Leadership

What is it that draws someone to leadership? Lately, I have been contemplating so much about leadership, particularly in the church. I've already written that I see it as servanthood. But analyzing others have helped me grow more sensitive to what I've seen in myself.
I had supposed that I had learned, at this most recent church, to be a Christian without having to have an identity as a leader. But.....I still see this as a temptation.
At the retreat, I would find myself actually thinking horrid thoughts like...."Now don't get too extreme in worship because leaders are bold but also conservative."...........what kind of hellish thinking is that? Or......."Can they tell I am leadership material?"............oh God forgive me!.......and then when I was there, I saw a woman who was in my Bible study group in the past, and really enjoyed it and was ministered to greatly. I found myself thinking, "Aha! She'll tell them how she knows me!".........each time I thought such foolishness, I was shocked at myself---and then NOT. Yes, my flesh wants to rule.

Leadership is NOT "being above" or "mature", it is SERVICE! Love and compassion. So, when checking motives, it there a desire to be honored? a desire to have others come for advice or counsel? Is there a desire to OFFER counsel?
I've learned from PSYCHOLOGY (a godless science at times) that the desire to influence is the desire for POWER.
Yes we can be fooling ourselves into thinking we want to help when we are power hungry. In likely need of repentance.

We need to be drawn by COMPASSION. Oh how simple a word, but it is the hired hand who runs off when the wolf strikes. The shepherd gives his life for the sheep. But the hired hand does not want to be injured, does not want the work, does not want the pain, does not want the controversy. The hired hand wants the money that goes to the sheep watcher, that's all.

and so, in ministry, there is such a cost. Such a need to be humble, transparent, ready to admit flaws.....and since I know I have not gotten there---I should not be in a place of ministry. It must only be when there is compassion for the people -----and that compassion is hard to come by.

So when I measure myself in this way, I come up short.

I have led so many times and it did teach me a lot. But then NOT leading after leading was the far better lesson in humility.
and as I enter this new church, Oh how I want to be a servant and NOT a "leader". I have such a desire to influence and I really want to nurture the part that is full of compassion and kill the part that merely desires respect.

YET, I do always want to be worthy of respect.....living a life of godliness that does not draw criticism, but wins the respect of outsiders--as the Bible says. I want my light to shine. And I am a serious evangelist for the heart of the believer---and I'd like to grow to the place where I can share the life of Jesus and His death on the cross/resurrection with unbelievers (I'm pretty hit and miss about that).
Yet never let it be about ME, about putting evangelistic notches in my belt.

I want to say emphatically that Christians who do that make me BARF!!! and I think they kill something of the love in the universe (and no, I am not getting all new agey when I write that!)
Just that, do you love? Brothers and sisters, do we LOVE? If it is not love, then what is it? If it is the flesh, then it kills. Do you really want to go around killing people with Jesus? How off is that?
In one place, Jesus says whoever is not with him, scatters-----and in another place he says whoever is not against him is with him-----------so I leave that to others to sort out. Except that there MAY be a place in the kingdom for those who witness of Jesus for selfish reasons, as Paul points out---so I try not to get ballistic on this note.

but my headache has come back again, or pain in my neck. So maybe the best thing is not to be on here blogging, but I've watched two episodes of "House" and you know I am not well when I am watching loads of TV, but I was trying to pass time until I could go to bed again.

Perhaps I am just stressed about the upcoming transition. But I've got to get my hubby to bed because he has a hard time getting up in the morning.
On notes like this I wish I had the whole blog opened up for comments, but then I'd likely get upset with some stranger commenting rubbish back to me. So my friends know where to find me on email.

Christ is Risen! He is Risen Indeed! (Easter greeting between Christians)