Saturday PM
My days have slowed a bit. I took last Saturday off and I took this Saturday off. But then some things came up.
I meant to just pray and read my Bible all day long. I wanted serious spiritual and emotional preparation for Sunday and I wanted God to see my deep intentions by my actions. I wanted to prove my heart. I wanted to invest in the Kingdom.
I spent a few hours in the morning worshipping after worshipping for a few hours before falling asleep last night. I have music on my IPod and music on my IPhone and I had them both charged up. I used some little battery operated speakers that Laura won at a sales conference--they work great! I also used my headphones. I went into the sanctuary to pray throughout the room and worship. It was amazing. What a great way to start a day. I wish I had my own large church sanctuary at home! It made me consider putting in TGD chapels wherever we have a building so that our people can begin each day in prayer together and in worship. Then maybe I should give the workers some tea in the morning and maybe bread with butter (they like margarine sandwiches.)
Then I had to do discuss finances with Henry (who was at work early and working all day, as usual. After that, I arranged with Rose to get someone to buy the remaining foodstuffs at the market so I could feed the orphans who were coming. Transportation is too difficult for some and too costly. I am prepared to pay for them to all come to church--this special meal is an opportunity to get current photos and to get them prayed over. I want them blessed.
I love trying to find good things to do for people. I love sharing out of my abundance. I just get so much joy out of everything I do here! oh and then the electricity went out today for hours. HOURS. Hours and hours. I need so much electricity!
I have a fan. I really love the sound of fans. It calms me. Steve always had to have a fan on him in the night and now I am so used to it that I hate to go without it. I hear my breathing like its booming through a speaker. Every wiggle and creak disturbs me. I love the fan. Then there are all the things I need to charge. Plus a blow dryer and hot rollers needing power. There is the FRIDGE! i have milk and coke in there and often some meat. (oh when I get home I want to eat vegetables. like Pappadeaux steamed broc! my own carrots. some frozen micro corn. HEB steam in bag green beans. Fajitas with onions and green peppers! LETTUCE AND TOMATOES! I could eat tomatoes here but they worry me. I eat some fruit--oranges, pineapples, and an occasional watermelon. Tomorrow I am having chicken thighs, rice, chapati (tortillas), oranges, corn on the cob, tang drink (i found something here with vitamin C! mostly the drinks are expensive juices or cheap fruity watery sugar drinks or sodas. We’ll have some candy for the kids. I will make sure they give me all the trash! There is a terrible problem with littering here. People just walk along and throw stuff down. Hence, trash piles all around.
In the little town areas, they dig holes and throw all their trash into it. but the ones I saw were not deep. and think about how much trash we make! even they do, too! (not anything like me....drinking bottled water every day! horrors! it really makes me think about the environment here!)
okay, i’m off to pray. Love and blessings. I’m like a college kid.....”Send money!” The needs are so great here but the ability we have to help is also great. Are you spending on yourself? or helping the poor? and what is your percentage of giving? If you are in debt for yourself, go into debt for eternal things. you will always pay yourself first but go buy something else. Give more. You have plenty! You don’t even need all you have and you are paying so much money to maintain it all. Live a life of love. Take up your cross. Remember the orphans and widows in their distress and keep yourself from being polluted by the world. Will you repent? Would you rather harden your heart against Jesus? What does Jesus ask of you? Sure, I have needs right now. but you know, your eternal state is far more important than the earthy work I’m doing. I pray you love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength and love your neighbor as yourself.
Sunday JUNE 27
The apostle came today. I was prepared. I had communion. I had annointing oil. I had the pots of dirt. I had washing bins prepared for washing hands before communion and I had towels. I had the orphans coming. Turned out there were 11 out of 22. I had a big meal prepared for them which Anne and Doreen cooked, served, and cleaned. Sometimes I can tell people help me because they hope to be paid (I cannot fault anyone for that! They are DOING something--not just asking for a handout.) But I am always thankful for helpful people and I try to be one. sometimes circumstances don’t permit us to help someone that we love! even in the USA, you want to help someone, they live across town, you are not up to date on their daily life, then you discover they went through something terrible and didn’t even tell you. You long to have been there for them....but even as you think back, maybe that was when you were overwhelmed yourself! I hate that. Really hate that. and I love when I can help someone. Even small things that might go unnoticed. It is just good to be a blessing to people instead of bringing them down. Certainly we all have so many things worthy of criticism--and I am so thankful for my friends who not only put up with me--but even AFFIRM me. (thank you and I love you!) I try not to criticize, but we do need to correct each other. If you love me, you will correct me. I will know if you are trying to do the right thing. Even if I don’t take your advice, I know it is risky to tell someone anything contrary to whatever they are thinking. How many times have you allowed someone to cut down her husband? Even me! Sure, you can listen to burdens, but we need to steer that towards something beneficial and teach each other to bless. Prayerfully, we can say something like. I thank God that my dog is going to learn how to only go potty OUTSIDE! I am working on this myself. Oh please correct my mouth! NO! I do not need a pity party and neither do you! How about you come to Kenya and see how good you have it. Seriously. I am not likely to put up with ANY whining! While I am here, anyway, my whining is practically nil. Stop thinking you are so important. Start thinking of others. Put others needs at the same level you put your own. Can you imagine? Jesus said so! He wants you to obey! and you know what? I always want to be corrected in Jesus. I always want to be guided to what the Word of God says.
Let’s not be like everyone else. Let’s go higher. Let’s be like Jesus. Let’s look to Him as our standard. Let’s only look at Him. Don’t look away when someone laughs because you are looking at Him as your standard. Just keep looking at Him. Where are they headed, anyway?
I was in the sanctuary yesterday praying. Undoubtedly, people saw me and watched me. There are windows everywhere here for ventilation. I worshipped openly and extravagantly. Surely some would think it was just for show! Some people don’t have worship in their heart and they cannot imagine you mean it. They assume you are just a show off wanting attention. Oh my Lord Jesus who is worthy and amazing! If they knew Jesus, they would get out of their chair, off their couch, out from the computer and dance! They would sing! They would shout! but they don’t really love Him. They just want to do other things. Don’t let them deter YOU! Let them do their other things! You go to Jesus!
Today people were called upon to ask for prayer. You know, if you are afraid to go up in church, then how can you stand against the world? In the church, going up for prayer is normal and accepted. So if you cannot go with the flow of Christians, how do you go AGAINST the flow of the world? I seem like such a crazy woman to some people.
WEDNESDAY JUNE 30TH
I have blogged on the website. I blogged on Monday and then got on today with yesterdays writings and wrote some today. My mind goes blank because it is always just thinking of WHAT I HAVE TO DO NEXT and to remember what I have done is less available in my memory.
One thing I did not blog yet was my first difficulty with Immanuel and Sammy. I usually enjoy their energy and am not bothered when they are playing near me. I like talking to them and reading English or Swahili together. Today I saw Immanuel playing with the metal bowls for the building. I called to him and he ran around the building with it. So I figured I better go down and check on him and ask him to stay away from the building materials (for the 10th time, but I know how boys can be.) As I came down, I saw Sammy on the metal rods with special wire ties in his hands. Now I need those ties. And he can be hurt playing on the rods. I told him to put it down and he threw it and ran away. I went inside to tell them that I have asked them to stop playing with the building materials. I explained kindly that if they did it again, I would have to tell their father. I have not really chosen to “tell on them” because they have usually listened when I’ve told them to stop this or that, please. But Sammy refused to speak to me. I had Anne translate just to be certain and still he ignored me with his back to me. So then I wanted him to turn around and tell me he was sorry. He would not do it. Finally, he did say he was sorry in Luhya (because I didn’t understand it.) and I asked Anne what he said. But he would not turn around and look at me. He was not in any way sorry or repentant. He was mad and embarrassed and refused to be respectful even though I was respectful. So of course, I had to tell Daddy. It just would be so much easier if we as children of God would repent to one another. What lessons could we avoid if we were repentant!?! I take this message to heart myself and tonight I will seek God regarding where I may need to repent in my heart and in my actions.
Also, I had visitor today. OH MY GOODNESS, have I mentioned that two women came by to meet with me. They had a need. Well, I am inundated with people coming to me “with a need” and so I was kind but maybe a little too polite. I was waiting for the sob story (but truly there are so many terrible stories) Then it turned out they wanted prayer because they were barren. i felt so horrible. oh my goodness, I can pray for ANYONE ANYTIME! but all of a sudden I had no faith, NONE. Because I had been hardening my heart a little so that I could deal with the onslaught of compassion that threatens to pull me under the waves. Now I needed to extend serious spiritual energy to God and towards these women? Oh Jesus help me. At first, I threw my head down into my hands and covered my mouth as I came back up saying I cannot pray! I have no faith! Then I could not even believe i said such a thing! and out loud! I repented quickly. I focused on God (He has all the power anyway...so what does it matter about me?) and I believe in the power of God and the prayers of the saints. So I prayed. God bless them. They cannot be too fond of me. I grieve over my behavior. That surely needs repentance.
But also, today one of the early workers at the preschool came. She really wants to work at the preschool. She must send me an email or a letter every few months. I have told her---we do not own Cornerstone Preschool! You have got to work it out with Bishop Titus. But she seems to think she can tell on Titus and get him in trouble with me. Ha! I don’t think so! I’ve seen plenty of disgruntled Christians who think they are leaders trying to tell other people what to do--and getting angry for disobedience. Therefore, I am not the least bit moved. And those people often spread rumors or gossip and try to bring people down. I want to work with BLESSORS! I want to BE a blessor! (blesser?) Blesser! I want to bless even the ones who accuse! I want to bless even the ones who want to lord it over! So what could I tell her? I greeted her. I knew what she was here for. I let her do the talking. I made her uncomfortable, yes, but I knew her motives because she has written to me over and over telling me how Titus won’t let her run things and now even won’t let her work there. Sorry. I am in agreement with him and bless him. He is doing good work all over this community and even if he is getting things wrong sometimes (as I am) we are together in our vision for good work and we will not be dismayed by any weakness in ourselves or others (Titus, if you are reading this. Aren’t you glad I mentioned about the boys to you before I wrote it on a blog?! ha ha! and also, you know whom I mean and I think we just continue to pray blessings for her. I am sharing with everyone so they understand some of the controversies here.)
She wanted to know, also, about the orphanage. I explained we have no orphanage if no one supports it. I cannot support the orphanage out of my own funds. I need committed givers. Until God moves on hearts to give generously, there is no orphan project. I am laboring with Pastor Joseph and Catherine and the programmers to get these children profiled, photographed, videoed, written about, and posted on the web. That’s all I can do! I have to stop at 20-22 children even though pastors want to add this one or that one and people frequently tell me , “this child is an orphan” and then tell you the story.
Doreen works for Titus in the house. She also works for the school....I have mentioned this. I went with the apostle to bless the widow who has agreed to move for $3500. He kept saying things on Sunday or praying, “God worry the person who won’t work with the servant of God.” and just other things implying that they were fighting against me and it would not go well with them. WELL! I only want to bless! I’d be a crazy ungodly woman who would DARE try to steal away a widow’s home by pressuring her or undercutting her price. So I told him later, “Come with me to meet her and please pray blessing.” and so he did. I got to meet Doreen’s husband, Brandon, who works for me on the building, but I tend to be watching my step when I go outside and they are usually up on the roof a little far from the walkway. It’s so bright you have to squint and you need to know a person well before you can tell who is who. I have never seen him even though I have begun to recognize so many of the workers. Right after I met him, though, I saw him out there. That was Sunday. I have seen him every day since. Cracks me up. Anyway, meeting his mother (the widow) went wonderful and she received the blessing. I appreciate her. She seems to be a wonderful, kind, loving woman. I pray she is a wonderful mother in law. The young girl living with them came into the room with little Sasha, the adorable. Sasha greeted me. (OH YEAH! little sweetheart!) Then the widow told me that this girl was her daughter’s child. Her daughter died just three months after the baby was born. THREE MONTHS! Man, that is hideous. So this girl knows no mother or father. She’s a sweet girl, under 14. Maybe about 12. She attractive and quiet, but always her face is quite open to me. I did not know she was an orphan. I did not know who she was, but I had seen her on the compound over by Evelyn and Wycliffe’s home. She greeted me with friendly smiles. I later found out she lived in the home with Doreen, so I sent her a gift of some pretty flip flop type sandals from Old Navy. I got them for $5 or less. They are gold! I love them! but the sole is very thin and one day I was super duper hot. I put them on because they are so cute. They seemed to heat my feet. FORGET EM! so I figured I’d give them away and I decided on her. Well, I was thankful I had sent a gift now that I found out her story. Makes you just want to reach out, draw the child to you (even though she is as tall as I am) and give them a deep hug in your bosom. All the way from your core into theirs. But I don’t do it. and I try not to pity. But just love them and feel the pain of it for a minute and believe hopefully for their future. I say something aloud that is like a life blessing.
It’s so hard here sometimes. I am not sure I should bring anyone here. I am both too busy and too unbusy. I guess Americans want to be useful. God has seriously taught me how to be useful and how to just BE. I was actually forced to just BE for so many years. It was tough on me, but I am so thankful for it now! It was a real schooldesk for life with Jesus. While I am here, there is so much to do. I work most of the time, all the day through and collapse in bed. I loathe the time eating or dressing because it takes SO LONG. But there are so many times of waiting here. You have to yield to it. My job in Jesus on some days is to wait. and so I wait peacefully. Maybe it is because I am becoming a Kenyan on Kenyan time. That is life here. and I praise God for life here. I spent years feeling unfruitful and God proved to me continually then that my fruit was my intercession and worship. My fruit was Bible study and devotion. My fruit was sitting in His presence. Now, I am bearing fruit that I’ve waited so long for....everything else just pales to me. (not my Vineyard women’s group. I love you women and I will always love you forever!) and my early church life at New Life was such a precious garden for nurture. So many real Christians showing me the way, the truth, the life, the LORD. I pray I have shown Jesus to those who came later. I pray that the people who have known me came away knowing Jesus a little more. Or knowing His Word, or His ways. and I pray we laughed and loved each other. I’m thankful for the time spent in true heart fellowship. All the sisters of my heart, I love you!
I thank GOD for the Word sown in my heart and for His Ways! I praise Him for who He is! and that He enabled me to know Him. Me, a veritable nothing. A true weakling. A whimpering fool. He saved me! He changed me! He continues to grow me! I am just changing and I love it! I love sharing with the students. I have loved sharing at the churches, but having church in the classroom with 20 somethings happens to be THE VERY REASON I WENT TO NORTHWESTERN! It is as if God has given me the college professorship AND given me extraordinary sidekick teachers to do all the work! Oh yeah! I am just the inspiration engine building on the platform of Jesus as a foundation already laid by the workers here. Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord. Our God is an awesome God.
I know. I use my exclamations too often, right? Life is an exclamation. Jesus is all caps, exclamations and italics, probably some special colors and fonts, too, with video additions that have closed captioning for the hearing impaired. ( I enjoy reading my movies. and I only watch movies that are not an offense to Jesus and His Word which means no sex- no nudity! and no magic. That does not leave a lot to choose from.)
I am sitting up in the office alone. I should have tried this before. I feel like I am talking to you. But you never say anything! that’s frustrating! what are you thinking? I’d like a conversation. I wanted even to have a fund raising party and that would give people a chance to talk to me as we showed videos and pictures. But I ran out of time and I saved the money--I could not find an appropriate venue large enough but low cost. I miss Steve. I miss the children. I miss the puppies and Lilykins. I don’t know how Sarah is doing without her kitty, KipKip, Kippie, aka April.... We have had so little communication due to cost. We had to put her precious baby to sleep before we came. It was horrible for her but we didn’t want her to suffer alone and possibly die while Sarah was in Kenya. So it was good timing when she took a turn for the worst so that we didn’t accidentally leave her and come home to find her in great pain or having died in great pain. Oh it is sad to think about. She was 13. Most of Sarah’s life.
Kevin has a birthday tomorrow. My baby! 26 years old. Is this possible? I guess it is! I just never can believe I am so old now. I don’t feel old. I don’t think old. i don’t think I look as old as I am. But even if I looked 80--I just can’t believe I’m a person over 40. It feels just the same as 25--yet I know Kevin is my child and he’s a man, therefore, I must be an old person. Ha ha. who cares? not me. I’m sad I am not with Kevin to celebrate HIM! I don’t even know if he’s going to do anything. By the time you turn 26, what is a birthday? It just starts to
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