Not a good day. Woke up crying from a dream that there was cocaine stuff in L's dorm room ---it was someone else's---but when I confronted her, she just blew it off because "everyone" does it. In real waking life, she told me that all the girls at her school do it to be skinny. (they also throw up all their food---Laura did not appear to be doing either).She keeps wanting to die and it is rubbing off on me. My own personal strength is ebbing. I headed to church on Sunday just as the in-laws pulled up into the driveway--I lost the opportunity to go. I am searching for that inner strength and relying on God to get me through. I am exhausted. I do not know how to recharge right now.
She will be home all week. In fact, we have to leave her on Thursday to go to Colorado for a vball tournament for S. She will have a friend come stay with her and we will get K to come stay at the house.....but we will worry about her.
We have to wonder if we should let her go back to the same college in the fall. Maybe she needs to stay here. She needs counseling and has not yet set up the appointment at school. I tried to do it for her, but they wouldn't let me---confidentiality. (oh brother)
I have plenty of homework that keeps getting farther and farther behind. On one hand, I know that I can get to a deadline and God will pull some miracles for me---but I prefer to work ahead so that I have wiggle room when life hits. Yet, I have now lost all wiggle room and am feeling extremely behind.
I dropped one voluntary project, to the disappointment of a professor, but I still have two classes left (finished the third with an A! Still have a 4.0) and two big projects. Within those four commitments is one big experiment, a long observation of four different aged children, the papers for both of those, a large wall sized poster representation of the face research I did in the summer and a big time re-write of the research I did in the fall with the life episodes and personality. All this finished within a month. And L needs to stay home most days. I can't conceive of when I can get the neccessary time alone to accomplish all of that. I need HOURS AND HOURS to write papers---I'm just that slow.
Just a really hard day. I look forward to Sunday. I think I might go shopping today. Then by Monday, I might be a whole new woman. Ready to take on the world.
I do pray I am able to rise above circumstances. The loss of Brandon brings such grief. It is terrible when it hits us. Laura had a bad night last night. I understand that. Tuesday will be the fourteenth. NOT a good day. It will be hard. We may call his parents just to let them know we are thinking of them.
If there was not a God, this life would be so worthless. I'm thankful to know Jesus. There was a time I did not----everything WAS empty and useless. But He brings life and comfort into every situation.
I pray He lift up my family and friends today and reveal Himself to all of us in His love and kindness.
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