I am very happy to finally get a picture back up on my blog! I really have personally enjoyed the photo feature tremendously. This is just one of my pictures from Art.com. I was trying to stick one on there in vain hope---and wallah! It appeared!......
I am going to Brazil!
My friend Allison went and happily came home with many lovely leather sandals. We will be going for our 23rd anniversary in the last week of May. I don't know what I will do about my youngest. Mr has to go for his work. He is going with his boss and two of his direct reports. He does not like to travel---yet the job he is aspiring to---and will embark upon within 18 months (probably 12)---is meetings, speaking, and travel. (the things he does not enjoy). Yet he truly does enjoy the compensation and it has certainly made our lives easier.
My youngest wants to go to Belize. There is a mission trip on the first week of May. She okayed it with some of her teachers who said that if she wrote a paper about her experience, they would count it as a learning experience and give her credit. Her grades are so low right now that I am shocked they would say such a thing, but I am thankful that they would encourage her. Two of her long time friends are going and some others. I pray that all works out. We'll see. She does want to do the summer Africa mission to the orphanage. If we can, we'll send her on both of those. The church is going to have them do some fund raising in order to go---that will be good for my youngest as she does not generally have to work for anything. We will either have her in summer school or a summer job. Both girls need to do work or school this summer.
There are some rough things happening in Mr's family. His sister's daughter, of whom I am particularly fond of---is in a tough situation. It is very troubling. I feel okay about it, like it will turn out alright, but I felt that way when Brandon was in ICU. I thought it would be alright. So now I know my feelings aren't so trustworthy, but I am helpless to do anything....the longer I can stay in a positive frame of mind, the better.
I have decided not to bother with my graduation ceremony. It just seems to hard with so many things happening. Since Brandon died, I just prioritize things much easier. If it isn't absolutely necessary, then it goes--unless I WANT to do it. I suppose that part of crisis and trauma are a bit easier than regular life when it seems that all the demands are competing equally and you are failing if you don't meet all your standards and expectations. Yet during a crisis---survival is good enough to satisfy. Our crisis is over, but it still has ramifications.
I'm reading Dan McAdams book, The Redemptive Self: Stories Americans Live By. He expounds on American optimism, our rags-to-riches stories, our stories of recovery, of salvation, of redemption. In one sentence, he mentions that the sinner repents and becomes pure--even if only for that moment. That really caught my attention. He narrows it down to a moment. I suppose that is true. Yet I long for that purity. I hunger and thirst for righteousness and in that moment of communion with God, I find that. Life must be pure at some level, the soul longs for purity, for wholesomeness. I want my life to have purpose, meaning. To give to others. To be strengthened to give. It has to be that our life has purpose or why wouldn't we all kill ourselves when we met with pain and disappointment. Yet, somehow, we know it is wrong and an abberation---even though the Chinese and the Japanese may find some nobility in it for certain causes---to avoid shame--it is not the order of the day in their lives either. They go on living through pain and shame, like we all do. We work for a better world, try to make our world orderly and helpful.
True, the American way of life is so self-centered and materialistic. I have found this to be true in my own life. When I was young and in love, I reasoned that "stuff" didn't matter to me, that only the ideal of true love mattered and that love was sacrificial. It took a long time for such noble feelings to wear off, but they did. Practical life has needs. Going without sucks. Hard work without reward gets old. But I am still an idealist at heart and God satisfies my need for the ideal love. (and Mr has kept our love fresh, hence the 23 years!)
Another thing McAdams wrote about was highly generative adults. They tend to have life narratives that show ambivalence between their needs for power and intimacy. Isn't that everyone? It sure has been an issue for me. In order to give myself to my schooling, which will allow me to have influence into other's lives (read "power" although it took study for me to see it), I had to learn to go without the intimacy of my many friends, whom I love dearly. I so enjoyed the times when we met regularly and supported each other regularly ---or even just had fun together regularly.
I don't even make it to CHURCH regularly during Volleyball season! and that is where I am getting my friendship intimacy needs met--through my home group---and I was getting it through my triad. But I am hardly even with anyone anymore--but I cannot manage all those people and juggle all their lives. My prayer list is short and I rely more on spontaneous remembrance than repeated daily intercession for the multitude of issues I know my loved ones are dealing with. I spend most of my emotional efforts on just my little family of five (well, that includes me)---and they surprisingly, take a lot of time! (maybe just because I am considering moving away and I am noticing how much they rely on me--even daily! )
In the end, I trust God. I rely on Him and I put one foot in front of the other. I obey His Will where it is clear to me (mostly) and I ask forgiveness when I clearly consider myself to be transgressing. I cannot fathom all my sins of omission--too many to be sure!--but I entrust my soul and my salvation to Him alone. He is the author and finisher of my faith. He is the one who has taken me through many doors and given me my dreams. Why spoil me so? I do not deserve it. I suppose anyone who knows me could attest to that! How unworthy of God's greatness are His creatures, yet He exalts us through His Son. We become one with Him. He lives within us. He moves through us to touch one another. How great is the Body of Christ!
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