paper due today

It's about 3pm and my paper is due around 5pm or 6pm. I am not sure which one, and it is not important since this is a paper that has already been graded, the final class grade has been awarded and I have graduated college entirely! Yet, for a learning experience, I agreed to rewrite a paper that was not concise enough. I've had two professors who excoriate..........ok, maybe not the right word since that means:

1. To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade. See Synonyms at chafe.
2. To censure strongly; denounce: an editorial that excoriated the administration for its inaction.

According to dictionary.com, I checked.
So something more like.....they both pour over your writing and make extensive comments---wait, I had another professor like that, my government professor who is now a dean---and anything that remotely means something else, is vague, or leads in the wrong direction is noted. Any gap in logic is noted....you know, they like a really well written paper.
and I do learn so much from them,
but when I read graduate psychology magazine or the graduate newsletter and I see some of those writers, I think...........my BLOG has better english, is more concise, makes more sense, and is more interesting than a few of them. How do they get published?

But it is true. I've read some other people's papers before, because I ask for them. And sometimes you can see what a prof means. It is SO NICE to read a good paper where the logic flows unbroken from one end to the other. It is awkward when you come up short on a sentence, WHAT?

Oh, but I will go on and on just to avoid my paper. Breaks are good, but they cannot be too long.
I am nearly done and expect success. (besides, it is already an A!)

DIFFICULT MOOD!!!!

Today is not so good! Started the day eating cookies. (L lectured me when I got home. "Mom! Do you know how bad for you those are? Mom! You used all your points! Mom! You cannot use food for comfort!"..........."L! I know! Leave me alone!") But I DID want to eat them. I personally do not regret it. But others are not going to be pleased since I am tracking my food for the world. (they were quite good).

Today I have to write my paper. It is due tomorrow. I have already gotten my grade. An "A" which should have been a B, except that I took it graciously and offered to rewrite my paper for the experience, which led her to bump me over. BUT NOW IS THE FOLLOW THROUGH. Gee, I wish I had not GOTTEN any credit for offering to re-write, because then I could just say, "Oh, forget it. I am not up to that now." but no. I have to write. It's a matter of integrity. God help me! I have to fashion a literature review out of my head today! I am not up to this.

I've had such a nice time NOT doing things. And anyway, I should not be surprised by the nasty mood, it is typical of me when writing. Often.
and besides. I always eat horrendously when I write. For comfort. For consolation, for energy, for brain power, for encouragement. All of this. (which is why I am fat).

Well, do something ELSE, Stephanie! The chanting goes. Find other ways to relax. I can do that. But how can I find other ways to endure? How can I find other ways to .....whatever this is..........?

I went to a 10 am appt with MB on the other side of town. 27 miles away I tell ya. He was not there. I reached into my purse for my cell. It was not there. I was on the 10th floor of a tall building way on the other side of town, in a hall by myself outside of a locked door standing there. Where did I leave my phone? How can I call him? Maybe he is just late? Maybe he is still sick? Maybe he forgot? How to know?

So I just said, Okay, forget it. I'll leave a post-it note and be done with it. I am going shopping. (supposed to write my paper) so I went to Dillards, obstensively to look at bedding (anyone reading this noticed I used the word obstensively?? ha ha big word, I'm so smart, JK) However, the towels, furniture and yes, clothing caught my eye. So I bought some clothes. I also finally find the darn bedding I will get, but I couldn't be sure until I went to a different target to see if they had the Fieldcrest Luxury Jaquard scroll bedding so I could see it in real life instead of just web. So after Dillards I went to target and they did have it out, so I went home and compared the Dillards Nobility Dupioni Silk comforter set with the Fieldcrest online now that I've seen them both. I bought the bolster pillow to the fieldcrest set, I think it will still go with the taupe Nobility set. Now I have to get my mom to find me another sheet set like the marvelous one she gave me for Christmas. I have SEARCHED AND SEARCHED for a set like that----Nell once gave us a set from an elderly lady that she kept for who was very wealthy. They were very unattractively colored, a wierd aqua blue with a large floral oval on them, but they were the finest sheets I'd ever encountered. I figured at the time it was merely because I was not well acquainted with sheets, but no. They have been ridiculously hard to find. Mom found some somewhere! I need another set now!

So I am home with my pillows from Target and I will take Mr with me to buy the bedding stuff so he can help me carry it out. (he's terrifically handy like that! Love you honey!----he's actually been reading my blog! Big points for that!).

S has gone to speak with a manager at a tanning place. Parents of her good friend know him and he will hire her. Let's hope she does not check "criminal" again!

K is working hard with 9 hour days noon to nine (dinner break around 5). He is training Geek Squad at Best Buy. He is eating regular fast food and not exercising--he is stressed. He was supposed to read a chapter of history a day, instead he went and bought a new book of Enders Game. It IS a good book, but he'll be behind in school. After studying hours and hours for days and days, he went and took a four chapter test and made a 73----and I had been saying he was overstudying! So I don't know how that happened, but he is not studying smart. I don't know how to help him. He is too big to listen to me. He thinks he knows what is best for himself and we just have to trust that.

L is doing good, got up at 7:30 to run on the treadmill for 20 minutes before school! and then went to school on time. She works tonight so she's going to take a nap. OH, it is 2pm and I must write. I must write. I must write.

Mr is off his fast and on to eating healthy with us.
Lord hear our prayer.

Peonies

My, how beautiful Peonies are! I seem to have just discovered them! I am usually a staunch rose fan. Although many varieties of flowers can capture my attention. I tried for a few years to get away from the flowers, too simple, too country, to girly. But I've found that flowers delight and inspire. Their beauty and fragrance is so uplifting and tranquil at the same time. I enjoy them.
My love purchased me some blush pink roses just the other day. I clipped their stems this morning to keep them blooming and freshened their water. I saw some Peonies at Whole Foods, right after I noticed them in a party book and checked to see what the flower type was. I realized that I had not given this beautiful elegant flower enough notice. I resolved to enjoy more peonies.
Even though they were on sale for a good price at Whole Foods, I could hardly justify a purchase when I just became interested. I am not very impulsive when it comes to purchases. I do not buy items on the spot. This minimizes my travel purchases more than I prefer, but I just will not buy something the first time I think of it. I have to mull it over and be sure it is something I want.
So I am glad that I know where I can get Peonies when I am ready. I have not noticed them before. They were not at the Whole Foods down on 6th street and Lamar and they are never at the regular HEB where I shop.

I read about this couple who decided not to buy anything but necessities for a year. Although the husband considered the wine a necessity (He is Italian), his wife did not. But they agreed that Q-tips were frivolous. They found it hard to go without Q-tips. They didn't buy clothes nor go to the movies and they didn't pay for taxis, she rode the train late one night in a bad part of town--waited for it in the rain and cried. I found the whole thing quite interesting. Of course, she did this to write a book. Something about a critique on consumer lifestyle, I don't quite remember. But I did think that even I would find that quite hard. I would find it unimaginable right now, but in my former more modest life, I guess it would have been just as offensive, because for heaven's sake, sometimes buying something might be the smallest of reward for going without! Having a good vacuum or a cordless phone.....you have to buy those things. That couple can do such a thing because they are well provided for already.

But the reason I think of them is that she said, she stopped buying fresh flowers weekly. Fresh Flowers Weekly! Oh what a life! I dream of such an indulgence and in fact, I could choose to do this, but it IS a luxury. I don't even buy flowers for parties, although I am not even giving parties anymore since the husband finds visitors an occasion for psychological pressure to clean and impress---just gets the better of him and I find it quite difficult to deal with. He says I CAN have parties, but his disapproval is too strong when I bring it up. And he does not like children to come. This is a sore spot with me. Our house has degenerated significantly since it was brand new. Pets and Teens are very rough on walls and rugs and upholstery. So what are children going to ruin? I never wanted to live in a house that did not welcome children. I'm the one that let them jump on furniture!

But now we have swords and armour about. I suppose someone could really be injured. And the stairs pose a problem for little ones who must be observed. And the tile floor is very hard so toddlers must be followed as well. But I don't have fragile knick-knacks around, so I welcome the children to come unto me! :-)

and I love peonies.

Wednesday

My youngest was filing out her first application for a job to Old Navy. She hit "yes" on have you ever been convicted and it booted her out. We tried numerous ways to get back to that and change it, to no avail. Now they are taking the character test, and so I let Laura sit by her and tell her what to say. Just better that way. Good gracious. Why would they want to hire a criminal?
It's going to boot her application out and no one will ever see it! I wish we had PEOPLE working the employment area!
One question.....if you got something free out of the vending machine, would you put money in the machine? I said say no. Who would do that? I'm very honest about that kind of thing, but putting money in the machine would just make ANOTHER item come out free. That doesn't matter. Clearly someone already paid for it. Take your candy and thank the Lord and eat it or give it away.

We got our apartment! It is a B-5 on the third floor in the D building. Just what I prayed for. Out of 200+ apartments, there were only 6 that fit this catagory, and I got one of those! Hurray! Hooray! BOTH OF THOSE YEAH!
So now I know that I CAN fit a 5 ft long table into my bedroom and keep my office in there. So I can get a small table for the dining to take up less room. I'm taking my couch and chairs from here. I was going to take a maroon chair only. I ordered the upholstry for it when we moved in this house, but I don't like it anymore. Now I want to use my favorite taupe chairs and the ottoman that goes with them. I can study in those, so it will work. I'm taking Mr.'s computer armoire (he doesn't even use it now) and his double file (we use that but he offered it). I'm taking my guest bed, queen.
It blows my mind how much stuff a person needs! Of course, I went without most of this stuff when I was young.
Let's see. We did buy a table (from a rent to own! horrors!), Nell bought us a used couch. I was thankful for anything to sit on. Nell also bought us a used mattress. How gross when you think of it. And we used it for over 10 years!
I used my childhood bedroom furniture and got some stuff out of our storage. I had our old chairs and a bookshelf with cabinet doors on the bottom. We got this old table somewhere, which I used as K's changing table. I borrowed a crib. I bought a diaper pail.
We did not have much.

Now I have this house full of furniture, but it is all aging. Having teens does not help. I am honestly the only one in my family who is careful with food. I used to avoid eating out of the kitchen and wouldn't let anyone bring food. Mr is so bad about it, I cannot even reprimand my teenagers anymore. I've given up and they know it and it is so frustrating! So yeah, when I go in the TV room and S is sitting there with a whole pizza and a knife and fork---I send her back into the kitchen. When they've got open cups with drinks in them, I send them back in. When you go in there, you find cups and plates---I just hate it!

But of course, my own room is messy. Not with food, but the floor needs a vacuum. There are just things everywhere. I picked up some yesterday. Considering how little I have to do right now, I would think I could keep it clean. It doesn't bode well for the north apartment! But that will be easy to clean, but probably cluttered as well. I like to leave things out so I won't forget them and will attend them. AND when I go looking for shoes or a purse or something, I'll just leave them out when I switch.

ahhh. The house is quiet! L and S just left to get L an oil change. The place is far away, so I have some time. Should I nap or look at my paper? Hmmmnn.

Dentist today---oh joy

Okay, I want to be thankful that I can get my teeth worked on. I hate the dentist. I am extremo pain freak and can't stand choking on my spit when they lay my head way back and want my mouth open for 30 minutes!
Today I had to get floss cavities filled. The space between my two front teeth and the space between a front tooth and one on my right both needed a little touch up. And really, I have been flossing the front of my teeth (at least more than the back) but the hygenist said, "If you are only going to do one..." (meaning floss or brush), "...then floss." and I always think of the one....."Only floss the teeth you want to keep." So I have worried so much about other things, the flossing doesn't happen much, but all it takes is one filling and I am back in the saddle. More flossing coming right up!
My youngest also had to get some teeth worked on. Our last dentist was too rough and so when she complained that her tooth was not properly filled as it was now way way sensitive to air and such---I just decided to take her back to our old dentist with me. His smooth talking voice and cowards service are great. Even though I get the gas, I have to get it low, otherwise I enter through a portal to some other land and it kind of freaks me out. But today I didn't take my allergy meds so my heart wouldn't beat off the scale, yet my nose was so stuffy that I couldn't breathe through my nose to get the gas in. Besides, I hold my breath and tense my shoulders up to my ears. I keep telling myself RELAX RIGHT NOW DANG GUM IT! but I only listen for a moment.
I did have my son's RIO which is an MP3 player he gave me and I had it up loud as I could to drown out the sensations. I still felt the first shot prick OUCH it was sharp! He is usually the best at that. AND then the girl didn't suction out my slober, which is always in overdrive naturally. One of my dentists once said (when I was pregnant with S), "Gosh, I shouldn't even ask this, but do you go to the bathroom all the time?" because he was so shocked at how much my mouth watered. The assistant was like, "Oh my .....I can't believe you ask that!" and he was all sheepish...."I know, but MAN, look at how much her mouth waters!" They gave me drying mouth pills after that.

and this dentist has given them to me also, if it is a back tooth. He wanted to work on a back tooth, but I said leave it. He always wants to add a little work here or there, one of the reasons I changed---that and he stopped offering the corporate rate to Mr.'s company. I changed dentists but cannot find one comparable. And every visit is such a nightmare for me, well, I guess I'll just pay more for out of network care. That's just the world we live in. You have to pay for anything extra you want. I guess that is fair.

Now I am going to take L to the place to see her preserved flower, the one B gave her on Valentine's Day. It will likely be a sad moment for her, I hate that. She's doing so good. It is not a constant daily topic now, more like every other day or less. This should start some up, but that is part of the healing process. He was such a neat young man. I wish he were here.

Okay, my blog is not certain to post, my connection is suffering. Time to ride off.... Talley ho

Outside swimming

Okay, so K was at work, but me and Mr were out in the sun! I laid out to get some sun on my legs and shoulders. ANOTHER SOMETHING I HAVEN'T DONE FOR DECADES! Maybe I am getting younger this summer? ha ha

We went swimming and it was such a lovely day. It only seemed to be in the 80s because it wasn't deadly heat. Turns out it was 93 or 4. But I enjoyed it. As you can see in the photo, at certain times of days, the sun shades the pool, so we could move in and out of the sun as we pleased.

We've got some neighbors who are behind us and their house is up the slope, so their back porch looks right into our yard! They screened in their porch, which faces east, so they end up enjoying it all the time. So we never want to go into our backyard cause they are there. Oh well. It's just that I grew up with no one in my backyard, it was a freeway and then it was so overgrown, then it was a dirt road, and when I lived with Dawn it was undeveloped land. Our Brookpark house backed to a storage place and a little trail to the grocery store, so no backyard neighbors and when we first moved here, our backyard neighbors never opened their blinds, so it was private enough. Now I have outdoor loving people and we peek to see if they are there. We have tree cover grown up in most places, but wouldn't you know, right at the corner there is a big tree and it kills everything that grows under it, so no pear tree there.

Tonight I am going to Georgetown. More about that soon.

Just after three or four days of controlling for sodium, my blood pressure was SO LOW!!! Maybe the machine malfunctioned, or maybe I really am relaxing! Ha ha!
I couldn't believe it. and I was taking my decongestant, so it wasn't that (claritin D).

I made lower calorie lasagna, I made two. One with all the stuff and really light on the other one. Light sauce, light cheese, low fat ricotta barely there, just a little motzarella and a little bit of hamburger. It's like large flavored pasta noodles. I had tiny bit of oatmeal for breakfast. No weight loss, but that takes forever.

Dreaming in real life

I'd really like to live in this apartment. Today I'll call and see if a second floor apartment will be available on August 15.

Since I am not pressed for time, I am remembering my dreams each morning. That's always fun. I can remember them when I am busy, except that I forget them soon after getting up because I start thinking about the day. This morning I had a dream about purses (among a thousand other things). I had all these purses on the wall. I looked at them, they were new. But they were Kmart type purses. So they weren't quality or fashionable. One was a cute seafoam green and looked like it was woven, but when I touched it, it was plastic. The purses still had their packing in them. I had several of the same kind --only one seafoam green, but bunches of this other woven look that was fairly plain, not in an exact style I would prefer, but very common. I knew that I had won an opportunity to choose items from a catalog for free---yet it was just a catalog of Kmart purses instead of say, Crate and Barrel or House Beautiful magazine.

In another dream segment, I was dealing with children. One was like K. About 7 years old. I was moving around this play kitchen furniture. Nice expensive heavy weight play kitchen items like the kind a school would have. They were wood sinks, refridgerators, etc.

Better than yesterday when I dreamt I was a muslim or hindu daughter whose fat ugly big rich uncle came and I had to be all sweet and I offered to make him coffee, like a good daughter (who has no value and so must be of service to others to win favor) but I did not like doing it, even though I was sweet as honey and humble. I threw open the cabinets looking for items to put together a coffee maker and was having trouble and getting frustrated trying to bring together everything needed (including cup and saucer, sweetener, spoon, coffee grounds, etc) to make that cup of coffee.

I took S down to SoCo and we had fun looking at Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, a costume shop with the most outrageous items EXTREMELY thorough. You can rent very elaborate costumes there. Anything you can think of....holland girls, zebras, tons of sunglasses, tons of costume jewelry, tons of masks, tons of accessories--swords, wands, hats, wigs, everything. They had gumby, shark, medieval, mexican, dorothy, egyptian, maids, nurses, cheerleaders, heavy metal rockers, punk, belly dancers, shoot---those are all regular ones, I wish I could think of what they have. It is 10 thousand times more elaborate than party city halloween and better than Salvation Army Halloween. It doesn't lean toward the ghoul, although that is available. They have serious costumes that cost hundreds of dollars. You can rent or buy and order.

We were looking for S's senior year spirit outfits. They have several Blue and Gold days where students come in those colors. Hair, face, clothing paint, everything goes. Last year for the final Homecoming Day ---which is far out the wildest----They made gold lame (lah-may) short dresses, shrugs, and blue leggings (under armor). So this year, they need to think in advance because they are the seniors. S has won for clothing several times over the last three years, so she wants to go all out.

So we found some cute panther masks for 4 dollars, but she likes these carnival type masks, elaborate fancy (slightly) classy ones, makes me think of Amadeus. They are $20. So I don't know if all 10-20 girls are going to be able to afford everything. Most things need to be affordable, although everyone will go all out on the Homecoming day--price probably doesn't matter. S has designed some of the best stuff and outshined previous seniors (kind of a no-no, but so fun for underclassmen). Her friend and her mom tends to do all the sewing (as if I could do any of it! No way! So glad SOMEONE is skilled around here!), so they want an early start so that they can pull it off without things falling apart across the day.

There were also some elaborate headpieces that I can't think of how to describle. Like something those topless ladies on floats in Rio would wear, but not quite that big. There were some underwear covered with bangles that they might wear over leotards. Once she suggested the guys go as pimps and the girls go as hos (pronouced hoze, plural of ho, short for whore, Horrors!), so I suggested angels. I mean, if you can go as a ho, can't you go as an angel? They could wear blue and have yellow or gold wings? Or wear gold and have blue wings?

There were some good gold sunglasses, they wore those last year. She liked the Holland idea, except that the clogs were unbearable. Last years seniors wore construction hats, so that is out.

Anyway, it was fun. and then we were handed a tract that says God loves you. Inside, it said, please don't resent us for handing you this (something). We love you and care for your soul. It was kinda quaint, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I still think it would mean more if you were feeding poor people or providing some service to others for free, then when you hand them something to read, it might seem relevant to them. As for this, it was First Thursday on SoCo (South Congress Avenue) and there are street vendors and random awkward musicians with the hat out---a gospel message just seems to be one more odd part of the soup. But I am glad they are out there anyway. When they go home at night, they feel they've served God, but how many people come to know the God of the Universe through this method? I pray they were effective in reaching someone and I do not doubt their veracity. (wait.....I can't remember what veracity means.... I think it works here).

Today I'll make a Lasagne (and probably fight with L when she asks for money --she just got paid, hopefully that will pacify her temporarily). I am trying to eat less, definitely. I can't focus on exercise when I am trying hard not to eat. It is odd that I am so limited in focus! If I am doing one thing, I don't feel like I can do the other. Because I want to go workout at the gym, I bought a membership for the next couple of months. But that seems hard when I am trying to work on eating less and drinking bottles of water over and over. I wonder how many I drank yesterday? Maybe 6?

I ended up eating out with Xiaohua after I got my teeth cleaned yesterday because I had planned that with her last month. So she took me to Origami and I had the shrimp and vegetable tempura. OH YEAH! Great food....mmmm. I didn't have any coke yesterday. I'm stopping that completely. Only lemon or lime water or a bottle of ozarka. I had no breakfast (explanation coming), and I didn't really eat any dinner. I had some Ovaltine. The tempura really held me.

Yesterday morning, I had to take Mr to work (K's car in shop, he's using ours) and then get home and get ready, then drive downtown to get my teeth cleaned. So I never had time to eat, although I planned on eating oatmeal (which I made this morning with no salt). When L asked S where I was, S said, "she's getting her teeth whitened" so L was mad! She called me up. "What? You are getting your teeth whitened?!" Because she wants hers done and I won't pay for it (she only brushes her teeth once a day as it is). I told her, "No I am NOT. But even if I WAS, that does NOT mean that YOU automatically get what I get!" She drives me crazy. She thinks she is entitled to MORE than her parents.

Later...another issue.....since Mr has decided to give his body a two week detox (following the viewing of Super Size Me) and fast, I knew I was going to have to feed three children daily. I have since planned some meals (grilled chicken and lasagne are two). I am wanting to seriously reduce my sodium and eat tiny healthy meals---but Mr doesn't want to eat at all. So when S asked me for some Sonic, I said, Okay, later (meaning for lunch time).

So then L was out of gas, her checking account completely empty, but she needed to get gas. I told her to go straight home, so she didn't run out on her way to deposit the check. She wanted to use her debit although her account was empty, I said, NO you do not take chances like that (her hoping the deposit clears before the debit). So I went home and gave her my card. I told her to pick up Sonic on the way back. She says she can't go to Sonic cause the girls there hate her---one of her ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriends worked there last year and "was talking crap" about her (as she says) and her friends are all still there. So I said, okay, S can go when you get back. I let L fill her tank with my debit and write me a check for the amount.

On her way back from the bank, she calls. Can she please just get Burger King cause she's right here? I say No. Maybe I should have explained that I have fourteen days of trying to think of food for them ---maybe food I won't be eating ---but if I start letting her negotiate, OH MY GOSH, what torture she puts me through. They are always trying to barter for the money I would spend on them (If you were going to buy me Outback steak when we went out tonight together, can you just give me the $20 and let me go out with my friends?---I hate that!). So I tell her NO, you can have Sonic. she fights for a while, so I say, fine, buy your own burger king. She hangs up on me saying something like "parental favorites to the nth degree!" now that is not what she said, I cannot remember it.

Then later when she was home and S stepped out to the backyard, L said, "I don't see why you are giving the grounded child everything she wants when I have done everything you asked and I don't get anything!" I said, "L, you get what you want" or something like that. She said, "Oh right, I got my hair done and I went to the DOCTOR!" and throws her hands out as if that was similar to saying.....I got the crumbs that fell on the floor and you call it something!

However, that hair cost about 120 dollars! And she'd act like that is nothing! And the reason she spent 20 dollars on a copay to go to the doctor is because she wanted to find out about getting her sinuses enlarged so that she can see how much extra it would cost to get a nose job!!!!! Which we have said we aren't paying for! And then Mr. tells her, well, go talk to the doctor and see.

I say to him, Why tell her to go to the doctor?! He says, she was bugging me about it? I say, How about just saying NO! He looks dumbfounded.

So that is spending 140 on her, but she's going to throw a fit when I spend 5 on her sister? Oh excuse us mortals for living.

Oh brother! I have something with her EVERYDAY! I hope that since she got paid, she'll settle down. But we were a gossiping family yesterday ....K talked to me, S talked to me, Mr talked to me---we all talked about L. Mr tried to get tough with her and then she left the house. I thought he meant stormed off, I said, why did you allow that? and he says, I didn't know she left. So that means she left afterwards, but she is supposed to tell us where she goes.

When she came home at night, she had an allergic reaction creeping up her back and her throat didn't feel good. We gave her benedryl and forgot all about the day's events. She acted like nothing happened. We were just glad when the reaction went down. I got her up this morning for school at 8am and she acted like nothing--I didn't remember all the issues until now.

She is a very high maintenance child.

puffy face

Okay, this picture tells me my face is so puffy! Did I write yesterday that I learned that Ibuprofen makes you retain water? AHG! I take it so much it is crazy. I haven't taken any yesterday or today.

I looked at the nutrisystem diet, which is 289 dollars and they give you all the food you eat for 28 days. The thing that interests me is that they deal with the glycemic index of the foods. I am sort of pre-diabetic and I know I mess myself up with my food choices. When I live on my own, I will be able to control access somewhat, but it always comes down to personal choices.

Today when I flipped the calendar over to June, it was nearly blank! I haven't seen that in decades! I was amazed. How nice if it REALLY meant I didn't have anything I had to do! But I have millions of things, yet I can likely get them all done without extra obligations! How nice!

I'm going to email my friends and tell them, I'm ready to do something! Anything, whenever you want.....except maybe it would be better if it didn't involve food.

I have met with friends for lunch for ages because it is usually a good time for me that I have available. Now I can be more versatile, briefly. What a change! And I usually need a couple weeks in advance because my calendar is so full. Some friends hate that because they want to be spontaneous. I am not usually able to be spontaneous like that, except with Mr and the kids. But MR (SR) is less spontaneous than I am, and I have to drag him anywhere, so we usually stick to some plans. Of course, we always go out on Saturday nights together and switch to thurs or fri if saturday is something else (like vball, which is over, hurray!)

anyway, I looked at these menu options and I would do better to make little meals myself. so I will try that for a couple of days. See if I can even do it. If I can go for 30 days, maybe I could lose at least 5 pounds! That would help!

I really want to have a habit of waking in the morning and starting some calesthenics. Remember the guy who exercised on TV, Jack ....Lane? Elaine? Allaine?.....he just did regular stuff like military people.
I think that pushups and situps are great exercises (although I cannot do a situp). and leg lifts and weights are great. You don't need fancy equipment. It is like doing pilates or yoga or something if you add some stretches.

So I've got a routine worked out, but I've only done it once when I was in Brazil. So I meant to start today (and yesterday) but GOSH how I avoid exercising.
Today there is a workout class. A bench class. I usually like those. So I hope to go at 6. But I do not really want to go. I think it is weird that I kind of just want to stay home. HOW BORING!!
Yes, my worst nightmares. I am boring.

L wants to lose weight too. She's not overweight or anything, but she tends to get heavy easily and wants to stay at the small size she is now. So we'll try eating less, but S is too skinny from her ADD meds. She is off them now because she doesn't go to school or anything (she's grounded from staying out all night while we were in Brazil), so she can try to eat more. But I think without working out, she tends to be smaller, which is so crazy. We would have expected that she would fill out because we are a chubby family, but no, she LOST weight when she quit doing daily vball workouts! And got skinny! Then the meds didn't help. She doesn't want to eat, it grosses her out.

K is losing and doing good. The last few days he's eaten a lot, but he's been moving furniture and stuff. Surely he's worked up an apetite. I hope he'll be running again in the PM so that I can go too. I hate it, but it is good for me. His weight loss motivates me a bit. He's really lost a lot.

I'm thinking if I can cut out the salt and lose some weight, then maybe my BP won't be so bad and I won't have to take the beta blockers, which slow my metabolism.

and my friend and Dad recommend wieght watchers, but I just can't seem to motivate myself to go that route. I don't know why it is so distasteful to me.

and I never ever like to diet, so this will be rough. I wish I had some spiritual mission in mind, but I don't. I can do more things when I do them for God, but when I read about people on diets and eating for Jesus, well......you gotta laugh at that!

okay, no more procrastination. I'm going to exercise. really

The Blue Skies of Brazil!

Oh Brazil was great! I suppose I've enjoyed everyplace I've ever gone, though, so how to measure it? Well, the weather was fantastic. It was cool, but in no way cold. Wearing a jacket meant that you were perfectly comfortable. One day I went grocery shopping with Gabriela and Claudia and we took our coats off because it was so warm and opened the car windows.

The greenery was fabulous, I so love plants and trees. Thinking about how barren it is in the Northern U.S. winters makes me shudder.

The people were so friendly and that was everywhere, not just those who knew us and it wasn't just service people. The books said the people of Brazil were friendly and I agree. Everyone was patient when you don't speak the language and help you out as best they can. Most things end up right. You have to take some chances when you order food, though. And since you can't drink the water, you end up drinking so much less water than normal that you feel parched. Plus, I was taking ibuprofen round the clock for a headache that really went loud on Tuesday and I was bedridden (only one day, so what! I consider it a rest day). The yellow fever immunization side effect is flu feelings 7 to 10 days later. You can never tell with me, though, as I get mysteriously ill feeling periodically. Kind of generic yuk and fatigued. I think it is just being so high strung that occasionally my body says NO! LAY DOWN!
But then it might be that I am just lazy and can't do all the work I really need and want to do (or don't want to do ---if it means housework).

And the food there was great. Lots of Steak and Pizza, as I mentioned in my kodak gallery. And we got gifts! That's always fun. I got gifts in China and India, too. We are not too gift giving here in America, but we'll give some gifts when they come up here to work.
Which reminds me that Eliza, Elisa? someone is here now. I need to take her out or something. One of the workers said she was in U.S. for four weeks and was only taken out two times. Then when she left, they gave her a little going away party at work and gave her a gift book of sites to see in Texas (OUCH! how embarrassing!). Well, I told her if she gets to come back before I head north, then I will be sure and take her around a few places!!!

The architecture was neat! So many different styles. So many colors. And pets everywhere. In the nicer district there are fancy puppies on leashes, in the lesser areas there are dogs, cats, and horses loose.

We didn't see much of the poor at all. There were cart pullers who pick up trash and that is about it. There were a few beggars, but NOTHING like in Austin. I just saw a couple, one a child.
There was every convenience available, we did not go without. Our hotel was luxurious and we were pampered.

I think it would be better to rent a car and drive, though, because I had no idea where we were geographically at any time. I prefer to map out the roads and find things and know where I am. It leads me to a more defined feeling of knowing about a place. So that is on the books for next time. AND I will faithfully take my camera everywhere I go and carry it in a big purse. I didn't take my good camera because the guide book said it would be stolen---but I'll take the risk next time and bring my computer and cord so that I download each day. One of my worst travel moments was getting my camera case stolen in London with three or four rolls of film and all the pictures from Ireland. I didn't care about the camera---that is replaceable, but I lost those photos forever.

Back to the grindstone and to my children. Responsibility....does it ever end? Do I want it to? I am so lazy, I do not even want to exercise to save my own life. But I felt physically miserable on the trip and could not figure out how to feel better. Still, it was great fun and I love new places. More soon.....

I'm leaving on a jet plane. I do know when I will be back---next Sunday. I already told a friend I'd see her at church--guess I'll send a quick email.

I am so not looking forward to the 12 hour flight. I've got loads of dramamine and I'll be fine. I have to fly into Dallas today, which I hate. The flight there is all up then down, no break, no cruising. I suppose the flight from Sao Paulo to Porto Allegro will be the same, UHG!

On a cheerier note, Mr's former boss told him he might be giving him the China project back. Oh man, how exciting! but I will be up North and likely NOT able to travel ----oh oh oh whine whine whine.

I have until June 10 to finish a paper (re-write) then I am really really done with undergrad. I have until Sept 19 to read the McAdams Personality Text, then I really really start my PhD program. Until then, I am not really thinking of it. If I let myself think of it, I will begin planning and the pressure will begin. I usually like to be ahead and on top of things......probably it is better to wait to do that. I was so upset when my adviser said something like enjoy my summer before I become an academic or something. I was miffed. Hmph! I WANT to work on this stuff. I LOVE it! I would PAY for the priviledge (oh I'll be paying alright).

Yet, now I see the wisdom. I'll be able to look back on this hectic time period as a break. And I'll miss it and long for it. Maybe roll on the floor, whine, and cry......think I'm going to fail.....do something stellar instead (I can insert optimism in my forebodings of doom).

Praying for Cindy's neck. She's been suffering for three weeks and is getting that crazy animal feeling when pain just won't stop. Very hard on the psyche. I am praying healing and comfort and peace, in the name of Jesus (I'm praying more diligently than THAT however).......and she's got a job offer in the city we met. Go Cindy! Money is really nice. People who say really negative things about money either don't have any or have quite a lot. I've done both and I like having it much more. Rather necessary in this society!

I was able to buy some makeup before going. We bought a new carry-on. K's BestBuy discount is Awesome! L is working at Circuit City and sold a plasma TV last night. Biggest sale of the day---she's so good at that. She says she knows how to conform her speech to the type of people that she talks to.....She has a friend starting at Best Buy and she says she doesn't think she can adjust to different people and if you go at them all with just your own style, you cannot sell much (she didn't actually SAY that, she inferred it in the long conversation that I'm not about to write forever).

OK, I think I'm trying to pretend I won't have to be in the air today. Small price to pay to see the world. Glad we have good drugs in the world or I would never go up. As it is, I take my meds, breathe deeply, grip the handrests, press my feet into the foot thing in front of me, READ PURPOSEFULLY, and ignore the horrible physical sensations that tell me something horrible is happening and it must stop now. I try to imagine God rocking me in his hand (If the darn pilot cannot keep the wings steady)---crazy visual but it helps keep my mind busy with the sensations. I don't suppose I'd ever make a good pilot. And I cannot imagine flying by my instruments and ignoring my perceptions! I'm glad someone can do it.

And if I should die in a plane crash ever (hardly likely!) then remember this......Oh yeah, I was terrified when it was dropping or whatever (amongst my worst nightmares---anything falling). I would be calling out to Jesus (just like Dad said religious people do) and I might think how odd after what happened to Brandon (also motion sick and scared of heights and falling---fell to his death---his nightmare). BUT after reflecting on Brandon, I realize that it would be over (hopefully I would die, not get mangled and live for several more years like that) and it is just a miniscule portion of my life.

The main thing to remember is that I died GOING SOMEWHERE FUN!!!! Most important! If I die from electricution while washing dishes, OH LORD JESUS, mourn for me.....mourn and mourn that the death is so so so mundane and related to CHORES.

I choose dying in sleep or some sudden explosion where you don't know anything. Or gunshot or head cut off. Slow death by disease cannot be too great! BUT you do get to say goodbye to people, something Laura and I now value. Sudden accidents are hard to process. And to think this happens to so many people every single day (just read the national and local section of your newspaper!).

Plenty dead from a typhoon (In vietnam, I think). Their family members are beside themselves in grief. They wonder if they suffered, they wonder if they made it to the afterlife of their belief. And this is a tough one for me. I don't believe "everyone gets to go" and so I will have no comfort, only worry for the experiences of some. But one day I will cross over and find for myself what lies there. I will be welcomed into the arms of Jesus by His Own merit and I will understand more of why things are how they are. I will know so much and I long for the knowing.

and if the unbelievers are right, then I will know nothing---and nothing is gained or lost. But I know we continue, I believe we will be aware, and I believe Jesus came to tell us so that we'd trust Him and when He came back to life, He proved He was more than all the others before or after. And He lives now in His body and He is outside of time, while I suffer minutes, hours, and days, always looking forward and bored in the moment (but thrilled by possibilities).

And so I doubt I'll be seeing Jesus this week. No, I'll come home tired and have to face the mundane of daily work---kids fighting, dirty house, unpacking, writing papers, trying to exercise and eating instead (but less night eating thanks to Tums!)

Off to Brazil.....

Headed to Brazil

Oh man, I ain't lookin' forward to the 12 hour flight from dallas to sao paulo.

BUT it will be great to meet a bunch of friendly, gregarious people (and I cannot help but be happy about being the bosses wife).

I've about packed. I put several songs on K's Rio, an MP3 player. It is full now and there aren't really that many. Time for an IPOD already and I've only had this for a couple of days.

Found out my tetanus shot is still good for another year! Woo Hoo! I hate that shot---ouch. The yellow fever one was fine. Quick and as painless as a shot can be with no soreness later. But we might get sick next week. I won't know if its the shot or just me. (seems like I already wrote this.....was it on the blog or in someone's email?)

I have been so bad about email to my friends! I'm praying for Cindy's neck.

Two baby showers this weekend and I can't go to them. My friend Juanita read the study. She didn't like the part where I said something about learning disabilities with one of her children. I had to put them under the microscope, but they were great. They did a great job and it was so fun. I loved writing up the paper---for once! I sweat through them, but it was easier than most. My professor said I did a stellar job (I'm sure I've written that on here already) and she is the one who is so hard to please. The other one (easier to please) said I did excellent work, as usual. That feels SO GOOD!

And I have been getting a lot of respect for my PhD story. Several people know about it now and will ask me, with oohs and ahhs. (I love the part about PAYING me to go there!). People start out asking me, "Masters?" and I say, "PhD." (always very casually, like it is nothing) and their eyes light up as they take that in. Gee, no wonder people get addicted to power or prestige or something. I admit I LIKE that sort of thing.

But the fact remains that I LOVE what I am going to be doing and I am so excited. Another fun thing is that when people find out that I am doing psychology, they want to tell me their whole life or their whole philosophy (like the Elizabeth Arden make-up counter woman today). And I just want to tell them MY story! And then I remember....."Oh yeah, I LIKE to hear about other people's lives.....that's why I do this." So I sit and smile and affirm them and they love it.

OH, Mr. is rubbing the ole shoulder, hooray

Frustration!

Hardly the right picture, but I like it.


I called up North to start proceedings on a certain apartment. It was called a B-2, which refers to a certain floorplan only 635 sq ft. It was already rented over the weekend! I thought she was holding it for me for a couple of days. I was going to take it even though I had to sign a lease for July 15, two months before I need it---because I want to be CERTAIN that I have a place to live and that I am on the 2nd floor or above (scaredy of 1st floor--windows open to the outside--yikes! Without my children to protect, this lion becomes a mouse).

So---Now I am thinking that I will consider going up to B-5. When I look at the floor plan, there are some B-5s that face the southern warm sun and have pedestrian traffic that runs straight through the front office. (or you can come in underneath through the heated garage). That is what I hope to get. However, I will have to see what comes up! I am shooting for an August 15 move-in because there are so many in line for the Sept 1st move in already.

The B-1 is too small, the B-3 is just right. I am okay with the price of the B-3, but going higher freaks me a bit.

I know all this will work out, but trying to work my way through the decisions is tough. I am not used to having to JUMP when I make a decision. I am okay with ambiguity, but I like to wait on big decisions.

We'll see......

going to pilates.....

Pondering, meandering, and life events

We watched Alice in Wonderland last night. Little S was doing a computer project where she had to make a menu with a theme and she chose Alice. So I had K go rent a video and we watched it, GREAT FUN! Cute flowers singing...we had that on a video that my babies watched--Fun With Music.

Gotta love that Queen. "All ways are MY ways!"
I love her powerful expression, her command of the situation, her determination to drive the existance of all she surveys. (not that we should emulate her, mind you). Little S will undoubtly get an A. She excels at creative expression. All her friends get her to make signs for games, a big part of sports around here.

Yesterday was 3 months since Brandon died.

We went to a new church yesterday, Celebration (kind of an odd name for a church), and we all really enjoyed it. It is lighter fare than Grace, but that is more likely to keep little S interested. I want to find somewhere that S and S can enjoy on their own. I'm encouraging good habits. Regular church attendance keeps our hearts reminded of what is important as the mind on its own tends to think only of itself and its own comforts.

After church, we ate sack lunches I had prepared (PBJ, etc) on the way to the Ballet. Romeo and Juliet. Thinking of the romance, I had forgotten the strong death element and was stricken when I realized what that could do to L. The over drama of the death of Ty..whatever his name was (at the hand of Romeo after Tybalt, Tybult? killed his friend) as the Mother grieved, helped them mock the situation instead of connect it to Brandon emotionally. I had trouble enjoying some scenes because of the potential impact on L, but she endured well and S kept her spirits up.
L has a job at Circuit City today starting at noon and she is excited. She'll be making 9.50; she's in the TV department. She knows digital cameras, not TVs, but she'll learn quickly. She is a definite sales person.

I'm reading Lord Jim (by Conrad Joseph, I think) and A Room of Her Own by Virginia Woolf. S has to read some literature for AP English next year, one of them being Sidhartha. I'll read that with her, too, but I went to half-price books and purchased several literature choices for less than 20 dollars. I hope to read them myself. I also got Farewell to Arms, Something about passage to India?, I've forgotten them now....Mrs. Dalloway......

...Reading V. Woolf is interesting. Her sing song way of turning a sentence agrees with my own manner of thinking, yet I'm finding it difficult to read those long sentences continually. So I have to ask myself why I don't enjoy the sudden parenthetical statement that veers ones thoughts towards another direction, since that is what I do to those who read any communication of mine.

Obviously, when one is writing, it should not be for the self. Pascal said as much in some quotes I read of his. You have to write for your audience. And yet I have not quite grown into the discipline. But even today I intend to re-write my empirical paper and hope to have my audience clearly in mind. I will attempt to develop this part of my writing!

And in another direction---I finished A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHURS COURT on Saturday morning before we headed up to the Scarsborough Faire, a renaissance (sp?) festival.

It directed me to conversation with Mr, who is such a capitalist! He would gladly rule and think himself benevolent, even as he blamed the lower classes for their plight, while he might do nothing for them. We went to Ruth Chris Steakhouse where I had one of the freshest most perfectly cooked meals I have enjoyed in some time---all for a pretty penny, of course. But the conversation was delightful and Mr. managed not to take offense at my proddings. Especially when I reminded him that his education was funded by a Pell Grant. So there--he did NOT pull himself up by his bootstraps, somebody FUNDED him because he had promise and he would not be where he is today without that assistance. Assistance that is barely available today.
Mark Twain helped me weave an argument and when Mr has read the book as well, we shall have a fine time savoring the ideas.

The book was such an easy read and quite fun, I was sad when it ended. I was thinking I had no time for fiction, but I read the book so quickly, that I've just forgotten how fun a good fiction can be. They are hard to find these days because I suppose I am too proud to read popular novels, thinking them for airheads and trying to avoid too much likeness between myself and anything airheadish, since we all know I am easily taken for such! :-)
I'm a rather SCHOLARLY airhead, if one at all.

And back to the bookstore---I could not find Les Miserables or the Amy Tan book (forget the name just now, one of my FAVORITES)----THE JOY LUCK CLUB!

I read that years ago, and thoroughly immersed myself in it. Later, I was required to watch the film version for a class. That movie has one of the lines that impacted me greatly! When one of the daughters does not take the fellowship she's been offered (only now do I realize she had to apply!---but at the time I did not know that)--because she is going to do whatever her husband wants. That was before I tried for the PhD, but that movie came RIGHT before that event and effectively imprinted in my mind that what I wanted was WORTH going after and that I should not shrink back.

It just goes to show how our own biases are ready to turn on or off at our whim because how many other women watched that movie and cared not for that scene nor remembered it?? Yet in my desire to pursue higher education, dormant though it was, my mind grasped onto any idea that would give me permission---for a scene in a movie is hardly permission to go about changing your life---but when you want to do something, I suppose any excuse is enough. And so we must be careful about how we prove to ourselves we are right......but I know that this road is a good one for me......that I am truly following my bliss, truly developing my giftedness and that I could not live with myself if I did not follow each opportunity to its end or to success.

and so I will!

Mid May..........

Mid may and I am a graduate. My school is going to interview me for the newsletter (it is a small publication). They thought I am getting the PhD in Psychology, but I'm not. We'll see how it goes. I look forward to being interviewed just for the fun of it!

Had a great time seeing my friend at dinner last night and again for coffee (and lunch!) today. We got together to discuss recent changes and catch up.....and then met at Java Cafe (or something like that) with D and D (one of whom I have just met). Two moms have 7 children and one has 9. Then there was me with the miniscule 3. (and sometimes I'm overwhelmed!). And all three of their husbands have had job issues ----with that many children! God has provided for them all and it is amazing to see.

Today I went to get a manicure at this spa in my little city. Turns out the nail tech and the massage therapist are no longer available. I guess they are going out of business! Too bad! I meant to go there so many times.
I want to get my nails toughened up so they'll grow. I'm not sure what the problem is, but they are peeling and breaking as soon as they grow past the nail bed. L tells me that her friend goes and gets layers of special polish and then they grow. I am wanting to grow my own nails out instead of getting hideous false nails.
Since I am going to Brazil, though, which is crazy beauty conscious (and fashionable supposedly), I am thinking of getting fake nails on my toes... so I can wear sandals without showing my wretched toenails... which usually don't bother me, but I have friends who actually moan about the disgusting ladies who don't manicure their toes!

I still have not gotten my final grade back on one of my classes. She says she'll get to it. Wednesday was actually the grading deadline. She told me not to worry, she was sure I did fine. I am sure I did fine too, but I want to know....was it "B" fine or "A" fine? So close to finishing with a 4.0.

I've lost my glasses. Just today. I have no idea where they could be. I don't usually lose them because I tend to only lay them down in certain places to avoid Nell's habit of losing her glasses daily.....maybe multiple times.
I've looked in all the usual places, then went through and backtracked every part of the house I've been in. No luck. I think I did wear them this moring to go through the paper, but I cannot be sure. I don't have to wear them all the time. I can read for a while before my vision begins to blur. I'm sure they'll show up. I'm typing this with my Rx sunglasses on. I'm so cool.

Praying for Cindy's neck to be healed, in the name of Jesus and for her lab results (of her experiment) to come up significant and for everything to work out well. And that one of her children's return to the roost will be uneventful in the nicest way.

I've been exercising! but now I'm going to go look again for my glasses.....

Houston

Returned from Houston yesterday. Last volleyball tournament. I am mostly glad to close the chapter on all that work, but I am so glad my daughter had the opportunity to play for an elite team! She'll have that memory forever.
Bodyworlds was fantastic. I enjoyed it immensely. There was too much to describe---and this was the simple one! The first one, the basic one. I wish I could see the others! Perhaps I will in time.
I also got to go to the Galleria. It was fun. The lady in the Channel shop of Neiman Marcus considered me a serious shopper, I am flattered! However, I think she could tell that I was genuine because my attitude and behavior. BUT that stems from the fact that I have Channel purses from China that only cost me about 20 bucks. So I feel entitled to Channel purses. Yet I wouldn't buy the REAL ones!! I just want to see the shapes and colors and ooh and ahh over them. I love purses. I love pretty purses, cute purses, and status purses, but I don't like paying much for purses---although I am tempted at times (like the $400 Kate Spade white leather tote), but what kind of craziness is that? That's a month worth of groceries for many families! So I try to keep that in mind.

It is seriously time to exercise. No, I don't want to go to weight watchers, although Dad, Mom, and Cindy all suggest it. I want to eat everything and grow thin (fat chance!). I think I am overeating from stress, yet how to combat that? I go to ballet tonight, aerobics tomorrow and maybe a dance class with friend Juanita, IF she is serious. I try to walk or jog with #1 son and the Mr. in the evening.
but I love coke, I love cookies, and I am not too fond of vegetables en mass.

Brazil should be fun, but I will have to NOT find entertainment in food.

and I have to write a last paper.

since I always always say that----what will I say when I finish that paper???

Maybe..........I have to read to prepare for all the future papers.
OR
I'm reading for my dissertation (oh that will surely be a mantra).

Off to work on the treadmill. The refridgerators gone out. L does not have a job yet! K is moving home soon, and S is doing well on her medicine. (but she still left knee pads at hotel and I had to buy them).

Slimming up in the name of Jesus!

ALMOST DONE NOW

I am so excited to be nearly finished with my paper. I took a break when Mr called, so I ate something and tried to remember the login and password to my blog. (success!)

The conference at his work was great and now he is putting out an email to the higher ups and his peers. I hope that generates strong interest and future possibilities. Plus, he's asked his boss if he can schedule a workshop with his team and the GDC in Brazil (global development center) to craft a communication template to help measure and document the issues that arise throughout an upcoming project. That will mean a workshop here and a workshop in Brazil. I want to be able to participate in those, we'll see what comes of it. I'm afraid I'm not going to get compensation so that it all remains above board. We'll have to get some higher up approval for me to work in it officially---bummer!!!! That's one of my ten thousand life long dreams of today!

okay, back to APA style writing. oof.....

New meds

Got my youngest on some new ADHD meds. She didn't like the other one, didn't feel like it worked at all. This one is Concerta. I don't know much about these medicines. We're going to try Strattera in the summer if this one doesn't work. She is not too good about remembering to take medicine, so I don't know how we can ever get her stabilized. I think I had some of her issues when I was in high school, too. You can grow out of it. I don't know if I have grown out of it, but I know that I have found ways to make up for how easily I get overwhelmed and I know how to increase my abilities to focus.

That does NOT always work, though. Basically, I spend more time than the average person would consider spending! That is how I get so much work done. What takes Sv about 3 hours will take me about 7 to 10. I don't always work during those hours, but I go back and forth working, stopping, working....in fits and starts.....and eventually something emerges.

I like that word, emerges. I let S use it in her essay last night. Her English teacher will only allow 10 mistakes on an essay. Once she gets to 10, she stops reviewing and gives a grade of 50. Her rules are pretty stiff, though. You cannot start a sentence with THE and you cannot use these words at all: Is, am, are, was, be, being, and were. That is harder than you might imagine. I struggled with her on a couple she could not get out. So her essay was very good. She had some convoluted sentences from doing the avoidance dance with those words, so I helped her straighten them out. The amazing thing was that she stayed engaged (another current fav word of mine) the whole time. She was truly trying to work on that paper. She rewrote it twice to my corrections, stayed attentive during our reviews through the essay and continually contributed new ideas and made applicable comments. That was great. You'd think she was already ON some medicine! But she wasn't.

She really is getting so much easier to deal with (I say that now, wait for future blogs) that I wonder if she isn't growing out of some of the moodiness. She is not allowed to go anywhere and she is accepting that and not brooding! Thank you Jesus.

I googled myself again by only my first and last name, no maiden or middle initial---and the first result WAS THAT PICTURE AGAIN!!!
Man, I don't know why that is on there suddenly as the main result. I am hoping other people don't google me (it IS doubtful! I happen to be quite obscure....) and I know I have not googled many people I know---only ones I do not really know--like professors. But I did google my family for the heck of it. The picture I posted on here is not nearly as bad or detailed as the big giant one that comes up when I click on the result. Oh well. Vanity Vanity, let it be gone. My mental assets are sharpening as the old flesh goes into major decline.

HOWEVER.....I found the Dance Zone, which is exercise to hip hop and ballet moves at UT. They are NOT UT, but they are in one of the dorms. I emailed about classes and she said they are at their lowest season due to move-outs and exams. SO....I'm heading to that part of the city to check it out and see if I can humiliate myself, provide some laughs for the young people, and maybe manage to lose 10 pounds over the summer. Dad recommends Weight watchers and friend up North has started on that plan too. We'll see if it works well for her. I hate to go to meetings and think that much about what I'm eating. If it were something I could control more, I wouldn't be where I am at in the first place. But it is getting hard to BREATHE. That means I need to LOSE SOME WEIGHT! I feel like someone took my thumb, blew into it, and I expanded beyond acceptable proportions. Now I've got to work to let out all that air. Oh how I WISH it were air.

Going Places

TRIED

Tried to put some family archived photos on here. Wasn't gonna happen. The blog site won't take it.
Had fun with the girls yesterday. Took them to Vespasio on SoCo and Emerald's on Lamar--Book People and Whole Foods.

Looking at MBTI certifying conferences. Most of them are four day and around 1000 dollars. Then a flight is going to be 200-450, with hotel accomodations for five nights around 500. Food is another couple of hundred all totalled. Then taxi fare.....
....when I first enrolled in school, my hope was to get MBTI certified. It was all I knew I wanted to do then. When I took my first class in Psych, I knew I wanted to go to graduate school, like the grad student who was my teacher (He's at Texas State now--a prof, I've contacted him, His wife is studying to be a midwife and I've offered her my midwifery texts). At that time, even a Masters degree seemed so remote--like such a unrealistic dream. When I calculated how old I would be if I took my classes two per semester---I ended up around 40 years old---that seemed like it would take forever! And here I am. (and it sort was like forever--but not--how's that for philosophy).
Then I was not sure if I should keep going to school, but I wanted to be a midwife. Actually, I couldn't figure out how I was going to deal with many aspects of midwifery, not to mention the danger of lawsuit.....I enjoyed the conference, though, with a bunch of sensitive women concerned about feminine issues.
When I went to Disney in 2001, it reawakened my passion for China to an extreme level. I have always thought I would go there in my elder years, after Steve passed, as my consolation....because he was not interested in missionary work or overseas living (Unless we're talking England). However, I decided to work towards that goal in the present and look for opportunities independent of Steve, like short term work.
For whatever reason, my pastors decided it was not God's time for me and would not give me the recommendation that I needed to go with English Language Institute. So I decided I would find ways that do not require pastoral approval. Although I did not attempt to push for that certain trip--I realized that I was in the same position as Gladys Alworth (allworth?) who was refused by the missionary societies. She saved up her salary as a maid and made a dangerous trek by train through Russia! They ended up making a movie about her after she escorted hundreds of orphans to safety during the world war.
So I tried enrolling in UT's Asian program. I still had an eye on MBTI because all I needed to qualify to administer the test, was a degree. I was told I'd be a shoo-in for the liberal arts program because of my 4.0---something not too many liberal arts majors have ( I thought that was odd)--but I didn't send them my transcript. In an error of ignorance, I thought it got sent electronically.
I was so distressed, but unwilling to wait another semester. I enrolled in St. Edwards, which turned out to be a delightful experience. Expensive, for sure! But small classes and professors dedicated to teaching made everything wonderful. I only had one bad teacher in my entire undergraduate experience. (that's not what most other people say, so I am so thankful for the caliber of professors I worked with).
I was in the Organizational Communication program, which seemed like a really soft program to me. The work was hard enough, but it was so fuzzy as to what you were training for---it could be anything. I know one girl that got a 15,000 raise after she graduated, though. That's a good raise.
Along the way, however, I discovered the McNair Program. A little note on one of the newsletters (I scan through them for interest) and I was hooked. I called them up for information. They helped minorities get prepared for graduate school. Providence smiled on me when I contacted the reservation for the 5th time AND ACTUALLY GOT A PERSON FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. I felt it was a good sign. I had worked in vain to contact them before a family reunion in Montana, but they were never available and never called me back. As if they did not exist. And I had tried one other time, repeatedly getting no answers or call backs.
In no time, I was a documented Blackfoot. I was reading how UT was increasing the minorities in the graduate school--and that is what pushed me forward with hope.

I changed majors, to my favorite---and encountered a wierd group! The people in Org Comm are more of the extraverted business type. They are not quite as intense as the full business majors, who are very ambitious. Rather, these are right brained friendly people who want to get along and are conscientious. When I changed to Psych, suddenly it is a bunch of recovering addicts or alcoholics or people with difficult childhoods who want to help others overcome what they've overcome. It was just a larger portion of dysfunction than I've seen. That was a little discouraging, but I love psych and so I embraced those people as my peers. It was odd to hear so much inappropriate disclosure at random intervals. I wanted to do a workshop on "When to air your dirty laundry". Not that I don't have compassion. I'm high on Neuroticism myself ---which means CRABBY and anxious. I am one anxious girl!
(Not as bad as brad pitt in 12 monkeys)

But now here I am accepted to graduate school in a doctoral program! And I'll be getting qualified to teach psychology---when I was 17, 18, 19....I knew I wanted to do something where we discussed psychological ideas all the time. I didn't know what that might be. I knew you could be a counselor, but that was not exactly what I wanted---I wanted theoretical discussions--I just didn't know to call it that....I wanted grad school! I wanted to be a professor! I just didn't know graduate school existed yet. (and would not have been able to set such a lofty goal at such an early age. It would have seemed crazy.)

After doing the workshops with my speech prof, I want to do more of that. He is gearing up to do some serious work for Mr's company. I want to be a part of that. I want to go get the certification. If I do that, when I get up north, they may draw back. It is anti-psych to do the MBTI. They feel like it does not measure for bad traits (like N or psychosis) but that is not what it is for. And then to hear it is not validated---that's not true. I can find studies on psych info that show it is valid (and why). So there is just a field prejudice about it. I think psych just wants to monopolize the field. And they don't like business people who take a little conference being able to administer psych tests. It's rubbish to me. I like the MBTI.
I am an ENFP. I like BUNCHES of stuff and I love exploring and learning and discovering. Envisioning, creating, fun fun fun.

So I may go to one of those conferences. As an ENFP, I always have too much on my plate and love to start new things. Graduating does prove (and still being married!) that I am good for the long haul. That I have the determination and dedication to go the long road to accomplishment. So I am going to get my PhD. Then, if I cannot teach, I'll go work in business doing MyersBriggs. I'll be very authoritive with my degree from an excellent university. It will be great. I could have done the work without a BA, but society just doesn't want to listen to any yahoo (well, some people will, but they watch sally jessie and such, I have to remind myself to respect those people as having dignity by virtue of their creation by God).
and if I get to teach, all the better. I'm looking so forward to all the fun things! Now, if I can just finish this blasted paper. SO CLOSE SO CLOSE!

Dad picked this one

I say this is a bad hair day, but Dad picked it.....

Much Better old photo

Now I like this photo. The highlights are back in and the photo is turned, so my crookedy eyes seem aligned. My nose is less prominent.

I still like my long hair much better, but I am glad I went for a short hair season just so I could be sure. I dread the days when the hair has to go. I know that some older women do not look good in long hair, but I am only 40, so I think I can wear it for a while yet.

Now I wish THIS was the photo a google search would offer.
I think I am about 10+ pounds more than when this was taken. My blood pressure meds just slow my metabolism. I've gotten off those, finally, and my blood pressure is still normal---so far so good. If I could loose weight before I need to go back on them, that would be optimal.

On another note---less self obsession----Mr has landed in Dublin. He was supposed to get there in time for Tuesday morning meetings, but the flight from Chicago had mechanical problems and was delayed. He was stuck in our airport waiting for that flight to arrive so they could get to Chicago on it. Then they missed their Dublin flight and had to go to Gatwick? ---one of the London ones, I can't remember which one now---but then on to Dublin. So he left our house about 1 pm yesterday and he just arrived in Dublin (it is around noon). So it took him nearly 24 hours to make an 11 or 12 hour flight. YUK!!! I wish I had gone with him, though. I like Dublin. I like the downtown shopping and I wanted to go to Trinity there, among other things. They have a really pleasant park downtown and I did not have enough time to explore.

I'll be going to Brazil, but I don't know exactly where, so I cannot begin looking it up. I hate that.

I'll be going to Houston weekend after next to go to S's vball. AND I get to go to Bodyworld!! Hooray! My mom doesn't want to go. She said, why do I want to look at a bunch of bodies? I saw that in anatomy! Well, it is not just bodies......They are very INTERESTING bodies. You can see inside! I guess she's seen enough insides. I think it will be good. I've not gone to medical school. I didn't get to SEE real organs. Cool.
And I hope we make it to the Galleria, but that is not important. Now that I've shopped in China, it is terrible seeing the price of a nice purse here.
I've GOT to get to China for a purse run! This time I know some pointers.......
Check all zippers, clasps, etc. Make sure all parts are THERE.
Only buy the ones that I LIKE! Because if I give them away, I am only left with ones I thought someone else would like---but they didn't. If I only buy what I really like, then EVERYONE will love them!! I've given away all the good ones and just have a couple of so-so ones left. I only want to give nice ones as gifts.---and that is what I did.

Working on my LAST PAPER! I ran my stats, after major headaches with the stats software! and then had trouble printing it, but K came to the rescue, as usual.
I am SO EXCITED to be finished! I cannot believe it! All I have to do is write this ONE BIG RESEARCH PAPER! I think my stats did not come out significant, so I don't really have anything to report, which for once, I am glad, because this particular professor will not require the detailed analysis that my other one did. I STILL have to re-do that paper for her (which we agreed to postpone until I graduated since Brandon died and that complicated my brain workings).

I go to take S to get a mole removed on her back today. That is not going to be too fun.

I planned to go to Best buy today and get a stereo, but I didn't make it there yet. Kevin is expecting me. I'll need a stereo up north and I want one now. My old one here that we have piped through the whole house---well, it keeps skipping all my CDs. I don't know where you take things to repair these days. Don't they still do electronics repair somewhere? Seems these days they want you to buy new ones. sad.

OH! i better work..

REVOLTING PICTURE!!

I googled my name today. I was shocked and HORRIFIED to see this photo come up. I mean, COME ON! Is this an accurate representation of me? NO!
and my skin color is so pasty, my tote is obviously too heavy, I am leaning over like a gorilla! (Stand Up, Girl!) and my nose looks twice the size of normal. I do look a little thinner than usual, but the skin on my face is so yucky that it destroys and slenderizing potential.
WELL. I oppose tanning in general, but I may need to get a little bit of sunshine. I don't usually wear that red underneath. I think as I am older, red is not as good on me as it always was when I was young.
and this is such an old picture (like spring 2004?) because my hair is still short and brown (I WAS going for a more intellectual look, but people weren't as attentive to me--forget that!)

SO---what was this doing on the web? I mean, I was the second, third, and fourth search result. Hope no one in the world googled me at that precise moment.
I think about when I get more published and go to more conferences to present. My name will come up more and more frequently. I cannot believe this picture is going to come up as well. I have some good photos from the university magazine that are WAY better. They need to keep THOSE on the web!

Blaise Pascal has said...

The sole cause of man's unhappiness is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room.
Pensées (1670)

Lone Star Tournament

So we drove up to Dallas last night and got there about 11:30, dropped off S at her hotel, The Hyatt Regency with the big ball restaurant that beautifies the Dallas Downtown Skyline (or some would say). We drove around trying multiple hotels far from there, hoping to find vacancy. Finally found one, tried to find food, to no avail. Got up this morning early to get ready for the tournament knowing she was already going to be there with her team. We get a call. She left her uniform shirt at home on accident. She cannot play. Major bummer. So we picked her up and drove all the way home because she is going to prom tonight. L will take her back to Dallas for Sunday and Monday tournament play.

I bought alcohol test strips which measure if you've been drinking (so you can decide if you should drive or not). It just gives the girls added incentive to say, "Sorry friends, my mother is waiting at home with a test strip."

I am pretty tired after a late night, an early morning and a wasted drive home again. Traffic all backed up on the main road through town due to construction. We took side roads back home but still hit rough areas whenever we were near the interstate. I feel all wrung out. I still have to write papers for my last classes. I just draw these things out and make them unbearable. I wish I had better coping skills!

Mr. is taking L to the motorcycle shop just to entertain.

Training scroll down for photo

Yesterday was an interesting day. I worked at 9 to 5, which is so rare for me that I was exhausted. It was not the work that was hard, I loved it! It was the context fraught with psychological airwave overload.
I had my antennae up trying to catch the signals from everyone. My husband brought my former Speech Communication professor (who wrote my recommendations for the doctoral program) in as a Trainer and I was able to assist him in practical ways AND be a fly on the wall. It was interesting, very.
We got there early and set up. I was able to see some of his long time coworkers, but most of these folks were new to him. It was an older crowd than he formerly managed and he was placed strategically in order to show his broad applicability across groups and sectors. The challenge is to see if the company can get off some systems that are run by their rivals. The team that has to work on that, though, is uniquely qualified in the system of the competitor and I find it hard to believe they can be successful in a project that calls for their demise. Nevertheless, that is the requirement and it is of utmost priority to the leaders of the company.
The team does know that, but there are multiple groups across the company that work on part of this large scope project, and I guessed from some of the comments, that they see themselves as only part of the larger whole, not integral to the success. This perception must be changed. They need a vision of their victory and what it can mean to the company.

I had a good time and so did my prof. He was really jazzed. As this workshop was very successful, we are going to continue to find inroads into Dell as well as work for my husband on cross-cultural communication and conflict negotiation throughout various teams that are interconnected.

Yesterday was a combination of my man's group and another guys. My man has the developers who "sling code", as they say. The other group is the project managers, or process people, who make sure everyone is on task where they need to be and require documentation of everything.
They do not see each other as being in the same boat. That was an analogy that the other manager brought to the group. Both groups need to understand there are not two boats and one will sink if it fails but the other will not. Rather, if one goes down they ALL go down because the two managers report to one director and the success of both of them falls on him.

It was all very productive and some problems were placed on the table. Communication is just beginning but the off-site will give them some mutual dialogue with each other that may increase information sharing and understanding. I was pleased to be a part of it and hope we can take it to Brazil, as has been discussed.

Training...Conflict

Boxes. Easter

I went to Hobby Lobby and found a sale, half off of boxes. I can't import a picture because that function is not working---but at Crate and Barrel there is a brown faux leather box with a hinged lid that is 69.95, but I got one at Hobby Lobby that is black faux leather with a detached lid for $15!!! So I bought a few other ones without lids, but I did not get the small CD sized ones. I decided they would be useful after all, and they will only cost about $3, so I am headed back.
Plus, I want to get some easter stuff for the girls. Nothing big, they are beyond the huge surprise age. Sarah hasn't picked anything new to wear, but Laura has gotten some shoes and she's wearing Sarah's dress from last year. (hooray!).
I don't know what I am wearing either, but it is of minimal importance to me. Laura is looking forward to Easter to celebrate the resurrection and for that, I am thankful.
I was reading the Message Bible in Isaiah last night, it is powerful. With the current lingo usage of the Message Bible, familiar passages take on new meaning and I see them in a fresh way. I think I'll use the Message Bible for a while. I've read the whole New Testament in that version, but not the Old. So I'll go through both of them before I head north because I do not get much time to study the scriptures when I'm studying school texts and writing papers. (which I should be doing now!)
Off to eat left over spaghetti.....

Migraine

Okay, kind of a wasted day. Migraine started yesterday and got serious around 6pm. Bothered me all night long and still rough all day today. It's 5pm, so I've made it through 24 hours. They don't usually last more than 3 days.

I was going to have my friend bring her 7 children over to go swimming. The pool ended up having leaves and junk from the wind. We get our pool cleaned on a Thursday, but S has this Friday off, so I am planning to try again NEXT Friday.

The only thing I can manage is some computer time. I can't read, can't watch TV (don't want to anyway), can't exercise or run errands. Managed to do a load of laundry, but chores seem to difficult as well. What a waste of life! I always have papers that need writing.....but maybe later.

Have enjoyed using a design link on www.starfurniture.com and placing objects in rooms approximately the size of our future apartment. I have done a lot of shopping on the web. I like some things at www.worldmarket.com www.bombayfurniture.com www.orientalfurniture.com

I find it interesting that I am really drawn to furniture that is similar to my childhood pieces. I hope to get a silk painting and an oriental chest. I want to get a wood screen, the shashi at world market.
I was going to get a very cheap table from Target, but I've found one at Star Furniture that is so pretty! Steve likes it too. It will take up a bunch of space, I can move my office to my bedroom.
It is hard to try to decide how to use such a little space. The main goal is schoolwork, so although I really like a round coffee table and although I have a chest that can double as a coffee table, I may try to find a rectangular coffee table with straight legs--one that will enable me to sit on the floor and do schoolwork on it with my legs underneath. I like to study that way sometimes. Also, I like to sit in my biege chairs and do work. I like to work at a big table with stuff stretched out everywhere. I'm trying to accomodate those study habits.

Thursday Evening

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
Friedrich Nietzsche
(from Brainyquotes about LIFE)

It's 11:30 and my hubby still works on my website. I cannot make it go faster.

I am so happy to be going to school where I was accepted. It is fantastic in my mind.

I told Laura she can take her friends up there next summer and enjoy the place while I am at home here. I have to be where the sunny Texas sun shines. The trees are so green. It was 94 degrees today. The sky is so blue. The sun shines so bright. I really enjoy it.

My pool looks beautiful outside with the trees budding and the grass growing long. I am inviting some friends over next week to swim...letting them bring their little children to enjoy the clear blue water. I'll sit in the shade and listen to the birds sing. Oh they are singing so loudly lately! Had I just not noticed? It seems that when I went North, I noticed how barren everything is there because all has gone dormant but the evergreens. Yet here it all blossoms and sings.

Then the storm came tonight and the lightning flashed across the sky and the rain came down in those huge Texas drops. It looked like the monsoon in Cochin (Kerala, India), but it is just a Texas downpour. I could barely see to drive and had to go very slow even on my familiar neighborhood wide road. It all runs off so quickly, though. Tomorrow there will be new bluebonnets everywhere and another round of wildflowers popping up. It is so nice to enjoy them on a boring drive through the city during rush hour---there are little pockets of beauty and joy springing up everywhere. I have really enjoyed that about Texas. And the mowers leave it alone until the grass grows up so high it threatens a brushfire ---and then they mow. But they wait until the last minute because we all enjoy the flowers so much, it is a pleasure to behold.

So I know I will fly home far more than I anticipated. I do not care that I get motion sick and take dramamine. I will do it. It is only a three hour direct flight. I can do it.

I can watch for American Airlines to advertise specials and get a ticket for 199. Quite worth the price of coming home.

Today we got the first camera in from Best Buy so we can set up a direct link and visit over the web. We're getting two at this house, two at that house, and one at Laura's apartment. That will be so nice. It will give me a great deal of comfort. Ha! I can even lecture my younguns. (they won't like that, though).

Survey not ready

It is really tough getting my survey ready. We've worked for such a long time, and there is always a bug in the program. Hopefully, we'll get that worked out tonight. It is taking quite a bit of Mister's time.

He was exhausted last night--we've gotten up early and gone to bed late several times recently...it makes daily life a little harder.

I had him take S to school for me today so I could get another hour of sleep. Ahhhhh....better. So tomorrow, I'll try to get him to sleep in. And we will go to bed early, too, because I have a poster presentation at the student research conference of my whole university. It's a well run day and very busy. I enjoy it. I'll just be doing a poster, so that will be easy. Just stand there by it while people walk by and ask questions. Today I will make a handout.

Moving

And so I find myself wistfully wishing I could be in a quiet tiny new place where everything was clean and quiet.
I'm calling it our North Home.
I keep thinking of how to decorate, but I know I want it to be pleasing to Mr. At first, I was thinking I'd go with my whimsy, but on second thought, I think I want it to feel like home to him. I will keep his tastes in mind. So it won't be wild or alternative (yeah right, like I would even think of such decorations!), but it will be same old same old. Since I am taking a bunch of my own furniture, of COURSE it will be same old! But I happen to like the furniture in this house here.

But I have so many little things to take. I have a little saki set from Japan epcot/disneyworld, a little wooden elephant from India with a carved elephant within it, Cinderella mugs, a stuffed panda from China, a hanging red thing from China, the lecture brain he gave me for Christmas (love that!), the creme colored marble box that says, "DA MI BASIZ MILLE" (Give me a thousand kisses ....in latin), my rosy blown glass decanter with water glasses to match, my depression era candy bowl (my cat kicked the lid off the bath ledge and broke it). Most of the stuff from London is Mister's. I don't have anything from Ireland! Mr is going to Brazil.

I have to call Laura today. She is doing really good, we think. She is upbeat sometimes now. She doesn't seem so morose and she is doing things with friends in a better sort of way. She is driving all around Texas, though, which costs a fortune, but big Daddy gave her a certain amount in her account and she will have to manage it. I'm sure she'll run out of money and beginning moaning for more and he'll cave. But I am glad he is so generous.

I got my Poster presentation done thanks to my son!!! And I got my website deployed thanks to my husband! HOORAY! And tomorrow I go to a friends house and videotape and observe four of her children commented on ambiguous pictures to tell what they are doing and also some math problems which I will create today. I am actually going to graduate soon. Only this one month of April and I am DONE!
I consolidated my federal stafford loans today. I've got to do the FAFSA. I can get loans without a co-signer for graduate school. Imagine that! But I don't think I will need any. Since they will be paying me and I have no tuition costs, we are certain that we can pay my living expenses from my stipend plus some from Mr. It should be fine.

Laura will be setting up house, but she will have a furnished apartment. There are still so many things she'll need! I am amazed as I keep thinking of things......blowdryer, vacuum, toaster, iron, mixer, and more. Flatware and plates! Cups and pots and pans. Yikes.
However, I remember when I first got married and we had practically NOTHING for a long time. So I know you do not need much at all. Way less than you think. But I don't really want to go back to that, either.

God will make a way. I am full of faith and hope for this new adventure. It will be so hard, but it will be full of good learning and new experiences. I am excited.
The good thing is that all the children will be home this summer. We can do family stuff together even though they are so big! We did so many things as a family after Brandon died....we were just staying together all the time. It was nice. So I look forward to summer. It is nice when we are all around at the table. Laura usually keeps up an interesting banter and entertains us all. She is a big talker. When she isn't there, it falls on me! But Kevin often talks too. He can really get going.

Turns out Mr's sister from Mississippi had his mom call Mr to ask for Laura's cell phone number. Laura called to see if she could visit N, but she got no return call. She was asking to come on April 1 and 2. Interesting that she gets a return call AFTER april 1 and 2, but still, it is a good thing. Because Mr's mom said that Laura and S could come visit MAYBE.
We'll see.
They'd be good role models for N. They are good girls and settled and not into alcohol and drugs. Of course, S is pretty down there on the grades, but she is a good child with a good head on her shoulders. My grades were low when I was young and I have succeeded--she will too. She is smart.

I'll try to wake Laura.