Nice Day Today

Today is a very pleasant 60 degrees. The sun is shining.
I'm surprised at how much sun there is here. I've got to go pick up my BP medication and I just don't feel like washing my hair! I overslept and miss the stats discussion. I never go anyway because there is the econ discussion at the same time....so I was looking forward to it.

but I came home late Monday night and got right up and went to school on Tuesday and it was just one thing after another! I didn't get home until 9:30pm. I did an interview at 6. We probably didn't actually start until 6:30 and were done about 8:45. We walked to the train station together and I walked home the rest of the way myself in the dark--yuk! I was going to take a taxi, but it costs money and I didn't want to spend it when we could go together.

I had a terrible headache after I got home. All the tension just let loose. I felt bone tired ---as my mother in law says (its a very good description of a certain kind of tiredness). So I slept in. I wanted to get my cortisol down. My doctor and my sister both said, "Cortisol" when I said I'd gained 8 pounds in 2 months. That is a TON!!! I gained 10 pounds in 6 months last year when I was tripping out about applying to grad school and taking beta blockers. Now I am tripping out here and on beta blockers again. Geesh.

It appears that school is bad for my health.

but it is so darn fun. We discuss fun and interesting things. I SO enjoy the novelty! and I love this little city, but I sure hate walking by myself outside.
I went to the clinic today to turn in my shot records. I had my old shot record from the WHO (thanks Dad!) which showed my measles immunization in sept 1966 (long time ago) and then I got a shot when I went back home---saved 40 something dollars because it costs 67 dollars here but I paid my 20 copay.

One story I keep telling everyone is that I can tell I'm overloaded because at 6am on Saturday, as I prepared to go to the airport to fly home, I was trying to add 125 plus 150 (I was thinking of the cost of the package they gave me to come here---25,000 a year for five years plus 30,000 per year for five years tuition remission). and I could not add 150 + 125 (275). I kept thinking.....375? wait...no.....250?.....wait......and as I brushed my teeth, I could not get my brain to work on that.

Clearly someone needs a break!

but I had a nice trip home. It was so good to see my little S. Mr was great, too, but he drove so fast on the way home from San Antonio (I couldn't get the flight into my own city) that I was getting super stressed. and I could not get him to get out of that mode! He gets so mad at other cars, he rides in their blind spots OR WORSE He will change lanes at a diagonal to someone's blindspot so that I panic that they don't know we are there and could move into us. He drove over 70mph and since I only drive about 30 around here---and don't really ever get faster than 55 even on the highways due to traffic......I felt like I was a zooming bullet racing through the atmosphere on a course to destruction!
Then I got home and my bedroom was freezing. The kind that gives me a headache and feels painful. and there was no milk, coke, or bottles of water, no allergy medicine......I was out of various supplies and my daughter S complained that she had been going without.
When I went to a restaurant, it was freezing inside.

So it is just the reverse of here. HERE it is hot inside and cold outside. HOME it is hot outside and cold inside. Made it seem that there is not much difference.

But OH how I loved all the familiar things. I knew where everything was. I could go here and there. I went to half price books and to academy to get magnifying ruler bookmarks and hunter hand warmers, respectively. I went to Pappadeaux's, China Buffet, and Chuy's YUM---not real good for the old BP or the obesity! I took my girls and my mom to the salon where I got a pedicure, girls got false nails and mom got her own manicure. We let the girls go on and mom and I chatted as our nails dried.

Now my computer is on some sideways orientation ---my laptop----(I'm working on the desktop so I can actually see what I'm writing without cocking my head to one side) and I'm hoping my K will have time to work on it. He's very sick with a bad cold and still working full time so I know he's tired.

My friend J will be going to Seattle soon and I know she'll have a blast! It will be great to escape the heat of our town because it was 85 today, Mr said. That is HOT! and she likes cool weather. She'd enjoy it here. Except how hot it is in buildings.

My sis has a new job and I hope that one works well for her. She says she was surprised that working 12 hour shifts was not hard on her legs! Wow! Must be God's grace. I can't imagine working on my feet for 12 hours.
I really wanted to be a nurse, but the 12 hour thing really puts me off. Now that I'm here doing crazy math stuff I hate, I think I'd do less well as a nurse. There's more math to do.

I'm off here. Please pray that I am able to do my stats. My mood just PITS when I begin working on that stuff. And my econ grade was HORRIBLE. Really bad. Not just distasteful.

(happy birthday Dad!)

TODAYS TEMP: 30 DEGREES FEELS LIKE 21!!!!

sunset at 4:43pm (yikes)----at 8pm it is supposed to be 28 degrees feels like 19.
Gee...not much difference between 8am and 8pm!

An average of feeling like 20 degrees. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

right now

Okay, weather.com says it is "31 degrees. Feels like 24".
Tomorrow? It will be a high of 38 and a low of 24. Bet it will FEEL LIKE 20!

I saw a bus shuttle sign near my apartments today and went over and looked.
It showed 3 different routes for my stop. A red one, a purple one---and a "Frostbite Express" for when it is 10 below.
Not below 10----but 10 below!

to top that off---I could not complete my stats. It was concepts I am familiar with, so I don't know why I couldn't do them. I'm going to get maybe a 50% on this one! I've already gotten 85% and even 75%! and this was the easier class.

I'm just going to quit! I'll make it through this year and quit!
I was thinking.....it would be nice if they would let me do research only and drop the classes. Since they are already paying me for a year--I could give them a little bang for the buck.

Everyone here will be so discouraged and hate me. and what if they won't bring on minorities? I was supposed to bring the colored women UP! and look how I've disgraced us.
I wanted to finish so that I could lead others here! and now I won't even make it!

I don't think I can handle the pressure. But I'll always be grateful to Mr for giving me the opportunity. Can you imagine if he had said no? I'd always be SURE that I could do it---worse, I might get so resentful that I left him (horrors) and came up here by myself thinking I was all that----but without his support----I'd have gone home that first month!

Except that common sense tells me not to jump ship yet, but I don't want to stay under this pressure. I don't want to always be doing poorly by comparison. I don't have the guts for it.

DON'T BUY STORE BRAND KITTY LITTER FROM JEWEL-OSCO!
Phew! or P-U!
I changed the kitty litter fresh, Lily went in to tinkle---and the rank stench! YIKES.
And I bought 14 pounds of it, to my regret.
I've been using Tidy Cat multiple cat clumping---which has done VERY well. Lily can use it for about five days!
I didn't realize it was so good.
(except that i've a long history with cat litter)

Well, I'll enjoy this year, anyway. Somehow.
and I'll try not to regret having tried.
It would be nice if I could get that social work job back in Texas.
It's working with mothers of babies under 36 months who are at risk for abandoning their babies or not having adaquate shelter.
I don't have experience with official casework. But I've already worked with this population.
I'll learn all I can here before I go and let my connections to these people inform me.

Sharks in the mind

The sharks are circling.
It is getting so tough to be here. The time change is drastic. Tomorrow there is a Psych colloquim--and I want to go. I'll have to call a taxi just to get home! 3/4 mile and it will be over 5 dollars. That STINKS.

I'm not doing too well. I drove around today and cried. It was pitiful. I can't believe it is me! And then again....I am such a whiner and always doing things that are fun even though they stress out my system---I'm a tender little princess now. So this hardship of life in the north is overwhelming my delicate constitution.

I got a B+ on my paper. Three of us got B+'s and the other students got A's. I was not an A. That was tough. Now if I was skinny, maybe I could handle that. The three that got the As are also skinny (come to think of it, nearly everyone is skinny here but me. We're talking good waist to hip ratio measurements on these ladies!). And I don't even have a walmart to go to ---for favorable social comparison. When I go to walmart, I feel so suave, so sleek, so with it. Many of the ladies there aren't concerned with brushing their hair, so I can pretend that I am someone beautiful and important. (and I am, aren't I?).
Then I go to school and whoops---I've obviously got an eating disorder and lack self control and do not exercise enough.

Not that it matters, but when I'm making low grades, dang--I need something to build me up. I don't have any one around me reminding me about God. and I feel so dumb.
Even now I should be doing my stats. But I've clearly got one answer wrong. I tried to compute it by hand. So then I went to SPSS and tried to find the binomial distribution syntax...but it was saying NO even when I chose one sample! I had a B(20, .8) distribution and I had to figure out what the probability of having 11. and then to have 11 or less. (which means P11 + P10 + P9 + P8 etc....but if I couldn't get P11 then I could hardly get all the others to add them up. So I just put P11 + P10...and wrote them all out---so he'd know I at least knew the concept.)

Whenever I'm home doing math, I cannot work alone. I get stuck on something and there is no one to give me feedback about the likelihood of a correct answer.

I took the midterm for econ. I don't think I've blogged since then. At least I'm alive. I didn't cut myself or binge.
(that's a bad joke, but I really said it to a friend. but no, don't worry, I don't cut myself and I don't binge. I NEVER binge.....I just slowly eat one cookie at a time about every 20 minutes and by the end of the 2nd day, there aren't any cookies left---uh-oh! actually, I don't eat cookies much here-----it is Graham crackers, yum! dunked in milk)

When I grow up, I'm going to be smart and thin.

and let's hope I have a strong value system since those are very empty values. (well....nothing wrong with smart----wish I was)

and I don't have the imposter syndrome. You know....that I'm not really successful even though I am/sort of thing.
No, I'm too genuine to be an imposter.
I just plain don't belong here! I'm not fooling anyone!

I'm like a hick here. I'm too emotional. Most of these people are very very social restrained. Very controlled in their self-presentation. They are careful of what they say. Not very REAL.
They aren't fake, though. I've seen plenty of THAT in the South. Mean people acting nice. yuk.

but they are genuine, just not so emotional as me. Every now and then a couple of them WILL be emotional---and that's nice. and I'm living life right in front of them. Like if we were on a cruise ship and stuck in close quarters. There is no place to hide all my fearful emotions.

but I work on keeping it down since I went nuts when I first got behind in economics.
at least when I took that test, I could actually set up the graphs on each problem. That was my goal. I should have believed for more, though. Yet I wasn't able to. I so dread my score!

To make things worse (or better, it can be both ya know)---I am going home on Saturday (see? better!) but I'll miss econ on Monday (see?...worse).

I asked one friend if she could consider video taping it for me. A voice recorder just won't bring out the nuance of those graphs and equations on the board!

Tomorrow I have to turn in the stats, so I better get back to it.
Keep sending the emails. They sure do brighten my day---or if they are traumatizing ones---give me diversions from my own pain. and gives me a chance to pray for someone else!
We're all in this life together!

Pray something....anything positive. It's really hard to believe I can make it here. It's dark and cold and strange and lonely and hard work and I'm inadaquate. What would make me want to stay when my hubby has a great job in a beautiful warm city? Perhaps I was being too ambitious. If he were here living with me, I know I could manage the negative feelings that come from not being able to do top work (like all A's!). But since he works for such a great company--I think he needs to stay where he is.

Econ midterm exam tomorrow--Need equation grace

"Rejoice-the Lord is King!" first appeared in John Wesley's Moral and Sacred Poems in 1744, and two years later in Charles Wesley's collection, Hymns for our Lord's Resurrection.
"Rejoice--the Lord is King! Your Lord and King adore! Rejoice, give thanks, and sing and triumph evermore! Lift up your heart, lift up your voice! Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
"Jesus the Savior reigns, the God of truth and love; when He had purged our stains He took His seat above: Lift up your heart, lift up your voice! Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
"His kingdom cannot fail--He rules o'er earth and heav'n; the keys of death and hell are to our Jesus giv'n: Lift up your heart, lift up your voice! Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
"He all His foes shall quell, shall all our sins destroy; and every bosom swell with pure seraphic joy: Lift up your heart, lift up your voice! Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
"Rejoice in glorious hope! Our Lord the Judge shall come and take His servants up to their eternal home: Lift up your heart, lift up your voice! Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!"

Rainy

All rainy and cold, which reminds me, gotta make a flight to S.A. instead of the usual A. Instead, Mr will have to drive a couple hours to pick me up. I'm going to check on it. AA has a supersaver fare that you can get this weekend to fly on Nov 7.

Mom comes tonight. Her flight is delayed, which works out great for me because I was going to have to leave extra early to avoid rush hour traffic and then just sit over there forever. Now I can go closer to arrival time. They have a cell phone waiting area here, which is great. You can sit there for up to two hours, as long as you stay in your car, and the passenger can call you when they touch down or have their luggage---then you go drive to the airport five minutes away and the passenger can be out there waiting for you--but just briefly---so then you don't have to do the loop around the airport if they haven't come out yet. Great idea!

and the weather is interesting here. So wet. A lot like Arkansas. Lots of rain there too. It's often dark here. but it hasn't bothered me yet.

I went to a party with women who are doctors, lawyers and live in the nicest suburb. They were discussing their preschoolers and their nannies. It was very socioculturally interesting as I never had a nanny---and they were so intense with some of the preschool stuff theywere discussing. Reminded me of homeschool mom's passion when discussing public schooling.

One of the women is a pediatrician and she's playing in a pub downtown (the big city downtown) on Nov 7. Too cool! I would go except I hope to get back to town. And my friend wasn't going to be able to make it----and so I don't think I'd go downtown to a pub by myself. But I might be able to get a couple of the cohort to go with me and make it a night of fellowship. I'd really like to see a woman pediatrician playing in a band onstage......very austin.

At the party, we were switching clothes. It was a party where you bring the best of what you haven't worn in a year. They loved my stuff! So that was gratifying. I could have brought mountains of stuff---but I had a garage sale and sent the rest of it away.

Mom and I will be tight in this small place. I've got to study for econ. She likes to go to eat and go shopping, but we also get to go to the museum to see king tut stuff on Saturday. I am not too big on king tut, but I've seen it before and it is beautiful! I liked the russian tsar stuff I saw in Houston. I missed the napoleon stuff in memphis--darn. that would have been cool.
and I saw the shroud of turin. not too impressed though.
oh well.

I like to go to the armadillo bazaar at christmas! This year I might actually buy some art.

my place is a wreck. but I did my stats and econ. early and I'm doing good homework wise.
starting to feel normal.

Blessings to everyone---PARTICULARLY MY FAVE J!

Monday--got a pic on here after all!

It was a good way to start a Monday with hubby here. But then he left. I managed to hold myself together---pretty rough! But if I can manage, then I want to capitalize on the stability I received from having him near me. I feel so much better. The world looks better.
and he bought me a big coat. It is a long (all the way to my shoes) black down coat with a hood lined with fur (like my little kippie) and it zips all the way up the front.
The air has turned arctic since......not sure--maybe Friday? Thursday? Wednesday? I don't know, but it was not too bad on Saturday and then it got REALLY cold and then rain came and I had my coat by then.

I'm working on economics and it is pretty dismal. There I was feeling all up to it, and then I go to work the problems by myself and I can't figure out where to put the substitution effects and the income effects. I could just guess, but I really want to make an educated guess. I'm understanding more about the principles. We just move so fast from one thing to another, but we are starting to repeat now.

We've done budget constraints (which are so easy now----I wish we could go back to those. and to think that I was thrown off course by those! oh well), elasticity, we're doing policy programs right now....
....like if workers were given 5,000 a year if they didn't work and/or 20% in addition to their wages and were able to work a job at $5 an hour, what would they do?
Well, giving money in a lump sum tends to be a dis-incentive to work. That part is pretty obvious to anyone, but then graphing it is not quite so easy. Then we look at the 20% addition to the wage. The good thing is that for the fellow who wants to work hard, he can make more. But there are many who are better off choosing NOT to work more and get the higher amount of money. But the lump sum is there to care for the ones who CANNOT work--yet some slackers get in on it.
When they make work-incentive programs, yes, many more people work---but then the handicapped widows are left with nothing. They cannot work.
and there are always price considerations of programs.---no one wants to pay too much for them.

and I TRIED to add a picture but the add-picture feature just isn't working. sorry. makes me sad. I like adding pictures sometimes.

Mr is at the airport. S got lost on the way. She's gone too far and had to stop and ask for directions and is headed back to take the exit off of the main interstate. So she's still about 30 minutes away and Mr is there---has waited 40 minutes already because his flight came in 30 minutes early!
that is so crazy! I can't believe it got there that early because the flight is not that long.

I'm trying to remember that God is more important than all of this and that none of it matters for eternity. Economics is important now, but I pray I can keep my anxiety down so that I can do what I CAN do instead of obsessing about what I can't do.

I really did like it better when I was at the top of the class. There have only been a couple of students better or equal to me---the ones that come to mind ALSO made it into good graduate schools. (TX A.M. and Claremont for a clinical psych in forensic).

and well, I'm not the best at math, don't like to do it and econ has a lot of it. and sometimes it is so easy, but I just blank out.
So any prayers for my economics mid-term would be helpful. Sending me a written one would be good (just to increase my faith) and I can assure you I will be relying on the Lord. Because He HAS put a good brain in there, but it is hard to wade through some of the gunk.
I do have a good test taking mentality and I usually have very very good focus when I take a test. That has served me very well and I am so thankful to God. It's like everything gets clear and narrows down to that one experience and one moment and I give myself totally to that test and I trust myself. Somehow it has always flowed. We'll see what happens in this environment, but I choose to think optimistically about test taking until proven otherwise.

My Mister

Well, hold the phones, MY MR. got promoted! Woo Hoo! He's a director! YES! YEA! YEAH!

We've waited and hoped it wasn't going to be in December or April! but there is no telling about these things--all super hush hush.
but the cat is out of the bag.
twenty three skidoo (actually--this one is not relevant).

He recently was given a raise as his company was instituting a retention program as incentive to the best and the brightest to remain within. Along with that came a bonus next year about this time and then the two years after that (Christmas aid!)
So YES, I AM bragging.
but geesh! Wouldn't YOU? (Maybe you are even more humble or self-deprecating than I am---and I hardly even know that word) but I am very pleased and he is pleased as well.

When we were young and he had big dreams, we didn't think of him being a director at a big company. No, he was hoping for a really strong mid-range job ---and he's been very very happy with the job he has. He has actually been functioning as a director since before last november when he moved over into services development. It was part of his performance plan to show that he could leverage his skills across business segments and IT segments---which he has more than demonstrated.
I mean, gosh darn it! I am so proud of my baby!
I have sure raised him well. He's a good boy! and I love love love him.

He came up here Thursday and all is right with my world. I had to go to some all day conferences but he came to one of the receptions (or two) and got to meet a couple of people--including my advisor.
Then afterwards, he came and picked up some of the cohort (D drove the rest of em) and we all met up at a place in town for some eats and laughs.
I have a great cohort and a great hubby. I was telling everyone--"Hey, S got promoted to director!" and they'd be saying, "Congratulations!" and I was embarrassing him--so I quit that--but it was fun. I was so proud. and still am.
Such a big company. It is a tremendous vote of confidence. The pyramid gets mighty tight up top. It goes ------Head of the Company (we all know him!)---then he has a partner--can't think of what they call him--but they function like equals--so I don't know if you say that so-and-so is under the big name of the company or what!
Well, then there is the CIO of IT. Then there is Mr's boss.
So ....
Big name, CIO, Acting or soon to be VP, and Director SR.
It blows my mind (but not, since I've been expecting it for about 2 years---maybe a little more. Since I decided to go for the PhD (2004), I gave Mr the green light to go for the Director. I knew it would take significant cognitive resources, but I was heading into the long tunnel myself, so we felt we were in a time of our lives when we could afford to start investing in that way. The children are nearly out of the house (not sure if we ever officially get to announce that as done!).

So Mr took that opportunity to start the process and now, sure enough, here he is! Now he'll have to figure out new goals and values. I've informed him that his next developmental step is to think of what he'd like to accomplish that goes BEYOND some object that is bigger and more expensive (to think beyond big cars, big houses, etc so that the next goal is not just a "bigger" something---but maybe a "deeper" something since our material goals are so achievable).

What a weird place to be. But in it all, we honor God because there are plenty of people as hard-working, smart, and good-looking (well, maybe not as good looking) as Mr, but he has made it into a circle of a select few.

and now with me working in a doctoral program that develops policies to fight poverty---my husband has become an executive.
Oh my----it is the disparities equation!


Well, these are good problems to have.
I've been rich and I've been poor----and rich is better.
Let us consider wisely how we will disperse our resources!

Forgive me for my joy! I am really happy and thankful.

Long DAYS

http://www.cubpack81.com/images/carve_pumpkin.swf

Anyone reading this blog knows me.....and knows I don't do halloween. My dad sent me this link, though, and it is so cute!

You can carve a pumpkin.

that was fun for me because my decision to stop participating in halloween has meant that I don't do certain things.
.....but its not that I'm opposed to pumpkin carving, merely that I wouldn't display a carved pumpkin because that would show support for a day that is also the high holy day of satanic worshippers.
I strongly believe for any and every day....."This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."
and so I do rejoice on Oct 31, but I don't pass out candy or dress up or go to halloween parties and for many many years, neither did my children. This will be the first year they are all away from me, so it is up to them. Usually, we do some special family time stuff. Many times we have gone out of town.
We prefer not to be home when the kids come around (although they sure are cute!).

but I still like this cute link. You get to carve a pumpkin online! (in the privacy of your own home)

Homeland Security

I am working on my homework. This week in proseminar we are discussing minorities and disparities and esteem issues and parenting and .....well, it goes on and on. There are some good articles like this one where the author talks about voluntary minorities and involuntary minorites (like native americans or african americans). How african americans may not want to learn to speak standard English and see it as detracting from their culture and as a requirement imposed on them. Whereas voluntary minorities, such as Asian immigrants, want to learn English and see it as additive. They are learning ANOTHER language and don't feel that this has any effect on their identity.
Then I'm writing a paper on genetic and environmental influences on longevity---how it was thought to reside in your genes, but when studied distinctly, there are such weak genetic links that it is mainly environmental. Even in twin studies---they've done some on twins born in 1890-1910 in three or four countries (like sweden, denmark..) ---about 10,000 twin sets! (and I'm not talking sweaters, ladies).

That is a pretty powerful amount. and it is something like at most, 4% heritable in women and maybe at most 1 % in men (and I think that is if you are a twin and what happens to your twin). I'm not likely making sense, it is all jumbled in my head.
and yes, I have to write a paper on it. 8 pages (not including cover sheet and references).

I've done most of the background work and thought of a cute way to start the paper. I'm going to start with this.....
“Who wants to live forever?” Rock band Queen sang the question in a ballad for the 1986 movie, The Highlander. Connor MacLeod, grieving, had outlived his bride, Heather, because he was immortal. The song continued, “…When love must die”. Conversely, most humans are still interested in a long, healthy life and investigations are under way to discover where the keys to longevity lay hiding.
In her New York Times article, “Live Long? Die Young? Answer Isn’t Just in Genes.” Gina Kolata reviews both stories from individuals and some of the latest research on genetic determinants of aging to see what treasures they hold for the future. Alas, she asserts that genes are not the determining factor in longevity. Although the pendulum has gone both ways in the past, both nature and nurture are seen as influential interacting across the entire developmental life span of the human being and often in complex ways.

Okay, so I don't have it worked out yet. The first sentences are still icky.
but I thought I'd see if she likes them clever.
You are always supposed to have good titles and catchy opening sentences. Well, I hope there are an infinite number of good openers out in the universe because I'm going to need a couple thousand before I leave this dimension.

STILL saturday!??

9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.



I'm trying, really, I'm trying.

I watched some praise DVDs I have of worship music showing nature scenes. I went to Target for a chance of scenery. I managed to get the NY Times article broken down and read a couple of the supporting reference articles. I made hamburgers, ate some oreo thin crisps and talked to K online. I've written a couple of emails and done some web searches (I googled my own name and there I was---and not just the horrid McNair Scholar photos with my hair dark and short when I was trying that look in case it was more professional--and it wasn't--just made me look washed out and old--oh well).

It might be the isolation. Mom and Ms C.T. both told me I'd be lonesome. I didn't really agree, but maybe that's some of what this is. It doesn't exactly FEEL like lonesome, but it could be that. It feels like incompetence without reassurance or no social support so that I can get my homework done. I have to actually GO ASK people to help me AGAIN and I'm not sure how often I can do that!
and its funny, because I really thought I'd matured to the point where I could give help or ask for help whenever either one were required. But here I am resistant to asking for help again. It is hard to be openly NOT getting what everyone else seems to get.
and they try to be nice "Oh, that one was hard for me, too" but that is such a bunch of bologne!

well, this is how I process folks. I complain, I whine, I get dramatic. Where is my picture of a girl laying in the road? I love that picture.
the good thing is that I do NOT have a migraine, but I DO have a sore throat and a zit on my chin.

PICK ONE

any one of these images could represent me.

Think of them as visual analogies for what I am feeling.

I am frustrated. I do not have the social system that I require here.

I am a high maintenance girl! And then no one understands my Jesus side here.

oh woe is me.

Today I tried to do my statistics. I had reviewed the problem set and was thinking, Oh okay. This should be no problem.

Then I entered the data into SPSS (statistical software). It did not compute right. I didn't know what should be my dependents and what should be my factors and how to designate one line for males and one for females (I tried calling them 1 and 2, like I do in mini-tab).

So I can't do my stats. I need help. I'm worried I'm wearing out my cohort. I think I am the oldest, yet I am always needing help. Kind of embarrassing!

Then I went to write the paper. But as happened with economics, once I am emotionally locked up because of something (today it is the stats program that I can't get to work right---last weeks its been the economics) ---there is a spillover effect.

While I normally consider myself pretty good at writing papers, I feel paralyzed with this one. It's a 10 page paper reviewing a New York Times article. Very straight forward.

But I don't want to write. I don't want to do anything. I want to go back to sleep again.

Yesterday I slept until nearly noon. Then feel asleep around 6pm until 9pm. Then went back to bed around 11 and slept until noon today.

Seems like that should be enough sleep, but I'm still tired. I want to go home. I can't see doing this for three years. I don't know what I was thinking (actually, I was trusting God and I still should, but it seems impossible---not the trusting God part, but the managing these emotions day after day after day--and all alone).

but if I go home, it will take so LONG before I am okay with that choice. To have passed up this opportunity, well, I better not quit unless I am SURE I can't do it.

If it weren't for dumb classes, I would love this place. But classes are a big part of it. soo......we'll see.

Snow, fire alarms, cats in bags and boys on dogs

Well, it has been quite a day.

The picture of the plant (far left) is supposed to show the snow.
It's snowing here, but
then look at this adorable boy on a dog.
I know this boy and this dog!
The cute little man is a friend's son. I've been watching him grow and he is so precious as he turns into a little guy! The dog seems to like him alright, don't cha think?

Love and Hugs to his mommy!
and to his doggie!

Today was such a day.
I got up, it was artic and snowing, very fun.
I had class, all my classmates went to an early one. I am determined NOT to go to that early one! I want to SLEEP and get ready slowly. I arrive at 11. (they went at 9:30).

But the snow was so captivating that I took a ton of pictures. If I didn't send them to you, send me an email and I will! (because not everyone's name is plugged into my kodakgallery and I send from there).
I only put about 22 on the kodak gallery album.

Then the fire alarm went off in my building and I stuffed my cat into a tote bag and headed down. There were all my neighbors with their dogs and babies and such. The single people went out into the courtyard, but it was FREEZING out there and I forgot my coat, so I stayed inside if they weren't going to make us go out.

Then when I got back, I realized I had left my wallet in the locker at the gym on campus! (we get to go there for free). So I went down to my car and went back.
the locker was opened. someone had gotten into that particular one.
so I went and asked if they had it at lost and found (I can dream, right?)
BUT THEY DID!!!
and it was full of my cash!
wow.
I am impressed with humanity
and thankful to God.
I mean, I was happy enough to get the wallet, but the money all still there? Someone is a good person!

so man.
I'm going to do my homework tomorrow like a good girl
and declare a day of no adventures.

Peace Out!

OMGOSH!!!! SNOW-----really

I looked out my window just a bit ago.

There was bits of dust flying in the air.
wait!
wait!
It was snow!
WOW! Snow in October.
who'd have known!?!

(well, me .....since I read the Tribune which said it would be cold this week)

The weather report says it is 32---feels like 22---and that there are snow flurries.


And so it begins.
today I walk to the campus in the bitter cold.
This is arctic for the southerners like me, after all, born in Florida, raised in California, living in deep south then becoming a Texan.
Shoot,....not much experience with cold.

Except maybe summertime trips to Montana and going up to Glacier National Park.
and that is hardly REAL cold.
the sun is out, the snow is like a snow cone (hence the name SNOW cone---duh)

but I'm excited.
everyone here ----locals----are saying, "oh man, its gonna be cold" and I think, hey! let's enjoy it! It hasn't been cold yet.
They look at me dully (can you say dully? not sure. how about "with half lidded eyes")--
you won't be talking like that for long.

:-)
That's okay!
I get sunny when I can because I'm riding the rollercoaster of life.
UP and down UP and down
and sometimes DOWN is really scary!
(I never throw my hands up, but rather grip the safety bar with all my strength and begin praying).


So I'll enjoy the snow today. I'll see if I manage to capture it photographically, but I've got a busy day, so I'm not sure I can.
Blessings all around.
snowy snowy cold.
Brrrrr.
How nice!
Less sweat maybe? I can hope

Leaves changing

I took this pic on th eway to school yesterday. See the train up over that truck on the right? maybe you can't really see it in this one (it is ugly anyway).
but the trees are beautiful. There are green ones too that are changing and getting lighter, some yellow, some orange, some red. Some brown on the ground. We don't get this back home!

headache

dang, wouldn't you know? I said I haven't had headaches.
then I start doing my economics and I get one.

i sure hate the algebra. I don't mean to be so wimpy! I wish I had
forced myself to do it earlier. I managed to force myself for the GRE.
but I did start taking College Algebra twice and dropped and business
algebra once and dropped. I knew I'd need to go through it, but everytime
we started up with that dang quadratic equation and I'd find a reason
why it just wasn't right for me.

I did try tutoring at ACC, but it was still too tough for me.
so then if Jesus got me through the GRE with a reasonable math score (it was
only 55% though----640 out of 800, but most people do better).
So I am only an average graduate student in math (and only 85% on verbal! ME? I
was shocked! I figured 100% on the verbal! ha ha)

in the 55th percentile. Ouch.
and now its costing me!
I hate math! It is so BORING and you have to CONCENTRATE. I don't like that.
anyway, I took some ibuprofen and I'll go back to working.

I also pulled a muscle in my neck. That was odd. I thought it was cramping up,
so I got on the floor and did a bunch of stretching and such. Seems okay now.
oh gosh.
i need prayer.
blah!

classes

This was class yesterday--(not the same pictures as before).

I am doing better in economics. Still can't answer the questions on my own---but I CAN follow all the logic and say what comes next. We're moving right along but the equations just trip me up.
and then in stats, the prof was making all these equations.
something like r equals standard deviations of x over standard deviations of y times x bar (mean of x's). and that part is not so hard, except that somehow I've forgotten how to get my way around the normal curve with the z scores and the chart that tells you what the percentages of numbers are on the left or right of that spot. I know I had it in my mind in spacial representation and now I cannot remember sometimes and that is the EASY part!
we're also using SPSS statistical software and I've been using minitab. I went ahead and downloaded spss onto my computer and my office one has it, but I cannot seem to work in the office.

I've gotten my new reading assignments (another inch and a half of reading like finishing a novel in a week) and a paper to write commenting on an article in the NY Times (which I do get everyday online, but it is hard to read all that!).
and three pages of stats questions and then simple economics questions and I have to go re-read two chapters in order to figure out what to do.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS......My advisor said I don't have to worry about doing any other research right now since I am still in transition. Whew! So that means no more coding and no more interviewing and no more contacting potential interviewees.
Hooray!
that is a load off.
because I really do want to make it here.
and just eating and sleeping seem hard.

and the first snow is coming.
I HOPE it snows.
I want to see it. Later, I will hate snow, loathe snow, curse snow .....(well, I'm not likely to curse anything and I will try to resist even if I'm tempted to start)..........but I know I will cry and whine. Shoot. I do that when it is NOT snowing, so you can count on it when I get sick of the snow.

One cool thing is that it has been a while since I have had a headache.
I'm not sure if it is the blood pressure medicine or not having the stress of mulitple people (family members) wanting this or that and me caught in the middle trying to please them all (impossible).
Here it is just me and I can drive how I want to and even though there is no one to help me cook and clean (like my special baby), I still know that I am not picking up after anyone but Lilykins (who is really not much trouble---her tail is hitting my foot right now. She sits at my feet or lays nearby).

I have the same song playing over and over on my stereo.
All my delight is in you, Lord. All of my heart, all of my strength.
(There is no one else but You, None but you. None but Jesus.
Crucified to set me free, now I live to praise your name.)

and in my car it is "Wonderful, Merciful Savior" playing over and over....sung by Selah.
Wonderful Merciful Savior,
spirit we long to embrace
you offer hope when are hearts have
hopelessly lost the way
Wonderful merciful savior
faithful redeemer and friend
who would have thought that a man could
rescue the souls of men
oh you rescue the souls of men

I'm not sure what the order is. It is such a beautiful song with deep meaning and rich voices and then it has piano slowly playing and then an orchestra comes in.....very moving and peaceful.

and as I was driving around in the mist as the temperature is dropping, I was so relaxed (because I hadn't started my homework)
and mister is at home in a golf tournament for work and having fun probably in the sun.
Here it is cloudy and has been and I'm waiting for the snow.

I'm hoping my big wool coat that I've had for 12 years will be enough. Its a monstrous wool coat with a hood and almost to my ankles. ....and big puffy sleeves. and a bit nappy. Yikes.

but now I must get to work. horrors. I am prayerful that God will show me the way. I would not do this if I thought there were no power above me because I know that I do not have this in me. I am not smart enough nor hard working enough to do this on my own. I am fearful and whiny. Only by trusting God can I put one foot in front of the other and stop looking far down the road to how much work this is.
To think of not seeing my husband for weeks and doing that for years. well, seems impossible. I can only do it step by step. Like on one of the rudolph shows that I saw as a kid......there is the cold guy who has the fire brother and their mother is mother nature.
Rudolph comes and they teach the cold guy to
"Just put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking cross the flo---oo---or"
"Just put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the dooooooor"
:-)

So I hope eventually, through the grace of the Lord and through faith in Him, that I will be putting one foot in front of the other and somehow He will provide strength until finally I am walking out the door and back home with a PhD. Could it be possible?

I pray if I fail and return home sad----that still I would glorify God for His goodness in giving me the opportunity. If I died now, I would say, be happy for me! I have achieved a dream! and I am so thankful to have been accepted here.
but since I likely won't die.....I can only hope that I will have what it takes to finish. It's a long road and a lot of work. and so I better get to it.

With my family

Had a chance to go home. It was sure nice. I knew where everything was---everyone knows me.

I couldn't sleep last night. It was awful.

Then when I came home, I took a nap.
When I woke up, my first thought was "Darn. I am still here."

This might be too hard! I'm discouraged. There is so much work here.

Maybe I'm allergic to work.

Maybe I need my special.

Mr is "my special"--it comes from making a joke like this: "You are special. ......Special Ed." I heard that one when I worked at a medical clinic and then we shortened it to ----special. You are my special. and then we said, "You are my specialist." Which meant---most special.....kind of babytalk I suppose--but not spoken in babytalk. Because a specialist is really someone important who knows all the stuff. So it is a complement that grew out of the opposite of the Special Education joke.

My cohort

Here are those wonderful people I work with and one of our professors on the back row on the right. Me on the left. I'll post more.

Soon I'll be breaking down my computer to take it home to my K.
We're going to see why they can't hear the sound there.

I like this picture. I was able to get in it because a professor came by and we snagged him ----we pressed him into service.

warm little memories brought to me by amazon.com

It is so great how you can go look at books on amazon.

I was taking a little break from economics.
There, I was learning about how income changes (income effects) and substitution effects work together for total effects for a normal good or an inferior good.

I learned how you take this line from income on the y to a quantity on the x and you push it out until it hits the indifference curve. There you make a new point. That is the point where if the consumer had an increase in their income, they would still buy less of the now more expensive good, but they would be able to be about as happy about it.

I'm making progress.

But since it is such heavy thinking, it was so nice when a new friend, C, wrote me an email and I had written her a poetic looking email and said it looked like A.A. Milne.....she said it looked like e e cummings. (and she's right too!) but mr pooh bear wrote some that look like e e cummings and I was thinking of those.
so I went online to amazon and I looked inside the books.Weeeeeeeeeeeee.
joyous funland.
I feel refreshed.
so I thought I'd tell you and put in some pictures.
:-)

going home soon

First, I want to say the leaves are changing! They are very pretty. I hadn't really noticed because I race around like a banshee.
but a girl was pointing her camera into the sky under the trees today, and I looked up.
AHHHHHhhhhhh..........nice.
Beautiful orangey trees (orangy?), and red and well, odd colors. pale yellow, fire color, pumpkin color, barn color, lime green, dark green----a great range.

There isn't much of that in texas!

I rushed up to the school this evening with my econ homework. Wow, I actually did some problems. Whoa.
and some I hadn't had help with yet, I did those myself (ha ha for right answers though)
but you get credit for trying.
somewhere between 1 (good job leaving room for improvement) and 3 (good job period.) and the two is something like "you are on the right track much of the time"
I'm hoping to improve to a 2 this time.

I'm getting ready to go home tonight.
It is so exciting!
I am trying to remember everything I need to remember--but of course, I keep forgetting.

The other day, I gave a woman my notebook so she could copy my economic notes because she wasn't there. Then I went looking for the notebook by going back to the classroom we were just in. Then went back to my office talking about "how on earth could my notebook disappear between here and there?" and then the woman put it back in my hands since she was done copying.
oh geesh.

and I went to lunch and forgot my umbrella.
that's at least not TOO out of the ordinary.

I suppose I'm a bonafide airhead.
Is it because I color my hair?
I'm not REALLY a blond.
shoot, my hair is so dark, I don't even come close when I color it,
so it cannot logically be the blond effect.

I am so excited to be going home! I know I already wrote it, but I wanted to type it again!
I wonder if it will be hard to come back.
I love it here.
I love them more.
but I can't have both.
at least I don't LOSE them by coming here.
I just can't smell or touch them.
I can see them in the web cam.

The web cam is pretty tiring though, as communication devices go. It is sort of draining. It is hard not to look at yourself, which isn't the point at all. I want to minimize the view of me so I can keep from watching Mrs.

Man, I have so much to do and I'm supposed to do it over the weekend.
Can you say, "Impossible" ?

Riding the Roller Coaster

Today was a fabulous day! I introduced my advisor to my cohort for our seminar class (I'll be sending pictures soon) and all was well in the world.

I came home to do my economics---hoping that the procrastination would at LEAST get me started.

I decided I'd do my stats later. Like even tomorrow.
but dang, I could not focus on that economics reading. It is really horrible.

I looked over the problems, but there is no way I can do them without understanding the principles laid out in the chapters. I can't read the chapters because I don't understand them and I need someone to explain them to me.
and so I am now going to be behind on the readings.
I couldn't even START on these next readings until I got my homework back and understood that part.
That was just yesterday! I needed to let that soak in a bit.
and I had the big event of moderating the class today in our seminar---it was a big deal to me and I was very excited and prepared heavily---all week really.

and then I just sort of gave up on the stats, sent my cohort an email of "HELP" and decided nothing could be done--I'd have to go find out what happens if you fail something. Normally they kick PhD students OUT if your grade average falls below a B+. I expected that.
but I didn't expect to be able to hit the ground running on economics.

Next I started on Stats, but as happened last week, once my brain shuts down on the econ, there is a flow-over effect on the stats, which is crazy because I know how to do it. Well, I realized that I needed SPSS software in order to do these questions. and I don't have it at home.
Supposedly I have it at the office.
However, I can't even get into my office except during business hours because there is a hall door that cuts off access to my office---and the hall door is locked after hours (pain in the butt).
So I went to download SPSS on my home computer.
I went on e-academy. It already knows me. but I told it to send me the password, and it won't. I keep checking and it won't! and I am not sure what is happening.

I put in my new school email and it already knew me---that means it should send to that address and not the st. eds one. and if it goes to the sbcglobal, that is the one I use too, so man, why am I not getting my password!

It is as if the gods are against me, which is double cruel since I don't believe in gods. I believe in One God, Jesus Christ, and He is FOR ME.
So maybe this is all a figment of my imagination and I need to get over it.

someone start praying.

I go home this weekend to visit hubby and I didn't want to spend the weekend doing SCHOOLWORK, although there is likely no way around it.
I have plans to go to K's apartment where he will cook for us and to take the girls shopping (and myself!) on saturday and church on sunday before I head back here.

oh man.
I don't know what is going to happen or how this will work out, but it doesn't seem fair that I am just a couple weeks in school and already starting the "I'm going to fail" song.
I think of rocky and bullwinkle "but that trick never works!" ...."This time for sure!"......
but it doesn't.
so maybe I won't fail.
poor logic.

where is my optimism when I need it?
I am relying on my faith and pressing forward although it doesn't seem likely that I'll jump this economics hurdle.
maybe they would let me cross it off the list of required courses??? I can dream (and I can pray!)

My faith is not in myself, thankfully, it is in one greater than me.
We shall see what He has determined.

Terrible Storm AGAIN

Okay, the hail is hitting my windows and scaring my kitty AGAIN.
DANG, it is serious. It is just like ROCKS! that's what happened right
before the tornado last time---except that I checked weather.com this
time and it was only a severe thunderstorm.
I say "only" but I hope my windows don't get broken---or anyone else's.
This has got to be seriously damaging to cars. But I don't watch the news
here, good heavens, I won't either. I watched it when I was visiting and
it was TERRIBLE! but then I went home and watched Austin news and it
was just as terrible.

today was a great day, except for that time I was drenched in a powerful
downpour, but actually, I liked that too. At least it cooled me down a bit---since
it didn't actually break my umbrella. But the other night when we went to the
party, we were walking from the train to the apartment and my umbrella
did that backwards thing.

I'm so tired of sweating here.
I wish I were skinny.
There is so much work.
I want to avoid some of it.
So I bought an INSTYLE magazine, because I love it.
I only read through half of it while I ate my bisquick pancakes
which I've been avoiding due to sodium but I was craving sweets today.

I took my lasagne to lunch and heated it (good girl) and now I'm going to
write the introduction for tomorrow. I'll be introducing my professor in our
seminar. I hope it is fun.
I've sure enjoyed the interviewing and now on to the coding.

oh man, it sounds so bad out there.
it is scary!
I think it is just torrential rain running down the pipes or something.
poor lilykins.

Article in the New York Times

There was an article about a California psychotherapist using the torah and talmud as her guide to parenting. Her book, first put in the jewish area and barely published, is now all the rage.
The article is a long one, so here is a small passage:

In her work, Mogel often sees children and teenagers who are petulant and awkward — young people who refuse to extend the simple courtesy of a greeting, or who feel too uncomfortable to respond to adults’ well-meaning questions. As a template for reasonable expectations, she looks to the Talmud’s instructions on social obligations. The rabbis came up with detailed guidelines for derekh erets, a phrase that means “way of the land” and basically describes an ancient version of etiquette. It includes the mitzvah hakhnasat orkheem, or hospitality. People receiving guests at their homes should greet them at the door and escort them inside; be cheerful during the visit; offer food and drink; ask the guests about themselves; and escort them to the door when they leave. Mogel urges that teaching children accordingly counters a “culture of narcissism,” as she puts it, in which children are encouraged to express their feelings even when the result is a show of bad manners. “The Talmud says the mitzvah of hospitality is as important as Torah study and a way to honor God. That’s because all of this trains us in the habit of thinking about other people’s feelings,” Mogel says. “The rabbis understood how we learn compassion.”

I thought of Juanita's children. How politely they meet me and greet me. How are you? Fine, how are you? Good manners.
This is an excellent article. I was just telling Mr about daughter's view towards church---don't yield to the resistance---of course she is going to resist. She is tired and would rather sleep. But she doesn't REALLY hate going and will go willingly, if you just allow her a mood here and there.
So I don't require my children to FEEL the same way I do about things, but there are many things we must do whether we feel like it or not. We can allow them the liberty of their private emotions, we are not seeking to CONTROL, merely direct. There is a difference.
Some parents want their children to THINK just like they do---and really, this can't be done. At best, you shut them down, and at worst you merely get someone parroting what you say, but walking away in another directions. So for your own selfish interests, let the children feel.......but don't give in to them because they are as inherently selfish as you are!
:-)

and if my friends do not write more emails or make them longer, I may resort to listening to NPR. Which is "all the rage" (there's that cliche again Dad) around academic circles. I'm trying to hold out and measuring how long I am able to do it. I've been able to hold out against TV for years---we'll see.

Prayer

Tonight, sundown begins Yom Kippur.

The holiest day, when the faithful spend their day in repentance of sins against God, including sins of the tongue.

May God forgive me for the sins of the tongue!
I am thankful for the cleansing power of the blood of Jesus, the lamb of God forever and ever.

16th century Frankfurt prayer:

O Lord, the Scripture says,
'There is a time for silence,
and a time for speech.'
Saviour, teach me,
the silence of humility,
the silence of wisdom,
the silence of love,
the silence of perfection,
the silence that speaks without words,
the silence of faith.
Lord, teach me to silence my own heart
that I may listen to the gentle movement
of the Holy Spirit within me
and sense the depths which are of God.

This post-doc who works with my advisor was presenting some of his research directions at a forum yesterday---and he said one theme in his life is going for the underdog.

that resonates with me.

I have always been for the underdog.

this is my little k.

the computer doc

they love him (computers love him)

if computers ever become sentient, I'll be related to their fav human

I got these off some guy's blog.

I should read my Bible, my texts, my interviews (to code them)---but instead I took a trip down random blog street. I really like the "next blog" button on blogspot. Give it a try!

I saw these. My first thought is "my brother loves these!" and then I remember loving them myself. I was pretty young when we watched these, though. Seems I was way earlier than age 10--maybe 5 or 6?..... Bro would know.

I can't remember how it went, but it was a good show and I really really liked the intro song. And the way they would take a sharp breath all the time-- and everything was pretty hyper compared to other shows in those days.

hhmmmnnn....

I watched Scooby and Fred Flintstone. LOVED those shows. Bugs bunny, pink panther, and ...............

anyone remember Sigmund the Sea Monster? That wasn't a good show---but I LOVED the one with the sleestacks, or however you say it. The Land of the Lost.

Where the Dad with his son and daughter fall through time and end up living with dinosaurs and aliens. You couldn't have high standards for realism when you watched, but I liked the story lines.

I also liked the Partridge Family and the Monkees. I was an music video girl from the start! Disney helped with Cinderella and Snow White, two of my faves.

Then I would never let my children watch those movies because I didn't want them enamoured with magic.

Yeah, but then my youngest ended up watching MTV shows that I can't even stomach! like, my gay date or something like that---oh it is sick. Or this show where these guys do funny stunt type stuff and one shows his behind quite frequently. They are crass and rather vulgar, although humorous---Mr gets a big kick out of it anytime he manages to catch one. and there is this really weird show that is like a japanese show where they have to do hard things like go through a maze and then swing across water or something and I can't remember but it seems like someone dubs over it in English---or maybe not--but either way---you do not know what the people are saying in their own language --and people get hurt. It reminds me of a hyper America's funniest home videos.

Today I drove around doing errands. I LOVED driving. I never get to drive. Only every few days. Maybe next year if I am still here, I will move somewhere else a couple of miles away and then drive in and park near campus. That way I will get to drive each day and maybe won't have to wear comfort shoes all day every day.

Went to a party last night. The second years put on a party for the first years and all years come (no faculty). It was fun. It was at a BEAUTIFUL downtown home. Beautiful, elegant, and artsy. They had a porch where he had a grill out there, a mondo grill (which made their son a house) and they could see the library and other downtown sights. It was so awesome! I don't have a porch at all. I have a grate in front of the sliding glass door! So it has the EFFECT of porch, but if you open that sliding glass door, well, it's a long drop if you are a paper doll. Since I'm a tad chubbier, I won't fit through the space between my doorway and the little railing stuck right onto the wall on either side of my door ---a faux porch. uhg.

But that's okay because I am not the type who sits in public anyway. I don't like my neighbors to see me. I'm so private at home! I'm gregarious in general when I'm in public, but when I get home---TRANSFORMATION. Grouchy girl--leave me alone.

But it is my recouperating time. Hey, I was raised by introverts. I know no other way. Full extroverts exhaust me. Even my baby L can get over chatty when I'm at home---but when I am out, she is so fun--keeping up a non-stop banter. Her and her friend Carrie.

The Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you and give you peace.

Interviewed participant

OH I finally got to do what I've come here for.........well, I suppose I've come for many things.....but I got to do a FULL LENGTH life story interview with someone AND with
two subsections ---one on faith and one on politics.
It was so good.

what a rush!

How awesome to hear someone spell out some of their life's most pivotal moments! I love when people talk about some of their important memories. I love "story sharing" where you get together with people and some topic comes up and then everyone ends up telling their version of a story on that.
like when someone says, "Oh that's nothing! Listen to what happened to ME!....." that's always a good story.
or if someone says,
"Oh my gosh, that's happened to me, too." and then the circle continues.
I always enjoy hearing those (and telling them!)

I enjoy the little kid stories. Oh my goodness, kids are fun and an endless source of humor and joy (among other things!)

I finished my Economics homework, too, for those who heard of my dispair--Did I put it on here?). I hope I get it back on Monday and then I'll know if I'm just crazy and way off OR if I am merely stupid. One of those (no, hopefully not---but for the sake of a lame line--I wrote it).

Heck, I have to keep a pace going or else who is even going to WANT to read this thing (well, I will---ha ha!)

If you read this blog, maybe send me an email about what is your favorite picture on this blog. Favorite picture since I started it.

Sometimes I check out other people's blogs on blogspot and it is so interesting to see the anonymous (or not anonymous) stories that people put out about themselves.

major mood tornado

Doing econ problems and they are hard. They are not hard if you are up on Economics at the moment, so I feel dumb for even saying it.
and I know I remember how to do this somewhere in my brain, but this is no intro class. You are supposed to already know economics.

After all, I have a college degree, right? and I did take micro-economics and enjoyed it----and actually made an A!
but it sure seems hard to believe.

I'm discouraged, though. I am feeling less optimistic. To think I have YEARS of this stuff ahead of me!
yet, I don't want to go home and work at some dumb job.

I want to TEACH.
I want to make a difference.

So I pray for persistance, diligence, stability. Good sleep and a head that feels good and thinks well, with attentional strengths (I pray against headaches and discouragement, in the name of Jesus) and I focus on my future goals and my wonderful husband and my great children and all that God wants to do in us and through us as we fix our eyes on Him.

Trying to figure out what rent controls do to the market, price supports.....

Wait. Here are some pitfalls in decision making. Avoid these:
1. Ignoring implicit costs
2. Failing to ignore sunk costs
3. Measuring costs and benefits as proportions rather than absolute dollar amounts (I cannot convince Mr on this one! drives me nuts)
4.Failure to understand the average-marginal distinction (I'm not as good at this one myself)

Okay, those were the easy ones.
It's the equations that get me.
more on that later.....

SCROLL THROUGH TO THE BOTTOM

Lots of pics of my babies on this page. K, L, and S!
Love to you guys!

My Cat Lily (AKA Lilykins)

You can see that my cat is really enjoying having her person all to herself. She revels in her queendom. I wait on her hand and foot. Brought her a little pillow of catnip today, fed her, pet her, keep her litter clean. What a life. She's chilling in the living room.

Little K, all grown up

I was GOOD!

I was good. I wrote my paper.
Isn't this little puppy cute?

Thank you anyone who might have happened to read my blog and then pray for me! I am actually going to send a link because I feel too guilty overloading all my friends with long emails and I'm in a chatty mood!

Here's my paper.
This is a dumb one. Then why am I sharing it? Well, it will make more sense when I talk about how everyone ELSE's paper was.

You don't have to read it----
My interests in human development began in the spring of 1982. Although my school record was dismal, I sparked to life when I embarked on the study of psychology, a half-credit elective that I took following government in my junior year of high school. Suddenly, I could not get enough of the course readings, I relished my homework, I aced every test and the teacher that once seemed horrendously boring became my favorite. I realized that I was onto something. Clearly, I was able to accomplish a heavy workload if my interests were engaged.
I applied this new work ethic to the monotonous classes and they came to life for me as well, but nothing on the same line as the psychology class…until I came to the child development portion of a home economics class in my senior year. We were given a special textbook about child development for one portion of the class and I read the whole thing, even asking my teacher if I could purchase it. Delighting in babies was new. I had never really been around any, but their developmental paths seemed incredibly engaging and I toyed with the idea of having a baby myself.
It was not long before that was a reality. I was supposed to graduate and move with my father to California for college, but as my parents divorced, I chose to marry my high school sweetheart. My college plans were put on hold when I was pregnant after four months. Cheerfully, I decided I would have my family young and return to school when they were older. I read an American Baby Magazine special publication for new mothers to track my baby’s intellectual, social and physical development month by month.
When I had my third child, I studied midwifery and was reading books such as Your Baby and Child: Birth to Five Years by Penelope Leach and The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger. I was involved and surrounded with people in my local church. I was present at friends’ births and was a doula for some of them, but I was most invested in promoting good families. I taught marriage and parenting classes at church and I mentored teen moms in the community, educating them as a volunteer prenatal educator through Any Baby Can of Austin and through the Teenage Parent Council of Austin.
I was critically aware of the development of my children and the many children around me in my life, even as they became teens and went off to college. But my husband brought substantial changes in our life when he went back to school in 1990 and then began working for Dell in 1995. I knew then I wanted schooling to be more accessible to the lower classes and minorities because of the discrepancies between the working class and the middle class.
My early years with my husband exposed me to families that were on the edge of poverty and I witnessed first hand some of their struggles. My community work exposed even greater disparities between what most Americans consider a normal life and what some people were enduring. I wanted to be part of the solution.
As for my disciplinary heritage, I come from the general psychology major. I have written papers based on attachment theory (psych of religion), social learning theory (research on Chinese women’s identity as women in America), and Erikson’s psycho-social theory (compared to McAdams narrative identity theory). I had an excellent course called Children’s Thinking (Siegler & Alibali, 2005) that delved into socio-cultural theories of development (Vygotsky ..and Rogoff), Piaget (of course), language, memory, social cognition, it was fascinating!
My personal framework would begin with the genes. There is no doubt of the heavy role of genes in the development of the person. On the light side, I have witnessed my own children have odd behaviors of grandparents they never see (walking tip-toe as infants, for example) and I’ve seen the radically different behavior of adopted children, both in other homes and in my own. I raised my half-great-niece for three years, ages two to five. It was a very interesting observation in genetic differences, down to smell. Each of my birth children’s idiosyncrasies can be traced to someone, but hers could not…she enjoyed pulling stickers off of things, crooked socks made her extremely uncomfortable, her hands and feet sweated profusely. From the womb, children come out differently and some of these differences persist.
I view genetic tendencies as a blueprint for the individual. There are potentials there within the person. Certain environments may trigger these potentials, whereas other developmental paths may not. Particularly with the children who are not as resilient….good, stable environments can support the best in these children. Although some children are not going to fare well anywhere, optimal environments impose the least harm.
To explain, suppose there is a child with strong genetic aggression. A good environment will not change that, but it may support cognitive or social learning of other ways of expression thereby neutralizing the worst of that potential. Conversely, a child who is in an adverse situation may not be able to overcome some of their weaker potentials. We each have a general nature that can be expressed at poles. While I may be gregarious and friendly, I can also be overly talkative and insensitive.
Then upon these blueprints, social learning occurs. A child learns from what they view, what they hear, and what they are told. If a mother tells her child that rain is God crying, then the child believes that is true about the world. Children begin to form their idea about themselves from what others tell them and from all the things around them, they form their own ideas about how the world works (the reflexive nature of the self). Their minds are incredibly equipped for this, such as with language learning. Later, as with McAdams narrative identity theory, individuals reformulate their story to make sense of their life.
Regarding self-selection of environments, one point to make for the poor is that they do not always know of alternatives. They may be full of positive potential and not understand their inherent skills waiting to be developed, thereby retarding their own growth inadvertently. This is why I am interested in Human Development and Social Policy. My intention is to teach at the university level and to partner with programs, such as the McNair Scholars program, to increase the underrepresented in academia.
As a McNair Scholar myself, I heard firsthand from Hispanic young women about the barriers to education that they face. Their families are frequently against higher education, believing it to be a waste of time so they encourage their daughters to come home and get a job. Somehow, these girls have gotten themselves into college in spite of their family’s stance on education and I want to help first generation college students get through the maze of obstacles that they see as they approach graduate degrees (even getting their undergraduate degree).
Although over a century of social work has not put an end to poverty, Jesus said we would always have the poor with us---and so we will continue to have a social and moral obligation to care for the orphans, the widows, and the poor. Housing, health care, and education will continue to bring some hope to a hurting world. I persist in optimism and idealism because it generates energy to keep fighting for solutions for the next one coming. I hope that learning more about policies and programs of the past can bring us into greater awareness of focal areas for the future. That is why I am here at HDSP. And I will bring that learning to minorities and first generation college students in my future work in the universities and communities, both in the USA and abroad.

Whew! At least I finished! I'll correct it tomorrow before I send it via email and bring the hard copy to class.

but it got me thinking about the real theories. and so I was looking in an Adult Development book that was an online UT class that Mr. took. It talked about Jane Loevinger's theory....like the conformist stage, self-aware level, conscientious stage, individualistic level, and autonomous stage.
I can see myself going through those. I am not exactly autonomous, but one hallmark is the capacity to deal with inner conflict and that other people are accepted and cherished for what and who they are, with no attempt to make them over.

That has been a good thing to attain. I am not fully immune and I've always got advice for everyone. Both of my parents are the same way.....so it comes naturally to me.....but I don't expect that others have to TAKE my advice. I've even begun to let my own CHILDREN find their way. That is a rough and difficult choice that takes letting go of my own ideals of who I am and what I impart to my children. But it is worth it. I always think of how furious I was with K for not heading right into college---what a waste of relationship! I regret it! I'd rather support him in what HE wants to do.

Be sure to email any comments.

okay, I just don't want to write the paper! It is 4pm and I only work well until about 10pm. papers can take me as much as five hours! that means i only have one hour to kick in with the attentional focus. arrg.

i already took my nap.

aren't these little paws sticking out from under the sheet cute? don't you just wonder who is under there?

today in econ, we had this article.....

Reading the Coca Leaves By JOHN TIERNEYThe most enlightening speech at the United Nations this week, I’m sorry to say, was the one by Evo Morales of Bolivia.I don’t mean it was a good or even a coherent speech. That would be too much to expect from the world leaders’ annual gasathon. The rhetorical bar is extremely low. Morales, like his friend Hugo Chávez, spent much of his time ranting about a new world order based on the economic policies that have worked such wonders in Cuba. But Morales at least brought a visual aid ­ and thank God, it wasn’t a book by Noam Chomsky. Unlike Chávez, he didn’t assign reading homework to the U.N. Instead, he held up a small green coca leaf, and when he talked about international drug policies, he made more sense than anyone in the United States government. We’ve sacrificed soldiers’ lives and spent billions of dollars trying to stop peasants from growing coca in the Andes and opium in Afghanistan and other countries. But the crops have kept flourishing, and in America the street price of cocaine and heroin has plummeted in the past two decades. Meanwhile, we’ve been helping terrorists and other enemies abroad. The Senate has voted to send Afghanistan more money for programs to harass opium growers, whose discontent is already being exploited by the resurgent Taliban. In the Andes, American drug policies made Bolivians so mad that they elected Morales, a former leader of the coca growers, who campaigned for president on the kind of anti-American rhetoric he spouted this week.At the U.N., he denounced “the colonization of the Andean peoples” by imperialists intent on criminalizing coca. “It has been demonstrated that the coca leaf does no harm to human health," he said, a statement that’s much closer to the truth than Washington’s take on these leaves. The white powder sold on the streets of America is dangerous because it’s such a concentrated form of cocaine, but just about any substance can be perilous at a high enough dose. South Americans routinely drink coca tea and chew coca leaves. The tiny amount of cocaine in the leaves is a mild stimulant and appetite suppressant that isn’t more frightening than coffee or colas ­ in fact, it might be less addictive than caffeine, and on balance it might even be good for you. When the World Health Organization asked scientists to investigate coca in the 1990’s, they said it didn’t seem to cause health problems and might yield health benefits.But American officials fought against the publication of the report and against the loosening of restrictions on coca products, just as they’ve resisted proposals to let Afghan farmers sell opium to pharmaceutical companies instead of to narco-traffickers allied with the Taliban. The American policy is to keep attacking the crops, even if that impoverishes peasants ­ or, more typically, turns them into criminals.Drug prohibition in Bolivia and Afghanistan has done exactly what alcohol prohibition did in America: it has financed organized crime. The only workable solution is to repeal prohibition. Give Afghan poppy growers a chance to sell opium for legal painkilling medicines; give Andean peasants a legal international market for their crops in products like gum, lozenges, tea and other drinks. As Ethan Nadelmann of the Drug Policy Alliance proposes, “Put the coca back in Coca-Cola.”That’s what Morales wants, too, and he’s right to complain about American imperialists criminalizing a substance that has been used for centuries in the Andes. If gringos are abusing a product made from coca leaves, that’s a problem for America to deal with at home. The most cost-effective way is through drug treatment programs, not through futile efforts to cut off the supply.America makes plenty of things that are bad for foreigners’ health ­ fatty Big Macs, sugary Cokes, deadly Marlboros ­ but we’d never let foreigners tell us what to make and not make. The Saudis can fight alcoholism by forbidding the sale of Jack Daniels, but we’d think they were crazy if they ordered us to eradicate fields of barley in Tennessee.They’d be even crazier if they tried to wipe out every field of barley in the world, but that’s what our drug policy has come to. We think we can solve our cocaine problem by getting rid of coca leaves, but all we’re doing is empowering demagogues like Evo Morales. Our drug warriors put him in power. Now he gets to perform show and tell for the world.

and when I read it, I thought,...well, we sure wouldn't let anyone tell us not to grow barley. Darned imperialistic of us. But do I want to increase supply of coca to the U.S......no. I am hardly one who is for legalization, although I see some good points to taxation and such. Still, although they discussed coke and meth in class, I was thinking of crack! Since crack became the cheap way to get high, it has destroyed people because of easy access. So I suppose I would want the price of drugs to stay high.

but when I was at my apartment, before class, all I could think of was.....shoot. I never think about drug trade except in school. We are always talking about drugs in school. But my children haven't had any probs with drugs and while they are around it, none of their friends have been arrested or gotten sick or whatever. So the drug thing is kind of far from home for me. So I just sort of listened on this discussion. It was funny not to have 25 things to say. My last classes in school were in my psych major, so I ALWAYS had TONS to say (one of those big mouths in class), so I don't have any trouble being quiet because it won't be for long. When we get into teen parenting and such.....then I'll have plenty to say (maybe?)

but for now, I need to write that paper. So I'll go try again. If you read this ........say a prayer for me! It's "paper prayer" time again. I feel like such a Jesus-User. Just selfishly praying for myself and for help all the time when I'm in school......but I am glad that Jesus daily bears my burdens and He gives me rest and leads me beside still waters and restores my soul! His yoke is easy! and I am glad to be working for the King! Praise the Lord!

cutting sodium and calories

So today I've got my calories at about 1600 and my sodium under 1000. I've got to manage the weight and blood pressure. I'm trying to write a paper on...."Where are you coming from intellectually and personally vis-a-vis human development and social policy? Where do you hope to go?" I am to describe the disciplinary heritage that brought me to this program as well as personal motivations....comment on how I wish to strengthen and expand my scholarly expertise regarding HDSP and why this is the case. ....Include possible topics in which I will specialize and add comments regarding my perspectives on and interests in various methods."

I really thought this would be easy, but now that I am upon it, I am getting all anxious! And this isn't hard at all. I mean, heck, I already KNOW where I'm coming from and I know what I am interested in, I know what methods I prefer. Therefore, it should just be a matter of blah blah blah. ..........but suddenly my "blaher" is stumped.
How to start?
How to format the paper?
What will everyone else's look like?
Mine should at least be a bit better because I have a psych background which includes some developmental theories, like Erikson, Freud, and Piaget----even Bandura social learning (wrote my chinese women paper on that) and Bowlby/Ainsworth attachment theory (wrote a psych of religion paper on that).
So.........I think I'll shower. Yeah, that will help procrastinate!

severe weather site

Here's a site my dad sent me that might be useful to you too!
and you can just click in your zip code to see your local weather.
http://www.wunderground.com/severe.asp

Homecoming

My baby and 25 girl friends and 16 guy friends participated together as PHS seniors for homecoming. My baby designed the girls outfits and my mom sewed 25 special order skirts! WOW! and my baby decorated all the shirts and overalls and such for the others. What a ton of work, what great organization! I'm so proud of them both! Wow! So impressed! Wow!

Mothers Against Ignorance

Here is my friend C, whom I am uber proud of, proud with and taking pride in. She's another mom my age with a passle of kids whose gone through a ton, but come out with a Masters in Biology. Woo Hoo!

Great encouragement as I begin work on a PhD. I found out I do NOT get a Masters on the way, as I formerly thought. They aren't doing that now. It wouldn't help me anyway because I've got to have the full PhD to teach, but DANG. I would have liked a sure thing if I needed to withdraw.

Today was my first day to do real work---I was interviewing a participant for a faith and politics study. It was really hot out---I did not expect that---but I knew I get really hot walking all the way to the university, so I wore something light and had an overcoat. I brought my umbrella because there are thunderstorms today.
well, when I walked outside,YUK. Horrid humidity and it was very hot. It said it was only 70---this did not feel like 70. In Texas, 70 degrees is pretty cold. Not here. Whew, it was HOT. VERY muggy. Way more like Arkansas. I took the overcoat off and stuck it in my bag.

So it felt about like 80 to me or worse, with a slight bit of coldness in the air. but with the humidity that thick, that slight bit of cold was no comfort whatsoever.
I was immediately sweating.
by the time I got to the school, just short of a mile later, I was drenched! I had sweat popping out in beads on my forehead and running down. And my back was no different. That was not going to be good for the interview!

I headed to my office where I have a small fan kept just for such a moment----bu tthere was an entry door to the offices area. It was locked. My key didn't work in that door. No one was around. DANG.

I headed upstairs to get the interview room ready. I tried my new key in the door and it did not work. I tried again. Okay, how about a miracle? I prayed and tried again. Nope. Okay. Problem-solving. I tried my other key. I tried other doors. Other doors would not really help, I needed a recorder to do an interview.

I called the lead investigator. She was in Highland Park shopping and wouldn't be able to get to me any time soon. She suggested I call another person who had a key. I tried him, but got a voicemail. I continued sweating profusely because the building was heated (very very unnecessarily, I might add) and I tried to drink some cold water to offset my body temp.

Eventually the participant called me saying she was on this particular road nearby and would be just a bit late. I was able to tell her to turn around and go back. I apologized. I was embarrassed, she was disappointed, but she took it well. We will reschedule.

I headed home and called a student who found my student ID which I'd dropped when jogging yesterday and emailed me. I met her at her building, which was on my way home anyway (nice) and she came out to give it to me.
Again, by the time I got home I was all sweaty anew.
Horrors!
I came home and washed all my clothes, ate some lunch and crashed. I napped for .........a couple hours I think. The crisis had wiped me out.

I spent time talking to my sister that morning. I had rushed to school after chatting for about an hour with her. That may have started the whole overheated saga. I had a good talk with big sis. Yesterday was her birthday and I gave her a call and left her a message.
She's doing good and getting a new job. She has a couple good ones lined up, so that's very positive. Blessings on her endeavors.

That's my day. I was going to go shopping with my friend's son, but the rain has dampened enthusiasm. I just talked to him and he's wiped out from all the work they are putting him through in acting school. He has very long days--12 hours or so. He does workouts each day and he's trying to lose 25 pounds (no small amount!). He's exhausted.

We've decided to try next weekend. It should be sunny then. I'd like to see the Magnificent Mile on Michigan Ave. It looked really cool from the car windows when Mr was here. But I'd like to get OUT of the car and into the shops.

Off to do schoolwork.....