But analyzing others have helped me grow more sensitive to what I've seen in myself.
I had supposed that I had learned, at this most recent church, to be a Christian without having to have an identity as a leader. But.....I still see this as a temptation.
At the retreat, I would find myself actually thinking horrid thoughts like...."Now don't get too extreme in worship because leaders are bold but also conservative."...........what kind of hellish thinking is that? Or......."Can they tell I am leadership material?"............oh God forgive me!.......and then when I was there, I saw a woman who was in my Bible study group in the past, and really enjoyed it and was ministered to greatly. I found myself thinking, "Aha! She'll tell them how she knows me!".........each time I thought such foolishness, I was shocked at myself---and then NOT. Yes, my flesh wants to rule.

Leadership is NOT "being above" or "mature", it is SERVICE! Love and compassion. So, when checking motives, it there a desire to be honored? a desire to have others come for advice or counsel? Is there a desire to OFFER counsel?
I've learned from PSYCHOLOGY (a godless science at times) that the desire to influence is the desire for POWER.
Yes we can be fooling ourselves into thinking we want to help when we are power hungry. In likely need of repentance.

We need to be drawn by COMPASSION. Oh how simple a word, but it is the hired hand who runs off when the wolf strikes. The shepherd gives his life for the sheep. But the hired hand does not want to be injured, does not want the work, does not want the pain, does not want the controversy. The hired hand wants the money that goes to the sheep watcher, that's all.

and so, in ministry, there is such a cost. Such a need to be humble, transparent, ready to admit flaws.....and since I know I have not gotten there---I should not be in a place of ministry. It must only be when there is compassion for the people -----and that compassion is hard to come by.

So when I measure myself in this way, I come up short.

I have led so many times and it did teach me a lot. But then NOT leading after leading was the far better lesson in humility.
and as I enter this new church, Oh how I want to be a servant and NOT a "leader". I have such a desire to influence and I really want to nurture the part that is full of compassion and kill the part that merely desires respect.

YET, I do always want to be worthy of respect.....living a life of godliness that does not draw criticism, but wins the respect of outsiders--as the Bible says. I want my light to shine. And I am a serious evangelist for the heart of the believer---and I'd like to grow to the place where I can share the life of Jesus and His death on the cross/resurrection with unbelievers (I'm pretty hit and miss about that).
Yet never let it be about ME, about putting evangelistic notches in my belt.

I want to say emphatically that Christians who do that make me BARF!!! and I think they kill something of the love in the universe (and no, I am not getting all new agey when I write that!)
Just that, do you love? Brothers and sisters, do we LOVE? If it is not love, then what is it? If it is the flesh, then it kills. Do you really want to go around killing people with Jesus? How off is that?
In one place, Jesus says whoever is not with him, scatters-----and in another place he says whoever is not against him is with him-----------so I leave that to others to sort out. Except that there MAY be a place in the kingdom for those who witness of Jesus for selfish reasons, as Paul points out---so I try not to get ballistic on this note.

but my headache has come back again, or pain in my neck. So maybe the best thing is not to be on here blogging, but I've watched two episodes of "House" and you know I am not well when I am watching loads of TV, but I was trying to pass time until I could go to bed again.

Perhaps I am just stressed about the upcoming transition. But I've got to get my hubby to bed because he has a hard time getting up in the morning.
On notes like this I wish I had the whole blog opened up for comments, but then I'd likely get upset with some stranger commenting rubbish back to me. So my friends know where to find me on email.

Christ is Risen! He is Risen Indeed! (Easter greeting between Christians)

Jehovah Shammah

Actually, I cannot remember what shammah is, but I was trying to remember the name for God is Peace. It might be Shammah.

Jehovah Tsidkinu-God My Righteousness, Jehovah Raphe--God My Healer, Jehovah Jireh--God My Provider, Jehovah Nissi--God My Banner (referring to how we are in His Army and He leads, we are under His name, He protects us, fights for us).
One of my favorites is El Roi. Hagar called God, "El Roi" the God Who Sees" when He rescued her after she'd been sent out from Sarah for having given birth to Ishamael obediently (but then acted as though she were elevated above her mistress and Sarah was jealous). God even cared for her, God gives good gifts to the evil and the good. He does not only care for those who care for Him, and we are to do likewise. Easy enough spoken.....but walked out? Takes a God walk.

Post migraine fatigue and a world picture in the wrong place

ok

This is what I needed yesterday. You can buy this on www.skymall.com . I need a head and neck massage when I get those horrid migraines. I can be thankful, though, that this was a two day one. They are usually three.

Still, I am so worn out from them! It was obnoxious! .........I watched some of Aviator last night, about Howard Hughes. My head got to hurting, though, so I quit in the middle, but in the first part, he was making his movie, "Hells Angels" and he needed some clouds. Waited for clouds.

well, today there were the nicest puffiest clouds! and as I drove back from Christa's house, I just was thankful for them. I was tired. I had a fun time taking her daughter to see the movie "Cars" and I cried. I really wanted to take her to the children's museum, but if my headache came back, it could have been ugly.

.....which reminds me how my father laughed when we moved to Louisiana in 1976....I was at the orientation for new students and the lady was explaining how you had to live in the district to go to that school. She was a tall, very skinny lady in a bright read pants suit. Her face was very wrinkled and her hair, while typical fifty year old short do--may have also been dyed sort of reddish, but it may have been dark-not sure. But she was pointing her long bony finger with the deep red polish and she was moving that mouth with the garish red lipstick and she was saying, "Now, I don't wanna be ugly!" ....meaning that she didn't want to have to get RUDE.....but my dad found great humor in this ugly lady saying such a phrase in all seriousness......and I did too.

Anyway, I am tired. Have I said that already? I am so tired! And I came home to get some things in the mail (like thank you notes), Senior portraits ordered for sarah, I've got to get a vision appt, and dang it, I've lost my To-Do list which was about 10 items long or worse. So ANOTHER day will go by and I've done NOTHING again.

but hey, if you are having a break, you are having a break. But with the days counting down, I am beginning to feel them in my body. Ten, nine, eight, seven......oh this whole thing takes so much FAITH. and I have it on most days and I will continue to march forward in TRUST.....but I have definitely come to the time when I keep hoping God will say, "STAY" .......and even then could I trust myself not to manufacture such a word from God just to make my life easy?

I want to be BRAVE and I want to ignore fear. I do not think you should live a life running from anything you fear. If I did not follow this path, I know there is not other directions I truly want to go. But I am ready to go any direction God chooses.

When I was at the women's retreat, I heard this:

"My sheep hear my voice and you are mine."

"Do you trust me?" (yes) "Do you trust me?" (yes) "Do you trust me?" (yes)

Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every nation, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey all that I have commanded you and lo, I am with you always."

OK. So I know that Chicago is NOT all the world. I know that it is NOT my mission but part of my preparation. Further than that, I cannot be sure. I only know that God said, "Graduate school will be good for you" (I got that word in Jan 2004) when I was trying to go to China and God said, "Not in this next year" and wouldn't you know? I had two or three invitations! None of them understood why I said no. I was FRUSTRATED, too!

ha ha ha

I stuck that world picture on here and it was supposed to go right HERE!!!!!!!!!!! but it went back up to the top.

How silly does THAT look?

I'll leave it to people to just get puzzled.

:-)

Dinner Cruise

This is the water in the winter, right now it is far more lush and green.

I had spent an hour blogging this morning and the blog wouldn't post---but imagine how relieved I was when I checked it just now and all those kajillions of words ARE posted. Aren't you blessed? Now you can scroll through them all and speed read them. Ha ha ha! Just kidding.

All that writing is for my own peace of mind. Even Mr couldn't possibly listen to all I have to say and Cindy is busy writing up her thesis this week (every praying friend say a prayer right now, LORD, please bless Cindy's writing and concentrating and help her finish this thesis with excellence and be able to let it go without thinking it has to be perfect! yet let her get all the necessary details in the proper order in Jesus' name!) so she can't read all my lengthy emails since I email every nuance of stupid thought that rolls out of my brain.
Thank her my friends, she is saving you an onslaught of silly words!

Still have that horrendous headache. I think maybe I was really getting uptight with going to a retreat where I didn't even know one person. But now I know a few of them and I really enjoyed it. Then to come home and prepare for the cruise. I was so tired.
But God is good and gives me strength and it is not as if I am not used to this three day migraine crash that follows anything difficult or extraordinarily busy or things pressure filled.

Love to every one out there!

Dinner Cruise

I had a wonderful time with friends on Saturday evening.
D, D, and J came to the house and then A came over. They bought me flowers! and Champagne! How fun! So I got to open my card, smell the beautiful flowers, take some photos with them. It was fun. Some of us obsessed with our outfits, others were calm, cool and collected. The best thing was that I didn't drive down there alone!
Right before the party, one friend called to say she could not come. Another emailed to say she had hoped to come but some difficult circumstances made it too hard. I was sad to lose the opportunity to see them, but assured them I understood. One of the reasons I gave the party was to give my friends a special night of fun since I have rarely gotten to see them in the past few years. I am always so busy just trying to take care of my family, particularly the last two years.

So it was great to have some friends come drive me down. The party started early! And then we had to find the place where the boat launched. That predicted difficulty for others, so after we were all set up and ready to go. I went with A to watch for some friends. Well, along comes C! So I let A go back and C came with me. At least we had a chance to visit right then. (which reminds me I said I'd babysit her daughter tomorrow and I need to contact her to do that). But we didn't see my other friends coming, so we went back.
Well, I knew that J would send out a search party for me if the others came somehow, and sure enough, J and A had gone to find me. So I went back to find them because now everyone was there! As they were coming back a different way, I spotted them and yelled and waved. We all headed to the boat for greetings and smiles and hugs.

Other friends brought me presents, how fun! I brought presents for the friends attending, so we were exchanging gifts. I let them open theirs, later I opened mine. It was great. The heat, however, was nearly unbearable at times. Once we were on the water, there was a breeze.

It was a small covered riverboat with the round paddle at the end, like the Mark Twain riverboats. We had a nice table in the middle with white table cloths over it. The chairs were just the regular plastic backyard kind.

But the guests were fantastic and the view was great. We saw the bats leaving, an Austin tradition, which four of the ladies had never seen. There are so many bats! And so there are no mosquitos. We saw swans, ducks, turtles, fishes, and I don't know what else. The turtles had little zuchini heads popping up out of the water, looking for the snacks that people usually thrown them. The catfish weren't far behind and one large one surfaced and amazed us all. It was big as a small dog! (well, longer than a dog, but as thick around as my dog Motz!).

The lights of the city buildings were so pretty along with some of the homes that were built along the river. Everyone periodically got up from the table and took in the view. And it was so good to visit. I didn't get to visit enough with C and X, but D,D, and J are ladies I see all the time, C and I visited in the hotel as we waited for other guests, A and I stood outside and visited for a couple of hours (my hubby was shocked, I stayed up past midnight!). But at least I have had a chance to visit C and X briefly in the past couple of months. I'll get together with Jl sometime soon and then for the ones who couldn't come---Jx and T, I hope I get to see them. I did go see T sometime in the last six months, but I haven't see Jx for a while. I had also invited B and K, who couldn't come, but I had a chance to see them. We went to K's for a lunch in Buda and B came over and brought burger BBQ fixins and we went for a swim.

If I had a million dollars, I'd have another party, but expand it out to people I really like, but never see and rarely stay in contact with.
It is so important to have friends. I sure miss the ones that don't live in my city! Like C, A, A, and E! (well, and Jx!). And I miss my family, they all live far away. Two neices just had birthdays and I haven't seen them in a couple of years! I think I was there two summers ago and that is all. sniff sniff.

Well, I've tried to post a picture on here three times and it hasn't worked. Sorry this was a boring blog! I should have written an interesting one for my friends who were there....but I've got a bad headache that I had all day yesterday! So me and my darn headaches. I don't know what I'll do today. I wanted to try and see friends, but I am so grouchy and bad when I have a headache. If I can stand it, I'm going to go shopping----Jl gave me a 100 dollar gift certificate as a graduation gift---wowee wow wow! Surely that would make any headache go away!
:-)

Also, I went to a spirtual retreat over the weekend.
I'll write more on that soon. But you know how it goes, as each hour passes, you remember fewer and fewer details about a memory.

and I'm going to write the editor of our city paper. He wrote this great article in the editorial section on Sunday called, "Tracking down claims of bias in Middle East reporting" and I want to commend it for it. I think that people have to have to take a critical view of everything they read. There is no way any writer can completely be UNbiased and we shouldn't expect such. And as the paper notes, there is only so much space, every article cannot be shared. But I usually think of the media as so liberal, so it cracks me up when the liberals say it is so conservative. I read liberal pieces just to see what the other side is saying, and they often have some very good arguments. Oh but I hate to read stupid things like in todays paper when someone who was arguing against a federal something-rather against people who take a minor across state lines so they can get an abortion----saying something like you are making a law to indict clergy, and (then two other innocent sounding people) and defending pedophiles (and maybe two other evil sounding people groups). But the article went on to say that parents seriously want to defend their right to know what their minor children are doing---and I say amen to that!
It is true that many girls are abused by their parents, but there are TONS of girls getting pregnant that are NOT abused by their parents at all! and it is a dangerous medical procedure and the parents should know about it if the girl is under 18.
But the abortion argument is so intense that the sides rage against each other. and just today that boy whose parents were trying to let him---by his choice---refuse regular medical treatment for cancer and were trying alternative methods---that boy has been required by law to show up at a medical facility and allow them to do whatever they want to him. If that isn't wrong, I don't know what is. But you know, many parents or clergy or others may also force abortions on girls. There are so many stories about girls who were not allowed to keep their babies, and in this day and age of abortions, so many girls forced to get rid of their babies in that manner (and many who are perhaps not allowed to abort babies they do not want to carry).

I often find it difficult to take sides on some of these types of issues. I am positively without hesitation against late term abortion, period! I am not totally against 1st trimester, but I wish we could limit it to something even like 8 weeks. And I am definitely NOT against the morning after pill. I was shocked to discover my daughter Sarah against the morning after pill, so I discussed it with her, since she may have considered herself extending family views.

Why would anyone be against a morning after pill? The egg may have just been fertilized, who is really going to call that a PERSON??? It has not even become that thing it becomes after three days!!! So that pill should be widely available (unless it has rough side effects I know nothing of).
But most rapes could be covered in such a fashion and even foolish indiscretions. Why do moral guards want to up the cost of sin? There are enough consequences without adding an unwanted child into the picture, particularly for girls and women in poverty. It is often men who stand against such things and how foolish is that??? As if men can even begin to comprehend what a woman goes through when she carries a child.

Just the other day a friend of mine was upset because her two children are her responsibility while her husband goes about his business. He just goes to work, la la la.....but she cannot work unless she has arranged child care. And this is a good partnership marriage! Because women will always be the ones providing care and the exceptions, while growing, are not common.

In fact, another article in the paper said that these two girls, 5 and 6? maybe 6 and 7? were found near starvation. They said that they only got food when their father was not away on business. They were kept in the basement and had been starved for some time. Their stepmother's children were kept upstairs and were in healthy condition. YIKES!!! Don't fathers know that stepmothers will not love their spouses former offspring from another woman in the same way they love their own flesh! YIKES!! At least in adoption, there are fewer jealousy issues.Both parents are usually related to the child in the same manner---NONE. But with step children---well, read "The Murderer Next Door" by UT professor...........oops, forgot his name! He says that it is MOST DANGEROUS to be a stepchild. And I've read a lot lately that also to be a pregnant woman. That there are so many pregnant women who are victims of violence and even killed.

Glad my kids are big! Glad I am married to their father! Glad for so many things!

but it isn't that way for everyone.

Okay, I shouldn't write controversial stuff because I ALSO read that a CIA worker got fired for writing about torture and the geneva convention on her blog!
(but big mouths like me just LOVE blogs...............darn)

Leading and serving and trusting

In my devotional this morning--My utmost for his highest by oswald chambers (a fave of mine)---I went back to the recent 2 days (july 18/19) and the discussion was on obedience to Jesus. It says:
"Our Lord never insists on having authority over us. He never says, "You will submit to me." No, He leaves us perfectly free to choose--so free, in fact, that we can spit in His face or we can put Him to death, as others have done; and yet He will never say a word. But once His life has been created in me through His redemption, I instantly recognize His right to absolute authority over me. It is a complete and effective domination, in which I acknowledge that, "You are worthy, O Lord..." (Rev 4:11). It is simply the unworthiness within me that refuses to bow down or submit to one who is worthy.

This discussion is so relevant to some things we've discussed in our prayer group, which has really turned lunch group, due to the meeting places. It hardly seems appropriate to have a prayer session in a coffee shop or restaurant (not that we couldn't, but it is not very conducive to spiritual contemplation for us lightweights).

In addressing leadership issues among us, I've come to see some things in the light, including my own attitudes, which are wrong, and although they have come to the light, they are still so pervasive as to affect my bearing.
It's thinking you are a leader.

As someone who has had extensive leadership, in my first church it began to bud and bloom, but by the time I was at Vineyard, I was doing multiple things and it sure was another high point in my life. I love church work, I love teaching the Bible, I love sharing what I know.
When I changed churches because of some disagreements with leadership, I chose a church that was much more fundamental and strict with those that were allowed to have ministries. Imagine my chagrin when I learned it excluded me. I was told I would be soon invited to the leadership meetings, but then we never were. Neither Mr nor I were really willing to submit to the level of control that was pervasive there, but I think it may have been other things. I cannot be sure, since I did not inquire, but trusted the Lord because my duty at the time was to finish school and church ministry would vie for my attention, indeed it would capture my attention and I would likely have a divided heart. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I chose this church for just that very reason (that they be scathing in their combing individuals for ministry, making SURE they were well versed in Bible knowledge and theology) and that I was being saved from divided attention.
It was hard on the pride, though. I knew that despite personal weaknesses, I had much to offer, as many Christians do. Yet, the opportunities for women at this church were very limited. The women's ministry was more driven towards fellowship and the marriages of the church were predominately pairings where the male was the stronger spiritually and the wives were more passive by nature. There didn't seem to be any room for ministry for new people.
I had to learn to be a nobody in terms of leadership. How hard it was! To not get acclaim or esteem for my learning! I really saw how I sort of chaffed under that, yet, I knew that was NOT the goal of ministry---it is to SERVE. And I really didn't want to serve. I really didn't have the time to lay down my life for others, which is what I see as the requirement for office---there IS NOT OFFICE---it is all service.

So when I wish I could help leaders stop thinking they are so important. Especially lay leaders. It is NOT just the new ones who struggle with wanting to be esteemed. Seasoned Christians desire to be affirmed and acknowledged, to go to a higher place than others. I am not immune. I find this to be grievous, but what can I do? I repent and move towards humility. But as soon as I find myself in a humble attitude, I am prideful for having attained such, and then I've lost it again. Difficult.

As for me, I think the important lesson that I must remember---is NOT that I need to teach others this lesson so much as remember it MYSELF. We are so quick to think we know what others need. We think to ourselves that if we could just communicate this to them, they would learn what they need to know and be better for it. Yet, that is not always the step God would have us take.

All Christians know that when they were first Christians, they listened to the sermon and thought, "So and so needs that!" or they elbowed their spouse, "See?!?"......but those times when you are at church alone or that person you are thinking needs it is not there----remember who IS there---YOU!!! And so we come to understand that God is sending the message to US! Stop learning for others and take the knowledge to the depth of your heart where it can change you!
And that is where we try to be---yet, we often fall back to immature ways of thinking that others need this or that.

I go to this retreat. I planned on reading the whole New Testament. I only made it through the four gospels (and I skimmed the book of James when looking for something in particular, but that is hardly meditating on the Word). But how glad I am that I did not make it. I would have all that Bible scripture right on the tip of my tongue and how tempted I might be to show it off.
When I am teaching or studying regularly, I know so much of the Bible by heart, but I've learned to stop that. I've learned ---actually from my recent church that would drive me nuts because they would talk in Scripture references ("well, at least there is Romans 8:28! They said that one ALL THE TIME) How can new Christians even understand such nonsense--not to mention NON-Christians! God didn't write the references, the Holy Spirit wrote the WORD: All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His Purposes-----that what matters is faith expressing itself through love.

Jesus says, You eagerly study the scriptures...but you refuse to come to me to have life! It is all about Jesus and loving others, forgiving others, considering others. That's not as easy as knowing the Bible! I know so much, but how much can I WALK OUT????? Not much, let me tell you! I fall on the mercy of Jesus.
and leaders would do well to do the same.

Let us not see ourselves as leaders, let us see ourselves as servants. Servants do not demand to be asked politely, servants run for their master and give and give. I want to see myself as a servant, and if I do not have the grace to serve, than what business do I have trying to be "over" others.

Let God be glorified in my life as I work out these truths. I am not at a place of service and I bless those who are. Yes, it is a hard job because you can never satisfy the hearts of the people you serve. So they grumble and are discontent, which is why we must point one another to Jesus. Good heavens, there is not a person in this WORLD who can meet my standards, so why would I ever think I can meet someone else's.
No, I've learned I cannot. And really, that is why I am glad God has NOT called me back into service just yet. It is a tough road and you must be hidden in Him. It is a lot of work, like parenting toddlers and teens at the same time (some of my friends actually do this, whew!)

Again, may God be glorified. I am praying for humility. I am praying that I go to this meeting as a child, with hunger in my heart for God, not trying to "be somebody". I pray that I do not fall back on my Bible knowledge to show that I am a person of worth. I am a person of worth because God created me! All His created people are worthy! We are all made in His Image! and we should serve God in every man as a service to Him.
(but the shoulds, the shoulds hold us back, the shoulds bring condemnation, let God breathe LIFE to us and then we shall serve Him with gladness and great energy!)

YES! It is so obvious I am filled with Him, right? I am not gripping about garage sales or back aches or my weight or school.
I am filled with trust and I will walk in the gift of it!

and some difficulties, some storms I am facing right now, pale in comparison to my joy in Him. I am so at peace in that regard----and focused on Him changing ME not me working on everyone else to get in line with my improvement program.
When I delight myself in Him, He gives me the desire of my heart---which is HIM! How I wish I always chose this place. How thankful I am that I've had some time to spend at His Feet. I so wanted some revival in my heart before I head North and try to exist there apart from my family! It will be a challenge, but if God is for us, who can be against us? I am willing to lay it all down or complete the whole thing. Whatever He shows me, that I will do.

Previously I had told God, "Please don't let me quit and please don't ask me to quit! I'm afraid that if I think I 'hear' You tell me to quit that it will really only be my fear talking. And if I can't hear you telling me to go (as I know you are) if it turns out that I made all this up out of my own will, then how will I ever trust myself to hear You? Your sheep hear Your voice and I am Yours. I will follow You wherever You go, but didn't Peter say that?"

But now as the time approaches and I really DO fear going and I really DO fear failure, I have to fall in His arms again. "I am willing to go or stay. I am afraid to go! But I know You go with me. You said that even if I go to the depths of the sea, You are there =psalm 139= So I will trust in You. You know my past and my future, You hold those in Your hand, but I do NOT know them, I just walk in faith. Thank You for this opportunity and I pray I accomplish all that You have purposed. I know when I am there, I will continue to know whether You are with me or not, I know You will speak to me. It is like jumping off a cliff in the dark, but with You, darkness is as light. Darkness flees from You. So I am safe."

and since I so fear failure, yet I know I am not supposed to fear (perfect love casts out fear), I tell myself I am allowed to fail. I will not be ashamed (oh right, yes I will, but okay), I will trust You. I really do not want to "fail", but I so want to obey! I am only safe within the Will of God. That is when I can trust that everything that happens to me has a purpose for my benefit. Outside of the Will of God, I make myself available to the enemy to steal, kill, and destroy, and even though God will turn it around for my benefit in the long run, it is not necessary. So in this place, I can trust that everything has a purpose and a lesson and a meaning and I will look for the blessing, trust for the blessing.

God is worthy to be praised.

The Lord

The Lord is a refreshing drink of water to a parched soul (and to a filled soul as well.)

I went to church last night and was so blessed. I've been reading my Bible and praying in preparation for a spiritual retreat on Friday and it is so welcome to my soul! My hearts cry to the Lord was to please refresh, renew and revive my heart as I prepare to go North.

I know that once I begin schooling, I will be heads down and praying for Grace, Mercy and writing ability. For cognitive skills, for memory. It is true that I get so dependent.

I was in the church bookstore perusing their offerings. It was a fairly good selection, not too deep, though (that's okay). One really light book was on personality. With interest, I flipped through the pages. Similar to the sanguine, choleric, melancholy, phlegmatic grouping, this book represented only four types. I cannot remember them all. The sanguine was the dependent type, I suppose.....and the choleric-the controlling type. I did not make a strong mental note of the others, so I've forgotten.

But it turns out I'd be the dependent type. Well, I wasn't too thrilled with that designation. Someone who needs a lot of encouragement, who cannot stand criticism at all, one defining statement was, "I cannot be happy unless I have the perfect strong and caring mate" or something like that. I thought to myself---well, good thing I have that! Not that he's perfect, but certainly strong, caring, supportive. I guess I picked right after all. Not that he doesn't grate on me at times, and I on him......but we are well matched. I thought about how good for my soul that I know Jesus Christ, another perfect strong and caring One!

God does meet all our needs. Sometimes we need someone with skin on, as we said at Vineyard, and so we need to be god to one another. Let Him move through us.

It is well with my soul. I remember all His benefits, who forgives all of my sin, heals all my diseases, who satisfies my desires with good things so that my youth is renewed like the eagles.
So I praise Him. I feel very safe and trusting. I know I will continue to know His will throughout this forray into the unknown. I want to be a light to the nations, but I must be prepared! I want to tell others, but I must be shining and salty!

When I am close to God, my heart is so full of love. I may still be my antsy, spazo (read spazo with an "a" sound like apple", coming from the word spasm) self----but inside will be a calm.
So I always tried to emulate this calm, peaceful, zen like state of relating, but HEY, it is just not me. I am energy, I am enthusiasm (when I'm at my best anyway) and I love new things, new ideas, and exploration.

I wanted to be the picture of Mother Theresa. Well, I've hardly managed THAT, now, have I?!?

I made a new blog, www.christianrivers.blogspot.com but I don't think I'll use that one. I'll just keep using this one. I'll use this one to keep family and friends updated to what is going on in my life.

God is good, and here are some of His Names in the NIV version of the Bible (I'm currently reading the NASB, but I've memorized so many scriptures in the NIV that I start to skim when I'm reading instead of slowly absorbing the Word of God). There is a list in the back of the Experiencing God study book. Meditate on the ones that mean the most to you:

God of all comfort
Father of compassion
He who reveals His thoughts to man
a refuge for His people
an ever present help in time of need
God of truth
God who avenges me (hey, everyone likes this one occasionally)
God who gives endurance and encouragement
him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine
my advocate
Holy One
my strong deliverer
Wonderful Counselor
Our Redeemer
the consuming fire
the God who sees me
the one who sustains me
you who judge righteously and test the heart and mind
Alpha and Omega
author and perfector of our faith
Faithful and True
bread of life
bridegroom
him who loves us and has freed us from our sins
Savior
Jesus Christ
Voice of the Lord
Spirit of wisdom and understanding
Spirit of wisdom and revelation
Teacher
good shepherd
Spirit of counsel and Power
spirit of grace and supplication
Immanual (God with us)
merciful and faithful high priest
Lamb
my intercessor
Son of the Most High God
Spirit of the Living God
Spirit of the Sovereign Lord
The only God our Savior
The Way
The Truth
The Life
The only way to get to God
Jehovah
Yahweh

He is ever living! May He be praised forever! Let the people's praise Him!
Our God is an Awesome God!

Garage Sale

OKAY, it is over! and I had two people who came and hauled some off for me at the end. Man, was I ready to let that stuff GO!
Hannah and Abby were lifesavers. I am on my second set of drenched clothing since 5am.

Once I went to get the change out of my pockey, opened my hand, and there was a grasshopper.
He immediately hopped up and I screamed and threw my money on Hannah (she was laughing later so I guess I didn't wound her--yikes). The the grasshopper jumped up again and we both screamed, it was just so darn STARTLING! whew! so then we laughed.
How DID that dang thing get in there?

At the end, I had all books 25 cents (that sold a bunch), all the clothes 50 cents (wow, one lady got some SERIOUS bargains when she picked some of my good clothes), and a whole bag of the cheaper ones for 5 dollars.

I am so hot.
drenched.
it is like the heat is bursting from within.

S started to help this morning, then people arrived and she was out of there. L was awakened at noon to go pick up signs with S (who was going to do the dirty work!) and even then she was embarrassed to do it. S had to leave one sign. she was at a major intersection (at taco bell) and tried to pull it out. She tried wiggling. She tried REALLY wiggling. Then she tried to pull it from the bottom. Nothing. So she nonchalantly walked back to the car. Mr came to the rescue. Guess it needed a man's touch. Thanks to S for the effort!

We sold colas---coke, water, sprite, sunkist, and diet pepsi. I was selling them at 1.00 until one woman said, "wait, that's too high." I said, "I know but I was selling them for .50 and my husband said they cost more than that." She said, "Do the math. They cost about 3.00 and there are 12. That's about 25 cents each." I said, "Well, darn, you are right. Good for you for talking to someone about it, I just couldn't think this morning and raised it to a dollar. Okay, 50 cents." She paid it. and I kept it at 50 cents, which helped since one sign said 1.00 and another sign said, 50 % off everything.

One lady told me I had the best signs of the day. I'll try to take a photo of them, but don't hold your breath.

I was getting a little huffy at Steve today because he was just loafing around this morning and really not helping. But I had gotten him up at 6, so I knew he was tired. I had prayed that we'd be good to each other, so I was guessing that meant ME.
BUT NOW----he is out there working HIS buns off putting things away. I tried to get it all together but HE has to haul it all off. I guess we each have our giftings. I am good at the starting and set up and he is good at the clean up.

Great to be part of a winning team!

Hooray! We made plenty of money, I am very pleased---and that is without selling the couch or dining table as we planned. That money helps go for all the costs and furniture I have put on the credit card! I'm thankful to have found a way to give a little something BACK!

Hallelujah

We've purchased a computer, a Dell XPS m something 1210---just what I was thinking I wanted! K and Mr were on the Dell site going through the options and such. So it may be here by Monday.
BUT K took the hard drive out of my dead one and put it in his (he's not really using his much right now because he's mainly on his desktop).....so I may get to be online soon! and on my own computer---well, my own harddrive.

I've already had issues with people saying, "I emailed you, what happened?" so it has me worrying about who has emailed me and is potentially wounded by my lack of response. My friend Anita from Illinois is coming to visit on August 9,10,11===I'm glad she CALLED. and I was going to go see my mom next week, but since Anita is not coming on the end of July, then I might go see mom when she has some surgery and help her then. She was counting on going to Tia's on Monday night, however. I was going to go mon-thurs===but already I've got some things I wanted to do here that week. One was getting my hair done, but I've done that. I would like to go to Wednesday church. I don't remember what the others are---so I do not NEED to stay here, it is just easier for me if I come when she goes in--that way I won't be fretting down here that I should go back again. It's an 8 and a half hour drive and I'm out of practice, not having gone to MS any time recently.

blessings to my readers! I'll be online soon.

Shout out to Cindy

Hey Friend. I think I am going crazy missing you on email! I am so used to hearing what is going on with you. Maybe God is working all things together for good and giving you an S-break.
:-0

(actually, I do not know what that smiley conveys, but I thought it looked like someone saying, "Oh my!")

I got my hair cut. I got bangs today. I put in some darker highlights.

Oh Darn....L wants me to take her to Wendys.
She got offered a job selling water softeners by a customer who liked her style.

Miss you!!

OH MY

Well.....do you ever feel like this?




I called my landlord. She said the lease agreement was for Aug 12 move in. I said, "Wha?" (not really, Dad) because the guy doesn't move OUT until Sept 1.

So how did I miss that when I read the lease? I am so profoundly ADD lately that I am shocked at the stuff that is happening over and over and over. Truly does make me wonder how I survive sometimes!

And I went to lick the peanut butter knife and hit myself in the tooth. Went to open the lettuce plastic with a sharp knife and poked myself in the thumb. I say again, "Wha?"

so of course I am likely dying of some strange disease that is dreadfully painful. And when I get the diagnosis, everyone will say, "Wow! How did you hold up under that?" and I will say, "Oh, I didn't know it was a painful disease, I thought that was normal." and everyone will be in awe, I'll get miraculously healed and then I'll go on Oprah.

Thanks Juanita and Hannah!

Oh this picture messed up! I was trying to put it BENEATH the other ones. Here I am at 13 (almost 14) with Sorrel, the horse on my Great Grandmothers huge ranch in Montana. You can see the girly touches I added to his ensemble....and the obvious affection. However, I later fell off this horse and I couldn't even cry because no one was even around to help me. I was humiliated, aching, and far from the big house (which is just an expression because the house was not big). So I walked the horse back feeling sorry for myself. This must have been PRE-fall.


Hey! the words I had typed here disappeared when I put that picture up top.
Whoa.
dang.
they were rather comical (I think.....so let's pretend they were hilarious)







So I guess I can't put up any other pictures on this entry or they might mess up. I wanted to have the dotted all around with little comments. Guess I need to get more tech savvy.

I was just so happy to hear that my friends enjoyed the photos. My extroverted/introverted self enjoys blogging. It is talking---so I like that----but it doesn't actually involve interacting with people---which goes well with my introverted side. Besides....there is this constant chatter in my head (unless I am seriously overloaded with school or imagine myself to be---I enjoy being tragically dramatic at times) and I can just let it all come out.

When I write my papers, it is all about communication, topic sentences, flow, a scholarly persona (which I am not always good at) and intense concentration and review. MAN, it is hard on my ADDish self. So I love blogging where I go blah blah blah and friends send me comments (and my Dad! HI DAD!)

Just to remind, I do not have any email. Seriously roughing it. I have to USE THE PHONE. (yecch).

I need to go get ready, but I actually have a headache starting. Oh bother! I just hate my constant aching head. I think I've eaten so much salt my blood pressure is suffering. but I haven't checked it yet. Last time I thought that, I was wrong, it was still OKAY. But I've got to work harder on controlling what I eat. NOT my fave.
sniff sniff

thinking

Uh oh

meow

S found this cute kitty

Wednesday

When he was 3....





I'm on my daughters computer, so I went to her Photo file folder to check for photos to put on here. This is her brother, now 22.

My how he has changed!

and this just makes me forget all the things I was thinking before getting on here.....

......but I was going to suggest going to Paul Kopeikin Gallery to view photographic art. I was reading MSN news because my daughters computer opens up to msn.com and I often get distracted and start by surfing a few of the articles. There is a set by Jill Greenburg which has gotten people in an uproar because she made children cry in order to take their picture and she said she was making a political statement, but some people are just calling her mean.

I saw the pictures and they aren't particularly good, in my opinion. ...And that is disappointing.
Take a look and you can decide for yourself. No, I don't think children should be exploited in that way. But then how many times have I harrassed my children and family for a picture---and some of my friends who find it horrifying---yet I call it love ....because I want an image of them that lasts which I can refer to over time in order to capture the time we were together forever.

Last night I did not take any pictures. I don't know why I have not gotten into the groove! I had three couples over, but one husband did not make it. We served them marinated flank steak, twice baked potatoes (organic), green beans and carrots (organic). We had some wines here because we never drink them, but my daughter S said that two bottles would not be enough (oh great! What makes her think of that!?!) and so Mr sent me to buy two bottles. Kendel Jackson Chardoney and Cabernet (I probably spelled all of that wrong---not my area of expertise for sure). Then we had personal lemon merigue pies that my youngest made, strawberry shortcake (everyone had some of both desserts!), and even some store-bought brownie bites in case any choclate lovers felt deprived. My beginning appetizers were dumb, so I won't mention them.

I brought out the crystal glasses (a water and a wine, I also have champagne flutes which I never ever use), and the silverware----how funny I can actually SAY silverware instead of flatware! It was real silver---that was nice! And then I washed and ironed the placemats and napkins (starched them). It was all so fun. My youngest and I worked all day beginning around 8 am. We actually had fun. I could not have done it all without her. She vacuumed everything, dusted everything thoroughly, cleaned the downstairs powder bath, made the pies, went with me to Central Market (like a whole foods) to buy some fine sugar, wheat rolls and such (OH!! FORGOT TO MENTION WHEAT ROLLS).
Then, when she got home near midnight, she walked right in and started cleaning up!!! My friends were still there. I appreciated that! There are still dishes everywhere because we left them. I had everyone come into the family room where we could talk and then I had them pray for me and Mr. It was really a great evening of fun and fellowship. It was good to see one of my good friends that I have not seen since March. Time flies.

Tonight I go to the new church to attend a "pre-meeting" for the retreat that I go to on the 21st and 22nd. I am taking my friend J with me. Mr offered to pay for another to attend with me! So I think I can get her to go. She might not want to, though, but she said she'd go to this pre-meeting. Then another friend would love to go, but she could not attend tonight. Oh well. It will all work out.

The retreat is on the same day as my dinner cruise party. But it should end about 3 or 4 and the party does not start until 7 or 8. Which reminds me that I said I'd send out official invitations! Gotta get on that! But I tend to work towards one thing at a time better than working all things at once (but of course I have to do that too)---so it has been the garage sale that I've spent all my time working towards and then I started working on the idea for last night's party as well.
Now that is past and today I have to put in the notice for the garage sale. Whew! It is a ton of work. I hope people come out and find treasures at a low low price and take them home to love.

My computer is down. It is horrid. I cannot get on my email. God knows how many people are sure I've received their email and are awaiting my reply. Yet I think everyone knows I am good at replying, so perhaps they'll think to call---but it is always an iffy proposition if anyone attempts to reach me by phone. But lately I have actually ANSWERED the phone (because I am home and I am never working on a paper) AND I have WATCHED TV. Two things that are very uncommon for me.

I may have mentioned it before----I like the show "House" which is a medical show about a doctor who takes difficult cases. I watched Monk, which was okay, and I want to watch the show "Psychic" about a guy who is not really a psychic but rather good at deduction and so he pretends he is psychic.
One thing I noticed is that there is a lot of "breaking into people's homes" on TV these days. That was not a regular theme in the past. Doctors and other respectable people going to people's house's and snooping. Doesn't bode well for the culture!

Well, Mr. is up. He's pulled a muscle in his neck and is still in excruciating pain at times. He was lifting weights and hurt himself somehow, but he aggravates it by laying in bed a certain way--which happened this morning. He was actually talking about going to a doctor, but what can they do? Still, maybe I am wrong and he needs to go. We'll see.

More later! Wish I could read email!

Whew! At least I can blog

To my horror, my computer has died. The port for the power cord is ruined. It is terrible!
I CANNOT GET TO MY EMAIL!!!
(and I don't know how to access it online through other computers)

Mr has been planning to buy me a new computer....but he wanted to buy this super-duper one because it is so cool. It would be so much more computer than I need.

We're waiting until they show up on the Dell Outlet website. But not anymore. I asked him to please consider getting one for me now.

I looked on the site (I'm on the kitchen computer) and found an XPS M1210 (that might not be right). It is for video chatting and is very small. I want Windows Media Center on there and bluetooth wireless. I want it to be light and small. I'm going to get a low priced desktop for my apartment up north.

On another note, we went to the first meeting for joining this new church. It is very odd that this will be my fourth church and the third one in this city!
But I am always wanting something my children will like, but then I get involved and stay. I am the only one who has really enjoyed our recent church. Mr said from the beginning that he didn't think it would be our home church, that it was a passing through church (or some such thing----can't remember his exact words, I thought it odd at the time, but it is true. I've stayed there because I was heads down in school and could not serve, but I wanted deep Bible teaching to make up for my minimal personal reading).

This new church is different.
It definitely makes me think that there is a time for everything. I would not be open to this church at an earlier time. They are so "NOW" and with it and technical and they do things up right. So I would have considered it excess or flaky.

But it goes like this..........................

I left my first church WAY past the right timing and way past God's timing. The whole structure was falling apart and I would not go until there were only 7 people left. Even then I didn't want to but preferred to move away (out of the city!) instead of change churches. (this tendency of mine also happens to be why I am still married. I endure in relationships). That church had given me life, they were my family, I could not easily move on. ....but everyone else had left!

My second church here was a great experience, too. But when we rose in leadership again, I was surprised to see mature Christians leaving (all for similar reasons ---which I refused to listen to). I knew that churches have trouble and leaders have weaknesses---I tend to overlook that as part of life---but then the same issue came up for me and everything I had heard turned out to be valid---that which I had brushed off as woundedness or gossip or such things. I had enjoyed the church because it had so many baby Christians, which I was more than happy to teach! The messages were not deep, but I studied daily myself. One final point however, was the lax attitude in allowing leadership opportunities to those young in the Lord. I had tried to be part of the solution, but I ended up leaving----and once you leave there---they cut you off. That was odd, but I considered that their problem--not mine--since I was not cutting them off in any way.

So, as I prepared to head back into school more heavily, I looked for a very fundamental church and found one with deep teaching. I queried the elders about the leadership process, which they assured me was very strict. Within a year or so I learned it was more than strict! It was very controlling! So I just figured, oh well, I got what I asked for. They are very picky about leadership, so picky that they leave women OUT for the most part! So I chose myself right out of service opportunities. I chose to teach Sunday school instead of lead Bible groups, I realized that I did not have to choose between church service and schoolwork---and I realized this was a blessing in disguise---and I stayed.
All the while DRAGGING my children! What I thought would be a church close to home turned out to be something they didn't enjoy. At first my daughters liked it because of the older good looking boys, but then they went off to college and moved on---it wasn't fun anymore. And the negative tone of many messages was tough for all of us.......but I stayed.
I had a great home group experience there with worshippers of like heart and other parents of teens. We shared our worries and encouraged one another profoundly.

Now that I am headed to a commuters life, I need to be sure my children will be encouraged to attend. We were in limbo about what to do---and while we were traveling around the state for volleyball tournaments and finishing up my last semester at school and dealing with the death of Brandon-----my church was falling apart. I was glad I was not there!! It is so hard to see them come unravelled. Turns out many have left, but two of my close friends still go there---J and A.
and I have many others I have cared for ---including children I taught in Sunday School (thinking of Ross in particular).
Thankfully, I was only there about once a month and I did not know what was happening. For the most part, it was not apparent. It is not anything horridly scandalous, thankfully, but it is a good time to move on and we will just appear to be part of a mass exodus.
I've decided NOT to stay longer than need be. I feel it is exactly the right time to move on. Time will tell and God will show me. I hope I've learned a thing or two.

But I really like this new church. It has a combination of the former three churches. I find that amazing. It is VERY positive--which is amazing as well. And very much The Word of God. So I am eager to join and I think this is where we will plant ourselves. I'd like to become a part of this church, a committed part---but I am moving away.
Still, I'll be BACK. Time moves on. The time will come that I am through with my education and I hope I get to work at Baylor! Maybe move to Salado on a creek.
I'll want to work with missions, teen moms, possibly marriage---but that is a tough area and I'm not always so great at it myself! Women's ministry and such. We'll see. They are growing tremendously, so the problems may work themselves out over the next few years---I really think a lot of the whole org, though, so I've started moving through all the joining things because time is short and I'll be gone and I want a family here. I'm going to a women's retreat that is "gate 3" of the five gates to leadership==with the 5th gate being invitation only. so that is good. They have some of the strictness of my most recent church with the opportunities of the first texas church. There is the positive attitude with the deep Bible teaching. They believe in the Holy Spirit, gifts and such, but that is not a direct part of the main service (that keeps things more balanced).

So, I'm optimistic, as usual, but wise enough to know that things are not always as they seem, so I enter into fellowship with eyes wide open and an ability to take care of myself and a willingness to avoid blaming others for my weaknesses. I have service to offer (although not much at this time) and I enjoy people. My daughters enjoy going (k works on sunday, didn't want to go because a pretty girl goes to the other one and he wants to see her, when he finally went, he did enjoy it).

anyway, off to prayer. I'm so thankful for blogs since I cannot email anyone. All this motor mouth and no where to put it! YIKES!
And it takes 3 to 5 days to get a computer here and it will likely be a couple days deciding on one.

Rats!

Tried to post some of the furniture I bought yesterday.
A soho mirror from bombay for me and Mr bought some wall lamps for the tv room. I also bought two linen shower curtains. I'm not sure if I'll ask mum to place the black around the edges like in Brazil, but we'll likely discuss it eventually. I also pre-paid on a table that will be in next week. It was a great compromise between the Vendome series from Crate and Barrel (the table is already DISCONTINUED but the desk was still available and in fact there is one for 600 instead of 900 down at the new outlet) and the Target 99 table that I keep looking at. I just didn't want to buy from target. pretty dumb of me, I know. I've been there a million times looking at stuff and I've poured over the website.
But Bombay has nearly Target prices but more assurance that it won't come to me damaged. The comments on Target's site really make me nervous.
So those pictures will be coming later.

I am meeting a friend for coffee this morning. ....and I'm actually going to drink coffee. I've figured out I like it when I put it over ice. Just like when Coke is not yet chilled....over the ice.

L is not doing well and so I am praying for her (I suppose I pray for her no matter what!) but she has a hoarse voice and went to school yesterday to take her microeconomic final, then her friend is here staying with her before she goes to Italy (after she came back from Spain) and they went shopping all afternoon and then out late last night. L didn't want to go shopping at all, but she did want to go out to see friends. She said it is making her so much happier as a person.

But today she works 11 hours! I told her to tell them, NO! It is illegal to work more than 8 hours. and you get a one hour break for lunch. She doesn't have to do it. I told her to be firm with them, but I understand that she doesn't want to.
but if she keeps getting run down, she could get sick like she was in the fall. It took MONTHS to get her well because she wouldn't take care of herself and wasn't getting enough sleep. I'm so thankful she was fully recovered when B died!! Because then she could barely eat for a couple of weeks and lost about 15 pounds or more since she couldn't sleep either.
So likely we can't make her work in the fall---which had been my plan. But she's just had this ONE class and then her job--about 30 + hours a week. and it has run her down. She's enjoyed the part where she doesn't think so much and she's enjoyed the money, but she is TIRED.
and she cannot tell her friends no.

I have sat in the kitchen listening to her tell them she can't go somewhere, going on and on about how she was serious, she was really tired and couldn't go---and they just push and push (the male friends usually) and the female friends whine. Probably, though, they know that they need to get her out since she was grieving---yet she really DOES need the sleep this time and they don't know it.
I'm sure it will all work out, but it is hard to watch and I don't want her to compromise her schoolwork in the fall.

She has another job coming up, so we may tell her to go ahead and quit this one since the hours are so long.

off to get ready,

Pictures

Interesting to me---I can't think of pictures that convey some of my feeling. So what am I feeling? Who knows? I've forgotten my morning dream---wait....I was at a concert? Putting water bottles in my purse--they were going to be taken.
Another scene--I was responsible for an accident somehow. Maybe my truck was sitting in the middle of a large intersection side street and some people hit it. They were looking for the one who was responsible. Even though I worked for an insurance company--or was at one, anyway, I was hiding in the hall near the bathroom hoping no one would find me--although the office lady knew I was there. Someone did find me and I had to answer for that truck, but I didn't really know anything and didn't really know how I was responsible since I hadn't done anything, but you have to be accountable anyway, so I stepped up to it. Weird dreams, as usual. Yesterday I had some very long dream passages that were still clear to me even over an hour past waking, although I had not spent time reviewing them. I told Mr all about them. I'm so glad he listens to such nonsense. It is a real world for me. I experience this other world all night long and wake to the world of continuity. When the real world gets bad for me (which it is not at the moment at all) I enjoy escaping to my fake world where you never know what will happen---that is particularly fun if life is in a dull era.

I got up and read the paper. It wasn't as interesting today as it can be. But there was a good article on end times. The three religions preparing for the end of the world. Of note--a jewish priest type guy working on the rebuilding of the temple told the reporter that when the temple was built, "Islam is over."
from the article---
However, when asked to comment on the fate on non-christians upon the Second Coming of Jesus, he said, "That's a very embarrassing question. What can I tell you? That's a very terrible Christian idea. What kind of religion is it that expects another religion will be destroyed?"

He doesn't seem to mind Islam ending.

There was another article on Singapore having a biotech research park where serious equipment and funding encourage companies and individuals to work on cutting edge discoveries.
Another about Americans who do not take their vacations (that would be Mr---although he actually takes vacations, but it is difficult for him unless it is combined with work).
There was a little article about Lake Pflugerville--which is SUCH a joke---hardly an enjoyable nature retreat! They really talked it up in the article, but I for one am embarrassed to see what represents our little community. Ouch!

Not really any good sales to run after. I guess I am still vacillating about the furniture. Mr suggested using his desk (huge), our formal dining (also huge), and then I was going to take two matching velvet/chenille type chairs with an ottoman---but they are out of my bedroom and in the TV room and the children have already done more to them in a brief time (six months?) than the six years they've been here.
So I may want new ones.

Still unsure about lamps. Maybe I should get mom's lamps. I was asking her about one, but she didn't know which ones I meant, so I'll draw them.

and I think I should go back to the target table for the desk.
maybe we'll store Mr.'s desk if it is too big to stay here or something.

I've got all my books in my room and they all fit in my two big bookcases. I've got them all sorted by type---Hooray!

I am going to go jog on the treadmill before I go to church this morning. K is going to try the new church.

CANNOT BELIEVE I AM THE MOTHER OF A 22 YEAR OLD!!!

His birthday went well, Mr took him and two friends golfing then we went to dinner at a burger place--all of us family and the two friends---then the boys played video games Xbox360 until it was time for Superman movie--Mr took them all. (girls and I went to mall briefly). Then the young guys (all over 21) went out together until about 2am when K was locked out and so Mr had to get up and let him in.

Today we'll go to PF Changs after church because S and I were counting on PF yesterday but the guys didn't want to go to a nice place when they were stinky from golf. Mr showered, of course, but the guys stayed in their same clothes (can you say "Yuck!" with me?).

L has to go to work, so she cannot go to church. I still haven't gotten to go to church with all of us in so long! I thought it would be today because K said he could go today---but then L had to work.
Oh well!

S has to read Sidhartha for school and I FINALLY remembered to make her sit down and do it.
She got through 12 pages. She's going to have to take her medicine in order to read it. I won't make her take it today because we're going to PF Chang's and the meds make her not hungry. So tomorrow I will wake her, make her take it and then see how much she can read. She figured out that she can read 12 pages a day and she can read it within so many days. I at least made her write out what she read about in those 12 pages. She said, "Gosh Mom! You are going to make me HATE it!!" I said, "Sarah, you are going to hate it anyway, but I'm going to help you REMEMBER it!" She later said she did want to remember what she read, so she went back to the first pages and started from the beginning because she had forgotten the part she read last month. Good job! I was pleased with that attitude.

off to exercise!

Saturday

Well, I've had some great time with friends who were not overly materialistic or style conscious. How I wish I could be less shallow.
Today I am going to go shopping with Laura and we want to go see "The Devil Wears Prada" (which is okay since it won't be a REAL devil, just a little devil in a person making her act like a devil----little religious aside there...)
Anyway......what part of language are words like "well", "anyway", "So" and other such words that I tend to prefer to begin my paragraphs with?
but back to the style issues.

I'm so shallow! I want to be so much deeper in the Lord (although I do love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! but I've got a few purses and shoes mixing it up with Him in there, not too good). I want to ponder the humanity of the earth, the afterworld, our existence, how to serve the poor, our relationship to the Lord, and our accountability before Him when we stand before Him according to Rev. 20:13 (I'm guessing, so don't quote me on that).

Yet, I have to accept who I am, shallow and all, because it is fruitless to sit around and whine about it (not that I am ever opposed to whining, except when someone criticizes whining so I know to keep my mouth shut). I am eager to win approval. This I have changed profoundly, but as I face a new culture, I find myself wanting to conform to a culture I have no knowledge of. (not supposed to end sentences with "of"). I am so full of "shoulds", as well. When they aren't the stuff of life, they do not build, they constrain and tear down. The world can be free. Without going alternate religion, there are scriptures such as Psalm....yikes, I forgot....not 121, not 18, I can't remember right now----the one that says, He makes my feet like the feet of a hind (to explore the high places) but it also says, "You broaden the path beneath me so that my feet do not slip".
It is true that Jesus said the way is narrow and their are few who find it, yet David said that God broadens the path beneath our feet. I think that has to do with the Love relationship, but all my philosophising (philosophizing?) will mean nothing when I stand before the Lord in Truth and we will see what HIS theology is. My understandings will mean nothing, yet what I have done by faith will be accounted to me and whatever is not of faith is sin---so I'll have a lot of that, too.

Got into an interesting dicussion with D on our day trip to Salado for J's birthday. D was quite insistent that we had to stand opposed to gay marriage. She had even gone doorknocking in her neighborhood. Therefore, she was distressed when J and I both had contradictory arguments. Mainly, I have taken a passive stance, which I do understand is a stance nonetheless. Still, when pushed to make an either/or decision, I vote with the religious right against homosexual marriage. For the most part, however, I have not done anything. Mainly because I have not been as politically inclined as my church brothers and sisters. I am interested in feeding the poor and I am against abortion, although I think we are fighting too extreme to go for NO abortion. None of this goes over well with my Jesus sisters.

J's position is that the government has NO right to tell us anything about marriage since it is part of our religion. It is one thing if anyone wants a civil union, but marriage in a Christian church is a Christian institution and the government should be not saying anything. She is more libertarian.
I am more in question of how gay marriage "destroys" my marriage, because I do not think that other people's marriage calls my marriage into any question. However, I do not appreciate people saying that companies should have to pay insurance for someone they live with as a partner and I don't think that just because you want someone sexually, it should be legally sanctioned. We can have all the relationships we want with or without government sanction. I think that for insurance purposes, you should have to have some legal binding relationship to someone in order to legally get insurance benefits. It costs the economy and the business to give those benefits. As a former small business, it was a serious handicap to have to give all those benefits to workers and it took us down. We could not afford the payroll, taxes, social security, etc. So I am against gay marriage for that reason, not because I think it hurts my marriage. People LIVING together is worse in my mind in terms of moral issues with my children because it is a social norm now that encourages men to have non-legal connections to my daughters who may become dependent on them through childbearing, but I am glad that they make fathers pay child support now.
Also, I hate that women who are on welfare cannot marry their boyfriends because their benefits will be so reduced that the couple cannot afford to marry. If the government is so upset about marriage, why can't they make it possible for these girls to get legal protection in marriage and still be supported? They suffer in poverty just trying to make it and they are very welfare dependent and the babies keep coming. They want these babies, so it is not about abortion or birth control, unfortunately for those who try to say that is an argument. The poor WANT to continue to procreate and the rich just can't stand that! I feel that the discussion should go more in THAT direction. Poor girls are pushed into abortions and they are pressured to yield their children in adoption so that the rich can have their little ones ----which they waited too long to work on because they wanted their education and their nice homes and cars first (not that I am really against that--it is my hope for my daughters---but I get doubleminded when I worry about their fertility----I sure want some grandchildren! So if I get them too early, at this point I cannot say it would be too disappointing--I would enjoy it and be sad for my children but know it is do-able).
For my friends who are up in arms at some of my statements, "Hey! We can't agree on everything, right? We agree on the most important things."

But you know, sometimes people are so caught up in their own views as to think you are evil for not sharing them. I'm not saying my friends are like that! I just know that when you discuss morals, values, the rich/the poor, and such----things get heated and some people come away angry.

When we were discussing marriage, I made sure that D was okay, because we upset her by our attitudes, which she hoped to change. I went ahead and went to a rally about marriage where there were gay demonstrators and I was really pleased with the way our side behaved, because some extremists usually offend me by their poor communication abilities and that did not occur. It was interesting to see the gay couples come out and mingle with us, arms interlocked, with signs. Some genuine and some just to shock. As I watched them and pondered the whole thing, it was a deep experience. So there---I was deep for a moment.

But most of the time lately, without an impassioned cause or something new to learn about....I am often thinking about clothes, furniture, my skin, my weight (although I have really decided to just forget about that one and go back to trying to focus on healthy and on activity since the diet thing brings me down!).

I look at Nordstroms for shoes, purses or Crate and Barrel for furniture and such. I check Target all the time, trying to be cost conscious. But when I was looking at purses at target yesterday and looking at shoes because I thought I might try cheaper shoes since I've been looking at expensive shoes and expensive purses and not finding what I like that works for me---but often the prices are so outlandish that it doesn't seem worth anything.
I thought if I looked at Target, I could just imagine it was some name brand shoe (actually, at Target there are many shoes that are fashioned after name brand best sellers) or imagine it was a $1000 purse (chanel or prada or something) and then see what I thought of the design.
But always it was the MATERIAL that turned me off! The designs were good. I liked them. An example, though, is some great looking cowboy type boots that L tried on. They looked so vinyl. Sheesh. I told her to pay higher price for her boots.

There was a cute Isaac Mizrah navy and white tote, but that was ALL that I really liked in the purses because they were so cheapy looking. I was sad about it. It's like I am too average for the nice stuff and too uppity for the average stuff. What's up with me?
I just think since I'm 40+ that I do not want to be wearing vinyl shoes unless they are really cute and do not look vinyl.

and now I want to have this garage sale to get rid of so much of my nice stuff that just doesn't suit me now----I hope that I can find current type stuff to replace it.
So I can SEE how shallow I am----and ya know? You always hope to be changing your character for the better----improving in love for mankind and maturity.
Well, I guess that is not me.

I do not think that materialism is the stuff of life. I think it is a gross alternate religion and it seems that I am trying to be some priestess? God help me! Save me from myself.

Mr. sits across from me reading the paper and now he's looked up. He smiles at me like we are talking. I told him I was writing about him, describing him, He says, "Smiling? Happy? With you (dramatically spoken) loving me desperately.....?" and gets up, blows his nose and gets some coffee. ha ha ha.
he's funny.

He's taking K to the golf green today with two of his friends to golf 18 holes. Tonight we will all go to PF Changs.

So we'll see what my entry says after I watch "The Devil Wears Prada".