era not error

ha ha

I was reading my own post from the other day.

I wrote "In an error of PC and AA"

and I meant, "In an era of politically correct speech requirements and in consideration of all the people who are recovering alcoholics"

when discussing the lady at the M's party who insisted I try some wine.

(yes, when I write little stubby sentences, even in error, there are many more complex thoughts behind it that I've neglected to expand suitably. That, my friend, is a sign of a poor writer. Alas! Woe is me.)

or maybe NOT woe

Sir Dark Fin

K has become Sir Dark Fin.

turns out M has a fish named Sir Dark Fin.

K wore his Dad's new Christmas armor to become such as the fish (only kinda bigger and stronger and breathing air while standing on two feet and without fins---you know, JUST ALIKE)

Really, though, this is Mr's present which he really wanted. We weren't getting each other gifts, but he looked this up on the internet for the 27th time and found it was on SALE---which of course meant that he requested me to purchase it for him.

It was a bit tight on Mr but looked good. He was amazed at the weight of it. K came over and wanted to try it on. Now we will have to have a costume party! I have wanted to have a New Years costume party---doesn't that sound fun!
There is no way I can do it this year since I will be driving north.

I'm finishing my paper right now. Taking a break (so what else is new?). I only have to finish all the citation, but I LOATHE that part and I made it particularly difficult on myself by just sort of randomly discussing things without considering where I got them---now I must comb through stuff and figure that out.
Also, I looked up a lot of government info online, like the WIC program (supplemental food for low-income women, infants and children) and Medicaid. I copied some charts from another paper and I think I should cite them although I was just sort of copying their idea and writing in my own stuff, but you aren't supposed to use others' ideas without giving them credit. X told me that in China, you don't have to cite anything, you can just write it. That's great for writing papers, but then again, I suppose that is why Americans worry about their intellectual information. (we are so proprietal---is that even a word?)

Had fun playing scattergoris. Did I mention that already? Because I had to look up lists of trees, sports teams, and I've tried to pay attention to names of celebrities (which I usually ignore. I know Brad, Angelina, Tom, Nicole, Brittany, I can't even think of the guy from Saturday Night ...wait! I can't even think of the name of that 70s disco movie! Horrors!)

I like book titles.....Clan of Cave Bear, Dune, Emma, Three Muskateers, Count of Monte Cristo, Hamlet, Sense and Sensibility, Eleanor of Aquitaine, Desiring God, Holy Bible, Systematic Theology, Tale of Two Cities, Wuthering Heights,

I also went to the baby food aisle and looked at the product name. Go try this sometime. Things have sure changed! I was shocked! There are quite a few additions to the old pear, green beans, applesauce regimens.

Back to work. Oh bother.

barely blogging

I am not sure what I want to say on here, only that I know I haven't been writing. There is so much to do at home. It seems odd to think I actually STARTED this when I was here. It was maybe this time last year, because I remember the new years pics of "first night" downtown---what a great event and one I will have to miss.

what have I learned?
a ton.

--don't leave homework unfinished. (that paper is haunting me....I must begin work on it)
---hubby does not talk. didn't I know this already? he's an introvert. he's trying.
--I THOUGHT I was busy up there, but I was not. THIS is busy.
---my children really DO take up so much time, but I enjoy it.
--the reason I cannot get more done up there is that there is not the variety of experiences throughout the day. the effort to complete schoolwork just drones on and on whereas here there are a multitude of directions to take each day and it is easier to cycle through one and then another.
--I have to start watching TV, terrible but true. I'll need a way to change directions and control my thoughts---escapism might work.
--my eyes need the new prescription glasses because I lose my visual acuity throughout the day when taxed.
---I seem to avoid exercising although I love to be active.
--It is good to see friends and it is very hard work. I've seen them all except CH, whom I hope to see next week, but I've got to email her. Everyone else contacted me except JP, who came home from Seattle and so I went over to greet her the next day.
---I do not like wine. Wine was at the parties everywhere this year and so I just went without. At a party last night, one woman I did not know insisted that I try this certain one (I've forgotten the name). She swears it does not cause a headache and that she can drink two bottles without feeling the effects.(oh my)..that it is not dry and does not suck up all the moisture out of your body. I explained that I usually held a glass of wine when I was with insistent Italian Catholics who were unable to understand why I might not want to drink wine and with people like her. (I thought that might dissuade her from the pressure tactics, but alas, it did not). I tried the wine, it tasted fine --rather like juice---and put it back down and smiled. She relented but thought somehow that she had convinced me and had done a great thing. That was a bit humorous. I would think in an error of PC and with all the AA members walking around that people would allow others to go without, but as for ages, people cannot stand when you do not participate in whatever it is that THEY might be doing.
--I'm not as philosophical as I'd like to be, but I am rather lazy and whiney.
---I'm always tired. I worry about my health. I am very moody. I'm very demanding. I like to be waited on---like crazy! I get that from my mom, for sure. My children will undoubtedly follow in these horrible footsteps.
--I love my children's new dates. G for L and M for K. Not too pleased with S's, but I see E around her as a friend and I'm always hopeful for him. He has a good family, good grades, football star, good-looking and well-mannered. I'm always on the lookout for the family's future gene pool (good thing my children do not read my blog).
---I am exonerated socially. I recently read an article in Newsweek that blogs were not just for public consumption but also good for the writers if no one reads them but the author. Hooray! and my readers are exonerated because they no longer must slavishly conform to my wish to share. :-)

I read my 2nd neice's blog---my dad has read it with some concern--it is so speedy! I mean she zooms through thoughts. I find it interesting psychologically. Hers is the most elaborate blog I've ever seen. She spends significant amounts of time explaining her life and she's very excited and happy and speedy and extroverted. Makes me look like a slug. And so much current lingo. I'd like to really spend some time going through it. She's about to have a baby.

My other 2nd neice, on hubby's side, former daughter, just turned 16. I'm wondering if she has gotten the car that supposedly she is going to get. But I rarely get the news on that. I was so thankful to get a beautiful Christmas card send to my daughters with a picture of the two 2nd neices! Gorgeous!
When I get back up north, I'll scan it and put it on kodakgallery.

which reminds me to put the only pictures I have, from my L, onto kodakgallery to send out. At least there are a few!!! I need to get a new battery charger for my camera battery, which is dead.

Merry Christmas. Perhaps I'll find the time to truly focus on the Lord and the meaning of the coming of the Christ child---but I'm thankful because I gain strength to continue through His Life.

Grades

I got my grades back. I made a B+ in my proseminar and a B- in my stats. Can you believe it? B- is actually a great grade. I'm stunned.

I really could have done better in these classes. I'm working on strategies now that I know what I am up against. I'm going to finish that paper and get my B in whatever range he chooses. And then I shall begin agagin!

howdy

Feeling better.
had a fever on Monday (wondered why I was so sluggish, blamed my lazy self but was exonerated)
had an intense headache on Tuesday but was waning by 7pm and gone by 8pm when we were at Handels Messiah by the Austin Symphony Orchestra at The Riverbend Center.

Did not wake up today until 10am! now that is a bit freaky, but I DO feel better. Here I am three hours later blogging, but not accomplishing much.
well, I paid my northern electric bill, paid my credit card bill, checked on my texas bills, filled out the Baylor college application for the youngest---just to see if she'll get accepted. She could live with her sister (sis won't like it though).

Number one son is doing well with his new friend M. They spent the day together. They came over here, Son looked stunning in his new suit and very relaxed and happy. She looked beautiful, of course. He met her parents and the mom talked about grandbabies! (Even we don't do that!) But son went right along very amicably and impressed the girl by talking with the mother so long and so well and really paying attention. Sounds like they did the typical quizzing that we do---what do you want to do? Tell us about your family. Etc. K is very very happy and hopes this lasts for a very long time.

Here is an interesting story for you.

When I was here last (the time I got the girls a manicure), I was at the local Chinese Buffet with Hubby, Mom, and youngest. There I saw M's mom. I said, "HEY!" and we talked about 20 minutes. I told her to put in a good word for my son because I really liked her daughter and K thought she was pretty and since they are a good family, I think it would be a good match.

Well, that might have seemed a little forward, but I know that parents actually have a lot of influence with their children---so you never know.

Turns out M was no longer with her previous boyfriend. On our trip back from the North, we stopped to see our daughter and eat with her. K wanted to come. We told him to turn back because he had left too late and we would soon be on our way. M goes to school rather near where our daughter does, so he stopped and called her and she said, "Come over!" and he did.
He returned the next day.
(they stayed up all night talking happily within a group)

Evidently, the mother HAD encouraged the daughter and now my K had called. Turned out they have much in common and had a great time. They thought K was OLD like 28, but he is only 22. K thought M was older than him, but she is only 19. Age-wise, that is a good match, about three years apart---22 and 19.

K has his job at the big company lined up. He HAS to look like a great prospect. She is a very talkative intelligent pretty Christian, just what we say he precisely needs. He talks more than his Dad, so that should be okay. He's just got to remember that he MUST be sure to talk throughout his lifetime. At NO time is it okay not to talk in a relationship, particularly with a talkative girl. I find this to be a tremendous problem with Mr that just wears me out sometimes. He thinks Hmphf works as an answer. Or similarly, "Oh" or "Hmmmn."

But big talkers don't go too well with other big talkers, I mean, SOMEONE needs to listen.....so I suppose you must manage with a low-level talker and find some girlfriends to keep things lively!
Mr talks very well when we go out to eat, yes it does strain the budget, but when he does anything else, he tends to zone out. So we go out to eat alone frequently----not easy, though, when I am far away, but he does pretty good on the phone most of the time.

L is sad to be up at school working while her friends have gone home. She wants to quit. i'm taking mom to visit her tomorrow. Maybe we'll do it more often.

Merry Christmas! May God be praised!

Home again home again jiggity jig

Okay, so I wasn't at the market to buy a fat pig.

Instead, I was at CVS, able to pick up my prescriptions---something that had me worried about the back and forth nature of my existence.

OK again.
so I want to see all my friends.
I am too tired to try.
But I want to see all my friends.
but I wish I could see them in party groups, more at a time. less time consuming.

I want to have a dinner party for some couple friends from our other church.
it would be so nice to have a dinner party like with CH, BM (he he), CG, and TL. But TL has not really been available. So then CH, BM, and CG.

But I am planning to try JP, DG, and AH. Mr P was not available last year and we hope to try again.

I'm thinking of the Arkansas Conundrum.
I'm thinking success and fame to you bud!

I'm missing out-of-town friends, CT, AN, AL.
My Chinese friends, JXF, XL, J-----oh my goodness, I forgot that last name! (I'll remember it when I work on christmas cards)

and friends from school! L, R, A, and professors (last name) C, H, M and S.

and I miss my best neighbors who have moved out! C and S! Pastors! Gone on to further ministries.

I'm reading the Three Muskateers.
I shouldn't.
I should have read the books that Debbie suggested.....but Mr suggested it as he just finished it recently (well, recently he finished Ivanhoe) and I know I have 1,000 things to do---but they are piling up and overwhelming me....so I am running away to France (by reading).

I have to send in my defensive driving, my driving record (which shows I got no tickets at all and then one in 2003, 2004, 2005, and now 2006!---thankful to Jesus that it is not more than once a year! but dang, I better slow down because that is so expensive!), my proof of insurance to a place in Texas so they'll let me off the rest of the hook(I've already paid a pretty sum and then the defensive driving course costs a little bundle and the speedy postage did too!).
So I guess my Christmas present was the costly speeding I did on the way to help my mom move out of her house and come down here. Oh well, good cause.

Have to tell my youngest that she cannot go to the coast for spring break. Evidently, she's even been in on the planning session with the other girls and their MOTHERS. Ran into one mother on a walk today and she questioned me about it, I said, "NO WAY! I am not and was never and will not allow her to go!" I realize she will be so upset and I hate that, but I love her enough to say no. (she's going to make me pay dearly, I am sure).
and she wants to get a hotel room overnight with her friends for prom 9how dumb do they think I am? and who are the weird parents that allow this?---NOT ME).
No, she will have to come home at 2am like her sister.
It is midnight for the 11th grade and 2am for the 12th grade---so be it.

but I am planning on bringing her to the North for spring break along with her brother, sister and father. Maybe a friend, maybe L's boyfriend. We'll see. I'll be a maniac in finals, but Mr can tote them around. DT (or BD) will be acting in a play, so we can go see that!

Tallyho, I"m off.
:-)

Blog updated

adorable cookies S made when I was here before at Thanksgiving. Aren't they adorable?Her friend K made the Jesus bear. She knew I'd love it and she was right.

Does anything look different? The dashboard to my blog is slightly changed. I had to create a google account, but I'm not sure what it got me!

I'm home. It is odd. Several things just aren't what I'd like them to be......I come home and my things are all moved. Mr took over my dresser drawer and medicine cabinet and parking space. I have no personal room in the house (but decided that I'd count the rooms I've given my mother as my own).

This is going to be difficult.

My youngest says (when I won't give her money because I gave her some the day before and she hasn't done anything to earn any)...."When you were gone I was happy."

Not a very good thing to say.....not that it is not legitimate to think, but to imply that I make her miserable and when I wasn't here ---she was always happy----well, we all know better, don't we?

But it is good for me to see it, because I think some of the same rotten stuff myself.....and it is not right. I come home and I feel like my stuff is in the way when Mr puts it all in the closet....but I remember thinking when he was coming, "Oh, he's going to make a mess everywhere!" and I had to stop myself because HEY! I WANT him to make a mess, I want him to be around. But I've got to remember those thoughts exist. So making them explicit is in bad taste, but they are hanging there in the mind, so it is not the end of the world if they come out.

and somehow, I thought he talked more. When he's on the phone, he talks enough. So maybe I should go outside and call in...(he he).

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. Robert Anderson

We are going out tonight and I hope it goes well. I am sad because just the weight of things makes me moody---not that anything is really bad. I'm telling myself---"See? You are just a moody complainer, so go back to school and try again." OK, I will.

He says I do use bigger words. I love the vocab of my friends up there. Sure there are GRE words floating around when there is a presentation (and I actually know the definition of one or two), but we actually use long words when chatting. I still am enamoured with how fast they talk, so that when a conversation is really going, you stay so alert because you might not catch it all. Very stimulating.

Took my mom to the Armadillo Bazaar in Austin. Each year I enjoy going and THIS YEAR I FINALLY BOUGHT SOME ART! I only bought a print, but I love the work of Chris Long, Jay Long and Deborah Dupont. I bought a Chris Long print for $100. No, I cannot afford it, but I can't afford not to. Deborah's work evolved to a point where I am not as fond of it, so I want to get the ones I really like while they are available. I thought that one of Jay's works, called "Literature" was gone. I passed it up last year and then this year it was not on the website. But after I bought one from Chris Long (more in a minute), I saw that Jay Long DID have the literature one. Well, I can't afford to buy another one, so I may contact him to make sure it is available later. Maybe in the Spring. It would go well in my bedroom in Texas, it is very muted. Even in my family room where I currently have a historical texas map and S's v-ball tournament medals in a shadow box (and several hanging off the corners of the box).

The one I bought is a brightly colored Austin, Live Music Capital of the World with the capital building in the background, 6th street and musicians in the foreground with news text visible through the colors. He also showed me where the congressional bill that named Austin in 1991 is there, as well as the alternative arts paper, The Austin Chronicle and some of the Statesmen headlines like, "Rumsfield Walks Out" and more. It will be a wonderful reminder when I live through the february winds on my daily jaunts. WAIT! Good news. I only have class two days a week next semester! That means more time home (if I can afford flights) or else tons of solitary (ouch). All in all, I think it will be great. And I'll be able to get more done by not having to spend time gearing up to walk up there each day.

I decorated the tree! It's almost done. I ran out of hooks. Mr and I put it together last night. The youngest is so not a worker, so we weren't going to hassle her to try and make some memories. He got the lights on, so I put the rest up. We've got ribbon for garland and then crosses and Texas Stars. Next is silver and gold frosted large globes (balls) and lastly is the adorable felt characters I bought at the London Tower on our trip to England. (man, that was too cool!). I haven't gotten them up. I need to get more hooks.

Then we searched and searched for my address book so I could prepare cards. Bought the cards. Bought the stamps. Bought a nice gold pen. Figure I'll use the picture of all of us from Thanksgiving to send everywhere---need to get those from Kodak Gallery. I was afraid I was only going to send them as I received them---and you never know. Someone might not do it this year, then I couldn't send them one, then they think they are off my list--OUCH! It is so hard when you pare the list down. I suppose it is a fact of life.

I knew this one friend (not a dear, close friend---more like someone I knew--or a friend of a friend) and she sent out maybe 250 or more Christmas Cards. That seemed excessive to me, but it must have been a joy to her. I don't think I've ever even met that many people. And while I think I may have nearly liked that many---I can't get that many to like me, so I save on stamps.

:-)

Seriously, though, it IS hard to stay in touch with people you like! It is so hard to get together with people you do not naturally come across! So I hate when classes end, we change churches, we move, people move away, etc. But it is the ebb and flow of life. We are such a mobile society.

I worry I'll lose all my friends in the next five years due to busyness. (sniff sniff)

GEESHK, am I being too morose here?

I didn't think I was in a bad mood, really, but when I look at what I am writing....hmph.

I think I'll lay down and take a bit of a little nappy (a nap) so I can liven up a bit!

This is Christmas and I worship the Lord, I am thankful that Emmanuel, God With Us, has come to unite us with Him forever.

Rejoice!

Contentment

Okay, much happier. I'm at home.

The drive was long...about 10 hours the first day and then 9 hours the next day, but we stopped to look at my mom's house, our old church, the restaurant where Mr worked for something like 7 years. We stopped to see our middle child for dinner---she took a thirty minute break to come eat with some tex-mex with us--yum.
Our first born was trying to drive up to meet us, but he didn't get out of town in time. So we told him to turn back around because we were soon to leave the restaurant. He ended up stopping midway and visited a girl from our old church who goes to a college about an hour from home. They had dinner and a movie. I haven't talked to him yet, but he probably thought that was more fun than seeing his ole mum.
But I came home and watched "Iron Chefs" with my youngest and some plastic surgery show after unpacking. Took a walk. Went to bed. I'm still not ready for the day and it is 11 am. Nice slow pace. I've got a lot to do and if I were really up on things, I would sure love to meet my friends for lunch and prayer, but I am too lazy to call at this point.

I still haven't finished the quarter (we don't have semesters up there, we have quarters, only 10 rushed weeks to finish an incredible amount of work) because I turned in a final paper unfinished. I never would have thought I'd do such a thing, but there you go---I did!

I really really tried to quit my last week and Mr would hear none of it. I accused him of callousness and so he relented. But now that I am out, yep, I am okay with going back. I really think that the next semester will be more fun. My classes will be Field Methods, Social Bio something and Child Development.

Field Methods is where we go somewhere----this particular professor has an education focus, so say a 1st grade class, a community college, high school class, or it could be a bar (I wouldn't do a bar, but some classmates wanted to), a church (more my style), or a playground. You have to observe everything for two hours as a participant observer meaning you are engaged with the other people doing the same things or something (so how could you do that in a 1st grade class??) and then you write copious notes on and on for about four hours a week. Then you write an official report. All of that should be fun and interesting. I observed my friends children one day, four of them and it DID take hours and hours to write up the notes! I video taped them, which helped. But it was a final project that took a few weeks, not just something I did every week for 10 weeks, but that is how graduate school is.

I really thought that the classes would only be about twice as hard. And while I cannot give a sort of measure, sometimes they are about that and sometimes it is worse! Then every now and then there is some light week. But I don't think I ever actually completed every single thing I was supposed to do in a week EVER. In the 10 weeks, I was always short----whereas normally, I am ahead. I learned a lot about myself---all bad stuff.

I suppose the hardship builds character. We'll see! I think I have humiliated myself. I whined nearly the whole time.
but supposedly, all the other graduate students have a similar story. They all cried in their first semester.
I don't think my cohort all cried. M might have cried, I don't think L cried and I don't think D cried. I can't see C crying, she was always composed. and the guy was always fairly even keel. He doesn't likely cry ever. (can't be sure about that sort of thing, but I know my guy just never cries! quite unlike me....)

I only officially cried maybe three or four times. Two big ones and then some snivelling at the end. Now I can laugh about it. I'm so dramatic.

I think I'll take a nap. AFTER I call the people about my speeding ticket in August when I went to help move my mom. I was supposed to complete the drivers education course before December fourth and well, today is the 7th.
I'll go call them now.
Blessings! It is warming up to be a Merry Christmas! I love the warmth here and I enjoyed the cold there. It was so complex and new!

22 degrees Feels like 11

Today has a high of 32 and a low of 13. If it is 22 and feels like 11, what does it feel like at 13? The sun is out so maybe it won't be too bad, but I am so sure the glare will be horrendous. I have my ski goggles and they are polarized, so I may wear them on the way to the airport, won't that look ridiculous!?!

I seriously cannot sleep. I was awake every single hour, although MAYBE I slept through the 3am hour---so I am pretending that at a minimum, I DID sleep from 3 am to 4am. But it was awful. I cannot get comfortable. I cannot breathe. My dreams are scary. My legs are very very restless.

I thought I went to bed calm. It shouldn't have been so bad! I don't know what to do for it. I read an article by a professor here as I went to sleep. It was a good one, so it was enjoyable reading. I was pleased that Mr would be coming today. I guess it is the paper and two exams still just making me crazy. I am very afraid of the stats exam. It is 15 questions and I can't discern which method I should use for each one, although I am supposed to know.

We get a word problem and some of the clues. Those tell you which method to use. But I'm not clear on the various formulas. Often, even when I have it right, I will think it is wrong because the number looks weird. Too high or too low. But in class we have some examples that end up that way, so I try to trust myself. Anyway, I must be diligent to do it and then just trust that everything will turn out as it should. I definitely have serious problems concentrating and applying myself to my work. I'm sure if I could sleep well, I would have fewer difficulties.

It is 9 am and Mr flies in about noon. He will likely be in line on the ground. I was waiting on the ground on my return flight here. It took maybe 15 minutes to get to the gate. Maybe more. It is so hard to wait when you are already on the ground.

A news report said something like 2500 flights were canceled on Thursday/Friday and some huge proportion of them were in or out of my airport. The snow was so beautiful and I would have enjoyed it immensely, except that I had just learned that Mr's flight was delayed AGAIN and so I trudged through the snow to school.

It was fun. My boots ARE waterproof. The snow was slush in many places. My coat is more than adaquate. There were high winds blowing and I still had to unzip my coat because I got so hot. I didn' t need my face mask or goggles or even gloves! Boots and coat were enough. I didn't see any snowmen. I hope there are some snowmen out there! I had my hood covering most of my face and I kept my head down staring at the ground 5 feet in front of me. When I stopped to look straight ahead, the trees were so beautiful, reminding me of that tree in Lord of the Rings---all white. The campus was gorgeous. The pond and lake looked so nice (view from a third floor window), I read that the lake was 47 degrees? maybe 57---and so it was keeping my area from the worst of the cold. (poor little duckies, though)

Oh, I need to lay down AGAIN! and I am having a piercing pain in my head. GOSH I cannot wait until MR is here! I sure do like that fella.

BURRRRR

Weather says 28 degrees feels like 16. and in the morning....it will feel like 12 degrees. So it will be cool (very cool, a bit o pun) to experience this. What if I fall down on the ice? I wonder what I should wear?
I will be sure to shower early in the morning so when I go to school at 11am, I won't have any wet hair.

I went to the garage tonight to get my cell phone out of my car---and my ankles were exposed--and they got a little chill---and the garage is HEATED! That was weird.

I just looked out my window and we've got maybe 1/2 to 1 inch on the cars and the plant beds. There isn't any yet on the sidewalks, they are all wet.

The wind is going to gust at 30 mph even up to 40 mph. I am not sure what that feels like. I may have experienced it, but seems like 20-25 is the usual bad ones I'm familiar with.

Not able to do my stats. Thinking I'll try to finish out this year and then take a year off. Even if the schoolwork goes well, I sure miss my honey. This is far too long!

Off to bed and hopefully, peaceful slumber. I am not sleeping good at all. and eating way way too much ---which is not common for me at all. I may eat poorly, but I don't usually eat frequently---but currently, I feel starved inside and out. So my mouth wants to munch and my stomach wants to be FULL and neither one is ever satisfied. I know it is an emotional thing. So I'm blaming my parents for their DNA they passed along and that way I don't feel so bad. (real productive, right?! NOT).

But everything is going to be alright.

Snow ---pic is just one from google images

Here is the weather report......WINTER STORM WARNING IN EFFECT FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO 12 PM CST FRIDAY
Tonight...Cloudy with snow developing in the evening. Snow May be heavy at Times after midnight. Snow accumulation of 4 to 6 inches. Windy. Temperatures nearly steady in the lower 30s. Northeast winds 20 to 30 mph. Gusts up to 35 mph. Chance of precipitation 100 percent.

Friday...Snow in the morning...Then a chance of light snow in the afternoon with areas of blowing snow. Snow May be heavy at Times in the morning. Snow accumulation of 4 to 6 inches. Total snow accumulation 8 to 12 inches. Windy. Highs in the lower 30s. Northwest winds 20 to 30 mph. Gusts up to 40 mph. Chance of precipitation 100 percent.

THE WORST THING IS THAT MY HUSBAND'S FLIGHT WAS CANCELLED!!! and so I am spending tonight alone when I thought my honey would be here. I was at the grocery store and locked my keys in my trunk. I called the police and while I waited for one to come, I learned that the flight was cancelled. It is a good thing I was in public and about to have to interact with the police or I would have had a major drama cry moment right there. As it was, I started crying anyway. Just WHAM, the tears flooding out. But I got control of myself. ....yet I feel as though I've been holding myself together just waiting for him to come.....and then to find out he WASN'T coming!?!?!
But I'm okay now. My baby S needs him there anyway because she is sick. He took her to the doctor today and then by the grocery store so she'd have good food to eat while he was gone. At least he'll be there to check on her tomorrow and see if her fever is down.

I guess I'll work on econ and stats. oh fun.

ok, so I'm not a youth, but isn't this sufficiently dark?

Depressed again

Weird. I was feeling okay yesterday. Last night I could not sleep. Wanted to go home.

I only have this tiny bit of time left ....just this one week! But it is too much.....I so want to go home.

I keep trying to figure out ways to make it hard to leave. I've brought a bunch of stuff up to my office--so it would be difficult to unpack, etc.

and the McNair program is always haunting me. I want to succeed for all the McNair students. We count on each other succeeding. They've invested in me. I don't want to let them down.

I was so sure this was what I wanted---and I still KNOW it is what I want---just unsure if I should keep plugging on. What price is worth it? and is this the flu shot talking? Did the flu shot make my mood pit?

I keep hearing all these weird sounds, like the train is running by over and over. That cannot be. The train runs by at intervals. Maybe I am hearing the cars go by because the condition of the air makes the sound convey or amplify or something. Maybe I'm crazy (with hispanic accent, like on Happy Feet---CRAY see).

I don't want to give the presentation today or tomorrow. I actually don't want to do any of the things I need to do---but I am sure I will.
I wish I could just go home---that I didn't have a lease! The lease is very serious and expensive and I cannot afford to go home unless I can get out of it. So it is a sort of anchor here.

but with my blood pressure (which I'll take to be sure it is okay!) and with my weight and I'm such a baby......
well, I'll just keep going and hope this stops.

but I want to end after one year. If I can even make it that long! My advisor teaches a personality class in the spring session (which is 10 weeks in April, May, and June because we're on the quarter system). I don't want to miss that.

I know, I know. Everyone will be disappointed in me. But I am the one who must live my life and I must make the choices. Mr is worried I'll be all depressed---which is true since this is what I wanted to do ---and the only thing I've wanted more is to be a missionary in China--which hasn't gotten far. But I'm not dead yet, so there is still time.

and I'm more of a generalist than a specialist---but I was hoping the PhD would change that! It is such hard work and so much pressure and so many things they expect and I am ready to be done already.

but you know, I'll probably be aching to get back after Christmas (I hope so). Because I do love it here. I love the people and I love the talks all the time and I love the weather! and I love my little apartment. I haven't gotten enough chance to explore here.

and I don't know why God won't just keep writing in the sky daily for me. Cloud speak would be nice. I suppose I should spend more time in prayer so I could actually hear Him. I know He is speaking and I know He'll get through to me one way or the other.
So in faith, I'll put one foot in front of the other and be faithful to do my work.

Not sleeping well sure does not help one's mental outlook! I need some sleep!

FLU SHOT!!

I GOT MINE!!!

I went and got a flu shot at the grocery store. $28 yikes! But I am on the plane all the time and here with all these different people coming from different places and Mr flying around the world and such. I suppose it is better to be covered.

It is my first year to get it. I've never had the flu. I hear it is horrid, though, so I'd rather not risk it. I'll get it for how ever many years I spend here. Then we'll see.

I've had so many shots in the last couple years, geesh.
I got the MMR recently for school. That was a live virus and OH it stung. OUCHIE.


On another note, I realized that when I walk, I do not push off enough. I spend energy on the bounce UP, but do not propel myself forward, instead...I sort of switch legs. I'm going to work on that. More PUSH when I am switching to the other foot, so that instead of bouncing up, I will PUSH forward and extend the length of my gait.

Around here, people walk so FAST (and they talk fast too, but I like that one).
Today, a small man, shorter than me, whizzed past me when I was going as fast as I can. Not that this is unusual. When I am walking to school, even at my fastest pace, inevitably someone passes me. I'm used to it. I couldn't figure out exactly what they might be doing, but now I think it is that push. I'll letcha know.

Today I was worried about my feet. At REI (while home), I bought some silk liners and (today) wore double layers of socks to reduce friction like hikers. My feet are soft when I get here because I have that nice whirlpool bath at home. Often I don't even use that whirlpool feature at all, but it is an awesome soaking tub. Well, that gets all the dead skin off the ole heels, but I NEED that tough skin up here. So.....

I promised myself I'd wear my ecco comfort shoes for the next four days and wear the silk liners with another pair of socks over them to give my feet a chance to toughen up. It worked today anyway---NO blisters today. The last two times I went back home, I returned here and suffered (which is fine) but I am getting wiser.

I also am much more comfortable and at ease, in general. I knew my way around the airport this time and understood where I was parked and how to get there. I had my mental map working, just like at home. Makes life much easier. I was more calm today in my econ class too. I did econ reading on the plane trip home (yes, while on dramamine, but better than nothing) and I just sat and absorbed all I could in class.
I was late getting there because I just resist going. But I went. One foot in front of the other, one at a time. I went. and time passed and I was OUT! Now I just have one more week until the final exam. I have to write a 10 page paper analyzing a program from an economist's view. But in one week, that will all be over. On Tuesday, I take the exam at 9am and I am done.

Before that, I have to give a presentation tomorrow. I've already turned in the paper and powerpoint and tonight I'll finish practicing. Then Wednesday I think there is a discussion for Stats, then I'll do another presentation (my Chinese research) for a cultural workgroup, then Wednesday PM classmates are doing an econ study session. Thursday I study with a 3rd year grad for econ and then pick Mr up at the airport in the evening. Then Friday is a econ session with the professor and the class. I'll spend the weekend writing the paper. Then turn in the stats LONG LONG final take home exam on Monday along with my econ analysis paper. Then Tuesday I take that econ final and I AM HEADED HOME!!!!!

Very excited.
I loved going home for Thanksgiving. It was great.
The weather was so great! It was about 75 degrees in the day and 50 at night. We had the windows open. Sunny every day. Crazy.

I took my girls shopping (they love that) and I went with Mom and her friends (em and ol) to the thanksgiving parade (oh that was so cute! I'll add some pics on here ---they are on my baby S's computer at home and I've got to load them up on Kodak to get them).

My kitty did great while I was gone. Litter was decent and there was still plenty of food and water. She was happy to see me. Purr purr purr and meow.

Oh, I've got to go do work. Horrors. It can be very fun up here, but really, it is so hard without mr. I love him and miss him and he's just good to have around. We drive each other crazy but we wouldn't have it any other way. We're pretty used to each others idiosyncrasies.

Ta-ta, that's all for now, darling! Love to all!
(and I sure loved my baby's S's fantastic decorated sugar cookies! Yum!)

forgot to tell you!

I bought some serious gear! I got a ski mask for kids at REI so it only cost about 10 dollars on sale==also bought some hiking socks...well, sock liners. To keep feet from getting blisters. I've come home and taken a bath in my fab tub and it makes my feet so soft that I go back and get rubbed raw each time---but I don't care! I can take it! I'm learning to put up with them. --and finding ways to make it not so bad.
So the socks will help. Double layers. and when I go home this time, the whole first four days will be the SAME pair of shoes (black ecco's that are great and comfy).

Seems like there was something else, but I've forgotten already!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ok. Spent the day with these guys. and my mom!

The weather here? Perfect. We slept with the windows open. Very California. 50 degrees at night and 75-80 in the day. Ahhh. Lots of sun. But actually, we get a lot of sun up North, too.

I came home Tuesday night. I was so tired! I barely made it to the airport in time. That afternoon, I was fatigued and asked mr to call me in one hour so I had time to nap and then get ready for the airport. He was so busy at work, that he forgot to call me! Which is my own fault, I should have set an alarm clock, but I was glad it happened that way. On the hectic frantic way to the airport, I was stuck on the tollway going 1 mph. I was so frustrated just sitting there and looking at the cars and trucks creeping along that praying wasn't much consolation. Mr said "Just park in the expensive lot, then" Good idea because even parking in that darned expensive lot (again---this time for five days!), I just barely made it to my gate 2 minutes before boarding. I hadn't even caught my breath yet (I was doing the O.J. through the airport). I even had to stop and buy water to take my dramamine. I had not brought any to the airport because they just take it away ----but then I didn't take the medicine in time. We ended up being delayed on the runway as we waited for the other planes, and so by the time we headed up into the air--I was covered! Hooray! Because it is a rough and sickening flight when I haven't taken dramamine, it has worn off or if it has not taken effect yet.

Ok ok. That's boring. and maybe you haven't been to the blog lately! I am so boring, I know! How to think of something interesting!?!? Constant dilemma. You know, it is ALL interesting to me!

Did I mention I went to dinner at my professor's house? His post-doc came with his family. Wife and two children ages 8 and 2. Oh they were so cute and fun. and she had another on the way. Did I mention the cello? Professor's wife, who is a federal judge, plays the cello. Or is learning anyway. I told Mr and he said, "I WANT A CELLO!" in a loud whiney voice (I loved it!) Yes, I agreed. We NEED a cello. Really! They are too cool!
but they had football on and the TV going at one point. HORRORS! It is everywhere.

I'm pretty sure I wrote about that, so scroll through.

L came with her new man of 2+ months and they are very close. It looks long term to me. You never know. But L was so picky and wouldn't go out with anyone for 6 months after she lost B, so ......she would only consider the best. And she wrote out a list and told God she wouldn't date again unless he fit a list .....because the last one fit a list I had her create when I told her to be careful who she dates at this age because she may want to marry him! Better choose wisely!
She upped the standards after she lost B and this fellow fits the list.

K is still working at the store while he waits to hear about the big job. The big job was supposed to come NOW. So it is getting scary. The rec is supposed to open now and so we hope he gets a call soon.

I'm supposed to do my economics, but it is soooooo hard to look at. It is so nice here, everythign familiar. Hooray! and my family (even when they drive me crazy, they are so cute!) and so much yuckiness---dog peed on the couch and my bed. Cat peed on the bathroom rug. I got a new rug--but the couch? We washed the cushions and the covers. He is SO LUCKY WE LIKE ANIMALS BECAUSE I WANT TO SHOOT HIM, but I restrain myself, of course. and he is so cute. and my kids would hate me, but you know, sometimes we have these terrible impulses.
(forgive us!)

I miss my friends but it is too complicated to see them in such a brief time. But over the holdiays I have to come up with SOMETHING. My man is so so so NOT social. UHG. But he has many other good qualities.
It is so good to be here, so good. Man, I am thankful. Thank you God! I bless and praise YOU!

More of the Same

Today I had a library learning session. It was great. I was going to go to a church here with a participant in the study I'm helping with....but now I'm going to need to work on pulling articles for my Tuesday presentation (and 30 page paper) on myadvisor and the historical path of his research interests.

It's cold here. (more of the same)
It's about 34 degrees right now and the wind gusts to 24mph according to weather.com. I went to school today in some new Bare Traps boots. Brown suede ruched in the back with furry tops mid-calf and very flat sole with a nice rubber bottom. Comfy. They zipped up the back and had two little pom poms each dangling from a rope. I thought it was cute.
I wore regular jeans and a brown silk 3/4 sleeve v-neck sweater with my fushia down jacket (with removable sleeves so that it is a .........whatever that is called --vest isn't the word I was looking for). I wore gold/brown dangling earrings (but short dangle, nothing tacky, maybe just over an inch total), gold watch (from India), and two gold rings (one from Mr on my 19th birthday and the other trigold from my mom) well, and my wedding ring, of course. I had my fossil purse brown with designs---it is so cute! I got it at the outlet. And then my creme ann taylor cashmere scarf. I didn't wear gloves or hat because I didn't have any to match that nice scarf (I didn't know last Christmas that I would be here needing them!).

I say all that because L complimented me today. She said, "For someone who is new here, you sure do winter nice!" She loved my boots, coat, scarf---she taught me how to tie the scarf in the local way the other day. You fold it in half and hold the two new ends and then put the scarf behind your neck. You pull them both to the front of your face and you loop the two loose ends through the one loop and pull it tight up to your neck. I saw it on a manniquin but didn't know how to make it. I'd never seen it before in Texas. THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT ISN'T THERE!
I am low on fashion savvy and just try to keep up a little here and there. Scarves have not been my thing. It is usually too hot to wear them in Texas, although many people wore them anyway as fashion items-----but it is rarely really cold. Maybe about 14 to 21 days a year!

I found out I had econ homework. OH MAN. I was wondering how come he was being so nice as to give us a week off. I don't know HOW I'm going to complete the special paper for him. Geesh. I wanted to do a thoughtful analysis, but my cognition just will NOT ramp up! Well, actually.....did I mention that I noticed some thoughts occurring while I was reading last weekend???? Very hopeful, yes. Very hopeful.

Blessings to all! My love to everyone! I miss friends and family!

have i used this one yet?

okay, I don't even remember the last time I blogged.
I might be just barely starting to get adjusted---am I just getting used to misery? Not sure, but I think I am expecting less. That has come about through prayer. Not so many demands on myself. Trying to take one thing at a time. Trying to trust. Praying more.
and my prayers are more than the first "HELP!" ones, which were quite limited in scope.

Talked to prof about failing the test. He said...."You didn't get a zero!" Oh....so that was the point? (no, I didn't get a zero, but neither did I get an A, not even a B, and not even a C). He said to come see him next week, he'd go over test with me, help me learn what I don't know (oh great) and give me some extra problems to try again (yipee....not).

But I'm just being rather sarcastic (probably wrong use of word, oh well). I'm not feeling as dismal as I am saying. It is such a bad grade that well, I don't even know what to think about it except, "whoa".

My place is a MESS! But I cooked a dinner of little thin steak, small yellow potatoes, small french roll and a large portion of brocolli previously frozen (not so yummy). um...well....i tried to hit the spell check on brocoli, broccoli, broccolli, some one email me, ha ha.

Also, I took some books to my work office. and a plant and a gift from Debbie and one from Dora (and Juanita, if you read this, send me an email about how to reach you! Thanks!). I took a space heater up there and my lecture brain and some boxes and some snack bags of almonds and some water bottles. Trying to make it all cozy. I've got some collages that I want to take up there but they are in poster sized frames, very hard to carry....I'll have to wait until Mr gets here on Nov 30.

I called Allison for her birthday. She's doing great in Florida.

Sister has a new job.

Mom got sick, Mr got sick, K got sick, and I think S, too. I was home for the weekend last weekend but so far so good.

We choose classes this week for the winter session. My stats prof suggested that I wait until next year to take STATS 330-2 (session 2) because he commuted before and it is too hard on the brain until you are settled and the next class is VERY MUCH HARDER, he said. You can imagine how excited I am to take THAT class.
Next year, it is.
Then I learned about the Fields Methods class I want to take. .....3 hour observation sessions per week, which take about 6 plus hours to write up, then you have to write a report on them. Two different students said it's like a 20 hour a week class----and take it now because I'll never be this UNbusy again. (ME? UNBUSY????? NOT!)

And then for Child Development, it is the same prof who is teaching the proseminar.....One student said, "The reading load is unbelievable" and I said, "Oh, about like in Prosem?" and she said, "Equivalent to twice the prosem packet each week."
She suggested getting a study group because there is no way anyone can realistically even read it all, but every word has to be read by SOMEBODY, so you can assign someone to each week and they can make reports for the others to review.

and now that I'm not taking stats, I thought I'd take this biomarkers, health, and social somethings.........and I already know that would be a very heavy class.
It is unbelievable to me. Every class is like 3 undergraduate classes put together. It is an insane amount of material. And to think that they can require people to do this much work over and over and over each year! and people DO IT!

At least getting on the web cam has been nice. To see my sweetie. I miss him and I miss my children. I'm not usually one to miss my children, but now I am. I can't say I'm either bored or lonely....neither one of those describe the feelings.
More of awed and overwhelmed and wading through so much.
I think boredom might be nice about now. To think I have underrated boredom! Next time I am bored, I think I'll just sit there and FEEL it. I've forgotten exactly how it feels. I know I didn't like it, but I'd like to experience it for a while.

I feel like my to-do list is 10,500 items long and I get to about 2 each day.

Yet, with all this, I've been sunny and optimistic. I can't believe it, either.
but I did go to church yesterday. I went to an African American church downtown with a friend from my department. I had such a great time!!! and no one looked at me funny either. I was completely welcomed as if it was completely normal for me to be there, although there were only about 3 caucasians in a group of about 2000 African Americans.

Today I went to economics and ended up with a migraine coming. Afterwards I went to a Policy talk and then went home. Later I went back to school at 4 for another policy talk. Then D took me home and we dropped off C at the train station on the way.

This was probably an incredibly boring blog for anyone who waded through it, but THANKS! At least I feel like someone is listening out there. I love when any of you guys email me a comment or an encouragement (or a question). I need more pics on here, don't I?

I'd like to take a pic of the office as it morphs into a real place. One of the tech's put Endnote on my computer and another one is going to put SPSS on there.
but ya know, I STILL can't see staying here year after year. I cannot. I cannot.
But one day at a time. I can see being here tomorrow.

Love and Hugs! S

weather

47 degrees "feels like 41" here right now (10pm).
My indoor little weather thingy says it is 77.7 degrees with rain (there is no rain--it is clear). My air conditioner is blowing---crazy, eh?

At School Right Now

Can you believe it? I'm at school right now. I'm online with my laptop, totally cool.

So today I am working towards trying to stay. I've turned my office desk so that my back is to the window and I'm facing the room. Much better psychologically!

I've got my computer orientation correct. I was reading sideways! my cat stepped on it or something, but the tech here fixed it up. My little K has been sick and so he hasn't gotten to it.
He asked me to reboot at 4am, I got up and did it, but I guess he fell asleep.

I have so much work to do and the doctor didn't refill my blood pressure meds. How crazy is that? Do they want me to keel over? I'm going to leave here in a moment so I can call. I have such bad phone reception here that it only works about 30 seconds sometimes---if that.

I am trying to relax.
I took a bath last night.
but then I got blisters when I walked to school today! OUCH!

and my brain still doesn't work, but my advisor has some things planned that sound fun. A 10 year project gathering change and stability of 55 year olds and 65 year olds.

better call the doc.
blessings!
Stephanie

CT write me an email---and J, too, if you get a chance. Have fun in Seattle!

maybe i'll be a nurse

I always like to go on wild goose chases in my mind. It's exhausting sometimes for those who have to listen to me....but I liken myself to one of the Angry Beavers....Daggett. (not norbert the more stable one, but Daggett the adorable emotional one).
Daggett once had a show where he discussed his 10,000th life long dream of the day.

and of course, I immediately identified with Daggett and adopted him as my hero.

Teaching college would be what I've always wanted to do.....but as my whining on this blog attests....I'm not sure I can do this (without gaining 150 lbs and having a stroke.....or at the rate I am going.....240 pounds because 8 pounds every 2 months and there are 60 months in a five year phd program---so 30 x 8).

The NIH director came to speak at our school (or one of the NIH directors) and he had caboodles of degrees! I could tell the man loved academia.

Therefore, following in his footsteps, I could either (or both!) get a social worker associates and/or a nursing associates--whatever it is that our community college does. Then I would work with the populations I seek to help (pregnant women, teens, poor, sometimes someone who is all three). I want to teach parenting programs, get people to go to college, etc.

I like to entertain myself with options.
God isn't exactly saying anything, but the woman I interviewed yesterday had some VERY fantastic and explicit signs from God.
and I know I've had a few myself.
So I'm asking for one....it doesn't even have to be super stellar! Just clear to ME.

AND yes, Dad (and Steve) I will go talk to a counselor here. It's a good idea. I meant to do it today and I've just not gotten enough done. and here it is 2pm! and I haven't washed my hair. (jogged down to the health center to turn in those aformentioned immunizations with pony tail).

maybe I'll just go scrappy to the pharmacy. yeah, maybe so.

Peace out!

Nice Day Today

Today is a very pleasant 60 degrees. The sun is shining.
I'm surprised at how much sun there is here. I've got to go pick up my BP medication and I just don't feel like washing my hair! I overslept and miss the stats discussion. I never go anyway because there is the econ discussion at the same time....so I was looking forward to it.

but I came home late Monday night and got right up and went to school on Tuesday and it was just one thing after another! I didn't get home until 9:30pm. I did an interview at 6. We probably didn't actually start until 6:30 and were done about 8:45. We walked to the train station together and I walked home the rest of the way myself in the dark--yuk! I was going to take a taxi, but it costs money and I didn't want to spend it when we could go together.

I had a terrible headache after I got home. All the tension just let loose. I felt bone tired ---as my mother in law says (its a very good description of a certain kind of tiredness). So I slept in. I wanted to get my cortisol down. My doctor and my sister both said, "Cortisol" when I said I'd gained 8 pounds in 2 months. That is a TON!!! I gained 10 pounds in 6 months last year when I was tripping out about applying to grad school and taking beta blockers. Now I am tripping out here and on beta blockers again. Geesh.

It appears that school is bad for my health.

but it is so darn fun. We discuss fun and interesting things. I SO enjoy the novelty! and I love this little city, but I sure hate walking by myself outside.
I went to the clinic today to turn in my shot records. I had my old shot record from the WHO (thanks Dad!) which showed my measles immunization in sept 1966 (long time ago) and then I got a shot when I went back home---saved 40 something dollars because it costs 67 dollars here but I paid my 20 copay.

One story I keep telling everyone is that I can tell I'm overloaded because at 6am on Saturday, as I prepared to go to the airport to fly home, I was trying to add 125 plus 150 (I was thinking of the cost of the package they gave me to come here---25,000 a year for five years plus 30,000 per year for five years tuition remission). and I could not add 150 + 125 (275). I kept thinking.....375? wait...no.....250?.....wait......and as I brushed my teeth, I could not get my brain to work on that.

Clearly someone needs a break!

but I had a nice trip home. It was so good to see my little S. Mr was great, too, but he drove so fast on the way home from San Antonio (I couldn't get the flight into my own city) that I was getting super stressed. and I could not get him to get out of that mode! He gets so mad at other cars, he rides in their blind spots OR WORSE He will change lanes at a diagonal to someone's blindspot so that I panic that they don't know we are there and could move into us. He drove over 70mph and since I only drive about 30 around here---and don't really ever get faster than 55 even on the highways due to traffic......I felt like I was a zooming bullet racing through the atmosphere on a course to destruction!
Then I got home and my bedroom was freezing. The kind that gives me a headache and feels painful. and there was no milk, coke, or bottles of water, no allergy medicine......I was out of various supplies and my daughter S complained that she had been going without.
When I went to a restaurant, it was freezing inside.

So it is just the reverse of here. HERE it is hot inside and cold outside. HOME it is hot outside and cold inside. Made it seem that there is not much difference.

But OH how I loved all the familiar things. I knew where everything was. I could go here and there. I went to half price books and to academy to get magnifying ruler bookmarks and hunter hand warmers, respectively. I went to Pappadeaux's, China Buffet, and Chuy's YUM---not real good for the old BP or the obesity! I took my girls and my mom to the salon where I got a pedicure, girls got false nails and mom got her own manicure. We let the girls go on and mom and I chatted as our nails dried.

Now my computer is on some sideways orientation ---my laptop----(I'm working on the desktop so I can actually see what I'm writing without cocking my head to one side) and I'm hoping my K will have time to work on it. He's very sick with a bad cold and still working full time so I know he's tired.

My friend J will be going to Seattle soon and I know she'll have a blast! It will be great to escape the heat of our town because it was 85 today, Mr said. That is HOT! and she likes cool weather. She'd enjoy it here. Except how hot it is in buildings.

My sis has a new job and I hope that one works well for her. She says she was surprised that working 12 hour shifts was not hard on her legs! Wow! Must be God's grace. I can't imagine working on my feet for 12 hours.
I really wanted to be a nurse, but the 12 hour thing really puts me off. Now that I'm here doing crazy math stuff I hate, I think I'd do less well as a nurse. There's more math to do.

I'm off here. Please pray that I am able to do my stats. My mood just PITS when I begin working on that stuff. And my econ grade was HORRIBLE. Really bad. Not just distasteful.

(happy birthday Dad!)

TODAYS TEMP: 30 DEGREES FEELS LIKE 21!!!!

sunset at 4:43pm (yikes)----at 8pm it is supposed to be 28 degrees feels like 19.
Gee...not much difference between 8am and 8pm!

An average of feeling like 20 degrees. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

right now

Okay, weather.com says it is "31 degrees. Feels like 24".
Tomorrow? It will be a high of 38 and a low of 24. Bet it will FEEL LIKE 20!

I saw a bus shuttle sign near my apartments today and went over and looked.
It showed 3 different routes for my stop. A red one, a purple one---and a "Frostbite Express" for when it is 10 below.
Not below 10----but 10 below!

to top that off---I could not complete my stats. It was concepts I am familiar with, so I don't know why I couldn't do them. I'm going to get maybe a 50% on this one! I've already gotten 85% and even 75%! and this was the easier class.

I'm just going to quit! I'll make it through this year and quit!
I was thinking.....it would be nice if they would let me do research only and drop the classes. Since they are already paying me for a year--I could give them a little bang for the buck.

Everyone here will be so discouraged and hate me. and what if they won't bring on minorities? I was supposed to bring the colored women UP! and look how I've disgraced us.
I wanted to finish so that I could lead others here! and now I won't even make it!

I don't think I can handle the pressure. But I'll always be grateful to Mr for giving me the opportunity. Can you imagine if he had said no? I'd always be SURE that I could do it---worse, I might get so resentful that I left him (horrors) and came up here by myself thinking I was all that----but without his support----I'd have gone home that first month!

Except that common sense tells me not to jump ship yet, but I don't want to stay under this pressure. I don't want to always be doing poorly by comparison. I don't have the guts for it.

DON'T BUY STORE BRAND KITTY LITTER FROM JEWEL-OSCO!
Phew! or P-U!
I changed the kitty litter fresh, Lily went in to tinkle---and the rank stench! YIKES.
And I bought 14 pounds of it, to my regret.
I've been using Tidy Cat multiple cat clumping---which has done VERY well. Lily can use it for about five days!
I didn't realize it was so good.
(except that i've a long history with cat litter)

Well, I'll enjoy this year, anyway. Somehow.
and I'll try not to regret having tried.
It would be nice if I could get that social work job back in Texas.
It's working with mothers of babies under 36 months who are at risk for abandoning their babies or not having adaquate shelter.
I don't have experience with official casework. But I've already worked with this population.
I'll learn all I can here before I go and let my connections to these people inform me.

Sharks in the mind

The sharks are circling.
It is getting so tough to be here. The time change is drastic. Tomorrow there is a Psych colloquim--and I want to go. I'll have to call a taxi just to get home! 3/4 mile and it will be over 5 dollars. That STINKS.

I'm not doing too well. I drove around today and cried. It was pitiful. I can't believe it is me! And then again....I am such a whiner and always doing things that are fun even though they stress out my system---I'm a tender little princess now. So this hardship of life in the north is overwhelming my delicate constitution.

I got a B+ on my paper. Three of us got B+'s and the other students got A's. I was not an A. That was tough. Now if I was skinny, maybe I could handle that. The three that got the As are also skinny (come to think of it, nearly everyone is skinny here but me. We're talking good waist to hip ratio measurements on these ladies!). And I don't even have a walmart to go to ---for favorable social comparison. When I go to walmart, I feel so suave, so sleek, so with it. Many of the ladies there aren't concerned with brushing their hair, so I can pretend that I am someone beautiful and important. (and I am, aren't I?).
Then I go to school and whoops---I've obviously got an eating disorder and lack self control and do not exercise enough.

Not that it matters, but when I'm making low grades, dang--I need something to build me up. I don't have any one around me reminding me about God. and I feel so dumb.
Even now I should be doing my stats. But I've clearly got one answer wrong. I tried to compute it by hand. So then I went to SPSS and tried to find the binomial distribution syntax...but it was saying NO even when I chose one sample! I had a B(20, .8) distribution and I had to figure out what the probability of having 11. and then to have 11 or less. (which means P11 + P10 + P9 + P8 etc....but if I couldn't get P11 then I could hardly get all the others to add them up. So I just put P11 + P10...and wrote them all out---so he'd know I at least knew the concept.)

Whenever I'm home doing math, I cannot work alone. I get stuck on something and there is no one to give me feedback about the likelihood of a correct answer.

I took the midterm for econ. I don't think I've blogged since then. At least I'm alive. I didn't cut myself or binge.
(that's a bad joke, but I really said it to a friend. but no, don't worry, I don't cut myself and I don't binge. I NEVER binge.....I just slowly eat one cookie at a time about every 20 minutes and by the end of the 2nd day, there aren't any cookies left---uh-oh! actually, I don't eat cookies much here-----it is Graham crackers, yum! dunked in milk)

When I grow up, I'm going to be smart and thin.

and let's hope I have a strong value system since those are very empty values. (well....nothing wrong with smart----wish I was)

and I don't have the imposter syndrome. You know....that I'm not really successful even though I am/sort of thing.
No, I'm too genuine to be an imposter.
I just plain don't belong here! I'm not fooling anyone!

I'm like a hick here. I'm too emotional. Most of these people are very very social restrained. Very controlled in their self-presentation. They are careful of what they say. Not very REAL.
They aren't fake, though. I've seen plenty of THAT in the South. Mean people acting nice. yuk.

but they are genuine, just not so emotional as me. Every now and then a couple of them WILL be emotional---and that's nice. and I'm living life right in front of them. Like if we were on a cruise ship and stuck in close quarters. There is no place to hide all my fearful emotions.

but I work on keeping it down since I went nuts when I first got behind in economics.
at least when I took that test, I could actually set up the graphs on each problem. That was my goal. I should have believed for more, though. Yet I wasn't able to. I so dread my score!

To make things worse (or better, it can be both ya know)---I am going home on Saturday (see? better!) but I'll miss econ on Monday (see?...worse).

I asked one friend if she could consider video taping it for me. A voice recorder just won't bring out the nuance of those graphs and equations on the board!

Tomorrow I have to turn in the stats, so I better get back to it.
Keep sending the emails. They sure do brighten my day---or if they are traumatizing ones---give me diversions from my own pain. and gives me a chance to pray for someone else!
We're all in this life together!

Pray something....anything positive. It's really hard to believe I can make it here. It's dark and cold and strange and lonely and hard work and I'm inadaquate. What would make me want to stay when my hubby has a great job in a beautiful warm city? Perhaps I was being too ambitious. If he were here living with me, I know I could manage the negative feelings that come from not being able to do top work (like all A's!). But since he works for such a great company--I think he needs to stay where he is.

Econ midterm exam tomorrow--Need equation grace

"Rejoice-the Lord is King!" first appeared in John Wesley's Moral and Sacred Poems in 1744, and two years later in Charles Wesley's collection, Hymns for our Lord's Resurrection.
"Rejoice--the Lord is King! Your Lord and King adore! Rejoice, give thanks, and sing and triumph evermore! Lift up your heart, lift up your voice! Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
"Jesus the Savior reigns, the God of truth and love; when He had purged our stains He took His seat above: Lift up your heart, lift up your voice! Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
"His kingdom cannot fail--He rules o'er earth and heav'n; the keys of death and hell are to our Jesus giv'n: Lift up your heart, lift up your voice! Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
"He all His foes shall quell, shall all our sins destroy; and every bosom swell with pure seraphic joy: Lift up your heart, lift up your voice! Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
"Rejoice in glorious hope! Our Lord the Judge shall come and take His servants up to their eternal home: Lift up your heart, lift up your voice! Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!"

Rainy

All rainy and cold, which reminds me, gotta make a flight to S.A. instead of the usual A. Instead, Mr will have to drive a couple hours to pick me up. I'm going to check on it. AA has a supersaver fare that you can get this weekend to fly on Nov 7.

Mom comes tonight. Her flight is delayed, which works out great for me because I was going to have to leave extra early to avoid rush hour traffic and then just sit over there forever. Now I can go closer to arrival time. They have a cell phone waiting area here, which is great. You can sit there for up to two hours, as long as you stay in your car, and the passenger can call you when they touch down or have their luggage---then you go drive to the airport five minutes away and the passenger can be out there waiting for you--but just briefly---so then you don't have to do the loop around the airport if they haven't come out yet. Great idea!

and the weather is interesting here. So wet. A lot like Arkansas. Lots of rain there too. It's often dark here. but it hasn't bothered me yet.

I went to a party with women who are doctors, lawyers and live in the nicest suburb. They were discussing their preschoolers and their nannies. It was very socioculturally interesting as I never had a nanny---and they were so intense with some of the preschool stuff theywere discussing. Reminded me of homeschool mom's passion when discussing public schooling.

One of the women is a pediatrician and she's playing in a pub downtown (the big city downtown) on Nov 7. Too cool! I would go except I hope to get back to town. And my friend wasn't going to be able to make it----and so I don't think I'd go downtown to a pub by myself. But I might be able to get a couple of the cohort to go with me and make it a night of fellowship. I'd really like to see a woman pediatrician playing in a band onstage......very austin.

At the party, we were switching clothes. It was a party where you bring the best of what you haven't worn in a year. They loved my stuff! So that was gratifying. I could have brought mountains of stuff---but I had a garage sale and sent the rest of it away.

Mom and I will be tight in this small place. I've got to study for econ. She likes to go to eat and go shopping, but we also get to go to the museum to see king tut stuff on Saturday. I am not too big on king tut, but I've seen it before and it is beautiful! I liked the russian tsar stuff I saw in Houston. I missed the napoleon stuff in memphis--darn. that would have been cool.
and I saw the shroud of turin. not too impressed though.
oh well.

I like to go to the armadillo bazaar at christmas! This year I might actually buy some art.

my place is a wreck. but I did my stats and econ. early and I'm doing good homework wise.
starting to feel normal.

Blessings to everyone---PARTICULARLY MY FAVE J!

Monday--got a pic on here after all!

It was a good way to start a Monday with hubby here. But then he left. I managed to hold myself together---pretty rough! But if I can manage, then I want to capitalize on the stability I received from having him near me. I feel so much better. The world looks better.
and he bought me a big coat. It is a long (all the way to my shoes) black down coat with a hood lined with fur (like my little kippie) and it zips all the way up the front.
The air has turned arctic since......not sure--maybe Friday? Thursday? Wednesday? I don't know, but it was not too bad on Saturday and then it got REALLY cold and then rain came and I had my coat by then.

I'm working on economics and it is pretty dismal. There I was feeling all up to it, and then I go to work the problems by myself and I can't figure out where to put the substitution effects and the income effects. I could just guess, but I really want to make an educated guess. I'm understanding more about the principles. We just move so fast from one thing to another, but we are starting to repeat now.

We've done budget constraints (which are so easy now----I wish we could go back to those. and to think that I was thrown off course by those! oh well), elasticity, we're doing policy programs right now....
....like if workers were given 5,000 a year if they didn't work and/or 20% in addition to their wages and were able to work a job at $5 an hour, what would they do?
Well, giving money in a lump sum tends to be a dis-incentive to work. That part is pretty obvious to anyone, but then graphing it is not quite so easy. Then we look at the 20% addition to the wage. The good thing is that for the fellow who wants to work hard, he can make more. But there are many who are better off choosing NOT to work more and get the higher amount of money. But the lump sum is there to care for the ones who CANNOT work--yet some slackers get in on it.
When they make work-incentive programs, yes, many more people work---but then the handicapped widows are left with nothing. They cannot work.
and there are always price considerations of programs.---no one wants to pay too much for them.

and I TRIED to add a picture but the add-picture feature just isn't working. sorry. makes me sad. I like adding pictures sometimes.

Mr is at the airport. S got lost on the way. She's gone too far and had to stop and ask for directions and is headed back to take the exit off of the main interstate. So she's still about 30 minutes away and Mr is there---has waited 40 minutes already because his flight came in 30 minutes early!
that is so crazy! I can't believe it got there that early because the flight is not that long.

I'm trying to remember that God is more important than all of this and that none of it matters for eternity. Economics is important now, but I pray I can keep my anxiety down so that I can do what I CAN do instead of obsessing about what I can't do.

I really did like it better when I was at the top of the class. There have only been a couple of students better or equal to me---the ones that come to mind ALSO made it into good graduate schools. (TX A.M. and Claremont for a clinical psych in forensic).

and well, I'm not the best at math, don't like to do it and econ has a lot of it. and sometimes it is so easy, but I just blank out.
So any prayers for my economics mid-term would be helpful. Sending me a written one would be good (just to increase my faith) and I can assure you I will be relying on the Lord. Because He HAS put a good brain in there, but it is hard to wade through some of the gunk.
I do have a good test taking mentality and I usually have very very good focus when I take a test. That has served me very well and I am so thankful to God. It's like everything gets clear and narrows down to that one experience and one moment and I give myself totally to that test and I trust myself. Somehow it has always flowed. We'll see what happens in this environment, but I choose to think optimistically about test taking until proven otherwise.

My Mister

Well, hold the phones, MY MR. got promoted! Woo Hoo! He's a director! YES! YEA! YEAH!

We've waited and hoped it wasn't going to be in December or April! but there is no telling about these things--all super hush hush.
but the cat is out of the bag.
twenty three skidoo (actually--this one is not relevant).

He recently was given a raise as his company was instituting a retention program as incentive to the best and the brightest to remain within. Along with that came a bonus next year about this time and then the two years after that (Christmas aid!)
So YES, I AM bragging.
but geesh! Wouldn't YOU? (Maybe you are even more humble or self-deprecating than I am---and I hardly even know that word) but I am very pleased and he is pleased as well.

When we were young and he had big dreams, we didn't think of him being a director at a big company. No, he was hoping for a really strong mid-range job ---and he's been very very happy with the job he has. He has actually been functioning as a director since before last november when he moved over into services development. It was part of his performance plan to show that he could leverage his skills across business segments and IT segments---which he has more than demonstrated.
I mean, gosh darn it! I am so proud of my baby!
I have sure raised him well. He's a good boy! and I love love love him.

He came up here Thursday and all is right with my world. I had to go to some all day conferences but he came to one of the receptions (or two) and got to meet a couple of people--including my advisor.
Then afterwards, he came and picked up some of the cohort (D drove the rest of em) and we all met up at a place in town for some eats and laughs.
I have a great cohort and a great hubby. I was telling everyone--"Hey, S got promoted to director!" and they'd be saying, "Congratulations!" and I was embarrassing him--so I quit that--but it was fun. I was so proud. and still am.
Such a big company. It is a tremendous vote of confidence. The pyramid gets mighty tight up top. It goes ------Head of the Company (we all know him!)---then he has a partner--can't think of what they call him--but they function like equals--so I don't know if you say that so-and-so is under the big name of the company or what!
Well, then there is the CIO of IT. Then there is Mr's boss.
So ....
Big name, CIO, Acting or soon to be VP, and Director SR.
It blows my mind (but not, since I've been expecting it for about 2 years---maybe a little more. Since I decided to go for the PhD (2004), I gave Mr the green light to go for the Director. I knew it would take significant cognitive resources, but I was heading into the long tunnel myself, so we felt we were in a time of our lives when we could afford to start investing in that way. The children are nearly out of the house (not sure if we ever officially get to announce that as done!).

So Mr took that opportunity to start the process and now, sure enough, here he is! Now he'll have to figure out new goals and values. I've informed him that his next developmental step is to think of what he'd like to accomplish that goes BEYOND some object that is bigger and more expensive (to think beyond big cars, big houses, etc so that the next goal is not just a "bigger" something---but maybe a "deeper" something since our material goals are so achievable).

What a weird place to be. But in it all, we honor God because there are plenty of people as hard-working, smart, and good-looking (well, maybe not as good looking) as Mr, but he has made it into a circle of a select few.

and now with me working in a doctoral program that develops policies to fight poverty---my husband has become an executive.
Oh my----it is the disparities equation!


Well, these are good problems to have.
I've been rich and I've been poor----and rich is better.
Let us consider wisely how we will disperse our resources!

Forgive me for my joy! I am really happy and thankful.

Long DAYS

http://www.cubpack81.com/images/carve_pumpkin.swf

Anyone reading this blog knows me.....and knows I don't do halloween. My dad sent me this link, though, and it is so cute!

You can carve a pumpkin.

that was fun for me because my decision to stop participating in halloween has meant that I don't do certain things.
.....but its not that I'm opposed to pumpkin carving, merely that I wouldn't display a carved pumpkin because that would show support for a day that is also the high holy day of satanic worshippers.
I strongly believe for any and every day....."This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."
and so I do rejoice on Oct 31, but I don't pass out candy or dress up or go to halloween parties and for many many years, neither did my children. This will be the first year they are all away from me, so it is up to them. Usually, we do some special family time stuff. Many times we have gone out of town.
We prefer not to be home when the kids come around (although they sure are cute!).

but I still like this cute link. You get to carve a pumpkin online! (in the privacy of your own home)

Homeland Security

I am working on my homework. This week in proseminar we are discussing minorities and disparities and esteem issues and parenting and .....well, it goes on and on. There are some good articles like this one where the author talks about voluntary minorities and involuntary minorites (like native americans or african americans). How african americans may not want to learn to speak standard English and see it as detracting from their culture and as a requirement imposed on them. Whereas voluntary minorities, such as Asian immigrants, want to learn English and see it as additive. They are learning ANOTHER language and don't feel that this has any effect on their identity.
Then I'm writing a paper on genetic and environmental influences on longevity---how it was thought to reside in your genes, but when studied distinctly, there are such weak genetic links that it is mainly environmental. Even in twin studies---they've done some on twins born in 1890-1910 in three or four countries (like sweden, denmark..) ---about 10,000 twin sets! (and I'm not talking sweaters, ladies).

That is a pretty powerful amount. and it is something like at most, 4% heritable in women and maybe at most 1 % in men (and I think that is if you are a twin and what happens to your twin). I'm not likely making sense, it is all jumbled in my head.
and yes, I have to write a paper on it. 8 pages (not including cover sheet and references).

I've done most of the background work and thought of a cute way to start the paper. I'm going to start with this.....
“Who wants to live forever?” Rock band Queen sang the question in a ballad for the 1986 movie, The Highlander. Connor MacLeod, grieving, had outlived his bride, Heather, because he was immortal. The song continued, “…When love must die”. Conversely, most humans are still interested in a long, healthy life and investigations are under way to discover where the keys to longevity lay hiding.
In her New York Times article, “Live Long? Die Young? Answer Isn’t Just in Genes.” Gina Kolata reviews both stories from individuals and some of the latest research on genetic determinants of aging to see what treasures they hold for the future. Alas, she asserts that genes are not the determining factor in longevity. Although the pendulum has gone both ways in the past, both nature and nurture are seen as influential interacting across the entire developmental life span of the human being and often in complex ways.

Okay, so I don't have it worked out yet. The first sentences are still icky.
but I thought I'd see if she likes them clever.
You are always supposed to have good titles and catchy opening sentences. Well, I hope there are an infinite number of good openers out in the universe because I'm going to need a couple thousand before I leave this dimension.

STILL saturday!??

9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.



I'm trying, really, I'm trying.

I watched some praise DVDs I have of worship music showing nature scenes. I went to Target for a chance of scenery. I managed to get the NY Times article broken down and read a couple of the supporting reference articles. I made hamburgers, ate some oreo thin crisps and talked to K online. I've written a couple of emails and done some web searches (I googled my own name and there I was---and not just the horrid McNair Scholar photos with my hair dark and short when I was trying that look in case it was more professional--and it wasn't--just made me look washed out and old--oh well).

It might be the isolation. Mom and Ms C.T. both told me I'd be lonesome. I didn't really agree, but maybe that's some of what this is. It doesn't exactly FEEL like lonesome, but it could be that. It feels like incompetence without reassurance or no social support so that I can get my homework done. I have to actually GO ASK people to help me AGAIN and I'm not sure how often I can do that!
and its funny, because I really thought I'd matured to the point where I could give help or ask for help whenever either one were required. But here I am resistant to asking for help again. It is hard to be openly NOT getting what everyone else seems to get.
and they try to be nice "Oh, that one was hard for me, too" but that is such a bunch of bologne!

well, this is how I process folks. I complain, I whine, I get dramatic. Where is my picture of a girl laying in the road? I love that picture.
the good thing is that I do NOT have a migraine, but I DO have a sore throat and a zit on my chin.

PICK ONE

any one of these images could represent me.

Think of them as visual analogies for what I am feeling.

I am frustrated. I do not have the social system that I require here.

I am a high maintenance girl! And then no one understands my Jesus side here.

oh woe is me.

Today I tried to do my statistics. I had reviewed the problem set and was thinking, Oh okay. This should be no problem.

Then I entered the data into SPSS (statistical software). It did not compute right. I didn't know what should be my dependents and what should be my factors and how to designate one line for males and one for females (I tried calling them 1 and 2, like I do in mini-tab).

So I can't do my stats. I need help. I'm worried I'm wearing out my cohort. I think I am the oldest, yet I am always needing help. Kind of embarrassing!

Then I went to write the paper. But as happened with economics, once I am emotionally locked up because of something (today it is the stats program that I can't get to work right---last weeks its been the economics) ---there is a spillover effect.

While I normally consider myself pretty good at writing papers, I feel paralyzed with this one. It's a 10 page paper reviewing a New York Times article. Very straight forward.

But I don't want to write. I don't want to do anything. I want to go back to sleep again.

Yesterday I slept until nearly noon. Then feel asleep around 6pm until 9pm. Then went back to bed around 11 and slept until noon today.

Seems like that should be enough sleep, but I'm still tired. I want to go home. I can't see doing this for three years. I don't know what I was thinking (actually, I was trusting God and I still should, but it seems impossible---not the trusting God part, but the managing these emotions day after day after day--and all alone).

but if I go home, it will take so LONG before I am okay with that choice. To have passed up this opportunity, well, I better not quit unless I am SURE I can't do it.

If it weren't for dumb classes, I would love this place. But classes are a big part of it. soo......we'll see.