Saturday

Well, I've had some great time with friends who were not overly materialistic or style conscious. How I wish I could be less shallow.
Today I am going to go shopping with Laura and we want to go see "The Devil Wears Prada" (which is okay since it won't be a REAL devil, just a little devil in a person making her act like a devil----little religious aside there...)
Anyway......what part of language are words like "well", "anyway", "So" and other such words that I tend to prefer to begin my paragraphs with?
but back to the style issues.

I'm so shallow! I want to be so much deeper in the Lord (although I do love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! but I've got a few purses and shoes mixing it up with Him in there, not too good). I want to ponder the humanity of the earth, the afterworld, our existence, how to serve the poor, our relationship to the Lord, and our accountability before Him when we stand before Him according to Rev. 20:13 (I'm guessing, so don't quote me on that).

Yet, I have to accept who I am, shallow and all, because it is fruitless to sit around and whine about it (not that I am ever opposed to whining, except when someone criticizes whining so I know to keep my mouth shut). I am eager to win approval. This I have changed profoundly, but as I face a new culture, I find myself wanting to conform to a culture I have no knowledge of. (not supposed to end sentences with "of"). I am so full of "shoulds", as well. When they aren't the stuff of life, they do not build, they constrain and tear down. The world can be free. Without going alternate religion, there are scriptures such as Psalm....yikes, I forgot....not 121, not 18, I can't remember right now----the one that says, He makes my feet like the feet of a hind (to explore the high places) but it also says, "You broaden the path beneath me so that my feet do not slip".
It is true that Jesus said the way is narrow and their are few who find it, yet David said that God broadens the path beneath our feet. I think that has to do with the Love relationship, but all my philosophising (philosophizing?) will mean nothing when I stand before the Lord in Truth and we will see what HIS theology is. My understandings will mean nothing, yet what I have done by faith will be accounted to me and whatever is not of faith is sin---so I'll have a lot of that, too.

Got into an interesting dicussion with D on our day trip to Salado for J's birthday. D was quite insistent that we had to stand opposed to gay marriage. She had even gone doorknocking in her neighborhood. Therefore, she was distressed when J and I both had contradictory arguments. Mainly, I have taken a passive stance, which I do understand is a stance nonetheless. Still, when pushed to make an either/or decision, I vote with the religious right against homosexual marriage. For the most part, however, I have not done anything. Mainly because I have not been as politically inclined as my church brothers and sisters. I am interested in feeding the poor and I am against abortion, although I think we are fighting too extreme to go for NO abortion. None of this goes over well with my Jesus sisters.

J's position is that the government has NO right to tell us anything about marriage since it is part of our religion. It is one thing if anyone wants a civil union, but marriage in a Christian church is a Christian institution and the government should be not saying anything. She is more libertarian.
I am more in question of how gay marriage "destroys" my marriage, because I do not think that other people's marriage calls my marriage into any question. However, I do not appreciate people saying that companies should have to pay insurance for someone they live with as a partner and I don't think that just because you want someone sexually, it should be legally sanctioned. We can have all the relationships we want with or without government sanction. I think that for insurance purposes, you should have to have some legal binding relationship to someone in order to legally get insurance benefits. It costs the economy and the business to give those benefits. As a former small business, it was a serious handicap to have to give all those benefits to workers and it took us down. We could not afford the payroll, taxes, social security, etc. So I am against gay marriage for that reason, not because I think it hurts my marriage. People LIVING together is worse in my mind in terms of moral issues with my children because it is a social norm now that encourages men to have non-legal connections to my daughters who may become dependent on them through childbearing, but I am glad that they make fathers pay child support now.
Also, I hate that women who are on welfare cannot marry their boyfriends because their benefits will be so reduced that the couple cannot afford to marry. If the government is so upset about marriage, why can't they make it possible for these girls to get legal protection in marriage and still be supported? They suffer in poverty just trying to make it and they are very welfare dependent and the babies keep coming. They want these babies, so it is not about abortion or birth control, unfortunately for those who try to say that is an argument. The poor WANT to continue to procreate and the rich just can't stand that! I feel that the discussion should go more in THAT direction. Poor girls are pushed into abortions and they are pressured to yield their children in adoption so that the rich can have their little ones ----which they waited too long to work on because they wanted their education and their nice homes and cars first (not that I am really against that--it is my hope for my daughters---but I get doubleminded when I worry about their fertility----I sure want some grandchildren! So if I get them too early, at this point I cannot say it would be too disappointing--I would enjoy it and be sad for my children but know it is do-able).
For my friends who are up in arms at some of my statements, "Hey! We can't agree on everything, right? We agree on the most important things."

But you know, sometimes people are so caught up in their own views as to think you are evil for not sharing them. I'm not saying my friends are like that! I just know that when you discuss morals, values, the rich/the poor, and such----things get heated and some people come away angry.

When we were discussing marriage, I made sure that D was okay, because we upset her by our attitudes, which she hoped to change. I went ahead and went to a rally about marriage where there were gay demonstrators and I was really pleased with the way our side behaved, because some extremists usually offend me by their poor communication abilities and that did not occur. It was interesting to see the gay couples come out and mingle with us, arms interlocked, with signs. Some genuine and some just to shock. As I watched them and pondered the whole thing, it was a deep experience. So there---I was deep for a moment.

But most of the time lately, without an impassioned cause or something new to learn about....I am often thinking about clothes, furniture, my skin, my weight (although I have really decided to just forget about that one and go back to trying to focus on healthy and on activity since the diet thing brings me down!).

I look at Nordstroms for shoes, purses or Crate and Barrel for furniture and such. I check Target all the time, trying to be cost conscious. But when I was looking at purses at target yesterday and looking at shoes because I thought I might try cheaper shoes since I've been looking at expensive shoes and expensive purses and not finding what I like that works for me---but often the prices are so outlandish that it doesn't seem worth anything.
I thought if I looked at Target, I could just imagine it was some name brand shoe (actually, at Target there are many shoes that are fashioned after name brand best sellers) or imagine it was a $1000 purse (chanel or prada or something) and then see what I thought of the design.
But always it was the MATERIAL that turned me off! The designs were good. I liked them. An example, though, is some great looking cowboy type boots that L tried on. They looked so vinyl. Sheesh. I told her to pay higher price for her boots.

There was a cute Isaac Mizrah navy and white tote, but that was ALL that I really liked in the purses because they were so cheapy looking. I was sad about it. It's like I am too average for the nice stuff and too uppity for the average stuff. What's up with me?
I just think since I'm 40+ that I do not want to be wearing vinyl shoes unless they are really cute and do not look vinyl.

and now I want to have this garage sale to get rid of so much of my nice stuff that just doesn't suit me now----I hope that I can find current type stuff to replace it.
So I can SEE how shallow I am----and ya know? You always hope to be changing your character for the better----improving in love for mankind and maturity.
Well, I guess that is not me.

I do not think that materialism is the stuff of life. I think it is a gross alternate religion and it seems that I am trying to be some priestess? God help me! Save me from myself.

Mr. sits across from me reading the paper and now he's looked up. He smiles at me like we are talking. I told him I was writing about him, describing him, He says, "Smiling? Happy? With you (dramatically spoken) loving me desperately.....?" and gets up, blows his nose and gets some coffee. ha ha ha.
he's funny.

He's taking K to the golf green today with two of his friends to golf 18 holes. Tonight we will all go to PF Changs.

So we'll see what my entry says after I watch "The Devil Wears Prada".